Chapter 3: Out of the poopdeck and into the great bear pooping grounds.
“You will not escape. I’ll make you bend over and take it like a man.”
“You must not have seen me naked yet.”
“Don’t tempt me, foul sorceress. I will not fall prey to your wiley… uh, wiles.”
“Wow, even I thought that was rather stuffy. Loosen up, you horny devil.”
“That’s an awful joke.”
“What’s a joke?”
“STOP THAT!”
In the mean time…
“Now this is one FABulous mace. Just the thing to go sneaking around a ship in the night.”
“I’m rather partial to the green armor piece myself. And man, would Lucia ever look great in that other piece that sort of looks like a chestplate-and-thong combo.”
“Weren’t you wearing that one up until now?”
“Shhh, Ruby.”
“And after this, I think we’ll be needing to go up to the temple. I just got some awful images to cleanse out of my head.”
“Gah! Stay back, foul mental images.”
“Hmm. What’s this? It says ‘copyright Universal Studios’. What does that mean?”
“It means you should probably not put it on your finger.”
“Well, gee… let me think about that for a second.”
“Calling doctor Holmes. We have an open-and-shut case here.”
“Let’s see… free-to-use statue outside gets destroyed. Shrine donations skyrockets when citizens turn to the only other statue available. And the only person to actually put two and two together without getting OVER 9000 is a little girl? Did we stumble over the port city for complete idiots by mistake here?”
“How’s about a little gamble instead? You could… um, double your income.”
*whispering* “Or ours.”
“Now, now, Ruby. Leave the poor, old fool alone.”
“Which one?”
“H-hey, that’s rude.”
“Alrighty, then. Time to put operation rescue into motion.”
“So… how are we going to do that?”
“By barging right in, of course. It’s not like these guys are trained soldiers or anything.”
“Um… actually, they are. In fact, let’s hope we won’t run into Leo. At this stage in the game, he would wipe the floor with us. Or his ass. So if we do run into him, let’s pray it’s the floor that’s in need of a good cleaning.”
“Ew. What is it with boys and poopie-related jokes?”
“Hey, if the shoe fits…”
“Eugh! I’m pretty sure I read somewhere about this book; a part of the ‘too much information’ series.”
“So says the guy who likes his Escargotgo raw and wriggling.”
“And speaking of ‘too much information’…”
“Oh crap! What’s the odds of us getting out of this unscathed?”
“You talk as if you are the one who’s going to do any fighting.”
“Oh, hush. I do my part.”
“Yeah, but you don’t level up like the rest of us. Fat lot of good 3HP’s worth of damage’ll do us later.”
“You want to feel that damage personally, you snotty bastard?”
“Then again, maybe this won’t be so hard after all. And these guys are part of the white guard? I’m a mere level 14, for pete’s sake.”
“Um… go you… I guess.”
“This guy is a poopie fanatic too. Boys!”
“Well, I smell something, and it ain’t roses. Exit, stage north.”
“Now there’s a noble cause. It’s certainly not raising any alarms about the nobility of the Goddess once known for singing and dancing, that’s for sure.”
“So… who’s up for becoming a wanted person?”
“Way ahead of you, pal.”
“Alrighty, we’re finally getting to the bottom of this.”
“This better not segue into a poopie joke, Ronfar?”
“Perish the thought, my little kitty.”
“Well, good. I would hate to have to hurt you.”
“I shall not be defecated so easily. Now, let us not remain constipated. We should hurry and rescue Lucia and return to the poop deck so we can leave this ship posterior haste.”
“Hee hee.”
“Aaaargh! DIE NOW!”
“Human? Do you see this thing in my forehead? That’s not something you normally see on human beings.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“Ask me if I care. You will be hanged tomorrow at noon anyway, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.”
“Well, I guess you’re not human after all. My mistake.”
“Touche.”
“Yep. Never let the curve of a hip sway you. Then, they’ll realize you’re not gay and you won’t be as popular with the ladies. It’s common strategy, my good man. Now, meet me in my cabin in ten minutes for… *cough* …combat training.”
“I knew he was going to say that. Dammit, Hiro!”
“Um… we’re just going to a city. Where’s the excitement in that?”
“No, no, no. This will be anything but boring. I can feel it.”
“Actually, what you’re ‘feeling’ is Ronfar trying to steal your wallet.”
“You’re no fun.”
“Um… guys? Someone’s coming. Hide.”
“Ronfar, how could you? I thought we were best buddies?”
“Sorry, Leo, old pal, but I’m running with Hiro now. I find his youthful vigor inspiring.”
“That’s strange. My attraction level towards these two just shot through the roof. I wonder why.”
“And so, another piece of my innocence died horribly. Can we please go now?”
“Finally.”
“Well, that was unpleasant. What’s up with the ‘wanting to hunt me down and kill me’ thing?”
“Don’t look at me and Hiro. We’re basically hermits. Ronfar?”
“Yeah, I guess I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”
“And how did you plan on succeeding with that? Last I saw, Hiro is a good deal stronger than you. Plus, in a pinch, I can do up to 3 points of damage.”
“I was kidding, OK? Besides, if I told you now, there’ll be less things to discover later on. Trust me, it’ll be a doozie once we get there.”
“I don’t like the sound of that.”
“That sounds like a good ide-wait, ILLUSION woods? You! Explain! Now!”
“Relax. It’s just a weird maze. Nothing to get worked up about.”
“Either way, it’s better than standing around here waiting for Leo to come clean up his backside with our hides. Can we please go now?”
“Well, here we are. What now?”
“We enter it, of course.”
“On a side note, try guessing why I can’t seem to stop gambling. If you guessed ‘naggy idiots’, award yourself a pat on the back.”
“And he lost that bet, of course. Oh well, at least we can pass through the woods now. Say…. wanna know what that hole reminds me of?”
“Open your mouth and die, Ronfar.”
“Ruby is cranky, isn’t she?”
“Yeah, well…”
“Now, did I forget any other kinds of houses? No? Well, what are you standing around like idiots for? Get to work!”
“Goblins and monkeys. What have you gotten us into now, Ronfar?”
“Stop complaining. At least there’s not any bears here.”
“Maybe they’re off taking a…”
“Lucia, for the love of the Goddess, do NOT finish that sentence, OK? I’ve had enough of this crap for one day.”
“Hee hee. Good one, Ruby.”
:facepalm:
“What the hell is this?”
“Holy smoke. I don’t know who that is, but she is HOT!”
“And so will you be in just a few seconds. Literally.”
“That’s an odd outfit. I don’t see how she can be very warm with something like that.”
“No, that’s not what he was trying to… uh, actually, never mind.”
“Did we just get called strange by a bunch of travelling clowns and circus artists? Wow, there’s no recouping from that, I guess.”
“Haha, touche! So, who are you guys?”
“We’re fugitives on the run from the law. Lucia there is actually conspiring to destroy the world.”
“What? No, no, that’s not true. Leo’s the one who keeps saying that.”
“Lucia, he was joking.”
“What’s a ‘joke’?”
“Well, you for one.”
“Um… guys?”
“Ah, yeah… sorry. No, we’re just travellers passing through. Anyway, what’s that?”
“OK, forget I asked.”
“Oh, really. Sounds like ‘dark past’ material to me. Good to know.”
“On a side note; Ronfar, shut the hell up.”
“I guess he just likes big butts.”
“And now she’s a scantily clad and hella sexy lady. Good job, my man.”
“Thank you. I bet you must be the joker in your little entourage.”
“Well, I try my be-..HEY!”
“Haha, you got BURNED! And not by me for a change.”
“Hey, wanna know what that reminds me of?”
“NO!”
“Yikes! What’s with the sudden tentacle abductions?”
“I don’t know, but… no-one steals our chicks… and lives!”
“Well, I guess that’s my cue to join you guys. Got room for a dancer?”
“A dancer? Er… I dunno. Let’s ask around some instead.”
“On second thought…. Jean?”
“Oh dear, oh dear. It looks like we got some work to do.”
“Yeah! Seriously…. level 5?”
“Lucia, the Rocky soundtrack, if you please.”
“The what?”
“Eye of the tiiiiger…” 
“Alright, now we’re talking.”
“Uh oh. A large open area. I’m feeling some bad vibes here.”
“Bossfight, you think?”
“I wonder what kinds of horrors this game has in store for us. I’ve never fought bosses before.”
“Ewww. It’s full of tentacles and bumps and… just ew!”
“I think it’s about to morph. Ugh, it’s going to become even uglier than this?”
“W-whoa! Come to daddy, sugar.”
“Getting…harder…to…focus…”
“…..”
“Boys!”
“Noooo! Not the sexy plant girl.”
“She was going to kill us and probably eat us, you moron!”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“It IS a bad thing! Have the death worms already eaten your brain?”
“No, but….”
“Actually, Hiro’s the one who knows thunder spells. All you did was blow hot air.”
“I thought that was your job, miss three-points-of-damage.”
“Oh, you’re asking for it, bud.”
“I’ve got 150 HP, so take your time. It’s not like you have any choice or anything.”
“Oh, your dark past. But Jean, I don’t think there’s any chance that we’d just STUMBLE upon your dark past just like that.”
“Hey, you never know.”
“Hiro, remind me again why we even returned to this guy?”
“Motivation? More specifically, motivating to get the hell out of here as soon as we can.”
“Point to you, I guess.”
“There’s that dark karate of death again. Is there’s something you aren’t telling us, Jean?”
“Oh, um… nothing. No, really.”
“Finally out of that nightmare.”
“I dunno… that plant girl was kind of hot.”
“Don’t you start with me.”
And it is here, at the end of the forest, that we round off this chapter. Obviously, what with the origin of the party and its members, hard choices will have to be made in the near future. Choices with grave consequences, to which the fate of the world and the many people in it will rest on their shoulders. Tough choices, hard choices… they have to be made.
“Hmmm, OK… Village or mansion for the night. Let’s make it a majority vote.”