Chapter 9: Bridge under troubled borders.
“Well, given that every single building here is completely smashed, I’d say so. Fortunately, nobody was killed, right? And only one woman was kidnapped?”
“And she was an outsider to boot, so I’m sure she wouldn’t have contributed squat if asked, right?”
“Eh, it doesn’t sound THAT terrible.”
“I think he meant terribly dangerous.”
“Ooooh yeah. Yeah.”
“Iceland! Iceland sounds good right about now.”
“We can go visit Erik Njorl and read his saga.”
“Yes. Especially since that wasn’t the first time.”
“She’s the hollaback girl of this world.”
“But never unarmed.”
“That’s more of a ’cause and effect’ explanation, though, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, well… you know, that old ‘something something spin wool’ thing.”
“No idea what you’re talking about.”
“All I’m saying is this: with all of these useless twits about, it’s no wonder I learned how to fight.”
“Now THAT I can relate to.”
“I don’t know about you, but I would put him in the most solid, escape-proof cell in the castle.”
“Asshole wrecked a whole town, though. Is there a jail that can hold him?”
“A coffin?”
“We might need to train some first, though. Last time we met, he almost put US in a coffin.”
“It’s all about you, isn’t it?”
“No, I… what?”
“Oh, look at me; I am a woman and I overestimated my ability. Oh my oh my oh my.”
“I… don’t know if you’re poking fun at me or at everyone in this damn castle.”
“You could always give me the benefit of the doubt, you know.”
“Oh, look who’s being sarcastic now.”
“And the King didn’t pick up on it either.”
“What?!”
“Well, then you should return immediately.”
“Bye bye.”
“Gades can wait.”
“I don’t think he’s going to, though.”
“Eh, it’ll be fine.”
“But…”
“GO SEE YOUR SISTER ALREADY!”
“That’s… a rather vague statement. Who’s helping who? Both? Neither?”
“Maybe it just means we’ll continue to walk around talking to people and doing battles. You know, just another day on the job.”
“Hunting keys….”
“Maybe we should’ve created a key counter or something.”
“You DID notice she was talking to me too, right?”
“Yeah, but unlike me, you kind of have a career going.”
“Oh, I’m sure I can live without the King passing important missions past me and on to random strangers who drop by for a visit for a while.”
“True, but with you gone, who’ll protect these people?”
“Well, that’s… um… a good question.”
“Well… let’s just call it a ‘good opportunity to gain some actual experience’.”
“You use a sword?”
“Well… yes.”
“That’s odd. Your battle anim.. uh, I mean… it looks like you’re holding a wand or a staff… or maybe a mace or a club.”
“Well, that’s because they can’t make a sprite for each different weap.. uh, I mean… I dunno.”
“Aaanyway, you know… you gotta have awesome powers.”
“Yep! Awesome powers are where it’s at.”
“Not to mention awesome weapons.”
“Yes, we are certainly not lacking in awesome.”
“So, how much is left? 5%? 10?”
“I’ll put you at 7,235 remaining, but only because you’re good people.”
“Sweet. The increased payment rate is paying off. Maybe after one more dangerous mission….”
“And now that we’ve cleared out the tower itself, we can pass.”
“Funny how that works.”
“There’s our next town.”
“Now if only we could enter and talk with people without being asked to-.. DAMN IT!”
“North cave, huh? Maybe we should start some kind of betting ring; make things a bit more exciting. We can bet money on whether our next dungeon will be a tower, temple or an underground cave. And we can also take bets on the direction.”
“Let’s hear it from the businesswoman.”
“You know it.”
“Actually… they’re both behind me. Which isn’t a statement from me about women’s place in the whole system, by the way.”
“Ugene needs to be careful with that axe, that’s what I’m saying.”
“Well, let’s just hope he doesn’t try to hatch it with a hatchet. His chances of a happy ending would be cut short.”
“It will quite literally be axed.”
“Well, I guess we have no choice now.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”
“Oh, really?”
“Well, we ARE missing a fourth party member right now.”
*mutter* “Preferably someone who would take Selan away.”
“What was that?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“I’ve heard about the need to build a bridge so you can cross water, but this has got to be the first time I am going to see a bridge UNDER the water.”
“Would that be because you just got here? I imagine that as long as the bridge was OK, you would remain safely in town.”
“Elementary, my dear Maxim.”
“Oh well, nothing to do but partake in some good, old-fashioned cave genocide.”
“You’re going to kill all the caves? You monster!”
“Well, better them than me. And if we get them all, we won’t have to go dungeon-delving again, right?”
“True… true…”
“Maxim, the easily amused.”
“The stake on the riverbank goes up and down, up and down, up and down….”
“I’m not sure if that song sounds like something you could use to entertain children or if it’s more like the first line of a limerick.”
“Hey, girls. I just found regain.”
“….right.”
“I didn’t know you had a problem with thinning hair, Maxim.”
“That’s REgain. RE! GAIN!”
“I’m sure you will, Maxim, but I’m not sure it’s worth it due to the side effects.”
“I guess this would be the pole in question.”
“Let’s hookshot ourselves over and get moving.”
“Yyyyes, this is… uh…”
“Hi-Magic? I guess it’s no miracle.”
“Well, at least we can refill our green bar now.”
“Green bar? Is that like an enviromentally friendly booze hut?”
“No. And that sounds kind of contradictory, doesn’t it?”
“For some reason, I expected this door to have a keyhole.”
“This world is doing strange things to us. Strange, pavlovian things.”
“Tell me about it. It’s like… completing a cave without having heard the sound of a key being turned just feels… wrong.”
“So, what are we missing?”
“A chest?”
“An enemy?”
“A slightly cracked wall?”
“…a hole in the floor?”
“Yes, now that Tia fell down, all is right with the world.”
“Sure, why not? I hear leaps of faith are all the rage these days. Also, you have lots of hopping experience.”
v “Um… are we on the same wavelength here?”
“I don’t even know what’s going on. I fell down, and now you are here. That’s about it.”
“This conversation just gets stranger and stranger by the minute.”
“She’s stealing my ideas and improving upon them, that’s what’s happening here.”
“Or a hole.”
“Is this some kind of running joke?”
“No, it’s a falling joke.”
“Must be the diminished returns.”
“Yes, I did. And?”
“Uh… yeah, I got nothing.”
*And possibly if I actually actively pursued you.*
*…..*
*Naaaah.*
“Oh hey, looks like we just found the main hall of Club Genocide.”
“Time to put on our party shoes and get our murderin’ groove on.”
“Yep, there’s nothing quite like solving our problems through mass murder.”
“Haven’t we met these guys before?”
“Not that I know, but conspiracy theorists might disagree.”
“OK, I don’t much mind the stairs, since we are apparently returning to the surface, but these stairs are illogical. Shouldn’t they point the other way each time we arrive in another room?”
“Yeah, that… kind of bothered me too. You know, despite this not really hurting us in any way.”
“Except in the logic section.”
“Which is to say we destroyed all the monsters down there. Monsters that would respawn if we left any of the rooms, so I guess technically they’re back. Or something. But anyway….”
“Bridge. Fix. Now. I mean, seriously, you didn’t even do that when there were NO monsters up here? They spent all of their time downstairs, so you could just have fixed this bridge and nobody would’ve bothered you.”
“What the… that’s the reason you wanted us over there, isn’t it? But if that was the case, why did you have us go downstairs to kill everything?”
“He’s probably some kind of antagonist fetishist or something. Or he’s having fantasies of being a mob boss or something.”
“That’s a nice bridge you’re building there, buddy. Would be a shame if something were to happen to it.”
“You know, Tia; back when I spent most of my life murdering slimes for selling, even then I didn’t feel like my time was wasted as much.”
“I know, right? I’m actually having the first adventure of my life, and even I thought this cleaning out the monsters thing was… beyond a waste of time. I actually feel bad about this.”
“And just as the discussion ends, we’re under attack.”
“But this time, we’re the ones under attack, right? We can defend ourselves against… uh, a golem and a clay pile?”
“How does clay turn green anyway?”
“Or sentient?”
“Well, at least we’re not meeting a snow golem here, because that would make no sense.”
“We’re a little tied up at the moment, but just give us a minute, and we’ll have someone come and show you the ropes.”
“It’s a kinky town.”
“Well, tie me to a tree and call me a hippie, guys, but how about we get inside?”
“I am NOT a guy.”
“OK, OK, sorry. Guys and… girls? Is there a good female example for the casual term ‘guys’?”
*shrug* “I dunno.”
“Um… yeah, you beat up, like… one guy. Who is most likely not the guy they’re talking about, since he looks like the other guards in this place.”
“Looks like this town also follows the ‘only redheads can apply’ rule for town guardship.”
“Only men too. The women can only run stores or become maids.”
“Oh, really? I’m just going to have to challenge that statement later.”
“I guess that’s what you would call ‘male bonding’.”
“I don’t know about you two, but I think this guy is hilarious.”
“I like a man who’s funny, you know. I’m pretty sure most women do.”
“…..”
“Heh. Yeah, that wasn’t really transparent or anything.”
“In my… is this… please tell me that wasn’t meant as innuendo.”
“Uh… if you think a foot to the face counts as innuendo, then yes, it is.”
“Urgh!”
“The only thing you need to perfect this move is my super duper beans and pea stew.”
“EWWWW!”
“I… don’t… know if I should still be amused or if I’m just getting fed up with it.”
“Me too.”
“Me three.”
“……”
“Where do I even start?”
“Well, it WAS amusing…”
“…at first.”
“It irks me how you two sync up so well with your conversations. It’s almost like you’re married already.”
“What was that?”
“Um… nothing.”
With enemies converging on the places just visited, our team of heroes wonder about the new encounters they will make. What kind of characters will they meet?
“….uh.”
“That was… anticlimactic.”
“We’re going to go for the dumb guy, aren’t we?”
“Yep. Bean and pea stew and all.”
“Um… you know I can hear you, right?”