Chapter 10: Words of wisdom are hard to come by.
“Well, finding Damon was far easier than I expected… unless this person is a fraud and a raving lunatic, of course.”
“Given how things have been surprisingly NOT easy at any point during our journey, I’m putting my money on ‘fraud.”
“Now, now. Let’s hear what he has to say before passing judgement.”
“….”
“….”
“….”
“….”
“….”
“….”
“Ok, he’s a raving lunatic. Let’s just not waste any more time with this guy.”
“Amen to that.”
“D’oh!”
“Mountain hiking? We can do that. After all, we just trudged through one cave after the other, so walking outside shouldn’t be a problem, right?”
“And let’s just hope THAT statement doesn’t return to bite us in the ass.”
“Spirit of the rain cloud. I wonder how a cloud can have a spirit anyway.”
“Why, it looks like SOMEONE has already forgotten the enemies we fought in the spires in Vane.”
“Yeah, but that was… that just… made no sense.”
“Are you telling me THAT was the only weird enemies you’ve fought… that is to say watched your friends fight… so far?”
“Well, no, but…”
“Nall, just give it up. She’s got a point, and you need to let it go.”
“I need to do no such thing!”
“Suit yourself, mr. ‘These are easy pickin’s’.”
“They sure are. That said; Kyle, put that thing down! We are not bringing any of this stuff to Reza and selling it through the thieves’ bazaar.”
“Oh, fine! Just don’t complain to me when we’re left sitting outside eating gruel on our journey.”
“And yet they left all this other valuable loot alone? You DO realize that makes absolutely no sense, right?”
“While a lot of stuff doesn’t seem to make any sense to you, kitty, I’d have to agree with this.”
“Yeah. I’d totally go for that hot Althena pinup in the back there.”
“….”
“….”
“….”
“….”
“Idiot!”
“What?”
“Kyle, apart from your audacity of finding women attractive, that thing is just a regular poster. You can get them cheap everywhere, you know?”
“That’s interesting. So, how would you know that, Jessica?”
“Erk! I… uh, I mean…”
“Is this one of those ways the church of Althena makes money these days?”
“SssssSSSH! Ixnay on the embarrassing reveals, Mia.”
“Hoo boy, didn’t THAT tidbit of information make me feel all the more stupid for actually making donations.”
“Hey, temple maintenance isn’t cheap, you know. And it’s not like we’ll ever use this just to make a lot of money for the sake of making money. We’re just selling enough to pay for the upkeep and to cover for what the donations don’t.”
“Yeah, anything more than that would be just wrong.”
“Oh, like that would ever happen.”
*aaaand in the future…*
“I feel so horribly, horribly dirty.”
“You should, you gambling fiend.”
“No, I meant that I used to be a part of these guys, continually hounding people for money, asking them to empty their wallets. It’s just wrong, man.”
“And how is that different from what you’re doing now? That house you have is hardly built from love and devotion.”
“Well, no, but…”
“I mean… at least the donators here are given the opportunity to use this statue to heal up. What has gambling with you given anyone, apart from you gloating in their faces for losing?”
“Oh, shut up! At least I’m giving them a chance of actually winning?”
“Which has happened how many times up to this point?”
“You won, didn’t you?”
“Oh wow, yes we did. Someone call the press. Unprecedented event happening in Larpa, may never happen again. The people must be told.”
“It’s almost a religious experience in itself.”
“Didn’t we have a girl we needed to track down? Why are you giving me such a hard time over this?”
“Because we love ya, that’s why?”
“In this case, I’d say love is silver, silence is golden.”
“That would imply you’ve been gambling people’s love away from them.”
“No, I mean… AAARGH… can we stop this now?”
“Awww, but it was just getting interesting.”
“You are a horrible, horrible young man. I’m glad I’m just helping you to rescue Lucia.”
“Well, we better make sure to entertain ourselves as best we can until we’re done, then.”
*that was fun, wasn’t it? anyway, back in the present…*
“Yeah, you’re right. That would just be silly.”
“Alright, back to the den of debauchery it is.”
“Oh, come on. It’s not THAT bad.”
“Suuure. I’m curious, though, what a town like this is going to do when there’s no dragonmasters desperate for equipment left in this world?”
*in the future…*
“C’mon, boy. Let’s RUMBLE!”
“Let’s… not.”
*back in the present once more…*
“Eeeh, probably not something that will ever be worth a damn.”
“Yeah, except you stealing is what forced us to come to this place in the first place, you nimrod. While 500 silver isn’t the largest sum ever at this point, it’s the principal of the situation.”
“500 silver? It’s practically a STEAL! Oh ho ho ho, somebody STOP me.”
“….”
“Mia, stop him!”
“Gladly.”
“Whoa, I was just joking. No need to pitch a fit and… um, generate a huge fireball in your hand there, little lady.”
“Oh, don’t you worry about that. I can do this all day as needed.”
“Yep. In fact, you might want to consider actually LOCKING YOUR DOOR to prevent this in the future. In fact, I bought this lock from the thieves bazaar to remedy this oversight. Please use it.”
“Well, that’s that. Let’s go. The Red Dragon’s lair awaits.”
“You know, Alex, I was thinking….”
“What?”
“Well, we bought the lock from the thieves bazaar, right?”
“Yes. And?”
“Doesn’t it seem odd that a thieves bazaar would sell something that makes their job harder? If I were to make a guess, I’m thinking that lock is as effective against the thieves selling it as a wifflebat would be in the battle against Ghaleon.”
“….”
“….”
“D’oh!”
“So, what do we do? Go back and warn him?”
“Nah. We already got what we came for, and besides, there’s no time to waste.”
“Ladies and gentlemen; our hero!”
“Well, that’s most likely Damon’s tower, of course with a large body of water obstructing our passage. I guess I’m slowly getting used to the idea that things will never be easy.”
“Looks like air travel is our only option, and you know what that means?”
“It means that I get to drive.”
*sigh* “I guess it means we’re all doomed.”
“Hey! This better not be some kind of female driver comment!”
“No, it’s more of a ‘remarkably short attention span’ comment. I’d be more than happy to let Mia drive.”
“Goddamn *bleeping* *bleep* body of *bleeping* water. I could just *bleeping* *bleep*…”
“Ooon second thought. Nash?”
“And man, do I have some BONES to pick with these… skeleton fishies… never mind.”
“Why don’t you ask the Death Mutt’s for help. Since they’re well versed in the fine arts of…”
“DEEEAAAAATH!”
“Don’t you start with this crap again!”
“Am… I missing something?”
“YES!”
“Eeep! Just asking. Just… just asking.”
“GRAAAARGH! Not even THIS will go smoothly without some kind of diversion required. How many times do we have to go through this crap?”
“Oh, around twenty-seven, I’d say.”
“Rhetorical question, Jessica. Look it up.”
“Sure. No problem. Any time, and all that jazz.”
“Oh, come on, Alex. It comes with the opportunity to battle monsters. How can that be anything but fun?”
“You don’t want to hear the answer to that, trust me.”
“Are we there yet?”
“Nash, could you please turn around and punch Kyle in the face? And make it hurt.”
“Sure thing.”
“Oh, I’d like to see you try, shorty. I’ll even give you a free shot.”
“N-nuh-no f-fair p-puh-putting an electrical ch-charge intuh-to your fuh-fist there.”
“Hey, that’s neat, Kyle. Is this some sort of secret rogue language or something?” *snicker*
“Oh, shuh… shut up!”
“Well, here we are. Looks like someone has made sand towers with their little toy bucket.”
“The lolrus would be proud.”
“…what?!”
“Never mind.”
“While I would normally be inclined to blurt out a sarcastic ‘well, duh’ at this, I can’t help but remind myself that this ‘desert’ lies on a peninsula, surrounded by water on almost all sides and greenland forests in whichever directions remain.”
“Go to the desert in the east, get vines for balloon. Is there anything in that you’d like to complicate further, seeing as you’ve complained about things being too damn complicated already?”
“No, never mind. So, where are we supposed to find these vines?”
“….right.”
“They look like they’re pouting. It’s so cute.”
“Well, we need those vines, so let’s get a-chopping.”
“Kyle, you’re so cruel!”
“What?! Jessica, these plants are called Man-Eaters for a reason.”
“So? It’s not like they have the ability to move around or anything, so it’s just a matter of staying out of their range.”
“That’s fine and all, but we still need their vines.”
“I want to take one of them home with me.”
“What?! Absolutely not!”
“You don’t get to tell me what to do!”
“Um… guys?”
“I still say we didn’t need to kill ALL of them.”
“But they ganged up on us.”
“They couldn’t move. We could easily have left after taking the vines we needed from the first one.”
“Remember what Mel used to say?”
“Always remember to finish off everything on your plate. That includes random battles when out adventuring.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Are you two quite done now?”
“Oh ha ha punny. I didn’t know Iluk was filled with comedians too.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk, mr. Death Is Everywhere.”
“Whatever. Did you say you wanted to drive this thing?”
“I’d rather not.”
“Ok. Kyle?”
“It’s probably not a good idea to trust me with anything not involving stabbing enemies with swords.”
“Good grief. Ok, Nash?”
“If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even get into that thing, so I sure as hell don’t want the responsibility of driving it.”
“Neither did I, but we have to, and SOMEONE has to do the driving part.”
“Hey! I said I’d drive, remember?”
“Hmm. Who else? Nall?”
“Get real, Alex.”
“Don’t you all ignore me!”
“Don’t tempt me, Kyle.”
“Yeah, Kyle. You should have driven, you know.”
“Oh, like you were all too eager to drive the damn thing.”
“Besides, if you were so eager to keep me from driving, why didn’t YOU do it, mr. Dragonmaster?”
“Well, um….”
“Didn’t you just say it’s a volcano?”
“Yes, I did. I meant that floaty stuff coming out of it.”
“Could it be, oh… LAVA, perhaps?”
“PINK lava?”
“Well, sure. Why not?”
“Because it’s flowing melted rock. How the hell do you end up with the color pink with that?”
“Yes, we’ve already established that fact.”
“Not that we weren’t getting ahead of ourselves at that point or anything.”
“Hey, don’t blame me just because Damon apparently saw fit to place his ‘impossible to get to’ tower just across a tiny bit of sea. Why we couldn’t just swim there is anybody’s guess.”
“Barrier by design.”
“And massive inconvenience.”
“No, no, no. Hush. No bad news.”
“Um… we’re in a balloon. Of course winds will be a problem.”
“You chose to drive this thing, so you better take responsibility.”
“Now look here!” *crack*
“EYES IN FRONT!”
“WHAT?!”
“Well, it’s your fault! ‘Take responsibility’? That kind of things have never been said to a girl before.”
“Given that you broke the steering controls, I’d say it was about time.”
“That’s just because of your backseat driving.”
“Oh, so NOW you think it’s a bad idea. The rest of us caught on to that the moment we saw the damn thing.”
“You can’t blame me for THAT.”
“Says who?”
“Are the two of you done being stupid?”
“And right over this town too. AAAAAH!”
“Who’da thought it? AAAAH!”
“Women drivers. AAAAAH!”
“Kyle, you really ARE a sexist bastard! Still… AAAAAH!”
“What did I tell you? AAAAAH!”
“Please, let me just crash already.”
“My eyes… someone has replaced them with buttons.”
“No, ma.. I don’t think I can eat another bite.”
“My head feels like a carved pumpkin.”
“Ow, my butt.”
“Jessica, you might want to stop spreading your legs like that. We landed in Reza, after all.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Oh, Jessica’s gonna be flying pretty soon too.”
“Holy… take it easy, Mia.”
“Don’t try and stop me, Alex. You know you want to see some pain visited upon her as well.”
“Well, yes, but… that’s beside the point.”
“Then what IS the point?”
“To get moving and find another way of crossing over to the tower?”
“Ok, fine!”
“Can I kill him, then?”
“Oh, fine. Knock yourself out. But after that, it’s right to Meryod.”
“On an island in the sun, we’ll be playin’ and havin’ fun…”
“Islands in the stream, that is what we are…”
“High weathered walls which fend off the tide. Cradle the wind to my island….”
“Wh-what the… when did this turn into a lyrics contest?”
“Since we learned about the next kind of boneheaded way to reach our destination, I guess.”
“How about having another SONG CONTEST?”
“Good god, no!”
“It sure is.”
“And what’s to stop that thing from just dumping us mid-sea?”
“Don’t be so pessimistic, Nash. Now, about that music…”
“Oh, I know the perfect candidate for that.”
“Why are you looking at me like th..oh, no! Hold that thought just one second. I am NOT doing what I think you want me to do.”
“Resistance is futile.”
“Wow. That was… quite something.”
“My opinion of you have changed, Alex. Unfortunately, not for the better.”
“I didn’t want to dooohooohoooo thiiis.”
“And the crying certainly isn’t helping matters.”
“Yeah, Alex. Take it like a man.”
“”Apparently, there’s a temple here too.”
“Who’d be dumb enough to build a temple here? It’s not like this place sees a lot of visitors.”
“The Althena poster sales must be dangerously low here.”
“Yyyyyees, that too.”
“Well, back to Damon’s tower.”
“Shame about the huge turtle getting wedged stuck between the two landmasses, though. Starving to death can’t be a whole lot of fun.”
“Let’s not think depressing thoughts here. We’ve got a wiseman to track down.”
“I’m still going to return to slap that guy silly, though, for what he made me go through.”
“Oh, for the love of… not only did I have to go through the embarrassment of my life to get here, but we have to traverse this labyrinth too?”
“Well, I could always… uh… I mean, never mind. Did anyone bring a chainsaw?”
“A what?”
“I’ll take that as a ‘no’. I guess me and that inventor have something to talk about.”
“Well, here we are. Do we have a plan?”
“…knock at the door?”
“That’s it?”
“Well… yeah. We’re just visiting someone, you know.”
“You’ve…. never dealt with the eccentricity of smart people, have you?”
“We’ve dealt with you so far, haven’t we?”
“Well, yes, but… wait, did you just give me a compliment?”
“Actually, I… did. I don’t suppose you’d be willing to forget that?”
“Forget it? Nonono. From this point forth, you’re my new best friend.”
*sigh* “Great.”
“So, do we take the stairs up or the stairs down?”
“Or do we loot the chest in the middle?”
“Why don’t we just loot the chest, and THEN choose one of the stairs?”
“Ooh, nice idea. Nash isn’t the only smart one here, it seems.”
“Now that is a low blow in more ways than one.”
“Rufus needs to learn to eat his vegetables, or he won’t be getting any desserts.”
“I don’t blame him, though. Those veggies look disgusting.”
“It’s almost enough to make one become a… um, what’s the meat eating version of a vegan anyway?”
“Megan? Meagan?”
“…that’s ONE name I will not be giving any potential daughters.”
“It’s a great name for a zombie, though.”
“So, remind me again why we went down. I’m pretty sure Damon lives up top.”
“I dunno… but it occurred to me that if this Damon is a big enough of an asshole to grow a forest labyrinth, he’s probably also entertaining himself by making us walk through the entirety of his home.”
“Can’t argue against that. And speaking of labyrinths….”
“Another one. Great.”
“Look, it’s our old buddy Rufus. Looks like he finished his veggies too.”
“Pious reapers? How does that even work?”
“Maybe he gathers souls for his master. Or something.”
“He offers a prayer before whipping out his scythe.”
“Or maybe he just reaves souls with a fervor that borders on the fanatic.”
“Let’s… just move on, shall we?”
“Because the labyrinth wasn’t frustratingly irritating enough already; huge, wooden walls you can close, which are also meant to be walked on top of.”
“Remind us again why we went down here.”
“You’ll see.”
“See? I told you. Here’s the spire key.”
“Y..wait, how do we KNOW it’s the Spire Key? That makes no sense. This might just as well be the key to his outdoor toilet.”
“Toilet? Have you ever seen such a thing?”
“Come to think of it, no. And I find that kind of disturbing.”
“Yeah. I mean… even RPG characters need to take a dump every now and then.”
“How the hell did this conversation go from keys to toilets and excrement all of a sudden?”
“That’s boys for you.”
“Hey! Don’t lump me with them.”
“Oh, Nash, I thought you were my new best friend.”
*facepalm* “Why me?”
“Uh oh. The bookshelves are empty. Are we sure this Damon guy didn’t just pack up his books and leave?”
“If that’s the case, then we’re going to track him down, if only so that I can murder him.”
“Well, here’s some books.”
“And it’s about dragonmasters. Imagine that.”
“So, the DRAGONS are the source of all magic? Then what about Althena?”
“Why would someone tie all the world’s magic to only four beings? Wouldn’t that just make it easier for those who want to conquer the world… with SCIENCE?!”
“That sounds… kind of generic, doesn’t it?”
“Well, at least we’re not just calling it ‘the battle between good and evil’.”
“Even though it’d sort of fit.”
“Ssssh.”
“Wait, there’s more.”
“….”
“….”
“That’s… optimistic.”
“Well, at least it’s better than ‘fairly sure’.”
“Or ‘possibly’.”
“Ok, now it’s just getting ridiculous.”
*cough*
“That’s fairly specific, isn’t it? I wonder if they’re referring to anyone in particular.”
“Now that’s just silly.”
“NOT ‘Klaatu Verada Nicto’?”
“Klaatu what?”
“I don’t think they have those kinds of books here.”
“Here we go again with the vague remarks.”
“Nostradamus would be disappointed.”
“And they’re still not calling it ‘the battle between good and evil’.”
“Wait, what’s this? A door with a keyhole? You all know what that mean, right?”
“Oh god, here it comes.”
“See? I told you it was a good idea to go down first. I told you Damon was an asshole about his visitors.”
“Yeah, yeah…”
“Come on! Who’s your daddy? Eh? Who is the MASTER!”
“Not that you have the right to call anyone an asshole, though.”
“Now THOSE are words of wisdom.”
“We should bring this book along for Ramus.”
“What’s ‘video games’?”
“No idea. Probably not anything we’ll ever get caught up in.”
“….”
“….”
“….”
“*ahem* Moving on…”
“OK, WE GET IT! THE FUTURE IS VAGUE!”
“IT’LL ALL MAKE HORRIBLE SENSE VERY SOON!”
“Whoa, hot mama.”
“Oh yeah, come to daddy.”
“….”
“Boys!”
“And what’s with the fish comparison?”
“Oh god, not this again.”
“You don’t think they’re talking about Luna or anything, right?”
“I don’t know, but I’m going to give her a piece of my mind when I see her.”
“Well, there’s a first time for everything, I guess.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“But isn’t that how it always goes, though?”
“So, when are we getting to the horoscope section?”
“Don’t even get me started.”
“Well, duh! No women would put up with crap like this to find a boyfriend.”
“I’ll make sure to remember that the next time you expect me to go on these ridiculous journeys to find whatever’s the latest fashion trend in your local temple.”
“Um… that’s… different.”
“Of course it is, Jessica. Of course it is.”
“Most ridiculous clue yet.”
“Sure is. What do you think, Tiny?”
“You better not be referring to me, Longshanks.”
And so, at last, it’s time to speak with the master of wisdom, the esteemed Damon. Through ridiculous paths, dangerous contraptions and embarrassing modes of travel, our heroes reach their destination, prepared to be blown away by every single word coming out of his mouth.
“You’ve been… and you still didn’t make it easier to get up here, or even come down to meet us?”
“Because it’s more fun this way.”
“AAAARGH! YOU DIE NOW!”