Chapter 1: Naked you came.
“Out of the frying, crushing pan, past the pompous dork and into the sharkpond. That’s just great.”
“Ya know, these sharks look more like dolphins than real sharks. They even fire sound waves at me when they poke their heads up from the sand dunes. Sure makes me feel like a heel for killing them off by the truckloads just for the sake of getting in some killin’ experience.”
“Hey, we gotta eat, and fish is fish.”
“Grandpa, we’re home, and we brought fresh fish. And… uh, did you shrink our house again? What’s our bathtub doing outside?”
“Hush, boy! Get inside our makeshift cabin right away. And wipe the sand off on the grass. Oh, what level are you now, by the way?”
“I’m level 2, grandpa.”
“What?! Level 2? Why, when I was a kid, we had to go slogging through the desert until we were at least level 27. Bah, you kids today and your lax attitude to your skills. Now, get back out in the desert and don’t come back until you are at LEAST level 5, you hear?”
“Oh, alright grandpa, you senile old bastard.”
“LEVEL 6!”
“Eeeugh! Well, this is — literally — another fine mess I’ve gotten myself into. And mud vomit on my new travel clothes too.”
“Oh man, this is going to hurt.”
“Are you sure it’s not your BO again? When was the last time you took a bath?”
“Well, I think that was a week ago, but… NEVER MIND THAT! Go up to the lookout tower right away.”
“OK, OK.”
“Grandpa, I really don’t feel like singing ‘when you wish upon a star’ right now. This Ghepetto fetish complex needs to stop.”
“That’s not a star, you numbskull. That’s something landing into the blue spire. Remember when Leo visited, ranting about destroyers and whatnot? If that really is a destroyer, don’t you think we should be there, getting underfoot and into trouble? I’m sure we won’t be completely out of our league or anything. Hell, I’m still level 3, even though I’m ten times as old as you.”
“I’m level 6 now, grandpa.”
“Well, good. That means you get to eat before we go.”
“Weee, I’m a real boy now.”
“Hiro, just…. ew!”
“Well, grandpa, I hope you’re ready for getting puked at and your eardrums exploding from Sand Shark Sonic Waves, because this is going to take a while.”
“Not to worry, m’boy. I’m getting level 3 on their asses.”
“Mudheads don’t HAVE asses, grandpa.”
“I’m still going to grab one of those sharks and WHALE on their behinds. Ohoho.”
“….”
“What?”
“OK, so here we are, m’boy. Ready to do some spelunking?”
“Ready and willing, grandpa. Do we have a plan?”
“Sure do. It’s my patented ‘three step plan to success’:
1. Wing it.
2. ???
3. Success.”
“……”
“What is it, m’boy?”
“Remind me again how you got to live to old age.”
“Well, it’s a good thing these are statues, and not things that might wake up at any given moment of terror. They might give us a whole lot of trouble when we leave this place. IF we leave this place.”
“Pah! Enough with your optimism, boy. Now, let’s get to work on the doorway that’s made up of a head with lots of sharp teeth. Let’s get that maw open.”
“Out of the fire and into the teeth, huh?”
“Shush now. Anyway, to open the door, we need to poke it in the eyes.”
“It doesn’t HAVE eyes.”
“Well, then we put the eyes IN there and THEN poke them. Do I have to think of everything?”
“You know how to think?”
“Wow, that is a spire, alright.”
“I told you so, m’boy. Besides, we could see that spire every day from my lookout tower, so what’s the problem?”
“Nothing we won’t find out in a little while.”
“Crystl Knight? What is this, the Dynsty?”
“If you think that’s bad, m’boy, then don’t think too hard on which bodypart he attacks you with.”
“I’m just glad he has no legs, or it would really look wrong.”
“Ah, finally at the top. And man, the Blue Star looks just smokin’. Not to mention large. Remind me again, grandpa, why we’re not being torn apart by gravital forces.”
“A wizard, of course. You ask too many questions.”
“Ooh, green jello buns. They look delicious.”
“Be careful. They pack quite a bite.”
“Grandpa, that’s just lame. Surely you could have come up with… OWTCH!”
“I warned you.”
“I don’t like you.”
“So we have, grandpa. So we have. So, where do we find this destroyer?”
“I don’t know. Let’s look around.”
” :facepalm: ”
“You know, grandpa, it would help if you did more than just walk between two spots in the lower area of the room.”
“Who do you think I am? The main character? Now, stop being an ungrateful punk and help me to look around.”
“Hmm. Well, nothing here. But hey, what’s that around the wall I can’t really see through? Let’s go and have a look.”
“That would fall under the assumption that he knew what we were looking for, or even that he’s been here before. Which he hasn’t since it was our Indiana-Jonesing around at the opening that got us here. Now quiet, Ruby.”
“W-what just happened here? Kansas? Where the hell is that?”
“I don’t know. I just… hey, what’s that?”
“It’s a weird crystal thing. Floating in a weird contraption. Ruby, do you think something will suddenly happen that will be the start of a long and perilous journey where the fate of the world rests in our hands?”
“No way, Hiro. Besides, I don’t have hands.”
“BOOBS! I am in looove.”
“Snap out of it, Hiro. She’s not even a C-cup, for crying out loud.”
“Yeah, but… she’s NAKED! I think she’s one of those girls I’ve been hearing so much about. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of those before.”
“Hiro, you seriously need to get out more.”
“Oh dang, she’s wearing clothes now. Booooring.”
“Um… who are you?”
“I am Lucia, mysterious girl with seemingly no personality. I seek Althena.”
“Did I mention that I’m in love?”
“Hush, Hiro. Althena? Last I heard, she’s in another castle. Try Pentagulia. I hear all the religious nutjobs live there.”
“OK. Well, I’m off.”
“Hush, Ruby. Say, pretty lady, why don’t you just hang with us instead?”
“Well, I’m on a very important mission, and you just gave me the name of my destination, but… OK.”
“Sweet. Score one for Hiro.”
“Hiro, you are such an…. idiot. Anyway, let’s get out of here.”
“There you are, m’boy. And… whoo, where did you pick up a sweet number like this?”
“Her name is Lucia, grandpa. She came out of a crystal.”
“Sounds more like you’ve been smoking crystals to me. What are you trying to fool me with now?”
“It’s true, Grandpa.”
“Yeah, whatever. Now that we’ve localized the destroyer, let’s just get out of here and into trouble. And Lucia, seeing as we’ll be going into danger, I hope you know how to defend yourself.”
“Sweet Jesus, she’s crazy powerful. And man, she’s got 150 HP too. That’s just insane.”
“Just be glad you didn’t get to see her naked. I don’t think your heart could have taken that.”
“Naked? Is there something you’re not telling your grandpa, m’boy?”
“Um… nothing. Just… yeah, nothing.”
“I see it’s time we had ourselves a little talk soon, m’boy.”
*whimpers*
“You think? What tipped you off? Her crazy powerful spells, her clothes or the fact that she’s levitating far off the ground and mumbling about Althena?”
“Hiro, I don’t think he’s listening. It might have something to do with that, or it might have something to do with the fact that she’s levitating so high up that grandpa can look straight up into her hoo-hah.”
“Wh… what? Wait, grandpa. I saw her first?”
“…..”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Gah! What’s going on? Where’s this ultra-manly, yet villainous voice coming from?”
“I don’t know, but it sure can’t be from the fruitiest, gayest villain ever put to game until he’ll later be dethroned by Sepiroth and his mommy complex.”
“Well, I guess we won’t learn what he looks like yet, but man… those crystals we smoked have seriously start to kick in. Awesome trippin’, Ruby. Look, Lucia has already passed out.”
“Hiro, please tell me this is a bad trip. Please tell me we won’t be heading off to confront evil.”
“Sorry, Ruby. You heard the man. Well, “man”. But hey, maybe we’ll meet some REAL dragons along the way.”
“…..”
“What?”
“Asshole!”
“Oh crap. Looks like the worm-man has awakened, and he brought his rapestick. This is going to hurt.”
“Don’t expect me to be of any help, though. I’ve been reduced to only one HP, so if it’s alright, I’ll just cower in the background from now on.”
“Oh, come on. Can’t you at least occasionally run to the front and do a pussy-handed little slap?”
“Oh, alright.”
“Oh, come ON. We fought down one of those rather easily, so now they throw these three at us? This might even take a little bit of time.”
“W-what happened? Who FIRED HIS LAZOR, SHOOP-DE-WOOP!?”
“That would be me. Oh, hey, who’s that?”
“Oh, she’s not suspicious at all. The real destroyer is inside.”
“Ah, OK. I’ve already had the destroyer’s look described to me, and she looks suspiciously much like that girl, but I’ll just be fooled anyway and run inside. That way I can have some fun for half of the game chasing after you and give you lots of extra dungeons to crawl.”
“That works for me.”
“You hangin’ up well back there, Lucia?”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me you were living in a freaking desert? Do you think I chose dark red, all-covering clothing for fun? I live in an icy hell, you know?”
“Hey, I would have liked you walking around naked too. Don’t blame me?”
“…..”
“What?”
“Pervert.”
” ‘Lay her down somewhere’, huh, grandpa? OK, sure, I got you, wink, wink. Say no more.”
“Hiro, you… you… remind me again why I never disowned you.”
“Because I’m such a lovable grandson?”
“…I need a drink.”
“You’re… Unghh? I thought you said your name was Lucia?”
“…..”
“What?”
“Just kill me now, please.”
“No can do. I smell adventure in the air, and that’s why we need you alive. Besides, I want to see you naked again some time.”
“Well, anyway, m’boy. It doesn’t look like I can do anything about this kind of curse, so I’m sending you away to a gambling town full of thieves to find a young man. I’m sure he can do what I, with all my life experience, can’t do, because that makes perfect sense. Here, let me prepare some means of transportation for you.”
“Nice boat.”
“…..”
“I am going to hurt you now, Hiro. I’m not sure when I’ll stop.”
And so, our group of ragtag adventurers set out to battle evil, though they scarcely knew it at the time. Probably. Anyway, stay tuned for the next part.
“Hey, I didn’t even get a part in this chapter. What’s up with that?”
“Oh, stop complaining. You’ll be with us from the next chapter, which is a damn sight more screentime than most of the main characters, including me.