Chapter 5: HEY GUY!
“Oh my God… can you believe this? Did we step into a sibling fight or something?”
“Cook and cl-.. what does that have to do with… are you seeing this, Tia?”
“I am.”
“I am so… stumped. Who doesn’t know how to wash clothes?! It’s not hard, people!”
“……”
“What’sa matter, Maxim? Cat got your tongue?”
“No, I mean WHAT?! As in ‘what the hell are you doing’? Is there any reason why you chose to involve me in this childish, stupid freaking argument that even you didn’t have any reason to take part in? And stop throwing this patronizing passive-aggressive BS on me when I have never EVER EVER told you what you can and can’t do, mostly because I have no goddamn interest in telling you how to live your life or get involved in your petty, unnecessary fights. Or someone elses.”
“Are you done?”
“For now.”
“Aaaand they’re friends again. Yeah, that wasn’t a huge waste of time at all.”
“Are you saying it’s a bad thing that they’re friends again?”
“No, I’m saying it’s a bad thing that this whole stupid argument happened in the first place. My God….”
“OK, OK, we get it.”
“I got some stress and frustrations that I need to get out of my system.”
“Sounds lovely.”
“IT SHOULDN’T! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO STARTED ALL THIS BY OPENING YOUR BIG MOUTH, YOU FREAKING IDIOT!”
“I’m just… going with it, because I will pop a vein if I don’t.”
“There’s no reason to be mad, Maxim.”
“YES, THERE IS!”
“Um… yeah. It sure is. And it’s not like I’d know either, since neither of the spells come with the MP cost along with it.”
“Yeah. I hate it when people treat us like idiots.”
“That’s… rich, coming from you.”
“You’re not going to let that go, are you?”
“Uh… ‘flash’? So, what does that spell do? And do I have to wear a grey trenchcoat and an unnerving grin to use it?”
“Oh, it’s just a lightning spell. That’s… disappointing.”
“And both of us can use it too.”
“In your case, though; it’ll be more of a control spell.”
“The power of boobs compel you.”
“Heheh. So, the guy who can’t wash his own clothes apparently has a fanclub in this place.”
“Maybe the grimy, unwashed look is in here in.. uh, what was the name of this place again? Tanbel?”
“Yep. He sure is liked… uh, by everyone outside of his age range. Ouch!”
“Yes, this must be huge bars of dynamite. And they’re… shaped like arrows?”
“Somebody call the Knight Sabers. Big ones have been sighted.”
“Yeah, I got my pocket full of boomers, so let’s do this.”
“And I got a rocket in my pocket.”
“Boys.”
“Well… unless you were talking about that rocket. Keep that one in your pants, boy.”
“Oooh, unintentional homoerotica. That’s so freaking hot!”
“Your girlfriend is weird, man.”
“She’s… not my girlfriend.”
“Really? I mean.. you fought like a couple.”
“That’s… oh, Christ, is this normal for you guys?”
“Yeah. How do you think I became the strongest guy in the village?”
“I’d… rather not follow that train of thought.”
“How the hell was our argument — or yours — ‘the fun part’?”
“Selling your name for cheap these days, aren’t you?”
“Har har. You’re already killing me here.”
“Just make sure you do a better job than when you’re washing your clothes.”
“Um…. Hilda miiiight just have exhaggerated my lack of clothes-cleaning abilities a weeee bit. Just sayin’.”
“Really? I would never have guessed.”
“Are you idiots done fighting?”
“Actually, no, and thanks for reminding us.”
“GAH! Where did the city go? Why are we standing in the plains fighting?”
“Hey, Tia. Nice of you to join us.”
“Well, I wasn’t going to let you guys have all the fun.”
“That would probably have been more effective than your pitiful followers.”
“Yeah, I mean… did nobody else in this town think of fighting them?”
“Nah, they all kind of depend on me to kill stuff.”
“Shyeah, that sounds familiar. Least you get something marginally more dangerous than slimes or tiny lizards.”
“Um…. oops?”
“I guess we should have seen that coming.”
“Maybe he needed someone to wash his clothes and manage his inn.”
“Well, it beats a dungeon, at least. We’re going up in the world, baby.”
“Scared? Yeah, I bet she is.”
“And how is that tower mysterious? IT’S A TOWER! IT RISES ABOVE THE GROUND! PEOPLE CAN GO UP IN IT!”
“I’m getting a hexagonal headache here.”
“Is that mountains standing on top of… smaller mountains?”
“Look at that giant one in the back there. It’s got snow on top and all.”
“I just got the urge to play Mastermind now.”
“Oh, I do that all the time. It’s a pain having to go out and hunt down enough jello for a session, though.”
“So, what do you use for the black and the white spokes?”
“You don’t wanna know.”
“Yep. that’s a tower, alright.”
“Let’s go all the way.”
“Never thought you’d ask.”
“Oh, it’s a Newt. Let’s nnnnnewter it.”
“Maxiiiiiiim!”
“What?!”
“Oh, we don’t have a block for all four switches. Well, then, I’m going to give up without pushing any of them OF COURSE I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT HOW IS THIS EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HARD?!”
“Yep, a fourth one appeared when I took care of the three initial blocks. Imagine that.”
“Maxim, you’re getting cranky again.”
“I get like that whenever I feel patronized. It’s a habit.”
“GET OVER HERE!”
“Um… no, it’s not THAT Scorpion. Just a regular one, I’m afraid.”
“Aw. If it had been him, I would totally have stolen his hookshot and his ability to tear the skin off his face and breathe fire.”
“Ah, so you guys can afford carpets too.”
“At least this isn’t an underground dungeon made up of dirt, rocks and leaves.”
“OK, who let all the kids out? Do we really have to kill these people? Because let me tell you right now, I’m not fine with that.”
“Urgh! That was… wrong in so many ways.”
“I don’t really know what you’re complaining about. Like you wanted, we didn’t kill them.”
“On the other hand, many spanks were delivered that day.”
“And once again, I have to get pushy.”
“Har har. At least you have alternatives now. I don’t know what you’re complaining about.”
“Whaddya mean ‘alternatives’? I’m going to have to return here and try out the other option eventually anyway.”
“Well, that’s just because you suffer from completistomania. You might want to see someone about that.”
“More like punk lizards. GO GET A HAIRCUT, YOU HIPPIES!”
“Are they punks or hippies, Maxim, because I have to tell you; they can’t be both.”
“Hey, Tia; these guys look familiar to you?”
“Oh, screw you.”
“Am I missing something here?”
“Oh, nothing much. Just that Tia needed ‘rescuing’ from one of these guys and… some zombie.”
“Seriously?”
“I did NOT!”
“That’s right. You didn’t.”
“You’re never going to leave me alone about that, are you?”
“…right, not touching THAT argument…”
“You should, because you started one all by yourself, you know.”
“…BUT ANYWAY, why are they holding their swords like that? They’re so…. pink!”
“Don’t look at them too long. You’ll go blind.”
“It’s a carpet with… an entrance?”
“Um… proper procedure, I guess?”
“OK. So… uh… the switch to lower the bridge that keeps invaders out of the top floor is… below said platform. Why would that even be the case?”
“Well, I could explain it, but it kind of culminates in ‘our King is an idiot’, so… yeah.”
“Well, good thing you didn’t explain it by explaining it, then.”
“Oh, darn it!”
“Hey, the crab found the secret entrance… into the… carpet. OH GOD WHY AM I EVEN SAYING THIS?!”
“Don’t think about it too hard. Let’s just kill it.”
“It’s a big crab and a small crab, and they’re the same size.”
“Of course.”
“I… the meaningful stares the crabs give me is far more unnerving, though.”
“Not to mention the masturbation motions they make with their claws.”
“Man, this tower combines pillar-pushing and pot-moving. It’s like Christmas and Easter in one delicious package.”
“I’m tempted to make a pot joke, but… I think I’ll refrain.”
“Well, that’s just rude of the guy; dying on top of a switch. Good thing I thought of blowing up his remains with a bomb.”
“Oh Maxim, you so respectful.”
“Nice view.”
“Man, the air is thick today. So damn misty.”
“…..”
“Uh….”
“Musical notes should go from the… bottom?”
“Is this some kind of metaphor for farting? Do the doors come with large bowls of pea soup spiked with ex lax? I’d… rather get out of this quest without soiling myself, you know.”
“OK, just… just give me a second here. Hnnnnng.”
“Maxim, wait!”
“As hilarious as it would be to see you stand there and poop yourself, I think we should all save ourselves our dignity by doing this thing correctly. See, that thing
“OK, I get it. Swing the sword, shoot the arrow, aaaand the last one is….”
“A… bomb? Well, whatever floats this altar’s boat.”
“Hnng. This… this is a huge key. I wonder if it will fit in my pocket.”
“Oh, it will, Maxim. Don’t worry. Just put it alongside the five thousand potions you have, plus all the random equipment you have that hasn’t been sold yet.”
“You’re a maniac, Maxim. You’re a carrying machine.”
“Um… so… do we have to wait until the next morning?”
“That’s a vague statement, though. ‘Something happens’? Like what?”
“The strippers?”
“You wish.”
“Damn straight.”
“Oh, Christ, this sure was a challenge.”
“…..”
“Does this fantasy world have a concept of time like this? Should we all be wearing wristwatches?”
“Hey, don’t ask me. I run a WEAPON store?”
“Kehkehkeh!”
“Having fun there, Maxim?”
“Juuust checking if it works.”
“Finally at the top. Now let’s get this rescuin’ train on the road.”
“Yep, that was a huge keyhole which I had to jam my giant key. Symbolic, hey?”
“It’s just a door, Sigmund. Not everything needs subtext.”
“And then I took this lady instead, since she whupped your ass verbally like it was nothing.”
“Hey, that was uncalled for.”
“Well, what can I say? I’m evil.”
“Yeah, the whole ‘maiden kidnapping’ thing clued us in on that.”
“…oh.”
“Well, the shoe still fits. Don’t worry about it.”
“And why would I need my sword? That’s not where I keep my wallet.”
“Oh man….”
“And that’s not even a sword. What did I just tell you?”
“I’m an axe guy. So sue me.”
“Shouldn’t the ladies be draping themselves over you, then? You wouldn’t HAVE to kidnap any.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“That was… that was it? That’s your ultimate attack?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Aaaand hup, healing complete.”
“Aw, balls. I’m screwed, aren’t I?”
“Yes, you are.”
“What the… we got THAT much experience for this loser?”
“That’s our country. It’s generous.”
“Ah. Well, imagine that. You’re more helpful than Miss Vague who’s been dropping in to tell me absolutely nothing.”
“Sinistrals. Yep. NOT VILLAINS!”
“Well, there is the whole ‘rule the world’ thing too.”
“It’s a tower. How do you bury that?!”
“By being brazenly irresponsible and making a huge hole underneath it?”
“That would do it. So PLEASE tell me they didn’t do that.”
“…..”
“Oh, come ON!”
“I don’t know how yet, but… man, we’re getting out of here. Together.”
“And we’re not going to let two small goblins stop us.”
“D’oh!”
“Oh, so we could have used our hands to open the door all the time. We gotta stop using magic to do everything. Yep.”
“I can’t even use magic. I guess that makes me the opener of doors.”
“I don’t care anymore. Can we just go?”
“Um… OK, mysterious lady.”
“Hey, it’s you!”
With a vague hint delivered, our heroes finally learn what powers lie beyond the darkness, or at least the name by which they are to be referred. And as this happens, they also meet up with the only woman who seems to know what is going on, and maybe now they will finally get the answers they seek.
“That’s it?”
“…yes, pretty much.”
“You’re a simpleton, aren’t you?”
“Man, that hurts coming from you.”
“Well, at least I went for a reason. They kidnapped Hilda. But you… you have someone just tell you you need to go out and fight, and you do it?!”
“Oh, sure, you say that now, but you still want to come with us, don’t you?”
“….yes, I do.”
“Boys!”