Chapter 19: I’m sorry, but the princess is on another planet.
“Young man! There’s no need to feel down, I say… young man! Get your feet off the ground….”
“I’m not sure why, but I seem to be suffering from a severe case of the heebie jeebies.”
“I know what you mean. The dance is definitely the worst part.”
“It’s fun to stay at the…”
“Grandpa, PLEASE!
“Oh, fine. Hmph.”
“You just made that up right now, didn’t you?”
“Well… yeah.”
“Hmm. Well, gee… we wouldn’t POSSIBLY know where at least one of the eyes are now, would we, Ruby?”
“Ah, no, of COURSE not. It’s not like we were gallivanting in some strange ruin somewhere, where we found the one that got us into the Blue Spire or anything.”
“You’re not listening to us, are you grandpa?”
“No!”
“That’s actually a neat idea. We should probably go pick up the others anyway.”
“All aboard the Dragonship express!”
“Well, there’s Raculi. I hope Ronfar hasn’t gone and gotten all whipped on us while we were away.”
“Or spanked. There’s a lady in Vane who would LOVE undertaking such a task.”
“Don’t I think? I think it’s none of your business, that’s what I think.”
“Something like that.”
“Well, we’re looking for some ruins we don’t really know the location of. So we’re taking the shotgun approach as well as just asking random people.”
“Nothing much. She just made like David Copperfield and spirited herself back to the Blue Star without even as much as a by-your-leave.”
“Fight? We didn’t quite get to that part of the relationship. In fact, I didn’t even make it to first base, come to think of it.”
“Um… yeah, not quite what I was asking for, but hey…”
“Bye, Mauri.”
“That… was short and to the point.”
“That’s all you’re going to say?”
“Yep.”
“OK. Um… never mind, I guess. As for the explanation for the ‘Sugar Buns’ thing… that you can keep to yourself.”
“Hiro, I swear… if you start singing songs from ‘Grease’, I will end your life right here and now.”
“Hm? I wasn’t even thinking about doing that. Perish the thought.”
“1000 Silver says he’s running around the countrysides with that stupid mask on.”
“What mask?”
“Um… it’s better you don’t know. Just in case it runs in the family or something.”
“Besides, that’s none of yo’ beeswax anyway.”
“Told ya.”
“Ah, the village of Hey Ronfar What Are You Doing, where the house of That Deadbeat Gambling Loser With The Crazy Girlfriend stands.”
“It’s a Gala Event.”
“Erm… what?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“Alright, next on our list is… Lemina. I’m sure she won’t mind coming along again or anything.”
“And since Ronfar, Jean and Leo helped, I guess that also means there is ‘the gambling town that saved the world’, ‘the carnival that saved the world’ and ‘the hicksville that saved the world’ also.”
“Not to mention ‘the shack in the middle of nowhere that saved the world’.”
“Oh, shut it. Say, Hiro… you OK there?”
“She said…’bust’.”
“Oh, for the love of…”
“And here we are reading Lemina’s diary again. Any particular reason why we’re not leaving her private, innermost thoughts alone?”
“Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you don’t want to find out what she thought about the last couple of days.”
“All bark and no bite, huh? That’s funny, coming from the one who got piledriven so hard into the ground that even Borgan must have felt it all the way out here.”
“And speak of the devil.”
“The grossly overweight devil.”
“Yes. Anyway, speaking of which, I’m surprised to see him still here and not in the… oh, DUNGEON, considering what he did.”
“Um… why?”
“Well… uh, because Lemina is on his case?”
“Wow, big whoop-de-doo. I’m sure the children who had to work in his mines will feel vindicated when they learn that he’s being punished by way of Lemina bitching at him constantly.”
“That’s… kind of not why we’re here.”
“Oh, come, come. You’re hurting my feelings here.”
“You wanna talk about hurt feelings? Well, I can out-emo you any day, especially now that Lucia isn’t here.”
“You… kind of lost me here. What happened?”
“With Lucia gone, you thought you’d settle for the sexiest girl on Lunar. Well, then, why didn’t you just say so.”
“That’s… not it either.”
“Oh, come on, Hiro. I was only joking. Of course I realized that you came to get my help to go to the Blue Star. Ronfar being in your party was kind of an obvious clue to that.”
“Let’s hear it for the blondes.”
“Lemina; putting blonde jokes in their place since 1994.”
“Anyway, let’s get down to business.”
“Now THERE’S the Lemina we know.”
“Well, it’s not like I’ll be needing any money where I’m going, so… sure, why not?”
“Nice. Again, I was just checking. Of course I wouldn’t charge a buddy. Plus, the loot we get from our fights will dwarf that sum anyway, even when shared between six people. I mean… what did we have in our bank account when Zophar bit the dust? Millions?”
“Something like that.”
“Anyway, that’s enough talk about money. Let’s go.”
“Never gonna give! You! Up! Never gonna let! You! Down! Never gonna run around and desert you….”
“Did… did we just get Rickrolled?”
“I think my head just exploded. Thanks for making me feel awful for saying what I did, Ronfar.”
“Then my work here is done.”
“Christ! Borgan, I’m really trying to get Lemina to help us out here. Could you please not sabotage that?”
“But I DO appreciate it.”
“Well, the next time something like this happens, try to show your appreciation by shutting the hell up.”
“Let’s just go before the guy makes you any more upset, Lemina.”
“Besides, I don’t really see how his obviously geeky and timid advances will count anywhere near foul-minded.”
“To me they are.”
“Whatever! Can we go now, please?”
“Well, since Nall’s in the area, how about we drop by and listen to what the guy has to say on the subject?”
“Do we have to?”
“Why, Ruby. I didn’t know you cared about Nall enough that you’ve entered the ‘lover’s quarrel’ part yet.”
“Nall’s not the one I’m having problems with — a quick flame breath usually takes care of that pretty quick. It’s the children who are driving me up the walls. Why did you think I headed out to see how Hiro was doing after such a short time?”
“Well, I think that kind of rolls with the whole ‘white dragon’ territory, since he’s a thousand years old and all.”
“McBorgan… that name makes me anything but hungry.”
“Then you have a great future ahead of yourself at MTV.”
“If they can fit her in between all the non-music-related programs they run nowadays.”
“Don’t even JOKE about that.”
“Besides, Ruby’s already pink, so their kids will probably be ‘nearly white’ or something.”
“Ha ha ha. Do we have to go through every single kid before talking with Nall? We all know where his room is, right?”
“Well, at least SOMEONE is noticing…”
“Oh, get over yourself.”
“Wow. Straight to the point. You don’t mess around much with words, do you?”
“I’ve been a kindergarten caretaker far, far longer than you’ve ever lived. You learn pretty quick that beating around the bush isn’t something you do in the presence of children unless you LIKE giving yourself more work than strictly necessary.”
“Point. Well, as far as I know, I need to find two more Dragon’s Eyes and take them to the Star Tower.”
“Well, looks like you have a plan.”
“Oh goodie. I like swords.”
“….”
“Hoooly crap! That is one nice blade.”
“Yeah, Nall. Any particular reason why we couldn’t have borrowed this when we were going up against Zophar?”
“You’re mixing it all up, Ruby. Defeating Zophar earned you the right to use this sword, not the other way around.”
“So… you’re not going to mind if I bring it to the Blue Star, then?”
“Naw. Just make sure Lucia safeguards it until the Blue Star is revived. I’ll just reclaim it then.”
“Now there’s a pleasant thought.”
“Say, how did he use it anyway?”
“He stabbed monsters with it, of course. What else do you do with a sword?”
“Ask a silly question… anyway, let’s go pick up Jean.”
“Oh, I’m for that, hurhur.”
“Here we go again.”
“Ah, the carnival. Just the way we left it.”
“Um… I better not. This place isn’t made almost completely out of metal like Taben’s Peak. Yeah, showing off my firebreathing skills back there might have turned out badly if not for that.”
“Well, we’re living in this world, and having the Dragonship around does make travelling quite convenient.”
“Um, yeah… about that.”
“She went back to the Blue Star for some absurd reason.”
“She what? Well, that just won’t do.”
“Not to worry, though. We’re going along to make sure Hiro gets a nice send-off when he’s going to the Blue Star.”
“Aha. And you dropped by to ask for my help, I take it?”
“Bingo.”
“Um… Jean, pardon me for reminding you, but doesn’t ‘old times’ for you center around being trained and misused for the sake of assassination?”
“Well, yes and no. I like to think of ‘old times’ as when we were galivanting around the countryside trying to get to the bottom of all this.”
“And I like to think of ‘old times’ when you were still dressed in that sexy dancer outfit of yours, regardless of how cold it was outside. Yowza!”
“Speaking of ‘old times’, here’s another blast from the past.”
“What do you mean by tha-..*OOF*”
“Hey, this IS like ‘old times’.”
“Aw. And here I was hoping for something from the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.”
“You’re doing this for kicks, aren’t you? Well, here’s one more for the road.”
“Jean, that’s a really bad pu-..*OOF*”
“Anyway, like I said; I never thought I’d use karate again, much less mere seconds after I put on my suit…”
“Who are you calling a special case?”
“I was thinking of Hiro’s request, but you’re definitely a special case too. The ‘short cart’ variety.”
“And that’s not going to change anytime soon. Actually, make that ‘never’.”
“I bet you’re looking forward to returning to THAT, Jean.”
“Oh, har har. Well, he’s not really doing anything other than standing around in this wagon all the time and blathering like a moron, so he’s not THAT much of a pest, even if he’s a creepy one.”
“And then… you can TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”
“Um… Jean?”
“Relax. I was just kidding.”
“Well, now all we need to do is find Leo OH SWEET JESUS MY FACE IS MELTING!”
“Um… wow, that looked unpleasant.”
“How can you say that when you do this to me all the time?”
“Oh great. It’s Grossman McDisgusting and his revolting wares. Good thing I haven’t eaten for a while, so there’s nothing to throw up.”
“And trust me; she’s got a LOT to spare.”
“Yeah. I just wish you’d remember that more often.”
“Well, gee… let us think about that for a little while. Are there any ruins nearby that he MIGHT just have been asking around about?”
“One that he MIGHT just have sent us all flying towards not too long ago?”
“Yeah. I mean… it’s odd that he even felt the need to ask, since he basically almost met us there.”
“And now we have to go back up that place. Ugh!”
“That… might kind of be our fault.”
“Yeah. We… um, kind of killed him.”
“Show some manners, you asshole.”
“Well, they’re going to learn sooner or later anyway.”
“Yeah, but still…”
“…unless they plan on being completely oblivious to it, of course.”
“Abba? What’s that?”
“I’m not sure, but for some reason, I think Leo… uh, I mean… Mystere might actually dig that sort of thing.”
“Well… yeah. I plan on doing something about that, though.”
“Really? Gee, I wonder who that could be?”
“Well, we’re going to have to do this, so let’s get to it.”
“Are you SURE we need Leo in our party? I mean… we COULD manage without him, right?”
“Oh, shut up and climb.”
“It means you should probably have chosen the red pill.”
“Gee, isn’t this just what I’ve always wanted; ploughing through this place again.”
“Well, at least the enemies are total pushovers this time.”
“Yeah, too much, in fact. I rarely ever get to do anything now.”
“Well, finally here. Leo better goddamn be up here, or I’m going to kill him if we run into him somewhere.”
“You being here! THAT’S what brought us here, you idiot.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I can see how you grew up in the company of Ronfar.”
“What are you talking about? That wasn’t nowhere NEAR the level of depravity I can sink to with my comments.”
“That’s true.”
“That’s nice, but… main point! Now!”
“Oh, not much to talk about. Lucia left me and went back to the Blue Star, and I’m going to find a way to get there.”
“Well, that’s just a travesty. Anyway, how about that Magic Arrow thing?”
“NO!”
“In fact, come over here for a second, Leo, and I’ll show you something.”
“What do you mean ‘made us’? I pretty much heaved my guts up there.”
“Oh, how could we ever forget? At least it doesn’t smell anymore.”
“Either way, I’m NOT sitting my ass down on that thing at ANY point in the future.”
“Besides, I think you scared Bulge from ever making more of those anyway.”
“I didn’t hit him THAT HARD!”
“Um….”
“Yes, yes, whatever. Can we please leave now?”
“Finally. Goodbye, stinkin’ ruins.”
“But they don’t smell now, do they? I mean… Lemina’s clothes aren’t covered in vomit this time around.”
“Could you please stop reminding me about that?”
“Um… Hiro, why are we in these parts?
“Oh, I just thought we’d check this place out, just in case someone refilled some of the chests.”
“But that’s just stupid. I don’t see how chests that have been emptied out would just be refilled by someone. It’s incomprehensible, it’s illogical, it’s…”
“…correct? Well, slap ME silly.”
“And since this treasure chest was refilled, you know what THAT means?”
“Er… that OTHER chests might have been restocked too?”
“Correctamundo. And that means we get to revisit some older dungeons, like… oh, Dragon’s Nest and Lion’s Head.”
“OH GAWD, NOOOOO!”
“Um… are these dungeons bad news or something?”
“Not really. It’s just that… well, you’ll see.”
“Anyway, let’s return to the Destiny, double-time. Hep hep hep hep hep.”
“Calm down, you spaz!”
With our friends gathered yet again for a common goal, it would seem this tale is not over quite yet. Hiro, eager to be reunited with Lucia, urges his friends onwards towards Destiny… erm, that is to say, THE Destiny, the dragonship that was left in Hiro’s care quite some time ago. We trust it will go well.
AAAAAH! DEAR GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE HORRIBLE WATERY DEATHS!”
“Don’t drive so close to the waterfall, you moron.”
“I can definitely see my house from here.”
“Leo, quick. Take control of the ship right now and get us closer to land before Hiro’s idiocy kills us all.”
“Right-o.”