Chapter 7: The Good, the Vane and the Larger Than Life.
“Well, here we are. This better be worth it.”
“And so, we arrived in yet another city where there’s trouble afoot. Would it be possible, if only once in this damn world, to come to a town where everything is hunky dory? Is that too much to ask?”
“Picky, picky. Well, what’s the problem?”
“Who the hell is Borgan?”
“Oh, you’re about to find out. Hope you brought your eyebleach.”
“Oh dear.”
“Party of six in the ‘no stupid helmets’ section, if you please, my good man.”
“Black capes and big helmets. Do they have ‘villain henchman’ tattoos on their arms too?”
“Lemina, I sincerely hope this isn’t the kind of joke that will bring about horrible mental images once we meet this Borgan.”
“Um…. oops.”
“That’s it! Our stay in Vane is cancelled!”
“Guys, come on.”
“Hmm, well that IS kind of presumptuous of him; keeping someone from entering their own home.”
“That’s nice, Lemina. Do you think you can shout that out a little louder? I’m sure Dork Helmet #1 and #2 would appreciate that, since those helmets of theirs look like they can deflect any kind of soundwaves, not to mention mid-size comets.”
“You just HAD to get in that last jab, didn’t you?”
“Yeah. It’s still nice of them to humor me, though.”
“…yeah, I guess so. Anyway, where to next?”
“Um…. a transmission spring? I dunno, Lemina…”
“Oh, stop being such a worrywart. It’s perfectly safe. Well, the spring, that is. Whatever we’re meeting inside, however…”
“You HAVE been using this spring of transmission before, right?”
“Can’t say I have.”
“And you expect us to happily follow you in there? How far do you intend to take this self-delusional attitude of yours?”
“As long as you keep wagging that pretty little tail of yours.”
“Don’t push your luck!”
“Well, I guess there’s five more now.”
“What do you mean by-.. aah, you clever little kitty.”
“Dare I even ask whom you’re not considering to be a freak here?”
“I thought that was rather obvious.”
“Hey, just because you live here doesn’t mean you can lay claim to everything.”
“Yeah. Finder’s keepers.”
“Hey, do you want to go to Vane or not?”
“Not really.”
“Erm, what? Oh, come on. You were supposed to say ‘yes’ to that.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you’ve kept on convincing yourself that we actually had any desire to go to Vane since we met you in that Godforsaken mansion.”
“And having to fight that bizarre machination surely didn’t help matters.”
“Which part of ‘magic test’ did you fail to understand?”
“I dunno, Lemina. Which part of ‘having to make us want to care about your magic guild’ did YOU fail to come to terms with?”
“Oh, shut up, you.”
“Well, finally some stairsGUH! What the hell is THAT?”
“Who cares? It’s attacking us, so we kill it. It’s not exactly rocket science here.”
“I wonder if it tastes good.”
“Why is that the first thing that enters your mind?”
“Juust checking. Man, you are such a cheapskate, Lemina.”
“That is the most amazingly gross thing I have ever fought.”
“Eugh, it’s just a lump of flesh, veins and eyeballs.”
“I think it winked at me. I’m going to have nightmares for months.”
“I wonder if it’s-..”
“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”
“Oh, come on. I’m sure that if we cook it first, it’s going to taste just fine.”
“Yeah, but let me ask you; how are you planning on eating anything without any teeth?”
“Um…”
“OK, here we are, at last. Man, that was an obnoxious side road to a place we didn’t much care for in the first place.”
“Don’t say that. You haven’t seen what this place has to offer yet.”
“And what’s that? The rustique look?”
“Yes! I mean.. no! I mean… what the hell are you talking about?”
“So, this store has, amongst other things, a PINK BOW that helps me stay awake? Please tell me how that makes any sense?”
“Well… it’s a kind of magic.”
“Hiro, if you so much as THINK about defiling any Queen songs, I will fine you your weight in silver to Pentagulia and back, so help me.”
“Hey, I wasn’t….”
“So I’ll hope you’ll forgive me as I proceed to insult this place to your face and in front of your daughter to boot.”
“Of course.”
“He won’t sound so high and mighty once I’ve torn his balls off.”
“If you can find them.”
“Oh God, it’s ‘number one or two’ man. If it’s alright with you, I think I’ll assume the fetal position now for some therapeutic rocking back and forth now.”
“Eeeew!”
“Guuuys. Help me out here, will you?”
“That is… insofar as these mossgrown paths can be called ‘streets’, and this roof-less place can be called a ‘house’.”
“Oh, I’ll take care of that just as much as I’ll take care of the fact that you were once called ‘a man’. That is, if anyone ever called you that to begin with, which I doubt.”
“Haha, wow. That’s one hell of a counter from Lemina.”
“Are you ignoring me, you wart-infested toad? Don’t feel too safe just because I might need some time finding your testicles.”
“Oh, of course. Where are my manners. Please allow me to pose and cackle evilly on top of my floating platform.”
“Will that do?”
“Yes! *sob* No more closeups of your face, please.”
“Yeah, I mean… you may want to have that looked at.”
“I’m losing my will to dance here.”
“Wow. Score one for Miria. That was beyond cruel.”
“And from her own mother, no less.”
“Yeah, I mean… they’re… both greedily ambitious about magic power and getting their city up and running as fast as possible. Hey, they ARE pretty much alike.”
“H-hey. I thought you were on my side?”
“Well, we are, but you have to admit she’s got a point.”
“I have to do no such thing.”
“Don’t you people ever shut up? Gah! I’m tired of this.”
“Rubenesque?”
“So that’s what they’re calling it these days.”
“W-what did you just do?”
“Why, I just teleported her out of here and to our final meeting grounds. Weren’t you paying attention? Well, watch closely now, and I’ll do it again, only this time, we’ll all leave.”
“Um… Lemina, you haven’t even TRIED the saving part yet.”
“Yeah. I mean… we were going to Pentagulia anyway, so why don’t you just… hey, where are you going?”
“And off she went. Oh well, at least now we can loot those chests without her interfering.”
“Oh, come on. Do you think SHE would ask before going through stuff?”
“Maybe not, but I think we should find her first anyway.”
“‘Lee Lee’? Haha, wow.”
“So looting through her treasure is wrong, but reading through her diary of very private thoughts is A-OK?”
“Um… yeah. It’s…. uh, a girl thing.”
“Christ! OK, whatever. Can we please move on now?”
“Oh, you’re no fun at all.”
“Well, there she is. So… now what?”
“Wait, what? Pep-talk? And why me?”
“Yes! I mean… no! I mean… why me?”
“I still fail to see what that has to do with me being the one who has to comfort her. If you think I’m the king of pep-talks, then you better prepare for one major letdown.”
“And of course they didn’t listen. Man, this is going to get real ugly real fast.”
“I don’t think I have to admit anything, but anyway, here goes…”
“Nice speech, dweeb.”
“Hey, they were the ones who foisted the responsibility on me, so don’t blame me for this fiasco. Anyway, you want to hear something that’ll make you feel better? Then how about you come with us to Pentagulia and we give Borgan’s ass a piece of our feet? Given the size of said ass, I’m sure we can all give our feet simultaneously. And we’ll kick him so hard, he’ll be needing to stand on that platform of his, because he won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
“And hey, you did manage to cheer me up. I’m going to giggle myself to sleep for a long time over those mental images.”
“Great. I still won’t join the guild, though, so don’t get too comfortable there.”
“Aw, now I’m sad again. Oh well, we’ve got things to do.”
“Not to mention your mother.”
“…oh, right. Yes. Yes, of course. My mother as well.”
“Hoo boy.”
“Sweet. We can loot and raid again.”
“Oh, I’ve got the tools to save your mother right here in my pants.”
“Oh God, you did NOT just go there?!”
“He sure did.”
“Well, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Let’s go to the library and see if we can find some books that may help us.”
“I’d say YOUR color of love is silver.”
“And I’m pretty sure your heart is in your purse, which explains a few things.”
“Oh, quiet you! Next shelf, please.”
“Well… I don’t see how this is relevant to our journey, but… what the heck.”
“Besides, you never know what we might encounter on our journey. Or who.”
“Good point. Let’s put it in our stash.”
“Alrighty, we’re all set and on our way to Dalton, and from there, it’s just a short jump to Pentagulia. Once there, our journey will be complete, and not just surprisingly half done.”
“May there be no huge-ass plot twist to muck things up.”
“May there be babes to be had. Preferably not evil ones.”
“May I finally realize what I get the impression I should have figured out aeons ago.”
“And may I get the chance for revenge against the lardass that just put me through hell.”
And so, our story comes to an end once again. When next we meet, what challenges will await our team of rag-tags? What secrets will be unveiled once our friends succeed in reaching their ultimate destination? What suspensions of disbelief will be tested? Stay with us, and we’ll eventually find out, as we must.
“Well, here we are. Now, could we please just get through ONE SIMPLE CITY without being caught up in a huge mess they’re somehow in the middle of? Pretty please?”