Chapter 6: Won’t someone please think of the CHIIILDRUUUN!
“Well, here we are, and man, oh man, does this ever not look like a creepy Yeti cave or something. We’re entering this?”
“What are you talking about. It DOES look like a Yeti cave. And yes, we’re entering.”
“It’s called ‘irony’, Ronfar. Look it up.”
“Oh hey, this is actually pretty idyllic. Well, aside from the snow falling down, but… you holding up OK, Jean?”
“N-nuh-not by a l-luh-longshot. Wh-why did I even agree t-to come to t-this p-p-puh-place.”
“Jean, honey… that outfit was a bad idea back when you decided to hit the road in the first place. High heels might look sweet, but they’re a bitch when you’re traversing the wildlands.”
“Buh-but I’m-m-m a d-d-dancer, d-d-dammit!”
“Don’t look at me. I’m certainly not complaining.”
“W-what d-do you m-mean b-by that, Ronfar? And w-wuh-why are you staring at muh-my ch-chest like t-that?”
“It’s because… um, why don’t you look for yourself. And a few kicks in Ronfar’s direction should help you work up some warmth.”
“Yeah, well… how’s about asking that old guy there where to go to move through this town?”
“Help? With what?”
“It doesn’t matter, since we don’t have the time anyway. Why are you complaining about snow in the first place? That’s what you get for living so far up north.”
“The hell you are! What gives you the right?”
“Oh, for the love of… and OF COURSE we can’t say no to this, seeing as children are involved. Alright, alright, we’ll take care of this.”
“Erm… something wrong, Lucia?”
“Man, that’s cold.”
“Not a spark of compassion… of human warmth under that exterior, huh?”
“She’s got a heart of ice, that one.”
“Would… the… three… of… you… just… SHUT UP! Mayor, I’ll be glad to help, but before we go, could I please have a fireplace to warm myself by for a couple of minutes?”
“Jean, you are out of your mind. The mayor DID offer to lend you some warm clothes, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s just get this quest done as quickly as possible so we can move on. I can still feel the cold on my chest.”
“And I’m still not complaining.”
“Yeesh, what’s up with these blue slimes? And how can slimes stay… well, slimy… in temperatures like these?”
“Hold on, I got a suitable remedy for these creatures. FIRE STORM!”
“Ow, ow, ow, ow! Careful with those!”
“Oh, stop complaining. You’re not freezing right now anyway.”
“Well, no, but even if I was, I don’t think I would want having myself set on fire.”
“What the hell are these? They’re all over the place.”
“Is that a snowball? Who takes the time to roll something like that?”
“Um… children, maybe?”
“That would be the logical answer, little kitty, but not this far up the mountainside.”
“Weeeeeeeeeee…”
“Um… guys?”
“Alright! Here’s the giant snowball. Let’s have a closer look.”
“OK, but don’t get too close, or…”
“More likely it crushes the tiny village below.”
“Yeah! Which part of ‘don’t get too close’ didn’t you understand?”
“Sorry.”
“Yeah, well, I guess we might as well just get back down. No people left to save now.”
“Well, what do you know. It DID plug up the ravine below, and… hey, here’s another one.”
“Oh boy, here we go again.”
“Oh sweet, a Flame Saber. Good thing we found something like that in in a chest in the middle of nowhere.”
“Oooh, gimme gimme gimme.”
“Hey, I found it first! It’s mine.”
“But… but you don’t use swords in the first place, and you only got it because I had no room in my stash.”
“I don’t care. It’s mine.”
“Cheapskate!”
*sigh* “Children!”
“Lemina, not that I want to complain or anything, but I really don’t feel like having jello at the moment.”
“I agree. And they don’t taste particularly good either.”
“Complaints, complaints, complaints! That’s all I get. Food provisions aren’t cheap, you know. Especially in the mountains.”
“Well… I’m with the guys on this one. Besides, I don’t see YOU having any.”
“I’m… not hungry.”
“Well, of course you wouldn’t be after stuffing yourself on another ration.”
“What’s that, Hiro? Are you cold? Well, why didn’t you say so? I can do something about that.”
“Aack! OK, OK, stop it. We get it, already.”
“Uh oh. This place is giving me bad vibes. Like… dangerous encounter vibes. I hope something bad doesn’t happen or anything.”
“Ow, ow, ow. That’ll teach me to keep my big mouth shut, lest it get filled with snow. But I can feel hands fondling me. What’s going on?”
“It means you’re in love. I bet none of you could see THAT coming. 🙄 ”
“What is ‘love’?”
“It’s a bad song, often danced to by weird losers who have no business being with a girl. And… hey, Hiro, what are you doing?”
“…baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me… no more.”
“Oh, I’m afraid this calls for some hurt right now.”
“You people are weird. Anyway, let’s go find the others.”
“Oh, he’ll certainly go ‘missing’ in a little while, alright.”
“A giant monkey is causing all of this? Well, that’s the weird quota filled for today.”
“You have no right to say that, considering what you just did moments before.”
“Um, what? What are you guys talking about? What did Hiro do?”
“Trust me, you DON’T want to know.”
“Oh, come on, guys. That big ol’ monkey was a softie.”
“Quiet, you! You weren’t ever introduced to his very not soft fists, so you have no place to talk.”
“Oh great, now he wet himself. Can we please stop talking about the huge, ravenous monkey?”
“Aaand there the other two wet themselves as well. Let’s just… just leave this place. Preferably ten minutes ago.”
“Alrighty! Hasta la vista, icy hell.”
“And welcome, big city life. I’ll show you the ropes for a modest fee.”
“You don’t ever let up, do ya?”
“Well, gee… that sounds really famil-.. wait, what?”
“Don’t look at me. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about?”
“Can we please stop breaking the fourth wall and get back to the task at hand?”
“Gee, Jean… it’s almost like there’s something you aren’t telling us about.”
“Yeah, well… you’ll find out eventually. Isn’t that how it always goes?”
“Anyway, time’s awastin’. Let’s go get this meeting with Lunn over with, so we can get on with more important matters; roping you guys into Vane.”
“Eeep. This stoic, squinting fellow is Lunn, I take it?”
“Yep. Now quiet, while I reveal my dark past to this person.”
“Oh, I’m sure THAT statement won’t come back and bite you in the ass at some point in the future. Anyway, now that we got THAT out of our systems…”
“Incidentally, I heard a rumor about a group of bandits near Taben’s Peak. I’m sure those must be the villains you are looking for.”
:facepalm: “Oh great, more delays.”
“Oh, come on, Ruby. Let’s go check it out. What harm can it do?”
“Famous last words, buddy.”
“I must admit I’m at a loss for how this place can be considered the den of evil. It’s quite pictueresque. Well… maybe not as much as Vane, but still… very nice.”
“Yeah. I wonder who live here.”
“It’s… a white cat with wings? Well, I’ll be jiggered.”
“It’s so cute too.”
“H-hey, I won’t have any competition around. Come here, you!”
“I’m Nall. What do you think you are doing here? We don’t take kindly to rag-tag RPG groups around here. And… um, please ignore the fact that my hair kind of looks like the fur on the little kitty you saw three seconds ago. Not that my name is a clue or anything, so yeah, beat it!”
“I’m intrigued.”
“I’m annoyed.”
“Oh dear.”
“What’s up, Lucia?”
“Uh… nothing. No, it’s nothing.”
“But anyway, it’s nothing. Nope. Not a thing. No weird secrets or anything like that.”
“Second thoughts? I think I’m starting to get some.”
“Now, would anyone care to remind me why we seem to be sneaking into this guy’s lair?”
“C’mon, Ruby. Don’t you wanna meet him again?”
“Absolutely NOT!”
“Christ, not these enemies again.”
“I concur. I think we had enough of those the last time.”
“Hey, why are you looking at me. Those aren’t MY minions.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of them.”
“Sweet Jesus, Lucia, did you just fire that laser out of your… um, no comment, I guess.”
“Atomic diarrhea indeed.”
“So yeah, here’s hoping you’re not evil and willing to hurt children.”
“Oh great. What have we gotten ourselves into now.”
“Hey, YOU were the one who wanted to go up here.”
“Hush now, kitty. If children want to be bandits, then they damn well should be allowed to follow their dreams.”
“This conversation makes no sense anymore.”
“Oh God, I can see where this is going, and it’s got ‘us’ and ‘into trouble’ written all over it.”
“And of COURSE it’s about rescuing children again, which we can’t ignore.”
“I’m going to give this Nall a piece of my mind. If he wants those children saved, he can damn well go and do it himself.”
“Wait, what? What do you mean ‘spare our lives’? You’re putting a lot of faith in us not just blasting you to kingdom come here?”
“So, what’s the status update on ‘Ruby’s total amount of damage’, Ruby?”
“What’s that got to do with anything. Shut up, Ronfar, or I’m going to have to hurt you.”
“Oh, I think I can handle it, little kitty.”
“Um… guys? Hostage situation? Hello?”
“The play room? You… you fiends.”
“That’s right. Now, can we please get down to business?”
“We’ve… we’ve got a sewer level. That’s just swell.”
“Those… those bastards! Hold on, Lucia. We’ll get those children rescued as soon as possible.”
“Yeah. We won’t let you suffer more than absolutely necessary.”
“Would you? I mean… we wouldn’t want to have to fight those stupid toys of yours again, if it’s all the same to you.”
“Well, here we are… again! I wonder what’s been going on while we were away.”
“…forget that I even asked. Raaaamuuus?!”
“So you thought it would be a good idea to send unarmed cityfolk into monster-infested sewers? Does the word ‘lawsuit’ mean anything to you?”
“Oh, Lemina dear. That’s what ‘pre-entry contracts’ are for?”
“You brilliant bastard.”
“Yep, it’s a sewer level alright. I wonder what kind of creatures we’ll be facing down here.”
“Pink fish with feet and giant tadpoles. Althena, why?!”
“Um… Jean, what are you doing?”
“Jean, do I even want to know what was IN those syringes?
“No!”
“Your attacks are weirding me out, Jean.”
“Oh, pooh. And here I was hoping for the Holy Handgrenade.”
“Yeah, but none of us would be able to use that anyway, since neither of us can count to five-..”
“Three!”
“Three. And besides, who are we going to use it on?”
“Oh, I can think of a few uses for that.”
“Why do I get the feeling that not asking you what you meant by that is imperative to your continuing survival.”
“Oh, look. Stairs. Wonder where they go.”
“Ah, it’s the party team. They’re holding a children’s party with entertainment and stuff.”
“Jeeeaaaan. You’re ruining the mood?”
“Hiro, you nimrod. That’s the evil guy with the mask who’s training children in that Karate of Death thing.”
“Embrace? I ain’t hugging any guys.”
“Alright, who hit Hiro with the stupid stick? Hiro, stop being an idiot. He means there’ll be a fight.”
“Indeed. Five against four. Now, that’s hardly fair.”
“Hey, what about me?”
“Well, every bit coun-..”
“OK, Ronfar, that’ll do. Let’s not go there again, OK?”
“Anyway, don’t worry. I’ve got something here for all of them.”
“Yikes! Impaling them on giant icicles? You don’t mess around, do you?”
“All in a day’s work for the premier.”
“Curses. You win this time, Jean. But next time, victory will be mine, and you won’t even expect it.”
“Well, at least I got his mask. And that voice… it sounds so familiar.”
“…is she serious? Apart from growling a bit more, it sounds exactly like Lunn.”
“Yeah. I mean… look at his hair. Same color, even.”
“Well, gee, Jean. Even if by some freak occurance it wouldn’t be Lunn, is there any particular reason why the voice you heard throughout most of your childhood wouldn’t sound familiar?”
“Well, gee, that sounds familiar. It must be sarcasm.”
“Come on, guys. No need to be mean.”
“Well, gee, that sounds familiar. I think it must have been an idiot.”
“Come on, guys. Stop fooling around. Let’s go see Lunn.”
“Well, gee… I wonder if he just happened to have left suddenly.”
“Thank the heavens for small distractions, I guess.”
“Not to mention short. They just ran off, those punks.”
*shrug*
“Oh, what’s this? The Blue Dragon Karate Dojo? Funny we should end up here, where the masked man came from just a few minutes ago. I wonder what this means?”
“Rubyyy…”
“We just missed him, you say? Well, isn’t that a shame. I wonder where he went off to?”
“OK, enough, already. If poor Jean won’t get this now, I’m sure there’ll be opportunities later on.”
“Um… Ronfar, is there something about Mauri you’re not telling us? That was a bit of an ill omen there.”
“Ahahaha, yeah. Kids these days. No respect, I tell ya. Speaking of kids, shouldn’t we get back to Taben’s Peak, post haste?”
“Oh, alright.”
“All in a days work for a yo-yo. Anyway, do you think we can move on, now, instead of having to do all this back-and-forth? I’m actually starting to look forward to reaching Vane, and that’s not a good sign.”
“Sure. Come inside, first, so the children can thank you, though. And furthermore…”
“And what do you mean ‘dragon’? Do you mean that we’ll find out this later on in a totally unexpected plot twist we never would have expected?”
“Oh, look who’s sarcastic now.”
“What? I have to find her too? I smell an embarrassing encounter. Let’s go.”
“Why do I have to come with you?”
“Um.. newsflash: You’re a girl.”
“And Lucia is a WOMAN! Whooo-weee.”
“Speaking of which, we were supposed to go find her, weren’t we? Oh, wow, a giant inside pool. Oh, hey… what’s that over there?”
“OH GOD, I’M BEING HIT BY A SUDDEN BOUT OF SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS! ABORT! ABORT!”
“What’s a carnival?”
“Oh God, the sight turned him into a blubbering idiot.”
“…Boobies!”
“Yep. It’s serious.”
“Nope. One look at Lucia’s sweet, naked ass, and Hiro lost all ability to move. I practically had to manhandle him out the door.”
“Ohoho, Hiro, you sly dog. This is the second time you’ve seen her in the buff, am I right?”
“Durrrh.”
“Apparently, he’s not back yet from his trip to la-la land.”
“Wow, crude and rude. Almost worthy of a baby dragon.”
“Well, look who’s back to the land of the living, if just for a few seconds.”
“What do you mean by th-.. OW, OW, OW! Hey, Ruby, take it easy with the flameworks.”
“Well, gee, I guess that means we’ll be meeting up later. That’ll be a blast, I bet.”
“You don’t know the half of it.”
“Hey, thanks for the huge-ass clue. I’m sure it’ll come in handy. You sure got a lot of nice stuff just lying around, don’t you?”
“A ‘little run down’ she says. I seem to vaguely remember some video footage of something getting shot down by a huge-ass tank. Totally unrelated, I’m sure.”
*cough* “You talk too much. Time’s awasting.”
And so, yet another chapter comes to an end, and our heroes once again find themselves contemplating their next move. New horizons and new facets of evil have let themselves be known, and there’s no telling what kind of evil they will face even now.
“Aaargh! Not those Goddamn blue fish again. That’s it! I quit!”