Chapter 5: Bridge over Troubled Water or Water under Troubled Bridge?
“Alrighty, so we’re here, where we didn’t exactly NEED to go. Since when did crossing a simple bridge become such a huge problem?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Ruby. Why don’t we go and ask LEO about that?”
“Hey, he’s your buddy, not mine.”
“And blind alleys. Lovely. Of course, we have to walk in an U-turn because some people seem to lack the ability to turn around without someone standing right in front them leading the way.”
“Oh, stop complaining. You’re the ones hogging the good armor pieces.”
“Oh, stop complaining. It’s not like you would wear them anyway, even if we bought them for you.”
“Well, they’re heavy. Besides, what do you have to complain about. Your contributions to the battles are minimal and diminishing.”
“Hey, I do my part.”
“What the hell is that? The Phantom of the Mysterious Ruin?”
“He’s inside my mind.”
“And my nightmares.”
“Oh, look. It’s a statue of Althena right in the middle of this weird contraption.”
“Well, that’s going to do a whole lot of people good.”
“Yeah, like…. say, us?”
“Touche.”
“And did we want to come here in the first place?”
“No, but look… here we are anyway.”
“Double-touche.”
“So there we go. Wanna go for a triple?”
“No, I’ll just shut up now.”
“And now we have elevators.”
“Why, hello, mr. Tyler. Going…. down?”
“What was THAT about? And why are you looking at me with that unnerving glance?”
“If that’s a portal, it looks like the hurtingest portal to squeeze through ever.”
“AlRIGHT!”
“What got YOU so excited?”
“Well… nothing. Say, that’s some flimsy clothing you’re wearing there, Jean. You’re not afraid that they’ll tear apart and uncover your curvy, delicious dancer’s body?”
“….OK, here’s what we do. I’ll go through first, and then you girls follow. And any guy who enters that portal until it’s safe for me will receive an assload of merchandise from the Pain Boat.”
“Aw, you’re no fun.”
“And what if it’s a one-way gate.”
“Well… in that case, nice knowing ya.”
“Oh, Christ. More rats.”
“More”?
“Yeah, see, we were going through this small cave in Larpa, which was infested with rats. It wouldn’t have taken so long, maybe, if Ruby weren’t jonesing so much for some eatables.”
“Which was gross, believe you me.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk, stuffing your face with those snails.”
“Hiro, if I ever question any expressions of disgust from you again in the future, feel free to tell me to shut up.”
“Are you all quite done now, or do I have to do all the work here?”
“Oops, uh.. sorry, Lucia.”
“OK, please let this be the last stairwell we need to take here.”
“Hmm. I guess not. In fact, we got ourselves some more teleporting mirrors with shards all around the opening.”
“Alright!”
“Oh, no!”
“Alright. An Iron Shield. I was tired of using that damn pot lid of a shield.”
“Need I remind you that we’re on a budget? That magic guild isn’t going to repair itself, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah… is that why you’re wearing such a fabulous dress?”
“Hey, I’m… uh, the premier. I have to look presentable.”
“If you want to look presentable, try Jean’s outfit. In fact, that would look quite nice, since you seems to be even curvier than her.”
“While I wouldn’t mind letting her try that, it’ll be for her eyes only, and certainly not yours.”
“Oh, poo. You’re no fun.”
“I wonder if Mauri would like to learn about your little infidelities. I sure hope she hasn’t turned to evil somehow. That would REALLY make the entailing ass-whupping hurt.”
“More of those mirrors? Why me?!”
“Oh, this place is certainly winning me over. I know where to take my dates now.”
“If you like it so much, why don’t you spend ETERNITY HERE!”
“Whoa, Jean.. I was only kidding. Stop with the kicking already.”
“And now we have more of those moving platforms. This place is certainly a pain in the ass.”
“I guess it isn’t a bother for Ghaleon, since he can teleport and all.”
“He really IS an evil bastard.”
“What the hell is THAT?”
“You say that every time we meet something. Have you been living on a solitary island or something?”
“Hey, I’ll have you know that our place is full of… um… not really all that dangerous creatures… or something.”
“OK, finally an exit. PLEASE let this be the last one we need to go through… what the hell?”
“OK, this isn’t exactly what I expected.”
“Fairies? What in the name of….”
“Ooh, that plan is so deliciously evil. I love it.”
“Well, that desire just received a bucket of cold water over the head. Good thing I can count on your extreme perversions to keep me off the path of evil.”
“Oh, I’ll manage to corrupt you yet.”
“I… I don’t want to live anymore… *sob*”
“OK, so Ghaleon’s NOT evil? Well, he didn’t swat us like flies when he had the chance to, which would mean that Zophar would definitely have won.”
“I’m actually more impressed with the fact that he can dress like that, talk like that and maintain a fairy cellar, and yet nobody thinks he’s gay.”
“Oh, shut u… um, actually, you have a point.”
“OK, so Ghaleon’s a not evil, extremely powerful and completely heterosexual character in this game. Got it.”
“Incidentally, I don’t carry any secrets that can spell ill will towards humanity as we know it.”
“And fairies.”
“And fairi-…hey, who said that?”
“And dragons?”
“Yes, and dragons too. Not that you don’t already know too much for your own good or anything.”
“And beastmen.”
“And beas-.. OK, this is getting silly.”
“Finally outside. Now to get back to Nota without Leo noticing it.”
“Oh crap!”
“You just HAD to go and jinx us, didn’t you.”
“Well, no, it’s not like we haven’t outwitted you before or anything.”
“Oh, quiet you. That was mostly luck. And luck ain’t going to help you this time.”
“But… but… I’ve based my whole life on lady luck. She can’t fail me now.”
“Quiet, you. Now, surrender, or face the blasts of my Dragonship.”
“Oh great. You choose NOW to be courageous? Weren’t you cowering from most of the enemies in that temple?”
“Well, yeah, but we didn’t REALLY have to fight all those.”
“Well, if you plan on standing up against Zophar, I suggest you gain some experience and level up.”
“What are you talking about? I’m just copying Hiro’s level and immunities and levelling up when he does.”
“Lazy, lazy.”
“Erm… we’re about to be demolished here. I certainly hope Lady Luck hasn’t abandoned us or anything.”
“What are you standing around there and yelling like an idiot for? Therapy ain’t cheap, you know?”
“…well, imagine that.”
“That blast didn’t come from nowhere. Who did that?”
“Who cares? They retreated, and we’re free to go.”
“Hmm. Another point to the ‘Ghaleon is not evil’ scale. I wonder…”
“You wonder too much. Let’s go.”
“OK, here’s Nota, but…. would it be possible to take a short detour to the carnival?”
“Jean, we need to cross this bridge before Leo recovers.”
“Yes, because the forces of evil don’t wait. We don’t have a second to lose.”
“And much as I like pushing my luck, I don’t want to push it THAT much.”
“Money’s awasting, Jean. Is there any economic gains to this you haven’t told us about?”
“No, I just want to give Bulgy a piece of my foot for the ride he put us through.”
“…on second though, I’m sure we have time for that.”
“Yeah, that thing did not have anything to do with luck, so I’m not against it.”
“Well… it did teach me something I rather didn’t want to learn, so I guess some time can be spared to this.”
“Having someone learn a lesson in the indignity of it all sounds like a profiteable venture to me. Best way to learn about cost-increasing errors is making sure they never happen again.”
“You want me to chip in some too?”
“Sure thing, kitty. Every little piece counts.”
“I’m going to ignore that jab to my pride just this once, Ronfar.”
“Yeah, we’re just dandy. Don’t mind my dress being covered up in stomach juices or anything. The lawsuit for that will come soon.”
“Anyway, where’s Bulgy? We’ve got a few things to… say to him.”
“He’s over there, like usual.”
“Oh, you won’t be building anything soon once I’m done with you.”
“And what do you mean ‘wasn’t your fault’? Are you saying the landing would have been gentler if it had gone in the correct direction? It would have been harder, in fact, since it would have been a longer fall.”
“Well… um… OK, you got a point.”
“Oh well, whatever, let’s just go before my violent urges overtake me again.”
“You’re welcome back any time, girls. I’ll let you ride my REAL ‘Magic Arrow’ if you do.”
“Wow. Who knew an old guy could take such a beating and survive.”
“Yeah, and here I thought Jean would never use that ‘Karate of Death’ again.”
“I made that ONE exception, OK? Now, would you stop chattering and help me with this baboon before I decide to make another exception?”
“The horror… oh, Athena, the horror.”
“Luciaaaa. I didn’t beat him THAT hard.”
“Finally, we got over this damn bridge. Good thing we didn’t pass any other ruins on our way or anything, or we might very well have to handle that one too.”
“Hiro, push your own luck if you feel the need to, but please leave mine out of it.”
“Oh God, here we go again. Do we HAVE to talk to every vendor in this town? Is there anything that can possibly be more revolting than this?”
“OK, forget I asked. Why do I always have to ask?!”
“But Jean… it grows to twenty times…”
“SHUT UP!”
“Juuust checking, but… would there possibly be a alternate path we might take?”
“No, not really.”
“OK, just checking.”
“OK, we got killer wasps, which I can understand, but the fish with feet? Jesus, why?!”
And so, wanting to avoid the mess with the last chapter, I cut this story short here. Leaving the bridge and the revelations so far behind them, our heroes once again cross into the mountains, which gives them ample time to mull over the challenge that awaits them… if they even make it there.
“If I just throw myself over that cliff, would the others follow me, I wonder?”