Chapter 8: Sleight of man and twist of plot.
“And if I remember correctly, you were an idiot.”
“And if I remember correctly, I haven’t really been wrong so far.”
“Well, I vaguely remember some trouble we had with a mansion not too long ago.”
“And what path would you want us to take? It’s not like that side road ever lead anywhere useful.”
“Guys, guys. Was it really that horrible? I thought you took care of that problem just fine. Why do you think I want you for the guild?”
“AAAARGH! I KNEW IT!”
“And it’s even in town here. During the night.”
“And the only thing stopping them are some kinds of beads? Hmm. Why do I smell a rat?”
“Rat? Where?”
“It was just an expression, Ruby, so halt that train of thought right now, please.”
“What? Another cult that seems not to be able to live past the negative connotation of the word? Surely not?”
“Ohoho, I smell sarcasm.”
“It’s a ‘give me all your money, or the aliens will come take you’ cult. That sounds VEEEERY familiar for some reason.”
“Well, gee… I wonder if these two tidbits are connected somehow?”
“Evil Gods hellbent on world destruction > deadbeat alcoholics. You heard it here first, folks.”
“‘Honey, I’m home. Or rather, I would be, if not for the fact that I destroyed it alongside the rest of the world.'”
“‘That’s nice, dear. Now, go and wash your hands. It’s dinnertime.'”
“Hmph. That woman wouldn’t know a good deadbeat alcoholic if he gambled the pants off her.”
“Thanks for ruining the moment, jerk.”
“And what would make you think that?”
“Point taken.”
“Not to worry, little kitty. Watch and learn.”
“And you didn’t think that people might try that as a joke when they see this door?”
“They’d still need to be a certified priest of Althena to open it.”
“Well, that still doesn’t explain how you managed to do it.”
“Ow, you cut me to the quick, little kitty.”
“You know what? Just… just whatever. Let’s go now before I regret ever coming here.”
“Oh, look. It’s the temple within the temple. Do the people in Dalton like redundancy or is it just me?”
“Maybe it was a ‘buy one, get one for free’ deal.”
“Um…. it doesn’t quite work like that.”
“Yeah, I was just being sarcastic again.”
“Oh, OK. At least you’re good for something, then.”
“Yeah. Well, don’t worry. I’ll tell you if we find something useful about you in the future.”
“Jeepers, this temple is creepy. I wonder what kind of enemies we’ll find here.”
“Dear God, that’s just wrong!”
“Yeah! One of them is a small goblin Borgan wannabe with an ill name, and I won’t even go into what the other one looks like, or where it aims its attacks.”
“Uh…. ladies first, I guess.”
“And Ronfar signs his death sentence once again. Hiro, do you think you can keep them busy until Jean and Lemina are done wailing on the perverted idiot?”
“I wouldn’t bet on it.”
“Oh, damn it all. Girls, we need him alive. Come on, just leave it for later.”
“I dunno… sounds a little bit too simple to me.”
“Not to worry. Watch and learn, my doubtful friend.”
“OK, that wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“Wasn’t supposed to… that definitely calls for a ‘well, duh’!”
“Jeez, look at that thing. I’m sure they could have fitted in a few more tentacles and vaguely phallic-looking limbs if they tried.”
“‘All aboard the train bound for the obvious.'”
“All we need now is for someone to say ‘this is going to hurt’.”
“Nipple yankers, machinations that vaguely resemble sex toys and now a monster consisting of 90% penis-shaped protrusions. Someone in this temple has ‘special needs’.”
“Jean, just…. ew.”
“OK, guys. Stay sharp and guard your… um, ‘entrances’.”
“I wonder what this thing is going to do.”
“Oh God, even the laser is shaped like a… wow.”
“Sigmund would be proud of these people.”
“I’m not even going to ask.”
“I, for one, thought I had this place pegged on the whole ‘beads’ thing, but this is just grand.”
“…or maybe not. Anyway, we fought off that huge, horrible monster, so fighting off a few weeny guards should be no problem. Hell, Hiro could probably have taken them on by his lonesome self at this point. But we’re not doing that, are we?”
“Uh oh.”
“Privately? OK, now I regret not fighting ourselves out instead of surrendering for no logical reason.”
“Well, let’s go to my private quarters so you can ‘overcome’ me there, if you catch my drift.”
“Do not want!”
“Nah, just kidding. Anyway…”
“Well, that is… she seems to be carrying around a secret that quite frankly gives me the heebie jeebies, but… um, she’s not talking much about that. She’s definitely hiding something though.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not like she’s been doing much destroying, so I’m sure she’s good deep down inside.”
“Why, Leo… I didn’t know you swung that way.”
“Um, what?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“But aren’t you one of Althena’s followers, you moron?”
“Um… I think there MIGHT just be something going on behind all this, and it’s got nothing to do with Althena.”
“Again not making any sense.”
“Come on, Leo. Do I have to spell it out to you? There are sinister plans afoot.”
“What the hell is that?”
“Oh God, not again…”
“Well, gee… what tipped you off? The priest’s sinister laughter or the monster he summoned?”
“So, do you need some more hints to shake the foundation of your beliefs or can we go now?”
“Ah, yes, of course…”
“Nothing really dangerous so far.”
“…interesting enemies, though. I shall endeavour to bring a few of them to my ship for… further studies.”
“Too much information, Leo. Too much information.”
“It makes me wonder if I also underestimated your abilities in…wait, what’s going on?”
“Leo, do you think you can try saying something that doesn’t make my skin crawl?”
“Wow, I never thought I’d be happy about seeing dead guards. You learn something new each day.”
“Well, NEARLY dead. Either way, it worked.”
“Mauri, huh? I guess it’s time to see if she’s as smexy as Ronfar would have us believe.”
“Oh, she definitely is. Shame that I’m her brother, though.”
“And why would that be?”
“Oh, I’m just not into the whole ‘incest’ thing.”
“Small blessings? Value them!”
“And this… this must be Mauri’s hellfire.”
“And listen. That sounds like Ronfar’s bark.”
“Yeah, we’re kind of surprised ourselves. Anyway, why do I feel strangely connected to you somehow?”
“Oh, that’ll be explained later, so don’t worry your fuzzy little head about it.”
“Oh, come on, Mauri. That retort really sucked.”
“Hey, I’m a villain on a tight scedule. What do you want?”
“Well, a closeup would be nice, for one.”
“Oh, whatever. Here, enjoy the pan of my FABULOUS body. It’ll be the last thing I do for you before I burn you to a crisp. I just love the smell of hormones in the morning. It smells like… well, singed flesh, actually.”
“Ew!”
“Yes, I apologize for Mauri murdering all my guards and probably also some of the townspeople.”
“Oh, that’s OK. She’s a girl, so I’m sure it’ll all turn out not to be her fault anyway.”
“Well, even though it sounds like a tremendously bad idea at this point, I shall do the honorable thing and take Lucia to Pentagulia. Let’s get on my ship.”
“We are sailing, we are sailiiing, home agaaaaaiiin, cross the seaaaaa.”
“Hey, where’s Lucia?”
“Well, at least someone is helpful.”
“You get what you pay for. It’s a cardinal rule, you know.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re… wait, ‘pay for’?”
“Neither do I, actually, but if not for her, I would never have been able to go on this huge journey. A certain someone is just a WEE bit overprotective.
Meanwhile back home…
“A cold here in the desert? Now, that’s just silly.”
Back at the Dragonship Destiny…
“I’m hungry. Let’s check the menu.”
“Hmm. Oh, hey, I could really go for some Toad Juice.”
“Oh, nice. Dinner sounds like a veritable gourmet feast.”
“Well, I’m sol-.. wait a sec. Chocolate milk? Ew!”
“Hey, mr. Guard. Look at me for a second. Juuust a little more.”
“Nice, Ruby.”
“Oh, there you are, Lucia. Why are you standing here and singing by yourself instead of joining our all-song choir downstairs?”
“There are no birds downstairs. No birds that understand my pain.”
“Your pain? What the hell are you talking about?”
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL! NO-ONE DOES! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MY DARKNESS AND PAIN AND LONELINESS AND MY NEED TO WRITE WANKY POEMS ABOUT IT ON MYSPACE!”
“Christ, Lucia. What just crawled up your nose and died?”
“I just… I just can’t abandon my dark secrets. I can’t feel anything for you, because that would make me happy and my ratings on flickr.com will drop dramatically.”
“What does that have to do with anything? What’s going on, Lucia?”
“YOU DON’T CARE AT ALL, DO YOU? How could this happen to me? I’ve made my mistakes, got nowhere to run….”
“Well, she could run down into the cabins, it seems. She’s pretty and all, but yeesh, she’s gonna drive me up the wall with this.”
“What happened? Lucia ran by, crying and rambling about webratings and pain and whatnot.”
“I wish I knew, Ruby. Well, we seem to be arriving at Pentagulia now. Maybe all our problems will finally be put behind us when we arrive.”
“Then again… maybe not.”
“Wow, that is one ominous city. How could anyone believe something bad would NOT happen there?”
“Am I the only one who thinks that sounds like a tremendously bad idea at this point?”
“Nope.”
“….”
“Wait, I’m not ready for this?”
“We’re so screwed.”
“MOUHAHAHAHA…. er, I mean… don’t mind me.”
“He knew that Leo would find his presence a pleasure? Um… wow.”
“Evil AND egocentric. Gotta love it.”
“Yes, well… I’m here with Lucia, even though you specifically instructed me to destroy her. I’m sure that’ll go over well.”
“Indeed. MOUHAHAHAHA!”
“I dunno… this scene is giving me bad vibes.”
“Ya think?”
“Christ, here we go again.”
“Captain Obvious to the bridge, please. We got incoming.”
“Wait, you’re going? Don’t you think it would have been a good idea to stay together? You know, in case things just happen to go wrong?”
“Yeah, well… that would be the smart thing to do, but…”
“Oh man, not you too?”
“Sorry, my friend, but I gotta go see Mauri. I mean… OK, so she murdered a lot of people and is generally acting like a cackling villain, but I still love her.”
“Stockholm Syndrome strikes again.”
“And you too. You know, Jean; more than anyone else, I think it’s a bad thing that you go off on your own?”
“What are you talking about. It’s just Lunn. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“Well, yeah, but… OK, fine. Have it your way.”
“I wonder why that is. I’m sure it’s not because… oh, she doesn’t exist anymore or anything.”
“She’s what?”
“I guess that lady was right. An evil overlord IS better than a drunken nobody.”
“Yeah, we kind of got a first-hand experience on that.”
“And Lemina’s jokes certainly didn’t help.”
“Hoo boy, am I ever glad this door is closed shut.”
“That guy is unbelievable. He kidnaps her mother, and expects her not to track him down to the ends of the world?”
“She still hasn’t figured it out? Good grief, Jean.”
“Well, hopefully this is one wakeup call that’ll do some good.”
“Well, we’ve been fooling around enough. Let’s go get this meeting over with.”
“You don’t HAVE to, you know. I’m sure we could uncover this little plot on our own.”
“Yes, but this way seems to contain more drama, so I think I’ll go for that.”
“And she has agreed not to hold a grudge over the whole ‘destroyer’ thing and you ordering me to execute her.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Ssssh.”
“Heeellooo everyone. Please do not mind my huge hat, even though every single picture and statue of the Goddess basically shows her wearing a simple dress and nothing on her head. I really am the real Althena.”
“WTF HAX! You die now!”
“Holy… Lucia, could you PLEASE try asking first and shooting questions later? No, wait, that came out wrong.”
“Whoo, finally a chance for me to show my totally awesome powers.”
“Well, she had that coming, I guess.”
“And now it’s your turn.”
“Wait, what? Hey, I had nothing to do with that.”
“Well, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten me into.”
“That’s appropriate. You fight like a cow.”
“Did… did you just imply that you want to give me a bath? Um… sorry, but whatever my secret lair might have made you believe, I don’t swing that way.”
“Gah, that came out wrong! OK, let me try again.”
“Yeah? Well, there’s more where that came from.”
“Hey, I didn’t say you were putting up an effective fight. Just that you were putting up a fight. Maybe it’d work better if you put your dragon up against me.”
“Ouch! That hurt, you know.”
“So will this.”
“If it’s alright with you, I’ll just lie over here, wallowing in my own pain, humiliation and failure.”
“Oh wow, that was embarrassing to just watch.”
“Well, Lucia accused Althena of not being real and tried to attack her. Then, Hiro got into the whole argument, so I had to whomp his ass too. Weren’t you paying attention?”
“No. I mean yes. I mean… oh, never mind.”
“*sigh* Good mindless flunkies are so hard to find these days.”
“What a dope. He took the bait, hook, line and sinker. Oh well, at least we got him out of the halls. I was getting tired of his pompous blathering. MOUHAHAHAHA!”
“Don’t mind me. Juuust standing here looking pretty.”
Oh dear, oh dear. Our gang of valiant, but raggish-taggish friends seems to be in big trouble… which is to be expected when they split up and thin out their forces. Honestly! And with all of them having had a huge can of whoop-ass unleashed upon themselves, how will things proceed. Is there any hope left for this world?
“Man, first I let Lucia vent her frustrations on me, then I get whumped by Ghaleon, and THEN I drop my soap in the prison showers. This has not been my day.”
“Ack, I’m sorry I asked.”