Chapter 4: Hooded figures to the left of me, haunted mansions to the right, and here I am, stuck in the middle with… Ghaleon? Uh oh!
“Excellent. I’m glad the village was voted for ALMOST unanonimously.”
“Do you have anything against big mansion buildings? Think of all the lovely maids they must have inside that place.”
“Someone needs to be introduced to the negative effects of the expression ‘trying too hard’, preferably as they’re beating you up.”
“Don’t let me stand in your way.”
“Hiro… I’m surprised. In a positive way, even.”
“Well, I’m not THAT girl-crazy. Besides, standing in the way of one of Jean’s kicks? No way!”
“…OK, I have to admit that was kind of funny.”
“Ghosts, huh? Is there a phone nearby?”
“Who ya gonna call?”
“OK. one extremely painful kick coming up.”
“Hey, I was only kidding. Come on, Jean. Be reasonable.”
“I KNOW, Ronfar. Think of the helpings of pain I’m going to unleash on you as payment in full.”
“Ow, ow. Hiro’s the one who started.”
“Yeah, I know. I just like seeing you taking the bait and suffer the consequences.”
“There’s no love left in this world.”
“Hooded figure lurking about and magic guild premier reportedly present in this town? ….naaah, can’t be related.”
“They don’t seem to notice my attire being unusual, though.”
“That IS strange.”
“So…. any particular reason why we should trust you?”
“Well…”
“Yeah, I mean… how do we know you’re not leading us into large helpings of trouble.”
“Oh, come on. Would these eyes lie?”
“Um… we can’t even see your eyes underneath that hood.”
“Fair enough, although it kind of looks like you’re in a whole heap of trouble on your own. But whatever, suit yourselves.”
“Well, I guess that just about says it all. We stay away from the hooded lady.”
“Oh, come on. She looked pretty cute underneath that hood, and cute girls are NEVER trouble, amirite?”
“I shouldn’t even have to dignify that with an answer, you blind idiot.”
*cough*
“You OK, Jean? You look distracted.”
“Er… it’s nothing.”
“Oh, for the love of… it’s a ‘monster situation’ now. From what I can tell, there’s nothing but regular wilderness beasts out there, and trust me; unless you’re willing to commit genocide, that will never change. So toughen the hell up, you wussies.”
“Yeah, even we got here with minimal trouble, and you have to admit; we’re one of the biggest ragtag parties you have ever seen. All we’re really missing is a girl throwing magic around.”
“But… but… I do that.”
“Yeah, but we don’t get to choose what you do. Besides, most of the time, you’re just buffing your own defense.”
“Well, excuse me for being cautious. I’m on a very important mission, you know.”
“We’re going to follow the crazy lady with the hood, aren’t we?”
“Oh, hells, yes. Maid heaven, here we come.”
“Round 2… FIGHT!”
“What are you talk-..OOF!”
“And STAY down!”
“Well, before we go and get ourselves horribly killed thanks to Ronfar’s libido, let’s see where this path leads.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk, mr. ‘I’m going to follow you wherever you go, Lucia.’ Maybe we should have a little chat about Zophar, hmm?”
“Zophar? Who’s that?”
*cough* “Oh, nothing.”
“….”
“Oh, it’s a cave opening that leads to…”
“…this really cold and creepy room in the middle of nowhere.”
“But look; random treasure.”
“Don’t you think someone owns this stuff?”
“So what? If they just put it out for random people to be able to take, then what’s the worry?”
“A flytrap? And dung beetles? Ew!”
“Man, if they taste as bad as they smell, I should seriously hope the flytrap has no sense of taste.”
“You just HAD to take that thought further, didn’t you?”
“You saw that in Ronfar’s eyes, and certainly not mine.”
“And a little bit in Hiro’s eyes, but yeah…”
“Hiiirooo!”
“What?”
“What? There’s no maids in here. I feel cheated.”
“And now we’re getting weird hints too. Wind, huh?”
“Why not let our resident windbag handle that?”
“Nice of you to volunteer, Ruby, but don’t overexcert yourself.”
“I meant you, you pompous ass.”
“OK, so to defeat these, we have to basically rip off their clothes and beat them to death. There’s something very wrong with that.”
“Really shoddy maintenance work in this mansion. You’d almost think it was haunted or something.”
“My God… was that a joke? Please tell me you were joking, Hiro.”
“Well, I guess that just proves that we won’t be seeing any maids in this place.”
“Your single-mindedness amazes me, Ronfar. But not enough for me to keep from hurting you severely in just a few seconds.”
“…you’re dead.”
“Hiro, please please PLEASE don’t jinx us.”
“Besides, your voice sounds kind of familiar.”
“Do you think it could be….?”
“Naah!”
“What the hell is that?”
“You’re supposed to put her to sleep. …um, whooo!”
“That’s it! You’re that crazy hooded person, aren’t you?”
“I… uh, have no idea what you’re talking about… whooo!”
“OK, fine. Whatever! Just stop with the stupid ‘whooooo’ sounds, OK?”
“We’re supposed to FIGHT them? OK, that’s just wrong. They’re just children!”
“Well, let’s just settle this the easy way. I’m going to cast my sleep spell, and you spank them with your sword, Hiro.”
“Ugh… OK, fine. Have it your way, weirdo.”
“It…. worked.”
“I am beyond dumbfounded.”
“Ronfar, if it’s alright with you, I will never ever ask how you know to deal with this kind of situation.”
“You’ve never been a babysitter before?”
“SHUT UP!”
“I have no idea what’s going on, but my desire to rescue this world have just diminished greatly.”
“Well, thank you, little miss Obvious.”
“Don’t make me hurt you.”
“Oh, I’ve got 157 HP now, so give it your best shot, kitty.”
“Light on her feet? This girl has clearly not been exposed to Jean’s feet before.”
“That’s because she is not stupid. Creepy and vague, sure, but not a complete idiot.”
“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me. We’re fighting a brick wall now?”
“Hey, Jean, it’s time for your lethal karate fists of death.”
“You know, I do believe you are right?”
“Ow, not on ME. The wall, the wall.”
“Oh, so sorry. My mistake.”
“I like her.”
“OK, so we have another large, open room. And… what the hell is that?”
“Um… OK, how the hell are we supposed to fight THAT thing?”
“You apply a liberal amount of swords and fists and stuff, of course. What I don’t see is how that thing can be even remotely dangerous.”
“Ow, ow, ow. Speak for yourself. This attack hurts plenty.”
“Well, of course it’s going to hurt if you just stand around there like an idiot. Ever think about dodging?”
“Christ, you cut off its arms? It’s going to be spraying blood everywh-.. oh, it’s a machine?”
“And it’s still attacking. OK, HAVE AT YOU!”
“OK, now this is just getting silly.”
“Um… wow, total decapitation. I hope you’re enjoying yourselves, children.”
“Oh, it’s just a flesh wound.”
“THE BLACK KNIGHT ALWAYS TRIUMPHS!”
“What are you two idiots rambling about now?”
“He’s sure not triumphant now.”
“At least he’s still got a good head on his shoulders.”
“Oh, goodie. It’s finally time to unveil my FABULOUS face. Hello and welcome to your opportunity to give me a reason to follow you around for the rest of the game.”
“Durrh… what?”
“Did she… just break the fourth wall?”
“Wow, she’s cute, alright.”
“And blonde.”
“Exactly.”
“Yeah, well, blonde I may be, but I think you’ll notice that I’m not by far as dumb as that old guy over there. I’m pretty avaricious and greedy, though, so I hope that helps.”
“Um… sure. I mean… we’re just taking whatever we find in random chests all around this world, so who are we to judge?”
“Glad to hear it.”
“Well, I guess that settles it. Not that I mind, though; anyone not retarded is fine with me.”
“Yeah. Now if we could only find a replacement for Ronfar here, say… in one of the local temples or something, then we’ll be set. There’s bound to be someone somewhere.”
“*whew* I guess I’m safe, then.”
“Seriously? Now that is a very depressing thought.”
“Well, let’s go and sleep over in an inn before we cross the mountains.”
“I know of a good one.”
“OK, not this one. The ‘loser’ quota seems to be met here, so Ronfar can’t stay here.”
“That’s OK. He can just sleep outside.”
“It’s a cold, cold world, Hiro. What’s a poor man to do?”
“Well, it would have helped if you hadn’t tried to get one of the girls here to gamble their virginity away. That was a seriously bad move on your part.”
“Cold, cold world.”
“Alright, it’s time to get a-climbing.”
“Right behind you.”
“Ditto.”
“Ditto.”
“Ditto.”
“Me too.”
“Ooh, nice view.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I can see the forest for miles here.”
“It’s quite different from my world, that’s for sure.”
“What do you mean ‘nice view’? All I see is the rock wall.”
“Well, at least you don’t have to look at your own ass. It’s going to be a long time until I can manage to stomach food again.”
“Will you guys just shut up and get moving? We don’t have time for this.”
“Whoo boy.”
“OK, these are definitely the ickiest enemies I’ve seen so far.”
“Oh, but Grog Snake droppings will earn you a fortune on the marketplace in Nota.”
“I really didn’t need to know that.”
“Yikes, tread lightly, people. I don’t put much faith on a donut-shaped overhang.”
“Doesn’t worry me none.”
“It should, since if I fall, I will be grabbing on to the first thing within range.”
“Did we walk in on a joke or something? I can’t really see what would be worth laughing at.”
“I’m sure he just finds our ‘rag-tag party’ amusing for some reason.”
“Well, you gotta admit it’s kind of weird.”
“I don’t have to admit anything!”
“Um… that’s not how you hold a gun.”
“Ssssh, Ruby. Maybe we won’t have to fight him at all.”
“Dear God, it’s a ninja ranger.”
“Nice helmet, dude. Did you raid a viking village or something?”
“Well, at least he wasn’t particularly hard to fight off. Not that THAT will become really illogical later on or anything.”
“Didn’t you hear me? We need to go. NOW!”
“Are you sure you’re not hiding anything?”
*cough*
“Not really. I’m… uh, afraid of heights. Yeah, that’s it.”
“Er… why did we exit out of a cave? I thought we just came down from a mountain path.”
“You’re thinking too much about it. As long as I’m not losing money on it, I don’t care.”
“Life philosophy of the rich and famous…. and weird, blonde girls.”
“Now, this is nice. Why haven’t we gone and explored this area before, Ruby?”
“That might have something to do with the fact that grandpa would have caned your ass so hard, you wouldn’t have been able to walk anywhere. In fact, the reason we’ve been able to get this far is because he never thought to ask where we got that other eye.”
“I smell a moneymaking opportunity. Say, is there a post office nearby?”
“More importantly, is that a temple in the background that we basically shouldn’t be able to see? What are the odds that we’ll be ending up there eventually?”
“…nah! We don’t have any business there, so I see no reason why we should concern ourselves with that place. Besides, what could happen?”
“Alrighty, here we are, at what I assume is Nota. And wow, that bridge… thing… up there is the only way for us to cross, huh? I sure hope nothing bad will happen that prevents us from making the crossing. That would be very unfortunate.”
“I’m sorry, but you wouldn’t happen to have something a little bit more revolting than that? I haven’t had anything nearly making me throw up since that involuntary eyeful of Ronfar’s butt on the way up a mountainside.”
“Tons of money? Sweet! What? You just need my bank account number and for me to pay some banking fees and we’re all set? Sure, let me just talk to my personal banker. Oh, Jeeeeaaaan?”
“You want me to do what?”
*whispers*
“With my foot? Um… Lemina?”
*whispers*
“Yeah… I mean, no… but, Lemina, if I do that, he won’t be able to..”
*whispers*
“No, I’m sure he doesn’t need his spine that much just sitting there, but…”
*whispers*
“Well, yeah, but… no, sorry Lemina, but that’s taking it a bit far.”
“Oh, you’re no fun.”
“Oh, wow. Who could have guessed that Leo would drop by and make things difficult for us?”
“Well, what choice did we have?”
“One that you aren’t going to like.”
“Bulgy’s magic what?”
“Jean, PLEASE tell me that wasn’t an euphemism! I’ve still to scrub Ronfar’s horrible ‘honey pot’ remark off my brain, so I can’t handle another one this early.”
“Well, no, it’s not what it sounds like. Um… it’s like… yeah, I’ll show you when we get there.”
“Ew!”
“I’m afraid to say the source of that smell is you, old man. Or… well, whatever you’ve been smoking. As for the lights…”
“Well, here we are, although for the record, I’m not looking forward to this.”
“Oh, quiet! I told you it’s not what you think.”
“Oh, no. Oh, HELL no. I love you like my own daughter, Jean, but you’re not getting me to travel with that thing.”
“But we really need to use it right away. Leo kind of came and made a mess of things at Nota, so we’ve pretty much out of options.”
“Well, I’ll ask Bulgy to prepare it…. but I’m NOT getting into that death contraption. Seriously, girl.”
“INTERVENTION TIME! I’m here to create a crisis.”
“Well, of course we don’t have anyone looking like that here. As long as you don’t look back in the front of the wagon caravan, you’ll see I’m right.”
“OK, I believe you, which is why I won’t search this place thoroughly even though I’ve done so everywhere else.”
“*whew* Thank the Goddess for idiots.”
“..but more importantly, it’s not the least bit sexy. Go and change into something a little bit more…. comfortable.”
“Oh, you… anyway, Giban has a point. You really should try something that looks like it’s far less protective against the cold.”
“Oh, I can walk around naked in blizzards, so that’s not a problem. So OK. Anyway, what ‘statements’ should I make.”
“Well, definitely something that says ‘I’m freaking hot and I know it’.”
“OK, let’s have some fun.”
“Nnnno, I don’t think we’ll be aiming for the moe angle here. And, just… ew. That bow just looks ridiculous.”
“Um… ruby, have you taken a look at your own head?”
“Well… no, not really. What’s your point?”
“Oh… nothing.”
“Well… at least it’s better than the first costume.”
“Yeah, but… if Leo ever sees that, he probably won’t ever be able to decide whether to arrest her or propose on the spot.”
“….I KNEW it!”
“OK, now this is just getting ridiculous.”
“And green.”
“Yeah, but… that’s beside the point.”
“There’s nothing to see, really. They’re just making her try on these stupid outfits. I’m beginning to think this peeping thing wasn’t such a good idea after all.”
“Oh man, and here I wanted to see her naked again.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk. Did you drag Lucia in here just so you could ridicule her?”
“N-no, of course not. Anyway, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to kick you anyway.”
“Yeah, sure. Hide your shame with violence.”
“Well, there’s that, but I’m mostly hoping to inflict memory loss on both of you.”
“You have the nerve to ask me something like that after beating us half to death and… and…”
“…uh, what were we talking about again? I mean… wowza.”
“We finally get you into normal clothes, and NOW you feel strange. Lucia, you are one weird woman.”
“I am in love all over again.”
“Um.. thank you, sir. I’m sure you meant that in a completely innocent and non-lustful way.”
*cough* “Of course.”
“Yeah, you can call it what you want, but I’m having it on my gravestone anyway.”
“Oh, pish posh. This will go just fine.”
“Then please tell me why that thing has barf bags and a bible.”
“Oh, just in case.”
“Heeeelp!”
“Oh God, this was not the direction we were supposed to be going. In fact, we seem to be heading straight towards that ruin we passed by earlier.”
“*urp*… oh, no. Give me one of those bags. FAST!”
“That ride was enough of a riot without you doing that, Lemina.”
“Wow, you go, Lucia. That was pretty good sarcasm.”
“What’s sarcasm?”
“…OK, forget I said that.”
“Um… not that I’m a suspiciously non-human girl or anything. I’ll… just open this ancient seal discreetly now.”
“I am SO railroading you into my guild.”
“What the hell is that?”
“Looks like someone has dismantled a Rubic’s Cube and put the core piece on display.”
“Probably a ‘sore loser’s art faire’ or something.”
“Looks like a movie projector to me.”
“Right you are, Jean. In fact, let’s see what’s on.”
“What the hell was that? The world’s biggest tank shooting down heaven’s dinnerplate?”
“Whatever it was, it looked EEEVIL! I wonder if the creator of this will step forth.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Why would he… or she… do that?”
“And that’s the place you want us to join? You’re joking, I’m sure.”
“Well… it’s getting better.”
“I’ll believe that when I see it.”
“Hush. Someone is coming.”
“Yes, indeed, it is I; Ghaleon.”
*facefaults*
“Now, where have I heard that before?”
“Never mind that. I could have crushed you all right now, but I’m not going to, because then it would all be over. Instead, I’ll just gloat and move along after revealing my evil plan.”
“Oh, pooh. You’re just like all other evil minions.”
“And that’s why you’re still alive, my little premier. Enjoy it while you can… MOUHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Touche… I guess.”
And so, the evil plan was revealed, and our rag-tag™ group of heroes are all in a bit of a fix. What will happen next, as despair sets in and our friends become aware of the huge undertaking they have to… well, take. What are their thoughts on all this?
“Thanks for sharing, dumbass.”