Chapter 16: The revengers of vengeance.
*sigh* “Well, I feel blue. And I don’t think even MySpace can help me now.”
“Um… Hiro, I don’t think it’s quite THAT bad. I mean… yeah, Zophar pretty much kicked our asses from there to here, but…”
“Oh, woe is me.”
” ‘Maniac’, huh? Yeah, I guess that’s one way to describe a giant schlong dangling down from the sky and shooting lasers all over the place.”
“C’mon, Hiro. I think it’s high time we got your spirits back up somehow.”
“And you thought rifling through Lemina’s diary was the way to go about it?”
“Well, um… yeah. See? She’s still being optimistic about this. Cautiously optimistic, perhaps, but still…”
“Why don’t we check how optimistic she will be once she knows we’ve been reading her diary.”
“Let’s…. not do that.”
“You what? Why didn’t you ask me to kill Zophar by tickling him to death while you were at it? The stares she’s been giving him has hardly been ones of adoration.”
“I know it’ll be hard, but it can certainly be done.”
“Honestly, I think she’s looking more forward to going up against Zophar without her magic powers than that.”
“You do know I can hear everything you say, right?”
“More like a heart of Black Dragon Diamonds.”
“Mined by the sweaty and blistered hands of children.”
“Yes, yes, but BESIDES that…”
“Lady, you scare me sometimes.”
*cough*
“Oh, there’s quite a few more differences than the magic powers.”
“Even now.”
“Ouch!”
“Anyway, let’s go out and find the others.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure he’ll be taking care of us soon enough, so it’s not an issue of whether we’re trying or not.”
“He’s basically taken that decision out of our hands.”
“See? Now that’s quite a bit more optimistic.”
“Isn’t it? People here don’t quite seem to get the hang of it, though. Maybe we ought to throw the book at them… literally.”
“Let’s hear it for the gamblin’ man.”
“You know it, and I’m ready to gamble our futures in a big way.”
“And Ruby, you’re a great big… um, pain.”
“What was that?”
“I meant a great big Dragon. Yeah, that’s it.”
“Well, anyway, it sounds like a plan, so let’s go find the others.”
“Oooo-kaay, thanks lady.”
“Mental Note: Do not ask the crazy lady in the corner for directions. She wants certain…. favors… in return.”
*shudder*
“Oh, come on! That’s a horrible joke.”
“Besides, judging by what I’ve heard about that guy, he looks anything but.”
“Someone ought to introduce him to the great Spankstress wandering around this place.”
“Hey, Jean. What are you doing?”
“I’m in the middle of practice. I asked Lunn to be my punching bag for a while.”
“Um… this city has been closed off, so how did Lunn know to come here?”
“I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if six sad wankers had-..”
“OK, hold that joke right there, or I’ll be forced to charge you with blatant overuse of overused joke.”
“And that’s because lying in a corner, whimpering, has never been known as an effective combat strategy.”
“As if.”
“Someone ought to tell that to the residents of this city.”
“Well, it looks like Jean and Lunn have this one well in hand. We should check on Lemina. I’m sure she’s got a plan on how to profit on this.”
“Why don’t you go and ask Borgan?”
“Hee hee. Thanks, I needed that joke.”
“How are you holding up?”
“That wasn’t QUITE what I was asking for, but…”
“Oh! Oh yeah, I’m doing swell. I mean… you guys at least have your fighting skills.”
“Except Ronfar.”
“Heh! Yeah, except Ronfar. But even so, I feel quite useless here.”
“Yeah, you do that. We were kind of just checking by anyway.”
“Oh, could you do me a favor, Hiro? Just make sure Borgan isn’t doing anything to my mother that I can’t punish him severely for right now due to lack of said magic. Could you do that for me?”
“Sure thing, Lemina.”
“You say it like it was a long time ago. Which it wasn’t.”
“Yeah, well, I guess I can still compete with Vane in the ‘stranded magical cities that aren’t flying anymore’ contest. Neo-Vane still isn’t as run down as this place, even if it DID crash.”
“Neo-Vane wasn’t shot down by gigantic lasers. It fell because you failed.”
“Which is why it’s more than a bit ironic that the first thing you did after coming here was to go to the roof and throw yourself a gigantic pity-party.”
“Hush now. For being one who has always kept things simple and straightforward, you can sure complicate matters when there’s no need to do that.”
“The roof? Who’s there now, just after I left?”
“Someone startingly similar to you in a lot of ways. And even if you don’t feel confident yet, the two of you can at least throw a pity-party together. Just think how much fun THAT will be.”
“Oh, alright.”
“HIRO! I came to this place because I heard it was a great spot for people who are feeling sorry for themselves. However, as things stand, there is no time for stuff like that.”
“…which everyone has been trying to tell you.”
“…..”
“…but I’m certainly fit for fight right now.”
“And Althena’s Guard usually served large helpings of whoop-ass to everyone whom we deemed deserving. So it’s a bit ironic that you eventually helped me to a generous helping of the same in return. So now I want to return the favor by serving you.”
“Thanks… I think. Hiro, did you have any idea what he was saying?”
“….no.”
“In a very metaphorical way, of course. Because if I was dead, I could not stand here before you.”
“Yeah, we kind of figured that out for ourselves.”
“Right! Anyway…”
“Don’t tell me you plan on breaking out that stupid mask again?”
“Um… what?”
“Yeah, you know… the one that Mystere used.”
“Oh! Um… no, I don’t think Mystere will be joining this fight. He’s… uh, busy elsewhere, or so I heard. You know, fighting for justice and… um…”
“Truth?”
“Yeah, truth. So… uh, you’re going to have to make do with me, I’m afraid.” *cough* “Anyway, Mys-.. uh, I mean… White Crusader Leo away, exit stage right.”
“Christ, Hiro! Isn’t it about time you dropped out of that funk? We’ve got things to do.”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
“Gah! Who’s there?”
“Hey, Ghaleon. Did someone forget to tell you that the big shoulder look is out?”
“Oh, quiet, you. I’ll need all the protection I can get when I’m going up against a massive assault of whine, and you’ve got more than enough for both my shoulders.”
“Touche. So, what’s the story, mourning glory?”
“Why, death and murder. What else?”
“Loudly and obnoxiously, but bravely. That’s a nice middle road, isn’t it?”
“Oh, take a number and shove it. What did you do to Lucia?”
“Me? I’ve done nothing. As you probably already know, Zophar took her from your feeble grasp and imprisoned her, and what do you do? Stand around on the whiniest spot in Vane for hours on end.”
“You! You give her back, or else?”
“Or else what? You gonna cry on my shoulder? You’re magicless, spiritless and basically just hopeless. I’d love to stick around, but I’ve got places to go and people to massacre. Ta ta.”
“Can we please try without the whole ‘dying’ part? I hear it’s so… permanent when you don’t know ancient evils that might take interest in recruiting you to their grand scemes.”
“Yeah, sure. Why not?”
“Um.. I kind of asked for the GOOD news first.”
“That WAS the good news.”
“…I want to go home.”
“Erm… did someone ever tell you that you’ve got a weird taste in people to feel sympathy for. Who’s next? Zophar?”
“Well, I’m sure he feels just AWFUL deep insi-..”
“HOLD that thought right there. I certainly don’t need to hear the end of it.”
“Ooooh-kaaay, at least someone is optimistic about our chances.”
“Let’s just go outside and get this over with. Plot twists wait for no man, woman or dragon.”
“Or put your right foot in and put your right foot out. You put the right foot in and you shake it all about.”
“Yeah! It’s about time SOMEONE went Hokey-Pokey on your ass.”
“It’s about time someone did WHAT?!”
“Er… I mean, um… can we please forget I ever said that?”
“With pleasure.”
“Anyway, as I was about to say…”
“And… you know, despite pretty much owning everyone in every fight we’ve seen you in, I’m sure this time it’ll be different.”
“I ate a great deal of cereal this morning, so I certainly have a lot of fi-..”
“You’ve done that joke already!”
“Um… what?”
“For pete’s sake, haven’t you read ‘the missing dialogue’?”
“..not really. What’s that?”
“It’s… oh, never mind that now. We’ve got more pressing matters to attend to.”
“Twister?”
“What? No!”
“Larpa Hold ’em?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Street Fighter 2?”
“Guys, guys. Figuratively! Please don’t take everything I say literally.”
“Monopoly?”
“Aaargh! You morons! I wish someone would just end this stupidity.”
*blink* “Um… I’m kind of torn on whether to thank you or pee myself. Maybe I’ll do both.”
“You’re welcome.”
“H-hold on a second. W-we’re not quite d-down yet.”
“As soon as I st-stop shaking from t-that electrical discharge, I’m g-going to give you an asswhuppin’ you won’t soon forget.”
“Urgh! Someone stop the world from spinning before I throw up.”
“Ack! Stay away from me if you’re going to do that.”
“Do you need a moment to gather the shattered remains of your dignity? Because as much as I’d like to just lightning bomb you to oblivion again, I’m kind of jonesing for a battle for no particular reason right about now.”
“D-don’t hold back on our accord.”
“Thunder! Thunder! THUNDERCATS HOOOO!”
“Oh, thank God he’s just being a geek. I was afraid he’d do that ‘lightning one-second elimination’ move again.”
“Well, fun’s over, I guess. Time to rumble.”
“Given our situation, I guess there’s just one thing we can do.”
“GANG BEATINGS!”
“Um… guys?”
“AHGACKACKACK!”
“Fools. Did you think keeping Lemina in the back would make her safe?”
“That was the general idea. Oh well, time to apply the SECRET WEAPON!”
“DORIYAAAAAAAA!”
“Hiro, what the hell?”
“It’s my secret move. Yell as loud as you can, and our magic powers should return.”
“Hiro, what in the world possessed you to think that would actually…”
“…work. Wait, what? It did? Oh Christ, I don’t know what to believe in anymore.”
“Yeah. I’m happy to have points in my MP and all, but that just made me feel all the dirtier for it.”
“Well, I guess there’s no point in holding back, then.”
“Wow, I just transcended into a whole new realm of searing, agonizing pain.”
“Just LOOKING at that hurt.”
“I… I can’t feel my legs anymore, and I really need them to attack.”
“And if you thought THAT was painful, just wait and see what else I’ve got in store for you.”
“The WHAT blade?”
“I guess it just goes to show that there is no way to spell or pronounce that without it sounding like a cussword.”
“I guess it only goes to show we’re in deep… well, you know.”
“Not going there, Lemina.”
“Well, whaddya know. I lost.”
“Wait, what? Um… that does not compute.”
“You’re right. I totally let you win, of course.”
“Wowza. It’s almost like you weren’t really evil after all. Who knew?”
“So, what now?”
“Well, I could always just go into a long monologue about what I’ve been doing over these last few years. People always get to finish their death speeches before dying, right? Got to make it last.”
“Please, no!”
“Aw, you’re no fun.”
“Cool! Say, can I do the… uh, ‘you-know-what’ blade move with it?”
“No!”
“Aw, poopie.”
“Anyway, could you please hang around and keep dying while we go around and say our farewells to people? Nice, thanks.”
“…OK? Well, I’ll be here, if you need me… dying. Take your time, children. I can stand like this for hours, if need be.”
“He’s such a sweet guy.”
“Oops, I think I felt something rupture. Was that my pancreas? Yeah, definitely.”
“Hmm, looks like it’s been blocked. Guess we won’t be leaving before everything is said and done.”
“Yeaaah, we kind of knew that the moment we met her. Or at least very shortly afterwards.”
“FAVORITISM!”
“Yeesh, Ruby. No reason to be sore about it. And planets don’t usually come cube-shaped.”
“Details, details.”
“Ohoho! Redneck jokes. How cute.”
“Yeah, it’s not like they went out of style together with the big book ‘o blonde jokes or anything.”
“Hmm. We COULD go and talk to Ghaleon now, buuuuut let’s go and chat with Miria and Borgan instead.”
“Ugh! Why does that sound like a good idea and a bad idea at the same time?”
“Don’t worry about me. I think I’ve still got some blood left in me. And at least one functioning kidney.”
“That’s nice, Miria. You think you could have filled us in BEFORE we filled our collective pants?”
“Yeah, I bet you are. I guess there’s at least one upside if Zophar wins; you won’t be around to ogle my mom.”
“Well, that was a waste of time. Let’s just go to Ghaleon again, so we can move on.”
“We can’t? Rats. I guess the quest to save the world is off, then.”
“You weren’t supposed to take me THAT literally, you dope.”
“Really? Hmm, and it worked so well on just about everything else.”
“Uh oh. I’m NOT liking where this is going.”
“I KNEW it!”
“You might want to reconsider that.”
“Nope. We will definitely find another way.”
“Yeah, well, take your time. It’s not like I’m dying here or anything. Oh, wait. I am.”
“Har har. Well, I think we’ll be going with the ‘stab him and throw spells on him’ idea anyway.”
“Don’t forget the punches and the kicks.”
“Oh, pfft. Who died and made you the Magic Emperor?”
“Oh, fine. Go and get yourselves killed. See if I care.”
“Well, I’ve got me my dice and my favorite twig to chew on, so I reckon I’m ready for anything.”
“And I’ve got… hey, are you staring at my chest? Well, you better stop it, or I’ll punch your lights out.”
“And hey, maybe I’ll just drag Borgan up there and throw him at Zophar. That ought to be a one-hit kill shot…. except I’ll probably be the one who has to carry him up there. Urgh! Not a pleasant thought.”
“Anyway, do not sell us short, Ghaleon, because we’re perfectly able to do that ourselves. No, wait, that came out wrong. Anyway, blah blah blah blather blah blah…”
“I don’t think I can survive this for very long.”
“Well, hey… if everything else fails, I could always defeat him with the power of cute. Wink wink?”
“Blah blah blah valor and courage blah blah blah blah destiny…”
“Can I just die now, please?”
“Well, alright, I guess there’s nothing more that needs to be said. Now, get a move on, you lot. Double-time. HUT HUT HUT!”
“Yikes. Yes, sir!”
“All aboard the doom express.”
“Full steam ahead.”
“There goes a nice boat.”
“Well, I guess that’s it for me. Ah well, it was a good run.”
And so we leave our friends yet again on the threshold of doom. Who knows what odds they will face once they reach Zophar’s domain. One thing’s for sure, though; the fate of the world will be decided…. VERY SOON!”
“Um… I think we’re lost.”
“D’OH!”