Prologue – In a galaxy far, far out there….
Hello, ladies and gentlefriends. Today, I bring you a tale from afar, from a game large and full of character… or at least characters. What’s more, the tale of the game crosses a thousand years for those who has been with it from the very beginning — maybe even more so, for those who have taken part in it will find themselves recollecting events that have been thousands of years in the making. It’s the tale of a planet. It’s the tale of the moon, but most of all, it’s the tale of….
LUNAR: ETERNAL NOOB!
And in a galaxy far, far out there — just a little to the right, take left at the fifth sun in the theta sector and straight into morning, not forgetting to pass the second planet by. It’s only inhabited by a bunch of losers anyway, so nobody cares about them. Anyway, once you’ve passed that one and reached the third planet — not a subtle hint or anything — there you’ll find the Blue Star.
Now, as you can all see, nothing can possibly live in this icy, snowy hell. Storms are frequent and harsh, and not even penguins would be able to huddle together for warmth.
But wait… what’s this? Surely the storm cannot abate so soon.
In the distance, a lone spire reaches towards the sky, like a really tacky Christmas ornament and dwarfed by the majestic mountains in the distance. That is, if the mountains aren’t just small hills and the spire a mere toy.
It would appear not. The mysterious tower…. towers…. above ground, its secrets carried within. Who knows what terrible destruction has been wrought over this planet, reducing it to a icy, barren, stormy wasteland.
Inside the giant tower, a crystal rests, like a Christmas ornament inside a Christmas ornament. And inside the crystal, there is a girl.
WHOA! HALT! Let’s just skip the next part, lest we be raising the age limit of this game, and, by default, this story.
Thankfully, this girl seems to have taken the “lady Godiva” approach as far as her chest goes, odd as it seems. Inside her crystal she sleeps and waits….
…and dreams.
A pair of hands enveloping Lunar? For protection, perchance?
Uh oh.
Oh dear lord, the humanity. The omens. The nightmare….
And so, the girl awakens, rather abruptly so. Does she know the proprietor of these hands, I wonder? She decides to take action…
…by powering up? SUPER SAIYAJIN LUCIA IS GO!
Rippling like water, the crystal allows the girl to exit…. if that makes any sense.
Floating out, like she was ejected by an invisible forklift, the mysterious girl FLOATS into action.
Completely freed from the constraints of the crystal, the girl inside ponders her next step. What thoughts go through her mind, raised from her sleep by unsettling dreams?
“Oops! Gravity works.”
Oh well, we trust she will be fine. And with that, the start of the legend of…
…starts.
A long, long time ago, in a planet far, far away, a giant monster came from the skies and reigned destruction all over.
Not all that keen on the idea of dying horribly, naturally, the people fought back.
Unfortunately, since the people of Lunar didn’t know how to party right, things got out of control. Everyone started slaying each other left and right.
And despite the whole “preferring not to die” thing, human beings nevertheless died in horrible numbers, seemingly mostly by being impaled. And here I thought this giant tentacle-dragon-head thing was supposed to be such a huge threat.
Nevertheless, a few people kickstarted their common sense and asked their local deity, the Goddess Althena, to “get them to stop with this nonsense”. Sadly, that wasn’t as easy as she had hoped, so she went to “Super Whatever Level 3” and flew the rest of the Common Sense Alliance to Lunar and rebuilt their world there.
Meanwhile, another deity of significant powers were tasked with safeguarding the shattered remains of the Blue Star. Since the warranty of the place had run out, the Goddess couldn’t get the resurrection of said world started until the necessities were gathered.
Or so the story goes. Our young lady, still puzzled by her sudden awakening, walks on to see what is afoot.
Her footsteps echoes silently in the abandoned halls, with statues and crystals marking the battles long fought.
The statues of the alliances of men still stand proud, as if safeguarding her march towards the outside area.
Striding resolutely towards the light, she walks on. What trials will she face once outside?
What evils await outside, and if not, will the bitter cold claim her life? This is where it all begins.
“Nice speech, dude. That didn’t sound the least bit pretentious or anything.”
“OK, this storm is definitely NOT over yet. Who the hell messed with my alarm clock? I thought I was alone up here. Anyway, there will be hell to pay if I ever find out who.”
“I should definitely have brought my coat or something. I can stand a lot of cold, but this is ridiculous.”
“Brrr. I guess the wind must have gotten to it or something. Another lonely night for me.”
“Is that a full moon? Uh oh. I feel…. strange.”
“Juuust kidding. I’m not a werewolf or anything. Oh wait, what’s that?”
Um, excuse me, miss Lucia, but have you ever heard about the story of the boy who cried wolf?
“Oh, put a sock in it, mr. Storyteller. I’ve been left alone here on Lunar, the least thing you could do is tolerate a prank or two.”
Fair enough.
“Bleurgh. That’s just gross. And you were concerning yourself with me being naked?”
That’s some people for you. Cruel, bloody violence? No worries. OMG LIGHT NUDITY? SATAN’S WORK!
“Augh, crap! Something evil’s going on up there. That means I’m going to have to go there, doesn’t it?”
Afraid so.
“I knew it! Well, I’ll go boot up the ol’ travellin’ crystal. Do you think you could go ahead of me and get this story started? I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
Sure, why not.
*ahem* So yes, it is, indeed, a nice day on Lunar. The Blue Star — which looks more like a planet, yes. Don’t ask — hangs silently in the sky, as if to say “get your asses back here and make things right, you nimrods”.
And it is a lively place, Lunar. With the more sensible parts of the old residents from the Blue Star, it’s a thriving community, filled with all kinds of people, like farmers, animal herders, traders, shopkeepers…
…and temple robbers.
“Adventurers, if you don’t mind.”
….yes, of course. Adventurers.
“Not sure I like the tone of your voice there, buddy. You sure you want this story to get started?”
Of course I would. Hey, if you’re such a bigshot about it, maybe you’d like to take over the storytelling duties from here on?
“Sure thing, dude. That’s a nice idea, in fact. So how about you just sit down, have a drink and a rest. Leave it to me.”
“Hiro, who the hell are you talking to? The voices in your head again?”
“Oh, quiet, you. I’m talking to the story teller.”
“Riiight. Well, tell him to sit down and have a drink, because we’ve got work to do.”
“I did that. And why are you upside down?”
“Um… are you drunk or something…?”
“YOU’RE the one who’s upside down. Now, grab that jewel already, unless you want to immolate yourself to death.”
“Crap, yeah, I forgot about that. Anyway, there. Got the dragon jewel.”
“Now that that’s done, let’s get the hell out of here.”
“Crap! And hurry, the area above is closing up.”
“Oh, crap, crap, crap, crap! Climb, Hiro. CLIMB!”
“Iiiiii faaaaaiiileeeeeed!”
“Hiiiiiiiroooooooo.”
“I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.”
“Of course you can. Get the hell up, or I’ll roast your buttcheeks.”
“Bah! You’re no fun.”
“Neither are those two… things.”
“Gah! What… what the hell is that?”
“I don’t know. I do know one thing we need to do, though.”
“What’s that?”
“RUUUUUUN!”
“Oh God oh God oh God they’re still after us. Runrunrunrunrun!”
“And flyflyflyflyflyflyfly!”
“Rightrightrightrightrightrightright.”
“Oh, crap! A dead end. What do we do now?”
“Don’t ask ME. Just… dodge.”
“Leftleftleftleftleft.”
“Wait! The other way, dammit. It’s a stairway.”
“OK, OK. Don’t stress me, Ruby. I’ve got enough of that for now.”
“I’m… lost.”
“Hiiiroo. We do NOT have the time to get lost right now.”
“Tell that to the two fireballs following us around.”
“Are you mad?! That’s two beings I would very much like to lose their way ten minutes ago.”
*huf huf* “Getting tired now.”
“No time for that. Just RUN!”
“I… *huf* …think we… *huf* …lost them.”
“We did? Man, I’ve been so nervous, I didn’t look back at any time. Just feeling that warm breath down my neck was enough to keep me flapping for dear life.”
“OK, to the rig… OH CRAP, TURN AROUND FAST.”
“WHAT?!”
“Not much, just CRUSHING, ROLLING DEATH COMING OUR WAY!”
“DAMN YOU, INDIANA JONES!”
“Yeah, nothing like swift, crushing, burning death when you have a big gem in your pocket.”
“Sure, why not? I was getting hungry anyway.”
“All that excitement, and he’s thinking about food.”
“Oh lay off.”
“Wait a second, Hiro. What the hell is THAT?”
“My God, it’s a giant vehicle of some sort.”
“And a dude with a horn standing at the front.”
“KIDS, LISTEN! Did you know that the Sega CD is NOT the first CD-based console hardware available on the market?”
“Who does this joker think he is? As if there’s anyone here who gave half a damn about Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective.”
“Enough with the obscure references already. Who are you? Identify yourself!”
“Certainly. I am White Knight Leo, leader of Althena’s Guard and a closet Johnny Turbo fan. How much, you’ll probably find out some time later in this story, but just for the sake of appearances; under no circumstance do I feel the need to dress up like a superhero in a costume change that won’t fool anyone. Do you hear me?!”
“Um… sure, dude. Whatever you say.”
“Well, anyway, I don’t have the time to stand around here talking to some kids. Helmsman, set the course for the Blue Spire. Let’s go!”
“…..”
“Hiro, please tell me I didn’t just see that.”
“That there was nobody AT the helm? I… kind of saw that myself.”
“Do you know what that means?”
“He’s… TALKING TO HIMSELF ALL DAY LONG!”
“Uh… no, that’s not quite what I was getting at.”
“Well, whatever. Let’s just go home and warn Grandpa about this.”
Alas, as it turns out, this will be just the beginning for our intrepid friends. Who knows what dangers they will have to face on… well, their journey home. Or even what kind of people they will meet along the way. Let us all hope for the best.
“Dude, could you please not sound so damned ominous?”
Sorry.