Chapter 11: The ChuckNorrification of Jean.
“We’re closing in on Horam, everyone. You prepare to hit the town?”
“I’m just glad we got out of the damn white dragon lair. Any longer in there, and I would probably look like Madonna in Concert.”
“Anyway, Hiro, was that a pun there? ‘Hit the town’? You DO know what kind of town it is, right?”
“I’ve got a… vague idea.”
“Hmm. There’s nothing I can wear here, if you’ll excuse the well-worn line. Time for plan B, I guess.”
“B? No, I’d say that’s at LEAST a C, if not even a D. No need to be shy about it, Jean.”
*groan* “The sooner I get out of these clothes, the better.”
“Oh HELL yeah. I like the way you think, girl.”
“AAARGH! No… I meant… gah! Why the hell am I even trying to make you understand when a foot to the back of the head will do the trick much easier.”
“Getting drunk? That’s your plan B?”
“Jean, your mouth keeps saying no, but your actions keep saying yes.”
“And what does the foot say, Ronfar. Listen closely.”
“I’m not sure what you mea-..*OOF*”
*sigh* “He never learns.”
“Actually, we were just looking around, but now that you mention it…”
“Ruby, you’re a dragon. You don’t really have the right to lecture someone about their breath.”
“But when it comes to the art of opening one’s big mouth, you’ve got us all beat hands down.”
“It’s the ancient art of ‘Shai-Kiur-Botai’.”
“The art of what?”
“Here we go again.”
“And Ronfar here is a master of the art of ‘speak before you think’. It’s recognized by the style of putting one’s own foot in one’s mouth quickly followed by someone else’s.”
“Anyway, new threads… please excuse me while I raid your wardrobe.”
“First, some arm protectors for no particular reason.”
“Then, I make like Rambo and tie on a bandanna of sorts. No real reason except it looking badass.”
“And finally, the karate outfit itself, which, aside from eliminating the whole ‘not showing everyone my panties when doing high kicks’ problem, will make my chest look bigger if I just tie this belt around my waist. Ooh, hot mama.”
“And that’s that. Thanks for waiting, guys.”
“Man, that getup DOES make your chest look bigger. I approve.”
“And it makes kicking your teeth in so much easier. Watch!”
“Jean, I think they call that ‘Capoeira’.”
“Um, what?”
“Well, we got ourselves an invitation. Let’s go make the best of it now, OK?”
“I’m assuming this is it? Christ, everything’s through cave opening these days, even though they’re basically open areas. What’s up with that?”
“Why are you looking at me? How should I know?”
“Well, you ARE our resident smartypants.”
“And speaking of smart, here’s something that’ll do just that.”
“Y’know, after the monstrosities in Vane’s underground cave, the Nipple yankers, the floating dolls…”
“And don’t forget those Ice Puppies.”
“…and yes, the Ice Pups… after all those, I don’t think anything here can surprise us.”
“Does that have anything to do with playing videogames with blocky 3D graphics by any chance?”
“Riiiight. Excuse me while I go over here to chuckle derisively.”
“You can beat the snot out of me any day, ladies.”
“That would actually be satisfying in more ways than one.”
“Et tu, Hiro.”
“Yyyyeah, I’m not holding my breath waiting for that to happen.”
“Hey, I ain’t touching that one. Sorry, but no.”
“Aww, you’re no fun.”
“Not to worry. I’ve been training to ignore anything stupid instead of laughing in their faces.”
“Well, don’t worry your hooded little heads about it. Even though I’ve generally not practiced any karate for years and years, I’m sure I can’ beat you senseless anyway.”
“Christ! Here we go with the children again. Look, we’re fighting already. No need for all this guilt-tripping stuff in case we’d refuse.”
“I said STOP IT!”
“Well, I guess we have to go do what you kids hate to so you won’t have to do what you hate anymore.”
“Jean, are you sure you didn’t tie that belt a bit too tightly? Your brain needs oxygen, you know.”
“As ready as we’ll ever be, I guess. Or are there any sidequests left undone, which we can use to halt this tournament indefinitely?”
“Nah! Let’s just get this over with.”
“Well…”
*blink* “Hmm, that vote was certainly settled fast. Thanks for asking all the same, I guess.”
“And I’ll be more than happy to be the third wheel on this special occasion.”
“Well, Jean’s our team captain. What’s your point?”
“I just thought the male/female ratio needs to be more even.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, but last I checked, our full team consists of two males and four females. And you were the last one to join in. You didn’t hear us complaining about the uneven share then, did you?”
“Well, no, but….”
“Shut up, both of you.”
“Well, just to be FAIR; Lucia, you want to step in for me?”
“If Jean wants me to, I would. However, it would be beneficial for all of you to include the healer of the group. That makes you a better choice.”
“Now there’s some rational thinking.”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“Guys, are you done acting like idiots? We got a fight up here.”
“Sorry, my sweet. Coming.”
*shudder* “Don’t make me regret asking you.”
“Well, that was over as soon as it started. Real ultimate power, huh?”
“Well, they WERE ‘virtual’ ninja, whatever that means. Nothing beats the real thing.”
“Oh, I can vouch for that. HURHUR.”
“I hate you so much.”
“Oh God, they’re not gonna do what I think they’re gonna do, right?”
“Dear go-..oh, wait. They just broke their opponents spines. For a second there, I was getting worried.”
“Yeah. This surprise buttsecks thing is totally not my style.”
“Ronfar, for the sake of our sanities and future meals, please keep your innuendo out of this.”
“Oh, we got some proof to THAT just seconds ago.”
“Dammit! What did I just tell you?”
“You turn what out?”
“Here we go again.”
“Well, it’s time for our next fight.”
“Good grief! If I knew your fights would turn out this easy, I would have joined in.”
“Hmmmmmhmhmhmm.”
“Ronfar, I’m not sure I like that sudden gleam in your eyes. Care to share your train of thought with the rest of us?”
“Nope. That’s just between me and my bedtime fantasies.”
“Ugh, and I didn’t even ask.”
“Your dojo was dishonored because we didn’t throw the fight? Some dojo you have.”
“Whimper like a puppy.”
“Mewl like a kitty.”
“Squee like a little piggy.”
“And the dog goes ‘woof’….”
“Um… Lucia, that’s not quite right.”
“Well, they should be ashamed of themselves for treating girls equal to the boys in a karate tournament.”
“Even against those trying such a sad tactic as yours.”
“Well, you can say what you want, guys, but I DO find that disconcerting.”
“Uh… hello? Villains, remember?”
“Well, yeah, but….”
“Well, we’re up next. And even if it DID matter, I don’t think they’ll show us any more courtesy than these sad Sex and the City rejects here.”
“Besides, those costumes will just make my butt look big.”
“Jean, I’m going to stab myself in my head with the sword now. Will you guys be OK without me?”
“Don’t walk into the light, Hiro.”
“Not that they’ve actually KILLED anyone yet, though, but…”
“Yeah. Crippled, sure, but killed?”
“Well, here we go. Don’t let those ridiculous helmets take you off guard.”
“And victory is ours, thanks to the sweet science. I didn’t even have to use my rope-a-dope technique.”
“You can use your ‘rope-on-dope’ technique on me any day of the week, baby.”
“As much a dope as you are, I think I’ll decline now and forever.”
“Sure was. It lasted a full TWO rounds, even.”
“Oh, like your contribution to the fight was any more so. You just stood there and played with your ‘magical pair’.”
“That’s my trade. And it’s not my fault that it just kept refilling my MP.”
“No, I’m sure that was just Lady Luck trying to tell you to stop being a useless twit and try something else for a change.”
“Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father, did he?”
“Er… what?”
“He told me enough. He told me you killed him!”
“I don’t like where this is going.”
“No. I… am your father.”
“GTFO!”
“Search your feelings, Jean. You know it to be true.”
*cue HK Kung Fu movie zoom-in sound effect*
“Yeah, whatever. I’ll spend the time searching my feelings while I spend my time searching your body for a good place to slam my foot into.”
“That… was different.”
“HEY! That was NOT in the contract.”
“This is a karate tournament, you dope. Aside from the whole win or lose thing, there IS no contract. Or rules, for that matter.”
“Oh, poopie.”
“And wasn’t THAT just one letter from being a popular phrase from a certain someone you don’t exactly like a whole lot, Lemina.”
“…..”
“Yeah, whatever. Even if he did win, it’s not like we would go down quietly, you know.”
“Don’t worry, Jean. Even without you, we should be able to take this guy down if he tries anything.”
“Especially since you’ve softened him up first and all.”
“I am in agreement with the others.”
“Well, gee, thanks. That just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”
“Not to worry, Jean. I’m sure you’ll mop the floor with him.”
“That… actually felt like a real compliment. Good grief, but who thought that the drunken sailor would be the one to give the best pep talk. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.”
“But…. um, no pressure, hey?”
“Suit yourself, Jean. Looks like Lunn’s gonna haveta choke a bitch after all.”
“What’s with these crazy proportions?”
“Worry more about your other troubles, Jean. HIIIYAAA!”
“Ah, well, I guess there’s SOME advantages to this. Anyway, my turn.”
“VICTOLY!”
“Congratulations! You’re Winner!” *collapses*
“Only the toastmaster, Lunn. But when it comes to the art of Sweet Science™, I am the master.”
“Blah, blah, blah, blah! Can we get on to the important parts here?”
“Oh, yes.. of course.”
“I can always humble you some more if you don’t stop stalling.”
“Right, right.”
“Not that I really used it in the first place, but… you know.”
“Score! OK, let’s go.”
“Just a sec.”
“Aw, dangit!”
“Sure, sure, fine.”
“Jean?”
“Yes?”
“Jean?”
“Yes?!”
“Jean! Jean! JEANJEANJEANJEANJEANJEANJEAN!”
“Wha-..”
“Sorry. I just wanted to do that.”
“Let’s… let’s just go. These… these people are weirding me out.”
“Aw, the poor widdle baby.”
“I guess that means you lost the right to wear those retarded capes, huh?”
“Yeah, yeah. We’ll see you next year, pretenders.”
“OK, let’s pick up the pace, people. The sooner we leave, the better.”
“Seconded.”
“I wonder if we’ll be able to make it back to the ship befor-..oh, CRAP!”
“What the hell is that?”
“It’s a ‘maneater’. I guess that mean you girls are safe.”
“As tempting as it is to just leave you behind to deal with these, we’ve got a schedule to keep.”
“OK, let’s get this boat on the road.”
“Or the river?”
“Yeah, that works too.”
“Well, I guess we won’t go further down this way.”
“…yet!”
“What about that cave up there? Looks like a lair to me.”
“Alright, the mysterious cave it is.”
“Well, whaddya know. This is a temple. And a pretty watery one at that.”
“Gee, I wonder if we might find a dragon down here or something.”
“We’re being attacked from the rear by what?”
“They’re called… um, yeah… anyway, guard your posteriors, girls.”
“Oh, we’ve been doing that since the day we joined the party.”
“Oh man, there’s a water elemental in the group too. I guess they planned for a surprise mass wet wedgie attack or something.”
“Ew.”
“You’d think this water stream was dangerous or something, but no… you can just walk over it like it wasn’t there.”
“I know we keep saying this whenever we’re in weird places, but… what the hell is THAT?”
“It’s… um… it’s, ah… yeah, no idea.”
“Let’s just run along before the bad internet MEME comes along.”
“Gee, I have to say that this was less than subtle. Good thing this isn’t a videogame, or someone might have blamed it when people turn to the dark side.”
“My stars, but this place is just ginormous.”
“And what’s this? Fish in the water? Why, that’s just outrageously normal.”
“Did someone say fish?”
“We don’t have the TIME now, Ruby.”
“Aw, phooey.”
“I wonder who left the bathtub on? This place is flooded.”
“Water everywhere. And spikes.”
“Well, prepare to get all wet, Ruby, because here’s another doorway through the waterfall.”
“Aw man, if only Jean was still in her dancer’s outfit. That would have been awesome.”
“Next dragon fiend coming up, and it’s a really weird one.”
“It’s… a seal dragon fiend.”
“They call him Flipper, Flipper…”
“Ronfar, just because I forbade Hiro to do stupid songs didn’t mean that the task fell to you. So shut up!”
“Maybe it’s a Navy Seal.”
“But most importantly, it’s dead. Now, let’s go free the damn dragon already.”
“Oh yeah, that’s another dragon freed by team Hiro. And… hey, you don’t have feathers and fur at all. Are you sure you’re a dragon?”
“H-hey, that’s rude. And of course I don’t have any fur. I’m a water dragon. And besides, how strong a smell do you think a wet furry dragon would give off.”
*cough* “OK, yeah, I see your point.”
“So…. what’s up?”
“Zophar, huh? That IS bad news.”
“Which is why I’m looking for REAL ULTIMATE POWER so I can deal with him.”
“Um… Lucia, are you hiding something else? Which, incidentally, might have had something to do with your huge emo outburst when Leo took us to Pentagulia?”
“N-no, of course not. Everything’s just fine. Why do you ask, Hiro?”
“Ominous feelings, I cannot shake them.”
“Yeah. I’d hate to be helping this quest along if it would mean OUR VERY DESTRUCTION or something.”
*cough*
*whew* “Finally a distraction.”
“Did you say something, Lucia?”
“Nonono. Anyway, shouldn’t we be following his advice and head south?”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”
“Wait. Wait up, you dopes. Haven’t you forgotten something?”
“What would that b-.. ah HA. Sorry, yeah, we’re kind of new to this.”
“Well, with this, it’s two down, two to go. Good luck.”
And so, it is time once again to leave our heroes as they turn around to head back up to the Dragonship to dry off in the sun. The biggest dangers are still ahead, and evil creeps ever closer. This fact is not lost on any of them.
“Ruby, first we go outside, THEN we philosophize.”
“Well, excuuuuuse me!”