Chapter 9: Six flew over the cuckoos’ nests.
“Well, he pretty much beat the bladder control out of me, so yeah.”
“Do you HAVE to tell it in ways I do not want to hear about?”
“Big trouble? Nooooo, what made you think that?”
“Oh, quiet you. For all we know, that fake Althena might be hatching up a plan that makes prison rape feel like a light massage in comparison.”
“Point. But how do we get out of this place?”
“What the hell was that?”
“WHO the hell is that?”
“Oh oh oh oh… I won’t be getting anywhere alive if I’m dead from laughter, dammit! Aaahaahaha.”
“Hey, Leo…. did you just drop by from a Dame Edna special on TV or something?”
“Really? And you aren’t afraid that any minions of the fake Althena will look at you and then report you sounding something along the lines of ‘It’s Leo, and he’s wearing this dorky mask’? Because that sure as hell was the first thing that crossed my mind.”
“It’s not dorky! *ahem* Anyway….”
“And a master of ‘not being seen’ I hope?”
“Let’s just hope that the minions roaming these dungeons aren’t smarter than your average Daily Planet reporter.”
“Yes, indeed. How anyone could POSSIBLY recognize you now is just unthinkable.”
“Indeed, that disguise is so well done, you don’t even have to bother changing your voice around, because I’m sure there’s but lots of slightly pompous-sounding beastmen with blue hair and a horn on their forehead.”
“These looks familiar, except now they’re called ‘necro knights’ for some reason. I wonder what the explanation for that is?”
“You don’t wanna know, my friend in justice.”
“Althena statues with coin slots? How lame is THAT?!”
“Oh, wow. A necro knight and two assassins. Now there’s a partnership with side benefits I don’t want to go into.”
“Well, whatever. Let’s just hurry and get Ronfar out of there so we have a healer in our group again.”
“Well, it’s not like that’s the weirdest thing he’s ever done. Oh, the childhood tales I could tell….”
“Could, yes. Should, no!”
“Well, anyway, listen to this. It seems Mauri has gone completely psycho on me since last we met. Well, not counting the little outing in Dalton at any rate.”
“Well, that sure ain’t Christopher Cross. Wait, let me guess… ‘As I lie dying in a pool of my own blood’? Or is it one of those other emo bands?”
“Hey, I’m trying to be a villainess who’s having trouble containing the real and nice personality that’s trapped in her. Do you mind?”
“That’s fascinating, Ronfar. Please… do tell us more.”
“Do I detect sarcasm here, kitty?”
“Nonono.”
“Well, he’s pretty fly for a… uh, whatever the hell that is.”
“Fly me to the moon, big boy.”
“Now there’s a you-know-what in the ointment.”
“Verily, thy puns are the nectar of Zophar. I ask thee to stop.”
“Eugh! ‘Nectar of Zophar’. Now there’s a euphemism I never want to hear again.”
“But perhaps more importantly, why are the dungeons on the top floor of the towers instead of… oh, down in the DUNGEONS?! Is this some sort of ‘parade the criminals through all floors of the tower, so they can learn the lay of the land before making their escape’ deal?”
“Forsooth, it would seem this design may hold some flaws.”
“Stop talking like that.”
“The mask? Explanation, please?”
“Actually, forget I ever asked. Anyway, you remember that I went to see Borgan, right? Well, get a load of this…”
“Christ! Everything is food or eating related with you, isn’t it? And I don’t even know why that surprises me.”
“*harrumph* Rude as ever, I see. Anyway…”
“And then he basically knocked me unconscious with some odd spell.”
“‘Poopsie’? Seriously?”
“Yeah, it was ‘cupcake’ this and ‘lollipop’ that. I may never eat again.”
“*sigh* Down one tower and up the next. At least we only have Jean left to rescue.”
“And Lucia.”
“Yes, yes, yes. How could I forget her? Heaven knows we aren’t in enough trouble as it is.”
“It’s a shame I didn’t bring some of our costumes, then. You wouldn’t believe what kinds of crazy costumes we have in our caravan.”
“Oh, I’ll believe it. In fact, I’ve seen some of them already.”
“I’m actually going to forget I heard that, because I definitely didn’t forget about your little stunt there. Anyway…”
“Oh dear, here we go.”
“To put two and two together. To connect the dots. To get a full house in poker. To spank my magic monkey…”
“Eugh, stop that!”
“And I’m surely not the only one.”
“Are you trying to say that you were the evil cult leader all along?”
“For the love of… were the hints too subtle? The lair leading up to the dojo didn’t ring any bells? The similarities of the voice? I know I didn’t train you to think, but a lobotomized amoeba could have figured that out. You disappoint me, Jean. And after all I have done for you.”
“After all you have done… for me?”
“Yes, well….”
“That sort of thing comes with this line of work, you know.”
“In other words, shut the hell up, Jean! Christ, did someone buy you a ticket for the waaaaahgon on the Emoriental Express?”
“Don’t tell me to shut up. What do you know about pain?”
“Plenty, as you’re about to find out.”
“Because hard decisions calls for hard solutions, and here are two hardasses ready to step in and take charge. I call them ‘lefty’ and ‘righty’.”
“Oh, come on. Are you trying to make me die of laughter here?”
“So you basically insulted him and then got your ass handed to you. Exactly what happened to Hiro as well.”
“C’mon, Ruby….”
“Yes, Mystere. Go take those glasses off now. You’ve earned it.”
“I’m sure there’s a telephone booth just downstairs or something.”
“Really now. How did you manage that, I wonder?”
“I find it amazing that anyone could see anything through that ugly mask.”
“I believe we figured that out aeons ago, and we didn’t even live here. And there you go, calling Lucia evil again.”
“No, I mean… Lucia is captured and… uh, there is an evil here. Yes, totally unrelated, really.”
“Well, I believe we should go downstairs and check the area for these conveniently convenient secret entrances that seem to be everywhere.”
“I believe you are right.”
“I believe this is the throne room.”
“Enough, already.”
“I believe you are right.”
“Dead joke is dead, Ronfar. Let it go.”
“Why in blazes is there a secret tunnel between the meeting hall and the dungeons? Wouldn’t it be more convenient if it actually lead… y’know… outside?”
“Hey, don’t ask me. I didn’t build the damn thing.”
“I wonder how Lucia is doing.”
“Proof enough for what? That you’re an idiot?”
“No, that I’m the Goddess, you harridan.”
“Nice argument, dipwad. You must be the star pupil at Stupid Bimbo High.”
“Hey, I’m not the one hanging around having her powers drained. Who’s the sore loser now?”
“You’re both idiots.”
“Um… Leo, that’s what we’ve been saying all the time. Nice that you’re finally with us here.”
“Not for long. Since we found Lucia, I’ll be needing to run off, since you can’t run a party with six characters.”
“But… but we got to control you and all. Even when you wore that dorky mask.”
“Anyway, how’s that for plot progression? What’s the matter? You quaking in your boots yet?”
“That’s what you think, you dummy. Hiro’s going to come rescue me soon, though, since he’s my little boytoy.”
“…..”
“Anyway, isn’t it time for you to leave soon? I can’t make my escape with you standing around.”
“Yeah, yeah….”
“We can.”
“That’s it! I’m so leaving you behind now.”
“Hiro…. he came.”
“Hurhur.”
“And you know this… how? Especially considering the fact that you couldn’t feel her anywhere while we were walking around earlier.”
“Why do I get the feeling that the princess won’t be in this castle either?”
“In other words; whether she is or not, we won’t find out anytime soon.”
“That’s swell. So… how do we get OUT of here?”
“….I dunno.”
“You what? Oh, that’s just great.”
“Will you guys stop ignoring me?”
“Please, no! We don’t want to hear about your bikini areas.”
“Insolence! No-one makes fun of my bikini areas and gets away with it!”
“Oh, I’ll get by with a little help from my friends…”
“Well, we’re surrounded… sorta. Not that we’d have anywhere to go in the first place, though.”
“Well, gee, that’s convenient. I wonder if we’ll go somewhere we won’t normally be able to.”
“Well, it’s not like they’ve been tested yet, so I don’t see what there is to complain about.”
“Either way, we’re going… going… gone!”
“Oh, Ghaleon’s being a meanie-poo.”
“Good lord, wherever did we go wrong since we ended up with such an airhead for a Goddess?”
Oh, no! It’s another short chapter. Because, once again, to split this up into nice, theme-based chapters, we cut this one short now. Anyway, all the cards have been laid upon the table. The plot has turned, the twists have twisted and the crisis has escalated once again. What will happen next. Where has our rag-tag party ended up?
“…Monty Python’s Flying Circus.”
“And now for something completely different.”