Chapter 1: Paying the elderly their respects.
And that’s very important to remember. But don’t worry, we will only repeat this fact several times in the opening part of the game.
One wonders what thoughts go through his head as he gazes upon the pillar that symbolizes the bravery of a man who saved the world.
“No doubt about it. This is one phallic memorial.”
“Aaaaaleeeeex? Oh, Aaaaaleeeex?”
“Gah! For the love of.”
“Oh, there you are, Alex. Say… is something wrong with your neck there?”
“Nah, your voice is so sharp and grating that I twisted my neck reacting to it.”
“Jerk! Anyway…”
“Ugh! Don’t remind me. Not looking forward to that, let me tell you.”
“Really? I can’t imagine why that would be.”
“I’m sure.”
“Well, it could be that Luna’s a really bossy girlfriend or something else. But you know what would be worse?”
“You tell me.”
“Ramus having caught a rumor about dragon diamonds and hatching up a plan to go get it.”
“Yeah, that would be really bad.”
“Yes, it would.”
“…..”
“So, that said… shouldn’t you run for the hills?”
“Wait, you were serious?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Why didn’t you say so? Oh, crap, gottarungottarungottarungottarun…”
“Goddamn it!”
“You see… um, why are you rubbing your temple like that?”
“Nothing. Just… just nothing. What do you want?”
“Oh yeah, get a load of this.”
“Ok, two questions: 1. What makes you think that’s actually true. And 2. If it IS true, do you honestly think he’ll just give it to you?”
“Well… yeah, of course he will. I mean, it’s a diamond. A DIAMOND! How can you say no?”
“Well, first you touch the top of your mouth with your tounge to pronounce the ‘N’….”
*snicker*
“There’s no need to be a jerk about it.”
“Nall?”
“Yes?”
“He’s just going to get himself killed, isn’t he?”
“….yes.”
*sigh*
“So, we’re going with him, right?”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“If she’ll be even half as upset as I’m exhasperated, I’d know how she feels. Anyway, we’ve still got a lot of time. He’ll probably spend quite some time packing snacks to eat along the way. Let’s just go see Luna.”
“Man, you are SO whipped.”
“Don’t you even START with me.”
“I KNOW! I’ve been going there every day since it was set up, you old geezer.”
“Hee hee. ‘Erected’ is right. That memorial is one hell of a dong.”
“We’ve barely even started, and already I have a headache.”
“I know, mom. I’m just stalling for time here.”
“But why would you do something like that? Now go get your instrument and head off to the fountain already.”
“Yeah, just a sec, mom.”
“Introducing Nall, expert Luna impersonator and nag.”
“Hey, your funeral, buddy.”
“Erm… what? By which logic do you make this conclusion?”
“The one that says people lock their valuables away, moron. Why else would this chest be unaccessable?”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet, Nall, but this is a fairly poor farmer village. What kind of valuables do you think we would have?”
“Aren’t you even the least bit curious what’s in this chest?”
“No, not really. Christ, Nall; one locked chest and you absolutely can’t get your mind off it. You should be glad I don’t like playing mindgames on people.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Yes, but only because I didn’t get away in time.”
“Which you would if you’d only listen to what I had to say.”
“Quiet! Anyway, yeah, we will probably be heading out once he’s prepared his food rations. I expect the quest will start some time next year.”
“That’s because Ramus is short.”
“And chubby.”
“And his glasses are getting inbetween.”
“What does THAT have to do with anything?”
“Um… I can hear you both quite well, you know.”
“Tell me about it. He’s always coming over and trying to get me into his ‘get-rich-quick’ scemes.”
“Well, it WOULD have worked if you’d only join me on that Herb-a-lizer sale. We could have made a killing.”
“Oh, if you ever come to me with that kind of crap again, I WILL be making a killing. Literally.”
“And it didn’t occur to you that overpaying through the nose for a bundle of cheap herbs did in no way guarantee that you could get other people to overpay even more just to take them off your hands?”
“It’s just a matter of making them understand that you CAN sell them for more if you can convince people to sell them for an even bigger sum. That’s how you create values.”
“You’re SUCh an idiot.”
“Anyway, we’re off to get a dragon diamond. Now there’s your physical values right there, so what’s the big problem?”
“Hmm, gee, let me think about that for a while. What if… oh, say… the dragon refuses to give you a diamond?”
“Well, that’s why I brought you guys along, see?”
“I… need… to… go… outside… for… a… while. Must… lessen… murderous… tendencies.”
“I’ll… be… right… outside… gritting… my… teeth.”
“Ok. Oh, and you might want to have that twitch in your eyes looked at. Don’t want you to go blind or anything, at least not until after we’ve been to the dragon’s cave.”
“Yeah. Um… don’t mind Alex. He’s just foaming at the mouth right now because of… uh….”
“I’m… going… to… throttle… that… fat… bastard.”
“Aheh, yeah, let’s go over there for a moment, Alex. Away from Ramus’ house and all.”
“RrrrRRRrrr.”
“DrrRRrragonmaster. *blink* Huh, what were we talking about again?”
“Welcome back to the land of the non-insane, Alex. You feeling ok?”
“Ow, my jaw is aching and my mind feels all fuzzy, as if I were rabid with rage just a minute ago or something. What happened?”
“Um… nothing. Say, weren’t we going to meet Luna?”
“Oh, right.”
“Yeah, we got the idea.”
“People sure are chatty about things happening in the past in this village today for some reason. It’s almost like… exposition.”
“Nall, do you think…?”
“…naaah!”
“Simply the best, huh?”
“Better than all the rest.”
“Better than anyone.”
“Anyone I’ve ever met.”
“I’ve stuHEY! Are you referring to anyone specific there?”
“Nope. Not at all. None. Ah-yup.”
“You know what I’m hankering for right now? Some…”
“PRODUCT PLACEMENT!”
“They’re all used up, huh? That would be a shame, because then there would be no Dragon diamonds to grRRrrRRRRRR!”
“OHLOOKATTHETIMEGOTTAGO!”
“Yeah, just wait until I get my hands on Eric, that little brat. He’s going to pay for that prank.”
“It was just a figure of speech, Nall.”
“Hm? Oh, you’re with us again?”
“Yeah, but… my head really hurts.”
“Yeah, yeah. I get it. We better go over there.”
“And why in blazes is she bringing a boquet into the forest? Is the flower ratio a little low for her liking?”
“Oh my, I think I hear someone itching for a bitchslap. Just a second, I’ll be right over.”
“Oh, Alex. How nice of you to drop by. A little late, but… I just want you to know I’m not angry, just disappointed.”
“Um….”
“Oh, Alex. Don’t look like that. I was only kidding. You know I wouldn’t hurt you… much.”
“Ahaha, yeah, you’re such a kidder. Anyway, practice now? Pretty please?”
“Of course.”
“The hills are aliii..”
“Um… that song’s already taken.”
“Oh! Oh well, let’s see, which other songs could we try.”
“I dunno. How about you just go ‘la la la la la la’ and just screw the lyrics.”
“That is a GREAT idea, Alex dear. But….”
“…are you ok? Is anything wrong? You look a little upset. Did anything happen? You’re not catching a cold or anything, right? Or is it hayfever?”
“Jeez, Luna. You take ‘psychotic mothering’ to a new level.”
“It’s nothing. I’m just… feeling a little bit under the weather, that’s all. And music isn’t doing much to help either.”
“Even less that fruity harp, I bet.”
“Oh, you. But seriously, Alex. What is it?”
“Apart from the crushing pressure?”
“Hush, Alex. Anyway…”
“I DON’T WANT TO GO THERE, OK?! DO! NOT! WANT!”
“Ok, ok, jeez. Calm down.”
“Well, sure you have. Several times. Most of the time with your fists.”
*cough* “Well, yes, but ASIDE from those times.”
“We were kind of hoping you’d go talk some sense into Ramus, actually, or, failing that, punch some sense into him.”
“Now now, Nall. Let’s not rain on Ramus’ parade before it’s even started.”
“I am doomed. Doomed, I say.”
“Whatever! I don’t care anymore. I just don’t care. Everyone’s just been talking about dragonmasters and dragons and diamonds and stuff. Don’t I get any say in what is my own life?”
“Well… no.”
“What are you waiting for. Let’s go back to Burg and check out that chest.”
*cries*
*sigh* “Tell me, Nall; have I landed in my own Groundhog Day hell without noticing? Or is it just me who feel like I’ve had a second helping of copypasta for dinner today?”
“It’s… probably just you.”
“Another sign that the world hates me.”
“You were saying, Aaaaleeeex?”
“Oh, I was just saying ‘punch me in the face’ in Tsunderese.”
“Oh, Alex, you kidder. And what’s ‘thunderese’?”
“It’s, uh… never mind. Let’s go check out that chest.”
“Ohoho, Alex, you corndog.”
“ARGH! No, I meant… urgh, stop that. You! Me! Luna! Cellar! Now!”
“We did! It made my feelings of manliness reduce by 5000%.”
“Now, now, Alex. I’ll let you choose the instrument for next year’s festival, I promise.”
“If I don’t die of embarrassment first. Even an OCARINA would have been a better choice than this weeny little harp.”
“GAH! I WAS, I WAS!”
“Luna, you look so cute with your tiny hands balled into fists like that.”
“You’re only saying that because you haven’t felt the impact they can do. You should totally start a martial art, like… oh, Blue Dragon Karate or something.”
“Hmmm.”
“And now she’s considering it. Are you an even bigger sucker for punishment than I initially thought, Alex?”
“Why me?”
“Yeah, sure, gang up on me, why don’t you? And where’s this supposed junk that’s supposedly lying around?”
“I’m not talking about the stuff lying around, but the fine layer of dust just about everywhere. Didn’t you ever wonder why Luna’s room looks a whole lot more colorful than yours?”
“Oh, it sure can’t be because you wouldn’t even let me have the tiny one of the two carpets, but just gave them both to Luna.”
“Why I… I never know where you find the will to answer me like that. It can’t be from your father.”
“That’s for damn sure.”
“I’m having an idea where he might have picked up that sassy attitude, though.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk.”
“Yes, mom!”
“How rude.”
“No, the carpenter in town made mine.”
“Hush, Nall. It’s fun to watch her freak out for once.”
“You are a sadist, Alex. I like it.”
“OMMMMMG WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO! MY PLANS ARE RUINED! RUINED, I SAY!”
“Ooookay, that’s a bit too much. Hey, Luna…”
“If it’s not important, why are you locking the chest?”
“Because you weren’t meant to have then until right now. Besides, I’m keeping any sharp implements away from your mother.”
“Point!”
“Oh, that father. Why didn’t he just wash them before he stashed them away for the longest time?”
“No kidding. They smell to the high heavens.”
“I’m supposed to put this on?”
“Better you than me. Let’s go.”
“I just want this day to end. Is that too much to ask?”
“So, in Nall language; “battle clothes” = “slightly thicker clothes than I’m wearing now” and “sword” = “very tiny knife”. Got it.”
“You know, you could stand to be a little bit more optimistic, you know?”
“Nall, I have a friend who want to drag me over to a dragon cave where we MIGHT meet a dragon who MIGHT not want to hand over a diamond, a concept that is only slightly more appealing than playing the least manliest instrument known to man well enough to appease my violent and temperamental girlfriend. Where does ‘optimistic’ fit into the equation here, my friend?”
“Um… well…”
“Are you two done bickering like a couple of old grannies? We have a quest to go on.”
“Incidentally, what’s that smell? Ew!”
“It’s just your imagination, Ramus. Or your snacks. Let’s go before I completely lose any interest in life.”
“Yeah, let’s just say I’ve got a few… uh, inspirational jabs here and there. Speaking of which, how’s about a bit of a pep-talk before we head out.”
“…not quite what I had in mind, but whatever.”
“Wh… it’s an old ring. What the hell makes you think that’ll come in handy?”
“Because it’s old. And a ring. And you ask too many questions, Alex. I don’t like people who ask too many questions. By the way, did I mention I am the son of the village elder? Bad things can happen to people who question the son of the village elder.”
“Okay, okay. Just… just stop glaring at me.”
“FINALLY outside. When we started this cornball quest, I never thought I’d actually look forward to going, but now? I’m all fired up.”
“I think I can see where you’re coming from. I mean… yeah, we have a water source that kind of disappears into nowhere, but stuck between the mountains like this doesn’t let us enjoy much sunlight throughout the day.”
“I think I know of another way we can gain a little perk-up before we head off to the dragon caves.”
“SMURF TRAMPLING!”
“OH YEAH! TAKE THAT, YOU TINY BLUE BASTARDS! WHO’S YOUR DADDY NOW, HUH! GARGAMEL WILL EAT WELL TONIGHT!”
“…on second thought, maybe I should help you fight the dragon too, if push comes to shove.”
“Oh, you say that only because you didn’t see us a few minutes ago.”
“Hush, Nall.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Um… sorry about the blue-ish goo we’re dragging into your home.”
“Um… is it just me, or does this look like a…”
“Nipple? Yeah, that’s what I thought too.”
“Yeah, I guess it looks like that too.”
“Huh? But I thought… what did you… oh, never mind. I think I’ll be better off without knowing.”
“So you say, flying high up there. Couldn’t you at least dive down and blast them with your cute little ray from time to time?”
“Are you crazy? I’m NOT doing anything that’ll put me in danger.”
“Fine! Just… just keep on completely misinterpreting the levels of danger here.”
“So… exactly what is Luna going to contribute to these fights?”
“Bash them to death with her mighty fists, I presume.”
“…or put her mighty skills of ‘song’ to use, I guess.”
“That’s just… weird.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Lunar, a land of many nipples.”
“The fact that they’re used to heal all of us is even creepier. I don’t even want to THINK of the implications.”
“What the f… Nall, it’s a gigantic white monkey and a weird plant walking on tentacles and with a gigantic mouth filled with sharp teeth. Which part of that doesn’t scream ‘peeing-your-pants-frightening’ to you?”
“The one that points out that neither of them have wings. Anyway, good luck.”
“Ow, dear god, but that was anything but an ‘easy win’. That plant even had the ability to poison us. I don’t think I’ve ever thrown up as often as this.”
“Let’s take a break inside this weird ‘in-the-middle-of-nowhere’ building here.”
“Yeah, anything that isn’t outside is fine with me right now.”
“So she’s the goddess of catwalks and hippie culture? Sounds really fishy.”
“Alex, you’re not supposed to think too hard about it.”
“Besides, go get that priestess to heal you before you throw up all over yourself. Those clothes smelled bad enough out of the chest, and they sure ain’t smelling like roses now.”
“Well, at least I’m feeling a little better.”
“Look! There’s the dragon cave. Soon, the diamond will be mine, ALL MINE! MOUHAHAHAHA!”
“Whoops, my bad. Now I feel worse again.”
“So, that’s it, right? Quest over, right? We go home, right?”
“Not so fast, my unambitious friend.”
“Yeah, I just bet you’d do that too.”
“Actually, you would do it while I was having a snack break.”
“Hey, look. A wooden shield in a box. You won’t mind if I take this, right?”
“Uh… no, go right ahead. And, uh… I didn’t quite expect you to Falcon Punch that giant lump of ice. The ring had fire magic, you know.”
“I just chose the method that seemed right at the time. Any problems with that?”
“Nope. Just forget I asked.”
“Another floor? Urgh! Why me?”
“The diamond, Alex. Just remember the diamond.”
“Once we get it, I’m going to shove that diamond so far up your…”
“Calm down, Alex. Why don’t you take out your frustrations on… um, let’s see… oh, over there.”
“There you go, Alex. Go wild.”
“Nall, I’m brandishing a sword. Well, a knife, but… anyway, a bladed weapon. And you want me to cut snails and jellies? Are you out of your mind?”
“Well… that only means they’ll last longer, right? So what’s the problem?”
“Oh, nothing much. Just me WANTING TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!”
“Well, then, get started on hacking those enemies, and we’ll be on our way.”
“RrrrRRRrrrr.”
“We’ll… uh, we’ll help you, Alex. Even though you’re the only one that can really fight among us, we’ll do what we can, ok? So please stop frothing at the mouth already.”
“Just what we needed. Alex, please put this in your pipe and smoke it. Maybe that’ll calm you down?”
“Oh, lookie. A doorway, and not stairs. We HAVE to go in there.”
“What the hell WAS that herb anyway?”
“Who cares? Alex has calmed down, which should raise your chances for coming out of this cave alive.”
“Point taken.”
“Pooh, you’re no fun.”
“You alright, Alex? I’m glad you’ve calmed down and all, but this is a little bit TOO mellow.”
“Eeeverything is just fine. Nooo problem.”
“Yeah, he’s toasted. So, what’s our plan now?”
“Anyway, this isn’t the diamond we’re looking for. Let’s go somewhere else to look.”
“Weee, another gateway. Let’s enter it.”
“Diamond, diamond, diamond, diamond, diamond, diamond!”
“Oh great. Now they’re both mentally absent. Can I count on you to keep an eye on us all, Luna?”
“I’ll… give it a shot.”
“I… think we found the dragon.”
“Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds!”
“Well, at least Alex is back with us. So, what do we do now?”
“Oh god oh god oh god, it’s awake.”
“What do we do what do we do what do we do?!”
“Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds!”
“NOT NOW!”
“Wow, that certainly looks…. less impressive.”
“It’s just an old geezer.”
“Now that’s just rude!” *cough* “Anyway…”
“Gah! Not you too. Everyone’s talking like I was heading out for some grand quest or something. Haven’t you guys ever heard about the ‘less is more’ principle?”
“Yeah, I think some loser once said that. Nothing ever came of him, or so I hear.”
“And yet you DID hear about him.”
“Yyyeah, whatever. Could someone please punch Ramus on the back of the head to snap him out of it?”
“Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds!”
“I’ve got you covered.”
“Oh, you ain’t touching MY manhood. No way, you dirty old man.”
“That’s not what I meant, you creepy brat.”
“Oh, sure, you just happened to throw out the word ‘manhood’ right out of the blue, huh?”
“Wh… what? Are you coming on to HER now? You’re just a dirty old man… er, dragon. Just admit it.”
“I will do no such thing. Besides, you were the one who barged into my home. Why are you here anyway?”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t expect me to care where you store it. Do you have it or not?”
“Ok, we got what we came for — which, incidentally, is a huge chunk of dragon droppings — so can we go now?”
“Just a sec, Alex. Ramus just needs to get over his rock-fondling issues and resume his neural connections to his feet. So, how about it, Ramus.”
“Niiiice rock. Nice big rock. I lovelovelovelove you, because you’ll make me rich.”
“Weeeell, maybe a couple more minutes.”
“Yeah, I bet you are. I’m keeping the armor on, though.”
“Ha ha, you cheeky little boy.”
“Finally out of that creepy place. Let’s just go home, so Ramus can spend the rest of the day slobbering over his new gemstone.”
“………..”
“………..”
“………..”
“Richrichrichrichrichrichrichrichrich.”
“………..”
“………..”
“………..”
“Richrichrichrichrichrichrichrichrich.”
“Yeah, I heard you the first five thousand eight hundred and twenty-nine times.”
“Um… Ramus, dear… shouldn’t you go home and let your parents know you’re all right?”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes!”
“Eeep! Ok, ok.”
“I don’t think so. I think I’d enjoy watching you sweat some more.”
“That’s just so manipulative. Where’s the brotherly love?”
“That one left town when you chose to bring me along on this brainless sceme.”
“Should I take this as a hint?”
“I was hoping you could.”
*sigh* “Why me?”
“Oh god, no. That means I have to…”
“Come with me? Never thought you’d ask. So, when do we start off? Right this instant?”
*groan*
“Now, now, Ramus. Before you head out, you should go home to your parents and let them know you’re off.”
“Luna, you’re a parenting junkie. You know that, right?”
“Hush now, Nall.”
*snerk* “Good one.”
“You all laugh now, but just wait until I’ve made it big.”
“But you already have, Ramus.”
“Hee hee.”
“Argh! No, I meant… when I’m a member of the big leagues.”
“You already are.”
“Aahaaahaahahaha.”
“You jerks.”
“Oh man, that was just great. Yeah, I think I’ll manage the journey to Meribia just fine now.”
“Yeah. I mean… what can go wrong now?”
And so the path of destiny is set, perhaps somewhat unwillingly, but clearly exposited all the same. What fate has in store for our young hero can only be told through various trials to come. Who knows what barriers will meet our friends as the story unfolds. What trials await them.
“FFFFFFFF…”