Chapter 17: The final showdown at Zophar’s FAB-ulous fortress.
“Alright, I think we’re on the right track…. since it just turned ominously black and purple and all.”
“Yeesh, finally. How the hell do you take a wrong turn when all you have to do is hug the right wall all the way once you hit water?”
“Oh, stop complaining. It’s not like you have to fight Zophar anyway, so don’t even tell me you are looking forward to that.”
“Eugh! Well, at least it’s not some giant thing dangling from the skies anymore.”
“I am SO looking forward to ascending to the top floor in THAT place.”
“And we’re already off to a good start. Hey, it’s a Lucia-hologram wishing us welc…”
“RUN AWAY YOU FOOLS! WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?!”
“…or not so very welcome.”
“LUCIIIIAAAA!”
“Oh, why don’t you people ever listen. Look, Zophar has strung me up like Jesus, and now he’s waiting to ‘take care’ of you all, whatever he meant by that.”
“YES! THAT’S ME! CHRIST, AREN’T YOU PEOPLE PAYING ATTENTION? OPEN YOUR EYES! YEESH!”
“Hey, there’s no need to pitch a hissy fit. We’re coming to help you and all.”
“So… it’s much better if we just sit down here and wait for death?”
“Well… yes. What’s wrong with that plan?”
“Several things that I can think of, all of them basically culminating in us being dead.”
“Well, um.. gee. Althena’s Charm. Any reason why you couldn’t let us have this earlier, seeing as it’s actually quite useful?”
“Well….”
“Oh well, nothing to do now but walk forward. Let’s go, everyone.”
“Um… which is to say you already did that. So… uh, don’t give up any more than you already have.”
“Well, this is certainly… sparkly. Are those things on the floor gemstones?”
“Looks like it. Say, Lemina… anything wrong? You’ve got a bit of that unmistakable gleam in your eyes there.”
“Oh, mama. We’ve hit the mother lode here.”
“Yep. Lemina’s gone. Thoughts, Jean?”
“Yeah. I wonder what kind of enemies we’ll be facing in here.”
“Good question.”
“…and there’s your answer. ‘Lazer boy’? Seriously?”
“And what’s with that weird fish on the ground there. With the three eye-stalks and the big lips.”
“Hiro, you might want to take care of the enemy right in front of you, seeing as it’s CHARGIN’ ITS LAZOR and all.”
“Now this is just fabulous. Zophar sure knows how to keep up appearances. All that’s missing now is the drapes.”
“OK, the sorcerer looks kind of familiar, but… hats?”
“FLYING hats.”
“Well, gee, sorry. That does make all the difference in the world.”
“Say, Lemina? Want to slip into something a little bit more…. comfortable?”
“Why, Hiro, you horndog. I didn’t know you cared.”
“Hurhur.”
“There we go with the weird fish enemies again. And those aren’t eyes. They’re simply three more mouths.”
“HALP! TEHY’RE SUCKING OUT MAH BRAINZ!”
“Well, I guess that explains why they went for Hiro instead of Ronfar.”
“Hmm. I think this one is for Leo.”
“Oooh, that was a kingly gift.”
*facepalm*
“Are we there yet?”
“PLEASE don’t start with that again.”
“My God’, but you’d think with these gems, it’d be some sort of Hansel & Gretel thing, but they’re goddamn everywhere.”
“It’s Hansel & Gretel… ON CRACK!”
“This is certainly a large fortress.”
“FAB-ulously large.”
“We’ve also lost the gem-trail. Now we’re being guided by basically refraining from stepping onto huge spikes.”
“Phooey.”
“Hmm. What does this button do?”
“Famous last words.”
“Hiro, wait! DON’T PRESS IT.. damn it!”
“We fell.”
“So we did.”
“This place also looks kind of familiar.”
“So it does.”
“Hiro’s kind of a dope, isn’t he?”
“So he is.”
“Hey!”
“Well, let’s go back up and see if we can find more random buttons to press.”
“He never learns, does he?”
“Nope.”
“That was my stomach. Sorry.”
“What?”
“Well, it’s been a while since I ate. My stomach doesn’t fill itself when I’m standing around on roofs waxing emo, you know.”
“And whose fault is that?”
“It’s a dark, dark world.”
“Well, at least we’re getting somewhere now.”
“A ‘Magic Rod’, huh? I guess this one’s for Ronfar.”
“Thanks, but I already have a Magic Rod… IN MAH PANTZ!”
“Hiro, try bashing him over the head with it. Who knows, maybe it’ll activate whatever’s left up in his mostly vacant cranium.”
“Ewww. This place has slimy vines and stuff growing all over it.”
“And yet it looks strangely familiar. I wonder…”
“Well, save the wondering for later. We’re under attack… from an enemy that looks like it’s compensating for SOMETHING and… uh…”
“Looks like Chtulu’s benevolent cousin, B’hear Hug’h out to spread some group therapy.”
“Ugh! Everything here is just crawling tentacles and writhing veins. Did we make a wrong turn and end up in Chtulu’s pantry by mistake?”
“Is that… an eyeball?”
“It is! Ew, poke it.”
“Why me?”
“It actually worked. Who knew?”
“Knew what? That Zophar likes to gross his invaders out?”
“Yeah, that too.”
“Oh God’, another one. I ain’t pressing this one.”
“We seem to be under attack by plumes of smoke with arms and… is that a naked chick with a crow’s head sitting on the back of a goat with a snake’s lower body?”
“Oh wow, that is so wrong in more ways than I can count.”
“We’ve been walking around this place forever. And there’s no more gems either.”
“Lemina? Your priorities. Get them sorted. Now.”
“And you can start by pressing this eye switch.”
“Well, it’s official. I have no freakin’ idea where we’re supposed to go.”
“I would have liked chastising you for it, but I’m completely lost as well.”
“Ditto.”
“Let’s just solve it like we usually do: walk around until we miraculously arrive where we’re supposed to.”
“Ah, the last switch. Ronfar or Leo, this one is all yours.”
“Oh, joy.”
“A Gamblin’ Suit? Why the hell is there a Gamblin’ Suit in here?”
“Who cares? It’s better armor and it’s free. Hand it over.”
“It must be nice to be so simple.”
“Hey, we’re heading upstairs to put our feet into the rectum of an evil God’. What more do you feel you need to complicate more than strictly necessary?”
“In other news, feel the pain of my now increased firepower, fiends of Zophar.”
“Wow. A whole six points worth of damage. Don’t break a sweat now, y’ hear?”
“Well, here we are at the top floor, and… oh my, there sure is a lot of bright colors here.”
“Yeah. I’d almost be tempted to suspect we might have made a wrong turn somewhere.”
“Look, a closed gate and four indentations on the floor. This does kind of vaguely remind me of something that someone did in another universe somewhere out there.”
“Makes me wonder what we need to kill to obtain these stones.”
“Ah, gemstones, we meet again.”
“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me. We have to fight this guy again?”
“And there’s a total of four stones to collect. Gee, I wonder where this just happens to be going?”
“Well, at least they’re much easier to kill this time around.”
“Gah! It’s gone! NOOOOOOO!”
“Oh, there it is. Looks like we don’t have to carry them ourselves. They just teleport themselves once the asskicking is done.”
“Well, then… we’ve got work to do.”
“Red stone?”
“Sorted!”
“Blue stone?”
“In the bag.”
“And lastly, the white stone.”
“Beat ‘im black and blue.”
“Well, that was a waste of time and good flyer miles.”
“Alright, this is it. You guys ready? No knowing what kind of horrors await us in here.”
“Ready and waiting.”
“My dice are loaded for action.”
“My feet are itching for some action.”
“For Vane…”
“Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
“Leo, please keep it short. We’ve got a job to do.”
“Blah?”
“Man, this place is still just so darn bright and uplifting. And here I expected a dark nightmare of oily and light-consuming foreboding.”
“Yeah, we can do this. Easily, even.”
“If we ever get there, that is. There’s no enemies here, so what’s the point with the long road?”
“Wow, um… this is certainly darker and more evil, though.”
“LUCIA!”
“Hiro, why did you come here. Now you too must face his evil visage, which is more horrible than you can ever imagine.”
“Now, now, my dear. Is that any way to welcome our guests? They’ve come SUCH a long way to see us, you know.”
“What the…”
“Holy…”
“Oh my…”
“For the love of…”
“Blah blah….”
“How are you gentlemen? I am so glad to see you all.”
“……”
“You are all so silent. Is anything the matter? Surely, you are not surprised to find me here in all my glory.”
“OH HA HA HA HAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA OH GOD, I CAN’T BREATHE AH HA HA HA HA HA!”
“Hmm, a curious reaction. Is there anything about myself you find amusing?”
“Oh… oh… oh… regain your breath, Hiro. You can do this…”
“Ahahaha, ‘is there anything we find amusing’ he asks.”
“Hee hee.”
“Oh, Zophar, you really are killing us here.”
“On that topic…”
“Hnnngeheheh, I guess you might be right.”
“Ahaha, I can certainly see myself dead from laughter in around three minutes, so yeahahahahaaa.”
“Oh… oh… OK, let’s collect ourselves here. We’ve got a job to do, you know.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just… ahahaha.”
“David Bowie as Gareth from Labyrinth?”
“What are you talking about?”
“One of the character in the ‘Robin Hood – Men in Tights’ movie?”
“Oh, I got it! It’s someone from FAME. Remember it? ‘I’m gonna live foreeeveer….’ ”
“I hope your fighting skills are as good as your comedy talents, because I would just HATE for you to be unable to put up even a token gesture for a fight…”
“Hee hee, yes, let’s do that in a minute, as soon as I’ve recovered from the laughing fit.”
“Oh, sweet. Let’s shoot some hoops.
“As you wish.”
“Ow ow ow, that’s one nasty attack.”
“You like? It’s my ‘groin electrocutor’.”
“Uh oh. Fuzzy hand distortion.”
“HADOKEN GATLING CANNON!”
“Um… it’s ‘haduken’. Do you want to get us all sued?”
“Owowowowow, can you please find… OW… something actually worthwhile to… owow… argue about?”
“Well, gee, what’s that? The ‘Spirit Bomb’?”
“Here we go again.”
“You were both wrong. Taste the pain of my laser-scattering disco ball.”
“Ludicrous AND painful. It’s like a catch 22.”
“Ack! You defeated me in this form. Who knew?”
“Say, wasn’t he supposed to be invincible towards all kinds of attacks or something?”
“Well, FOR NOW at any rate.”
“Um… ‘big kahuna’? Seriously?”
” Yeah, he looked more like one of the Merry Men to me. Except that he didn’t look all that merry, but whatever…”
“No, not really. Bigger, yeah, but hardly more difficult.”
“Hee hee.”
“Well, at least some people are using their brains. Yeah, that was over a bit too quickly to really be the king of all evil.”
“But what is he going to do next?”
“AIGH! HE’S STEALING MY SPARKLIES!”
“Oh no! That fiend!”
“Just think… a world without any sparklies.”
“That is too horrible for words. We must defeat Zophar for good, or the result will be a non-sparkly world.”
“HAHAHAHA, you fools don’t stand a chance. Now that I’ve made Lucia my own personal hair ornament, you are all doomed.”
“Well, well, well, well. LoOK who has made his bed AND laid down in it.”
“That’s just…. stupid.”
“And it SO doesn’t go with his hair color.”
“…..”
“What?”
“All this is well and true, but he didn’t count on one thing.”
“Me suddenly beginning to believe in the power of humanity despite seeing you all stand there and take it like a bunch of bitches for a couple of minutes.”
“Noooo, this cannot be!”
“Zophar? Your hair ornament can’t stand you, and now you’ve lost.”
“Nonsense. I guess I’ll just have to do this the old-fashioned way; with a thorough asskicking session.”
“RAVEHOUSE ATTACK!”
“Argh! My eyes.”
“Hey, Hiro. What’s with the ominous shadow at your feet?”
“I don’t know, but I guess it’s a good idea to move away from it.”
“And of course Lemina wouldn’t listen. Man, that looked like a serious moment of pain.”
“I… could… see… my house… from… up there.”
“OK, that’s the other hand taken care of.”
“There we go. Now, Lemina, could we please stay out of the shadow if it appears again?”
“Again, Hiro? Christ, do you have a phobia against enemies with limbs?”
“Yeah. I mean… that cosmic piledriver kind of hurt, but that was taking it a bit far.”
“Guys, he wants to destroy us all and recreate this world. Are we going to defeat him or what?”
“AAARGH! You won AGAIN! This isn’t faaaaiiiiir…”
“And that’s that. Lucia, you can come down now. And you don’t need to squint anymore either. The bad man is gone.”
“Man?”
“Yeah, well…. sorta.”
“Lucia!”
“Urgh! I’m just tired. Once we’re safe, I’m going to sleep for a LOOOONG time.”
“Um… OK, that wasn’t like a very bad foreboding or anything.”
“YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SLEEP YET!”
“Er… Zophar… dude, you’re acting like a really sore loser. You lost. Deal with it.”
“I’LL BE AS MUCH OF A SORE LOSER AS I WANT TO, DAMN YOU!”
“OK, fine…. just… just turn on the lights already.”
“Heeey, it’s the severed head formerly known as Zophar. So, what’s up, buddy?”
“YOUR DEATH! I may be far, far weaker now than I was before you kicked my ass, but I’m going to posture anyway.”
*yawn*
“Taste my impotent rage of boomerang lasers.”
“Wow, that almost tickled.”
“Here, Hiro. Let me boost you.”
“Um… Lucia, that’s kind of an overkill, you know. It’s not like he can damage us or anything.”
“Yeah, but that idiot got me chasing all over Lunar on all kinds of ridiculous fetch quests, before making me betray my friends and dragging out this moment more than necessary. I want him to SUFFER!”
“Yeesh, Lucia. Remind me never to make you mad.”
“Whatever. Prepare the final coop attack!”
“Wow. Poe Sword and Plasma Rain, together at last. How does THAT feel, Zophar?”
“It kind of hurts, actually.”
“NOOOO! I HAVE BEEN DEFEATED AGAIN! THIS CANNOT BE! I AM ZOPHAR, MASTER OF ALL EVIL AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH….”
“Oh great, now he’s imitating Leo.”
“BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…”
“….this is going to take a while, isn’t it?”
“Only until he’s done exploding, I guess.”
“Hiro!”
“Lucia!”
“You…. look like crap!”
“You too, Lucia. You too.”
“Awww.”
Amazing. Against all odds, our friends made it. They defeated the evil threatening Lunar when nobody else would stand against him. Five people did what several more might have done easily. That’s the spirit of RPG, and our heroes are now ready to reap the rewards. Sweet, sweet times ahead for all. HUZZAH! HUZZAH for our friends who went through a lot to get where they are today. HUZZAH for our friends, who defeated the fruitiest villain to ever hit these shores. And now….
“Alright, my friends. We’ve defeated evil and saved the world. So, what are you going to do now?”
“We’re going to….”
“…Vane?”
“Good choice!”