Chapter 15: There and back again, now with 100% more evil.
“Well, not really. Unless, for some boneheaded reason, you chug his blood or something.”
“Althena’s Cult frat parties must be pretty interesting affairs.”
“Chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it….”
“Aaaaaanyway, we should probably go, so…”
“I do so love your farewells. They’re so… I dunno… SUGARY or something.”
*sigh* “Well, back on the boat. Is there anything to eat here?”
“Sure. We’ve got some spare Seagull beaks lying around, I believe. And if that doesn’t tickle your taste buds, then there’s some Snail Rolls in the fridge, along with a few servings of Hargle Beans. I hear that go well with Toad Juice.”
“Wow. I’m not hungry anymore, and I didn’t even eat anything. If anyone needs me, I’ll be on the deck, leaning over the railing and throwing up.”
“OK, we’ve reached… whatever the hell that town was called… so now we just need to head north until we reach Dalton, then head east.”
“I don’t remember the name of that town either. It’s THAT bland.”
“I think we spent more time sneaking around on the Destiny and beating up Leo’s guards than in that town, so that’s perfectly understandable.”
“We are SO lost.”
“Are not!”
“Yeah? Then tell me which way is North, smartass.”
“Upwards, duh!”
“Um… it doesn’t work like that, Hiro.”
“Yes, it does!”
“OK, whatever.”
“See? Here’s Dalton. Just like I planned.”
“Fine! I’m sorry I ever worried about this.”
“Are we there yet?”
“Don’t you start with this again.”
“Yep. That’s the path, alright.”
“You really like to rub it in, you jerk!”
“YOU were the one starting it.”
“Yeah, well, given the time it took you to find the Red Dragon cave, can you blame me?”
“Hey, bonus loot waits for no man.”
“Oh, Pentagulia. How I wished to see you again.”
“I wonder if that fake-assed little tramp is still around.”
“Zopahr? Is that another evil you haven’t told us about? The dastardly duo of Zophar and Zopahr; here to break the world in twain.”
“This is no laughing matter, Ruby.”
“Picky picky. Give me a couple of minutes, and I’ll see what I can do about that.”
“And if that fails, there’s always real ultimate power. Ninja makes everything easy.”
“Trust you in what? Which results? How can someone so perpetually clueless sound like she knows so much?”
“Um, never mind. We’re here again, and that’s all that matters.”
“Here and back again, in a very roundabout fashion.”
“Well, let’s get this party on the road.”
“Well, every party needs a pooper, and I’m definitely here to poop on your party.”
“GHALEON!”
“That’s my name. Don’t wear it out by everyone saying it simultaneously.”
“Oh yeah? Well, I know YOUR plan.”
“You do? Oh crap, that’s not good. I’m afraid you have to be silenced. Lemina?”
“Forget it. I want to hear what he has to say. Villains always explain their plans, or have you forgotten?”
“There IS no big plan. He’s working for Zophar to bring this world to ruin.”
“Oh yeah? Well, what ARE your intentions?”
“This!”
“Hiro! NOOOO!”
“Well, I was going for you, Lucia, but this works in my favor too.”
“W-what do you have planned for me?”
“Oh, a little of this and a little of that….”
“NO WAI!”
“You…. you don’t know me!”
“HA HA HA! Besides, I like to hear myself laugh. Anyway, I just thought up an even more deliciously evil plan.”
“You… you can’t do this to me! I can’t… how dare you subject me to my own conscience? You’ll be hearing from my lawyers, you jerk!”
“Hey, I’m evil. Now, ask me if I care. Ta ta.”
“I’ve heard that people who can change humans into corpses is more effective in the long run. Less chance of them returning to wreak havoc on your evil plans. Anyway, Lucia…”
“But that would mean missing out on some primo angsting opportunities.”
“Gah! Who cares about that?”
“Well, a 1000000 hits since I started it can’t be wrong.”
“Can’t buy me love, huh? Still not convinced, though.”
“…KHAAAAAAN!”
“Um… who?”
“Erm… nobody. Anyway, if… you don’t… do this… I’ll… continue… to talk… like… William… Shatner… for… the rest… of… the game.”
“You fiend. But even so… my mission.”
“Christ, don’t you start too.”
“Take your places, gentlemen, and place your bets. It’s a Shatn-off.”
“Well, that was kind of plan A. Enter Pentagulia, get Althena’s powers and deal with Zophar. World saved.”
“And then Zophar will revive and we all die. That’s MUCH better.”
“Since when did YOU become a queen of sarcasm?”
“But… the quest. Zophar. The world…”
“What do you mean ‘true love’? He took one look at my naked body and pretty much deactivated his brain from there.”
“True enough, but I think most normal people would eventually be fed up with all your BS and move on.”
“OK, fine! If just to shut you people up. If we return and Zophar has awakened, though, you’re getting SUCH an ‘I told you so’.”
“Look Lucia. There’s the town where you went and got yourself caught. And where Hiro and the rest came and rescued you. If not for that, your quest would already be lost.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m sure I would have thought of something.”
“And hey, there’s the town where Hiro drug your feverish ass so you could have your little curse lifted. Thanks to that, you didn’t end up as Death Worm chow.”
“….”
“And what’s that? Why, it’s the temple Hiro and I visited, where we found the eye jewel that granted you access to the Blue Spire. Again, thanks to that, you weren’t alone when Leo came along to blast everything to itty bitty pieces of blue.”
“OK, fine! I get it, so can we please shut up about this already?”
“Not yet. There’s still one post to go to before we head on to the Blue Spire.”
“Huh? What would that be? Wouldn’t it be best if we-… oh, no. No way. I am NOT going to be the one to break the bad news.”
“Oh yes, you will.”
“Stop pushing. I said I’d do it already. So stop it.”
“Oh, no you won’t. You’re not getting any chance to bail out of this one. I’m coming with you, and that’s that.”
“Bail out of what? What’s going on?”
“Well….”
“You better believe you will. We didn’t drag you out of this tower just so you could…”
“Gwyn, if it’s all the same, I’d rather not get this lecture a second time.”
“Well, that’s a damn shame, because I’m going to take the scolarly route and repeat myself until it sticks.”
“Wow, LOOK at that time. We really should be going now. We got a Blue Spire to catch and a self-sacrificing human to release. Besides, evil waits for no lectures.”
“This was all supposed to be so easy. Meet with Althena and whup Zophar’s ass. And yet I find myself running all over the place rescuing children, dragons and whatnot. Why me?”
“Not that you’re in a position to do anything at the moment, but hey… technicalities and all.”
“There weren’t a whole lot of them, but… crystal.”
“Alright, I get to walk in front of Ruby for a chance.”
“Whatever. Let’s just hurry, OK?”
“I expected this to be a chore, but the enemies in here are laughably easy.”
“No kidding. I could have beat them up by myself with my fists.”
“Well, um… it’s been a while since we went here last time. Lots of things have happened.”
“I’ll say.”
“This place is pretty… well, pretty.”
“Yeah. Who’s your gardener?”
“I don’t know. I just got here a few weeks ago.”
“That’s nice, but can we please get a move on? I’m getting tired of having to lug Hiro-in-a-crystal around.”
“Want to borrow my club?”
“…..”
“What? …oh, you meant THAT kind of seal. Um… never mind, then.”
“You are an evil, evil man.”
“Hey, I didn’t hear any complaints when we axed those Ice Pups, so you have no right to judge.”
“That’s… that’s different. They only looked cute, but then they opened their mouths. Ugh! Ever since then, I still have problems sleeping at night.”
“I bet that’s what’s written on your panties too.”
“Ronfar, you… you…”
“Ronfar, can you please keep your perverted mouth shut until we finish off Zophar? I don’t want to have to deal with more than one evil at a time.”
“So… what would happen if it eventually collected all of it?”
“Erm… well, the manual doesn’t say anything about that.”
“You’re kidding now, right?”
“Now, now. No more interruptions. We should release Hiro from the crystal.”
“Well, that seemed to work.”
“Hiro, stop lying around and get back to your feet. We’ve got work to do.”
“Ugh, just one more minute, Grandpa.”
“Yep, he’s back to his normal self.”
“Man, last I remember, some giant purple orb was flying towards me because I stepped in its path for some reason. Someone please remind me never to do that again.”
“I risk the future of the world in a gamble, and this is the thanks I get?”
“Sure, why not? Oh, and it would be totally ironic if Ghaleon came and repeated the whole crystal thing.”
“No jinxing our luck now.”
“Thanks for telling us what we already know.”
“Hey, it’s just a nice way for me to segue into going straight for Pentagulia. No need to drive all the way back on your own.”
“Wow, I didn’t think this city could be any more ominous than it already was. So… thanks, swirly black clouds, for proving me wrong.”
“So we were too late? Well, damn. OK, everyone. Time to go home. Game over, man. Game over.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Oh goodie. She’s going to say it.”
“DRAGONS OF ALTHENA! I SUMMON THEE TO… OPEN SESAME!”
“PARTY TIME!”
“WE’RE FIRIN’ OUR LAZORS!”
“Oh yeah, critical hit, baby.”
“The carnage… it’s so…. beautiful.”
“Oh yeah, that’s how to deal a proper asswhuppin’.”
“Hmm.”
“Alright, let’s go in there and kick some tail.”
“What?”
“Oops. I mean… oh, never mind.”
“Can anyone just take those powers? What kind of powers is that? And if that’s the case, why haven’t you just claimed them already.”
“Well, it’s because… um…”
“We can dwell on that later. Let’s just go in there and do what we must, because we can, for the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead.”
“But there’s no sense crying over every mistake-.”
“OK, stop that. This is not a sing-and-dance number.”
“Besides, we’re all out of cake.”
“The only ones who are going to hear any pleas are us, once we’ve taken care of you.”
“This… this cannot be.”
“Oh, it sure can… hey, wait.”
“Zophar! Master Zophar. I’m in a bit of a pinch here. Please help me out.”
“What the hell is she babbling ab-..whoa!”
“Zophar musta hit her with his ugly-stick, which is kind of ironic, considering what she wanted.”
“Who cares? It’s just another monster with too many goddamn limbs that we have to slay. So, let’s get to it.”
“OK, that’s that. Now for your legs.”
“Christ, Hiro. I mean… she was evil and all, but you’ve just got that sadistic streak that’s a mile wide.”
“Not to mention a thing for chopping off limbs.”
“Oh, I’m sure THAT won’t come back and bite you in the ass later or anything.”
“Yes, well… whatever. Let’s just get moving.”
“And just as I was wondering what kind of enemies we would be facing in this place. Looks like we’re in for quite some time with bad luck.”
“You don’t know the half of it.”
“What?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“Why, Nall. Fancy meeting you here. What’s up?”
“Nothing. This is the top floor, stupid!”
“Figure of speech, you numbskull.”
“Hoo boy, this’ll take a while.”
“Although if it’s anything like the battle we faced a long time ago, it can probably be summed up with ‘beat his ass to death with weapons and magic’.”
“Sounds like a good plan to me.”
“And what did you promise her? That you’d cut your hair and get a real job?”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Holy crap, is that Althena? Man, she’s just smokin’ hot!”
“…you’re just ignoring me, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Um, I…. kind of saw it.”
“And that’s why I’m leaving.”
“Alrighty. Back to staring at the hot girl.”
“Hello, everyone.”
“Hello, Althena.”
“I trust you are all doing well?”
“Yes, we’re fine.”
“Ah, good, good. Now, you all…. went, right?”
“We did.”
“That’s good. Because I don’t want to have to stop my explanation for… you know.”
“You won’t.”
“Good, good. Well, then… let’s get started.”
“Many, many years ago, the Blue Star was attacked by this gigantic dangling penis monster. It kind of drove the other inhabitants crazy with penis envy, so wars broke out over the smallest of things. Well, figuratively speaking.”
“To stop this nonsense, I brought over a few of the people to the Blue Star and made it possible to live there. For that, they were grateful. The end.”
“Wait, what? Is that it?”
“Well, no. But the rest of the story is kind of abridged, and doesn’t really have anything to do with Zophar. To cut it short; we fought Ghaleon, who wanted to let the Vile Tribe take over the world with a huge-ass mechanical tank. During that time, I fell in love and chose to become a human. That’s why I’m not really around anymore. Oh, and while I say ‘we’, it was really Alex and his friends, since I was basically under Ghaleon’s control.”
“But… but what about Zophar? How do we defeat him?”
“Oh, that. Well, I could go into a longwinded explanation, but it can basically be summed up with this: ‘Beat his ass to death with swords and magic’. Hey, it worked for us a thousand years ago.”
“Well, whaddya know. Nall was right.”
“But… but that can’t be right. I refuse to believe it!”
“Um… Lucia, you’re kind of killing the mood here.”
“And why did you go back to that outfit? After all that time we spent looking for something nice for you to wear.”
“Given the circumstances and my habit of not looking optimistically at things, I’m left with one choice.”
“And that is?”
“All your MP are belong to me.”
“Pwned again. Is this my lot in life?”
“Well, that did my male pride a lot of good.”
“Ack! I might not have been much of a magician, but I still needed those MP points.”
“You could at least have spared some of mine.”
“Well, I know I can’t stand right now.”
*groan*
“That’s just great. Enemies on the way down too, and all I can do is shoot this lousy bow.”
“Yeah, we heard you complain about that the first time.”
“So, what the hell do we do now?”
“I thought that was obvious enough; we get the hell out of here.”
“And fast. Holy crap!”
“…Penis monster.”
“With some pretty hairy balls.”
“Ew!”
“Oh God, one of those heads is coming our way. Step on it.”
“Look out! It’s preparing to…”
“…fire its lasers. Whoo.”
“Well… how dangerous can they be?”
“Eeep. Forget I ever asked.”
“I said: ‘FORGET I EVER ASKED’!”
“Oh no, what’s going to happen to us now?”
“That’s it. From now on; NO MORE QUESTIONS! This has got to stop.”
“So… where’s Lucia!”
“Goddamn it!”
“And she appeared. I was afraid of that.”
“So… now what?”
“AUGH!”
“Zophar! You will go no further.”
“Why, hello, Lucia. Long time no see. Been having fun in my absence?”
“What do you mean ‘fun’? If cursing me and making me trek all over this place to look for some worthless fake is your idea of fun, then feel free not to be doing me any favors.”
“The lambs, Lucia. What about the lambs?”
“What the hell are you talking about now, Zophar? You shall not confuse me with your inane ramblings when the fate of both worlds are at stake.”
“What am I talking about, Lucia? Why, if you want me to explain my plans, then you have to make your own plans known. Quid pro quo. I’m sure your teammates would just LOOOVE that, little lambs that they are.”
“You… you evil bastard!”
“Now then, why don’t we get to the crux of the matter? Would that be alright with you, Lucia dear?”
*in the meantime, on the Destiny*
“Wow! Zophar looked really menacing at first, but when watching him from the side like this, he looks really… uh…”
“Phallic?”
“Yeah.”
“Are there any problems, Lucia dear? Surely, you won’t have any problems with invoking Althena’s powers, right? After all, you have already claimed them.”
“Y-you… I’ll show you problems!”
“What’s the matter, my dear? Arm getting tired? Or did you just come to the realisation of what would happen if you unleashed your powers?”
“What’s Zophar’s dangly bits talking about?”
“Oh, nothing much. Only that if Lucia unleashes Althena’s powers, you’ll all be blown to nothingness. Bummer, huh?”
“You… you weren’t supposed to tell them!”
“That’s true. That was your job.”
“This was supposed to be so easy. Go down there, grab Althena’s powers and unleash it on Lunar. Why did I have to grow a conscience? Why?!”
“Ah, the benefits of evil; you don’t have to care about things like that. So, what is it going to be, Lucia dear?”
“I’ll show you what is going down!”
“Bright sparkly powers of ultimate destruction, rise and shine!”
“Uh oh. I think we’re in a bit of trouble.”
“Guh! How in the… what made you say THAT all of a sudden? As if that wasn’t obvious enough in the first place.”
“I… I can’t… charge my spirit bomb up enough.”
“Oh dear, it looks like you’re fading. Well, I think I’ve got something that might make your rage reawaken full force.”
“Hey, that thing is pointing at us.”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“Hey, I’m evil. I dare pretty much anything.”
“If I’m going crosseyed, it’s because I just wet myself.”
“Dammit, Ruby! Not when you’re sitting on my shoulder!”
“OH DEAR GOD IT’S GOING TO HIT AAAAAAH!”
“And I didn’t even get to see her naked.”
“Are… are we dead yet?”
“N-not quite…”
“Hmm. As I thought. One distraction was all it took. And now, you shall be mine.”
“NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!”
“Lucia has been kidnapped. By a… oh wow, that is a long… um, head.”
“Well, this is just going from bad to… well, bad. One of them wants to take Althena’s powers to use them to save Lunar by basically recreating it, and the other wants to take Althena’s powers to recreate Lunar.”
“Ironically enough, the results for everyone living here would be startingly similar regardless of who’s doing the restructuring job.”
“Can we please stop worrying over the consequences and come up with a plan on how to get out of this?”
“Get out? Now that I have Althena’s powers, there shall be no escape for you. Which it wouldn’t either way, but at least I’ll have more fun doing things my way.”
“Not… if… I have… anything… to say… about… it…”
“I… summon the spell of… delaying… the inevitable…”
“How droll, Lucia. But also; how fun for me. But for now…”
“There we go. A lair worthy of an all-consuming mastermind of evil. There’s only one thing missing…”
“…Myself!”
Oh no! What a fix our intrepid heroes have found themselves in. Betrayed by their ally from the Blue Star and robbed of all their magical powers, yet saved — at least temporarily — by the very same. Surely, if there is a God of irony, he is fond of twists like this. And so, the stage is set for the final showdown. And a tough journey that will be for all parties involved. Which, I guess, will still total five, once a replacement for Lucia has been found. For evil know no bounds.
“MOUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAAAHAHAHAHA…..”
Like I said…