Chapter 12: Shine on, you crazy diamond.
“Well, looks like these jagged rocks that used to block our way have somehow mysteriously cleared out. So now we can finally head south.”
“Nice. I just want to relax a while. Let me know when we get there.”
“Those are some steep cliffs.”
“Yeah. I better be careful driving this thing. There isn’t a garage for miles.”
“Kinda cool all the same, though.”
“Are we there yet?”
“No, not yet.”
“And now it’s getting all wavy and stuff.”
“Slow down, Hiro. Turn right… now left. Steady as she goes.”
“Backseat drivers are prohibited!”
“Are we there yet?”
“No.”
“Steady as she goes now.”
“I still think we should have taken that left by Alberqueque.”
“Ruby… there haven’t been any intersections, roundabouts, overpasses or side roads since we left the Dragon lair. Now be quiet.”
“Are we there yet?”
“No!”
“Well, this is taking a small eternity.”
“Does anyone have a deck of cards? I feel like playing Strip Poker with the girls. Or maybe I’ll invent the new game; Strip Dice.”
“Hoo boy!”
“Are we there yet?”
“No!”
“What’s with the ruckus, guys. Can’t a girl get some sleep around here?”
“Oh, nothing new. We’re still travelling down these roads, Ruby is still backseat driving and Ronfar is still saying stuff that make you go AAARGH!”
“Lovely.”
“Hey, I wasn’t…”
“Are we there yet?”
“NO, NO, NO, NO!”
“Um… actually… say, what’s that?”
“Whoa! What the hell is THAT?”
“I don’t believe it. It’s….”
“Monty Python’s Flying Circus?”
“What? No. Well… yes. Maybe. We’ll see.”
“Why wouldn’t you believe it. It’s what Borgan was telling us all about, you know.”
“Well, pardon me for just tuning him out when he starts calling me Poopsie and stuff. Listening to him jabber isn’t exactly one of my favorite things, you know.”
“Um… guys? What’s that thing doing now?”
“Oh great. What did they do now?”
“They reversed the ship’s polarity. Now we can’t get it to move because it’s been reversed. So we need to reverse the reversing to get things back on track.”
“Well, that ALMOST made sense.”
“Oh well, nothing to do but leg it, I guess.”
“Or wing it.”
“Oh, puns. How I missed those.”
“Even the bosses are fairly normal. It’s all your fault, Jean. The excitement and weirdness of these latest quests have made us set the bar higher than ever before.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Be careful everyone. There are more evil things than Orcs and Goblins in the dark corners of Lunar.”
“Yeah? Like what?”
“Forget I asked.”
“You were saying just outside here, Ruby?”
“Um… nothing. Yeesh!”
“I wonder how Nintendo feels about this.”
“…I think this is for you, Lucia.”
“Er… no, I don’t think that’s an actual letter…”
“Oh look. Light. We’re finally seeing the light at the end of THIS tunnel.”
“Not quite what I expected, this.”
“Er… guys, are you aware that there are walking bombs in these mines? They go boom when you fight them.”
“Did someone say ‘diamonds’?”
“No, Lemina. You heard wrong.”
“Well, when you try to gain access to a MAGIC school, they will judge your MAGIC profiency. Common sense and all that.”
“Um… I don’t think that was the point. Besides, weren’t there a whole lot of non-magical people in Vane?”
“Well, yeah… but…”
“Well, yeah, it does kind of look like a haven for zombies to come stumbling by in search of some snacks.”
“Oh, phooey. What are the odds of zombies being nearby?”
“Borgan, Borgan, he’s our man. If he can’t make this any more screwed up than this, then no-one can.”
“Ooh, he won’t have any time to screw things up once I’m done with him. I’m going to make him pay for making me run all over this planet when he’s the one who needs the exercise.”
“Oh noes. The CHILDREN are in peril again. That fiend.”
“Well, there’s only one thing to do in a situation like this. Hope someone else comes along and saves them.”
“Now, treasure on the other hand… that’s something worth risking your life for.”
“Amen, sistah!”
“And wouldn’t that be really embarrassing, Lemina, if it turns out you were owned by a complete noob in a magic duel?”
“Oh, quiet, you.”
“I mean… that would be the headline of the year. ‘JUNIOR PREMIER DEFEATED BY GROSSLY OVERWEIGHT NOBODY! HUMILIATION EXPECTED TO LAST UNTIL THE END OF TIME!”
“I try my best.”
“What are you sellin’, stranger?”
“Um… what’s with the weird accent, Ronfar?”
“I’ll buy that at a high price!”
“Guys… you’re weirding me out here.”
“Well, I feel pretty light on my feet.”
“We seem to be doing the Wile E Coyote. Imagine that.”
“Well, uh… I guess we’ll be seeing you guys later.”
“They were dumped into the mines. You WERE paying attention, weren’t you?”
“Why don’t we just enter and go find them? Since they fell down, it’s safe to assume they’re underneath this place, unless… uh oh.”
“What?”
“Well, assuming they aren’t just being unceremoniously dumped into the ocean below.”
“Ouch!”
“Now there’s a challenge for the ages.”
“Lemina; she never lets an opportunity get away.”
“Er… I’m not sure this place specializes in ‘forum trolls’. I guess you’re going to have to take your flamin’ antics somewhere else.”
“Now, now, Hiro. Don’t ruin this poor sap’s delusions of becoming Premier of teh Internets.”
“Lenny, Internet Hero Toughguy at your service.”
“I got something new for ya, stranger.”
“Christ, here we go again.”
“Don’t ya go and blaspheme in front of me, stranger.”
“OK, fine. Just… just stop with the stupid accents already.”
“See you around, Stranger.”
“That goes for you too!”
“Well, gee. I’ve yet to meet anyone who actually like the guy, so I don’t know where this fangroup is.”
“Yeah. Almost everyone around here seems to hate the guy. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”
“That’d be pretty insulting towards the beast, wouldn’t it? I know I’d hate to be compared to him.”
“Which you were. By your mother, no less.”
“Don’t remind me!”
“Yeesh! Another person who doesn’t exactly think the world of Borgan, and still lives here. Do you love wealth that much?”
“And by living here and using these facilities, you are encouraging this lifestyle. Why is this so hard to comprehend?”
“Christ, this place is a depressing nightmare. Absolutely no-one likes this place but those who haven’t been here.”
“I’m feeling a little blue myself.”
“See?”
“He wharfed the competition? Holy crap, that’s just disgusting.”
“He DWARFED the competition, Ruby. Much like he dwarfs pretty much everything.”
“Hee hee. Good one, Hiro.”
“Hmm. Well, I guess this might be the mines they’re talking about. Odd, though, that there’s a mine underneath a floating city. Aren’t they kind of dismantling the foundations of this city?”
“Hey, we’re talking about Borgan. Long-term plans? Nah, not his style, unless they involve eating somehow.”
“Uups, wrong turn. So, um… keep up the blistering and backbreaking work, OK?”
“Oh, wow, Hiro. You can be so masterfully tactless at times. That was almost beautiful.”
“Well, he’s pretty fly for-..”
“You’ve done that one already.”
“Oh, phooey.”
“It’s an Ice Robe. Why don’t you try this one, Lemina?”
“Well, because it’s made of… uh, ice?”
“Well, that just means Ronfar will be very happy to see you.”
“Hiro, are you trying to fill in while he’s away? If you are, then stop!”
“And speak of the devil…”
“Well, it wasn’t THAT far away. Barely a few minutes, including the fights.”
“And besides, why aren’t you trying to look for her? It’s not like this is a large mine, and there are no monsters or guards here.”
“Well, uh… I didn’t think about that.”
“Well, outside of dragging us all up here, that is. But never mind that.”
“Gee, isn’t THAT convenient? I guess we’ll be delving deeper into THIS mine.”
“Brilliant idea. Which way do you want to dig? To the transport pad or the bottom of this place, and a rather steep drop down to the ground?”
“But you are gifted in other ways, Jean. I mean… yowza.”
“And you are gifted in that other way — that ‘short bus’ variety.”
“Mmmm. The ‘hands-on’ treatment. I’d like me some of that.”
“Oh, I think that can be arranged.”
“Well, that is, you knew about the old Vane tradition of putting applicants through hell to see if they’re worthy, but hey…”
“And Jean hits below the belt. Which, in many other situations, wouldn’t normally be this effective, but still… ouch!”
“So I’ve heard.”
“Oh! …right.”
“Oh wow, that wasn’t the least bit hard on the ol’ conscience.”
“Who cares? It’s not like we weren’t going to kick Borgan where it really hurts anyway.”
“Yeah, I guess… still, that was kind of mean.”
“Well, gee, a secret entrance… or maybe an exit? Given how… *cough* …popular this guy is, it wouldn’t surprise me.”
“Jail cells: only for school teachers and common criminals.”
“And gee, why would Borgan need to throw his teacher in jail, I wonder?”
“Why, hello there, Poopsie. Your arrival is just delicious, and you look positively good enough to eat.”
Oh God, that was a horrible thing to say. Sweet Jesus, the images…”
“Still on your feet, eh? Well, then… engage the CLOSEUP CAM!”
“W-why won’t the bad man go away?”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
“I’m feeling a sensation that’s completely new to me…. and it’s HORRIBLE!”
“OK, OK… collect yourself, Lemina. You have a mission to do, so go to it. Be strong, Lemina. Be strong.”
“Well, we survived this, so I don’t really see what else you could throw at us that would hurt more than this. Unless you plan on literally throwing yourself at us.”
“Hiro, if it’s alright, I think I’ll be flying a little bit higher up this fight.”
“My powers; let me show you them.”
“…you guys kind of look like an orchestra getting ready to play.”
“Lemina is down. Lemina! Is! Down!”
“His magic did piss-poor damage, but as soon as he threw himself at us and swung his flabby arms around, he did tremendous damage.”
“Figures. Anyway, Ronfar, how’s about resurrecting her?”
“OK, fine, fine. Here goes.”
“Ugh, that was an unpleasant thing to experience. Thanks for the save, guys.”
“Gotta give the guy some credit, though: he was the only one who didn’t give away his aura willingly.”
“Ew, he’s giggling over something.”
“Well, whatever floats his boat. We should go rescue your mother now, Lemina.”
“And then his boat surely won’t be floating anymore.”
“I think this is it. But man, this place is just genius. They make the walls absorbingly black and then expect candlelight to illuminate this place. It’s a failure on so many levels.”
“Well, in all honesty, you COULD always try escaping. You are the Premier of the Magic Guild, after all. Honestly!”
“Oh, shut up, Hiro. Stop ruining the moment.”
“*psst* Jean, you don’t suppose that Miria orchestrated all this to get Lemina off her ass and do something other than filching people out of their money by any chance?”
“Yeah, that sounds like a viable explanation for why she couldn’t just get out on her own.”
“It’s funny how things are always left up to the resident teenagers, huh?”
“True that.”
“But why?”
“Because my powers held it up. And now that I don’t have my powers anymore, it’s falling.”
“Then how did you hold it afloat when you were in Vane? Or Pentagulia?”
“Well, uh…. a Wizard did it.”
“That is the dumbest answer in the history of forever.”
“Oh God, work with Borgan or let hundreds of innocents die. You’re not giving me an easy choice here.”
“Ouch.”
“Don’t worry about it, Lemina. I can take care of this little problem. You know, since I’m mysterious and all. And not human.”
“No, your lazy attitude ruined you. We just hastened your ultimate demise.”
“And man, did it ever feel good.”
“Double-ouch.”
“Well, you know, barring the fact that you put children to work themselves to death in the mines and created an elitist apartheid hell…. yeah, let’s just forget that ever happened.”
“Gee, that’s mighty generous of you. So…”
“Nice. Let’s go free ourselves a dragon.”
“I wonder what this one will look like.”
“Oh, we’ll be working you to the bone, don’t you worry about that. Oh, and one more thing…”
“And here come the food-related expressions again. We really missed those.”
“And the crowd goes wild.”
“Still makes me wonder how this place even got off the ground, both physically and metaphorically.”
“Let’s go back to Zaback and share the good news.”
“Well, I guess we’re going to have to remind his father to instill the same cautious parentage as grandpa Gwyn. Because man, if this kid does even half the crazy stuff we’ve done, Hiro, then we might be in trouble just for inspiring this.”
“And by ‘former glory’, they mean ‘before the big dude came and hogged all the good stuff’.”
“Purple walls? Who’s the dragon fiend this time? Barney?”
“Well, if that’s the case, then I guess it’s a good thing we borrowed that book in Vane.”
“But, in the meantime; zombies and weird umbrella fish.”
“Well, what do you know? There really were zombies around. I guess that guy’s fears weren’t completely unfounded after all.”
“Welcome to the dark side… I guess.”
“Except for those really bright portals. I hope this isn’t going the way I hope it will.”
“Gah! I knew it! This is just like waking up when it’s dark outside, and then going to the bathroom and turning on the light. Searing pain all around the eyeballs.”
“And leaps of faith? I don’t like the sound of that.”
“Wowza! Did Space Godzilla drop by for a visit?”
“Good thing we didn’t have to take a leap of faith over this place.”
“Those ‘crystal healer’ people in Vane would have a field day in this place.”
“Well, that is definitely NOT Barney.”
“Damn!”
“I hate to admit it, but that fiend just looks awesome.”
“Bad to the bone.”
*sigh* “Oh well, it’s standing in our way, so down it has to go. Well, back to work.”
“Welcome, my friends. You look… kind of disappointed.”
“Um… it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“You read my MySpace page?”
“What’s MySpace?”
“One of the things she KNOWS what is, which is kind of amazing in itself. You wouldn’t BELIEVE some of the ‘what is this’ questions we’ve received on this journey.”
“Yeah, well… don’t make things too easy for us by letting us prepare in advance or anything.”
“And make a hefty donation by the gate as you leave.”
“Why the hell do YOU need donations? Your lair is made up of 90% bling and shine.”
“Well, they don’t polish themselves, you know.”
“…..”
“And he just leaves. Well, that’s just great.”
“This was definitely the least satisfying dragon catch-and-release program I’ve participated in.”
“Well, you should be. You’re going to put on weight like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Oh, shut up! That’s not what I’m worried about.”
“Oh, that’s right. You’re going to be very large… and VERY pink. Yeah, now I get it.”
*sigh*
“Oh well, back to the ship. We’ll drop by Zaback once before we leave for warmer pastures.”
“Agh! And I left my dancer costume back in Horam. I should have brought that for the red dragon’s lair.”
“Well, too late for that now.”
Alas, this is where we leave our friends again. The saving of the dragons has passed by faster than anyone could have expected, and even now — on the doorstep of the last of the dragons — the anticipation is in the air.
“Well, hey… what do you know. That looks like Lion’s Head. Who’s up for some extracurricular treasure hunting.”
“ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!”
“Sure, a few extra treasures along the way will probably be of help on our quest.”
“Yep. I’m feelin’ lucky, so I’m for it.”
“Well… I’m sure a few side quests won’t do any harm.”
“Oh, sure, once it’s MY powers that’s about to be released, you guys find other things to do. You jerks!”