Chapter 20: Spelunker’s delight.
“And if you look to your left….”
“Oh.. oh… quiet, everyone. I love this part.”
“…you’ll find the city of Neo-Vane, ass-down in the mountains. There are five other good reasons why this happened, but I think we can all agree that the main cause can be summed up with ‘Borgan is made up of 100% fail’.”
“Did I mention I never get tired of hearing that?”
“So… what are we doing in this place? Surely, there’s nothing more to be gained from coming here?”
“Actually, there is. Not a big thing, but we’re on a treasure hunt, so every bit counts.”
“My word, Lemina, you certainly grew up… in all the places that count.”
“So, when you’re not being a pervert yourself, you’re trying to make others come off as perverts by putting your filthy words into their mouths?”
“Oh, go on, Lemina. Sit with him for a spell while we go and pick up that treasure chest. It’s not like there’s any monsters inside the mine at the moment.”
“Oh no, I’m not letting you hog all the treasure. I’m coming with you whether you like it or not.”
“Lemina, sometimes you DO come across as a bastard, even without Ronfar’s help.”
“Nice work, kid. Keep it up, and one day, you might grow up to become like me.”
“Now, now, Hiro. Don’t discourage the kid.”
“You’re trying to cheat a little kid, Lemina? You sure are something, alright.”
“Hey, every bit counts. I’ve got a big city to rebuild.”
“Whatever! Isn’t it about time we went and picked up the chest refill items we came here to fetch?”
“Sure thing, Lemina. We can talk some more about this later.”
“Hmmm, that is, indeed, an ominous name.”
“Well, that’s one item I WON’T be touching.”
“Oh, fine…. hand it over, you wussies. I’ll put it to good use.”
“Anyway, since we’ll be going into dungeons with enemies this time, how about we go and train some before tackling those parts?”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Good God, Hiro. Would you mind telling me why we’re out here in the cold… again… fighting these deceptively cute fluffballs of MAWS AND TEETH made up from the essence of nightmares?”
“Um… because they’re the only enemies giving experience worth a crap at this point?”
“Oh, alright. I’ll just charge you the psychiatrist bills later. Anyway, eat huge-ass fireball, you creepy fur-toads.”
“Now that felt VERY therapeutic.”
“PETA is going to throw SUCH a fit.”
“Yeah, but… who cares?”
“Now THAT’S more like it.”
*some time later*
“That wasn’t the worst way to spend a couple of hours. Anyway, where to next?”
“I thought we’d start off with Dragon’s Nest, since that one gave us such a hard time last time.”
“Should be a cakewalk now, though.”
“Alrighty, here we are. You guys ready?”
“Ready as we’ll ever be.”
“This is actually my first time down this place. It’s quite exciting, really.”
“Well, prepare to be disappointed, because there’s not really a whole lot to see.”
“Um… this counts as ‘not a whole lot’?”
“Well… yeah. So these enemies are copying us. Big whoop.”
“That’s what we got the last time we were here. A big whoop. Now that we’re all level 99, though, this should be cake.”
“Oh my… THIS counts as ‘not a whole lot’ too? Aren’t you the demanding ones?”
“Well, it might be something… if we could only remember to actually bring any of it.”
“Lucia’s what? Did she stash that thing in there the last time we went down here?”
“Either way, we now have a physical manifestation of Lucia’s power of emo. I haven’t decided whether I find that awesome or horrifying yet. Maybe I’ll sleep on it.”
“Dude, ew!”
“In the metaphorical sense, you twit.”
“Suuuure.”
“Oh, goodie. You know what I want to hear right now, Hiro?”
“Aw, c’mon, Lemina. We passed this point not too long ago.”
“Awww, but Hiiiroooo.”
“OK, fine. Ladies and gentlemen, if you all look to the left…”
“OK, now that we’re a helluva lot stronger, this should be a cinch.”
“It’s true, actually. Dragon’s Nest was a hell of a lot harder than this place, so this should be over real fast-like.”
“We still have to fight those icky fleshy-monsters, though.”
“The what?”
“Oh, that’s right. You weren’t with us the first time around. Well, in that case, you really have something to look forward to.”
“Do I like the sound of that?”
“Well… no, not really.”
“Hm. That really was over and done with in a flash.”
“Those monsters sure were something, though. I mean… ew.”
“Told ya.”
“You know, we actually forgot to ask Nall where we might find that other eye.”
“Well, you were so caught up with that new toy of yours and so eager to go out and try it.”
“Yeah, but still… none of you even thought to ask?”
“Hey, YOU are the group leader here.”
“Besides, I wasn’t even a member of the group at the time.”
“Neither was I. Ironically enough, even though I was basically using his aura, I’ve actually never met him in person.”
“Well, you’re about to. Pray he isn’t the vindictive type.”
“Oh, that’s right. We did see each other briefly in Vane after Zophar was defeated. Imagine that.”
“D’oh!”
“Well, in that case, it should be a piece of cake.”
“I wouldn’t say that. From what I understand, he’s already tested your combat abilities before.”
“What? When? Where?”
“That’s for me to know and you to figure out eventually. I’m sure it’ll be a kick, though, especially since you’ll be finding out just how much he held back. Oh, I am almost tempted to come with you just to watch the spectacle.”
“You say ‘good luck’ after a bite-sized amount of sarcasm like that? Uh….”
“Hey, even if I enjoy watching you guys bite off more than you can chew doesn’t mean I don’t wish you well.”
“Flippety flop on the microphone.”
“Freestylah?”
“Can we stop with the random nonsense and get to the point?”
“Uh… *cough* …sure.”
“OK, that’s something, but do you think you can tell us something we don’t already know?”
“I would if you’d just lay off with the interruptions.”
“Neato. That’d help.”
“Well, back to the icy wastes again. We seem to return to that place a whole lot, don’t we?”
“Nall probably planned it like that as revenge for me flaming him to his face.”
“That… that bastard, his ironic sense be damned.”
“You’re enjoying this too, aren’t you?”
“You better believe it.”
“Yeesh, he pretty much tore apart the ground for this?”
“I think it’s been here all the time. Just… y’know, hidden.”
“Oh, just think of all the TREASURES we’ll find down here.”
“I dunno, Lemina… this place doesn’t exactly scream ‘loads-o-treasure’ to me.”
“Oh, poo. Don’t you rain on my fantasies, Ruby.”
“Oh man, this place is echoing like crazy. The whole place probably knows we’re here now.”
“I wonder what kind of enemies we will be fighting in here.”
“Hmmm? ‘we’?”
“OK, OK. ‘You’. Stop being such an anal retentive stick-in-the-ass.”
“Oooh-kaaay, this is certainly… um, how do I say this?”
“Stupid yellow enemies can’t spell. It’s ‘hellraiser’.”
“The constant echoes and the convoluted rooms make it hard to navigate properly.”
“Not to mention the whole atmosphere is just creepy.”
“Heads up. Incoming enemies.”
“Looks like we’re up for a few more years of bad luck.”
“Didn’t we face these dopes in the Goddess tower?”
“I don’t think it’s the same enemies, though they are similar.”
“Well, they’re flat pieces of mirror glass. Of COURSE they’re similar.”
“I’m so tired of this place. It’s built of stone and concrete, and it’s just so damn COLD here.”
“And whatever you do, don’t lick the walls.”
“Of course. I mean… who’d be stupid enough to do that?”
“That voice….”
“It sounds so very familiar for some reason.”
“And we’re already at the bottom floor. I don’t see how we could fall any further down than this.”
“It was an expression, Leo.”
“Oh! Ahaha, of course. I was just… uh, kidding.”
“So, when’s the so-called ‘appointed time’?”
“Well, it doesn’t matter. I don’t have time to wait for your flight schedules to clear up, so I’ll be taking that eye now.”
“But only if the PRICE IS RIGHT!”
“Hey, wait a sec…. it’s the guy from Bandit Butte. The guy we fought when we weren’t even in our twenties levelwise.”
“You’re right. And here I was worried for a second, but this is going to be piss-easy. I mean… what harm can he possibly inflict on us?”
“Ouch!”
“You just HAD to ask, didn’t you?”
“OK, so that’s a bit more than he gave us at Bandit’s, but it’s still not that bad. I mean, we’re way overlevelled now, so this shouldn’t be a problem.”
“What’s… he doing right now?”
“It looks like he’s aiming with a Gunsword?”
“Oh, come on. That’s just stupid.”
“Are you idiots done talking among yourselves? We’re in the middle of a fight, you know.”
“OK, that should tide us over for the next att-..WHOA!”
“Ack!”
“Ow!”
“BARF!”
“Mega-owwie.”
“By the stinging sensation of agony…”
“Also, he totally stole my move, that cad!”
“What’s he doing now? Reaching enlightenment?”
“No, he just lost.”
“…for now!”
“W-what do you mean?”
“Wait and see.”
“It actually means we’ll be facing him later.”
“…well, yeah. Something like that.”
“You already said that.”
“Oh. Um, well… later, then.”
“Actually, we did.”
“Who is this ‘we’ you’re talking about.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“D’oh!”
“Did I miss something?”
“Not really. You weren’t with us at the time, but we met this guy once before, smack dab in the middle of nowhere and for no particular reason.”
“Yeah, we’re just stealing his eyes. Nothing particularly wrong about that.”
“Oh, quiet you. We wouldn’t have to do this if he’d be more cooperative about sending Hiro to the Blue Star.”
“Yes, whatever. Anyway, this place is freaking cold, so can we please do what we came here for and leave?”
“Oh, right, right.”
“There we go. Nothing to it.”
“Ruby, do you suffer from infant senility or something? We know EXACTLY where to find the other eye.”
“Oops, uh… yeah, you’re right, Hiro. Anyway, let’s just do a quick check to the right of this head before we teleport outside. Who knows what we might find there.”
“Oh, wow. It’s a gang war.”
“The Bloods with a band of their thugs. I sure hope we don’t run into anyone from the Crips down here.”
“Compensation Power!”
“Yeah, OK… I think I’ll refrain from equipping this one.”
“OK, so we done now? Can we please teleport away from this place now? Please?”
“Oh, alright. Stop nagging.”
“Any particular reason why we’re here?”
“Nothing. I just heard there was a guy here we should go talk to.”
“Why?”
“No reason.”
“Oh, jeez. Don’t tell me it was THAT guy.”
“Um… no.
“That… didn’t make any sense. Wouldn’t him not having a spine imply that he wouldn’t have the courage to come talk to you?”
“Well, that, or he wouldn’t have the ability to move because I tore it out of his back.”
“Christ, Jean, don’t give in to the dark side too soon on us, OK?”
“Oh, God… THAT’S the guy you wanted to go talk to?”
“Well, uh… yes.”
“It what?”
“In your dreams, maybe.”
“Not to mention some vomit down the back, because I’m going to throw up.”
“And what differentiates a ‘grab’ from a ‘grope’?”
“At least he’s not going for a ‘glomp’.”
“Jeeeaaan… *urp*”
“Please, Hiro. With the vomit mixed into it, it’ll be a napalm shot this guy won’t soon forget.”
“Either way, can we please go talk to someone who creeps me out less?”
“I said ‘LESS’!”
“Well, that actually IS less offputting.”
“FIFA beans? Is that some sort of disease? Like hemorrhoids that only affect soccer players?”
“I think I jinxed myself.”
“What I’ve ‘done’? I just defeated him, that’s what I did. Mind telling me how that was a bad thing, you cannibalistic sicko?”
“Just leave it alone, Jean. We should probably head over to the Dragon’s Ruins to pick up the other eye. We can stop in Raculi along the way, so Leo can go see Mauri again.”
“Not that I remember much of it, mind you. Which is probably for the best.”
“And now that that’s done…”
“Judging by the smell coming from his boots, that’s probably true.”
“Um… he said soul.”
“Well, yeah, I… oh.”
“Uh oh. It’s THAT look.”
“What, you mean the mildly annoyed one? I give you that all the time.”
“Yeah, but you’re just a little kitty, so nobody cares.”
“I… think I just died a little inside.”
“Haha, always the kidder, Ruby. Hey, maybe we’ll come visiting you at Taben’s Peak if or when we have said kids.”
“Hiro, are you sure I can’t go with you to the Blue Star? I promise I won’t be a bother. Pretty please?”
“Ruby….”
“Always and always and always and always and always and always and always and always and always and always…”
“Guys, please….”
“And now Larpa. Why the grand city tour all of a sudden?”
“Rumors, Ruby. Rumors.”
“But we already know where the place is.”
“One must always follow proper form when dealing with situations like this.”
“I’ll kick your ass with ‘proper form’ if you don’t hurry up with this.”
“Oh gee, I wonder where that might have been. I’m sure it COULDN’T have been the place we were raiding just before all this started or anything.”
“I don’t know about you, but ‘garba garba goom goom’ sounds anything BUT scary.”
“I’m sure it was the insides of your rattling brain. Can we go now?”
“It’d help if you stopped fooling around with the temple priestesses. And keep that burning sensation away from me, mister. I’ve got a fiery breath, and I’m not afraid to use it.”
“In fact, that might be a folk remedy worth trying.”
“Roooonfar… don’t give him any ideas.”
“Well, here we are. This is the place where we barely escaped with our lives right before meeting Leo for the first time.”
“Ahaha, yeah, I remember that. I was surprised to find anyone actually living out here.”
“But you knew about Grandpa, didn’t you?”
“Well, yeah, but I actually thought he lived a lot closer to Larpa.
“Oh, look. It’s the welcoming committee.”
“More thugs, but now lead by a Decepticon.”
“Robots in disguise…”
“Go Hiro. Wave that geek flag high.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, don’t push. I don’t cherish the idea of falling down here.”
“Oh yeah, I definitely remember these guys.”
“They sure lead us on a merry chase, didn’t they?”
“Well, either way… it’s PAYBACK TIME!”
“The perfect bracelet, because if anyone needs to get a life, Ronfar is the one.”
“That’s right, Ruby. You seem to have figured out who to go to. Good girl.”
“Gah! Felled by my own failure to understand sentence structures. I wish I paid more attention to that in Nall’s classes instead of encouraging everyone to shoot at him with slingshots.”
“Oh dear. This fight is bound to get really confusing real fast.”
“It’s everyone. Even Leo.”
“I’m not sure whether to feel flattered or worry about us being in over our heads.”
“D’oh! NOW we find these, once the fight is done.”
“Well, at least you have the entire Dragonmaster set now.”
“Not that I can use them to the fullest, though. Curse you, blue eyes.”
“OK, guys, this is the place. Now, hold on to the door real tight so it won’t close up. I didn’t much like the fall I took from it the last time I was here. It was a long way down, and it hurt quite a lot.”
“And then we had to run around like a bunch of idiots just as you got to your feet.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“And I think the blood is getting to my head. I feel… light.”
“Gah! Back up, back up!”
“Thank… you, miss… Obvious.”
“You’re just cranky because I’m so brilliant.”
“Feeling… dizzy… now…”
“Oh, Hiro, you’re all red.”
“*whew* OK, I feel better now. And we’ve finally completed our prime objective. And you all know what that means?”
“YEAH!”
“Hmmm…. I wonder…”
Success is so close, Hiro can almost taste it. Pretty soon, the way to the Blue Star will be open and Hiro will once again be reunited with the first boobs he ever saw. The fact that he has never ever set foot on the Blue Star doesn’t seem to phase him or distract him from his goal. Tense, yet resolute, his eyes only gaze towards the Star Spire, where his destiny awaits. There will be no distractions, no obstacles that cannot be overcome. Nothing will stand in his way.
“I’ve got both my jewels, alright. Hurhur.”
“Oh gawd, Hiro! Get a hold of yourself. We don’t have time for this.”
“Weeee..”