Chapter 4: Just another key for the door.
“Oh, indeed. If the beginner course is ‘not being robbed by bad robbers with terrible catchphrases’, then yes, you have some studying to do for sure.”
“Least there’s one guy with a brain in this whole castle.”
“Yeah, that one guy who sto-.. HEEEY!”
“Took you some time catching up, huh?”
“I would like a pony for Christmas.”
“Look who’s interested in horses now.”
“Yeah, well… I can like horses without it turning into a gender-based stereotype, so… neener neener.”
“Oh, shut up! Also, that’s so unfair.”
“Um… that’s… not nothing, you know.”
“Yeah. That’s.. like, the worth of a dragon diamond.”
*wait, what?*
“It’s a diamond! A huge one, might I add. There’s equipment in this town that costs almost as much as that. For one piece. You’re going to have to try a little harder here, Mr. Dross.”
“THREE THOUSAND?! WHOOPEE, THAT SOUNDS AWESOME! I HAVE NO PERSPECTIVE!”
*oh, never mind…’
“At least you’re a wealthy kingdom, I guess, since you can throw 3000 gold pieces at people who ask for nothing.”
“Well, gold doesn’t necessarily solve everything, you know.”
“I’m going to hold you to those words at any point in the future, you know.”
“Is this another one of your ‘gender-based stereotypes’, Maxim? Because I welcome that challenge. And how about I start with paying you nothing for your slimes, Mr. Nothing Please.”
“Tell me about it. I wonder if this will turn out to be some kind of pattern.”
“We’ll end up having to do all the work, don’t we?”
“WELL THEN WE HAVE TO GO NORTH DON’T WE BECAUSE THINGS HAVE TO BE SPELLED OUT FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN’T USE PROPER PUNCTUATION LIKE HOW MOST GAMES TREAT THEIR AUDIENCE NOWADAYS!”
“I dub it ‘the All-Caps Generation’.”
“Hey, here’s an idea: let’s break down the door.”
“That’s a great idea. That way, we won’t have to go to some dungeon somewhere and search through it. Save us all a good deal of time in the future.”
“……”
“……”
“Yeah, right!”
“Of course he did. Good going looking after your kids when you’re out on a journey too, parents of the year award winners.”
“Hey, don’t underestimate kids, Maxim. You take your eyes off them for ten seconds, and it’s amazing what they can do. You’ve been a kid once too, you know.”
“I…. yeah, you’re right. Mr. Rogers, I’m sorry.”
*sigh* “Well, I hope you know what this means, Tia.”
“Yes, I know. It’s another dungeon.”
“Oh, you’re right. I should have asked for nothing. Then he’d shower us in gold. Or something.”
“No, I meant that you shouldn’t look or sound like you’re about to beat his ass red and blue, because…. why are you looking at me with that odd expression?”
“Oh, I dunno. Ask Mr. Condescending Pedant who lives in your home town.”
“Oh, you mean old Mr. Tutorial? Yeah, he didn’t take losing his position as a teacher very well.”
“I’ll say.”
“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”
“Maxim…”
“OK. OK, I’m… sorry. I just… we have to…”
“I know, Maxim. But don’t forget he’s just a kid. Kids do stupid things all the time.”
“That’s right, kid. This place is dangerous, so go back to the overworld, where you can be attacked by other dangerous creatures at any moment, and there’ll be no place to hide once you’re up there unlike here.”
“Well, he can’t stay here, can he?”
“Sure, why not? There’s no enemies here, are there?”
“Except the goblin who has the key we need.”
“Never mind. Please excuse me for trying to make sense of this. You go, kid, and… uh, godspeed.”
*thinking* “Of course, I could always tell him what I feel, but where’s the fun in that? He has to know what I think and feel at all times because he’s a man, dammit!”
“So… wanna get hi?”
“Uh…. let’s not.”
“Maxim, I don’t think it wants to fight you.”
“I don’t care. I want the experience. I want to grow stronger. AND THEN….”
“Um… this is getting a bit disconcerting.”
“…oh, sorry. Got a bit carried away there.”
“And man, didn’t this place become empty all of a sudden. I won’t gain many levels like this.”
“It’s a horse rock. This one’s for you, Tia.”
“Don’t you start with me.”
“I wonder if you can ride it.”
“Oh, fine. Hand it over, and then let’s find out if it fits inside your bum.”
“Well, at least the butterflies here are aggressive as hell. Which is kind of weird, but hey…”
“And to think they’re like… one of the most ultimate symbols of peace and goodness.”
“Or maybe they’re just the general symbol of beauty.”
“Really? Well, screw them, then.”
“And they’re just moths too. The ‘ugly duckling’ of the butterfly world.”
“They’re all nicely blue or pink, though. And wait, MEGA moth? How is the MEGA moth any larger than the regular ones?”
“Maybe the color pink just makes something look bigger.”
“I’ll… uh… have to remember that.”
“What?”
“Oh, nothing. And, uh… mental note: I’m burning all my pink dresses when I get back home.”
“What is he doing now I.. just… hrmmzzzzzz..”
“Wait, what? Maxim, what’s wrong? Oh God, am I going to have to whip these fools into shape all on my own?”
“Uh oh…”
“Christ, SHAVE had to finish this fight. That was embarrassing in so many ways.”
“And look, there’s so much more to fight in this room alone.”
“Joy. Can we at least avoid the moths? I don’t need more sleep now.”
“Yeah, these places just keep getting bigger and bigger. And looking the same, let’s not forget.”
“There hasn’t been one single pushing puzzle so far either. This is intolerable.”
“At least there’s loot. Power brace?”
“Yes, Maxim; a power brace. You know, for enhancing powers. It’s awfully self-explanatory, you know.”
“But still kind of illogical. If it was a better weapon, I could understand it doing more damage, but an article of clothing should technically not be able to up my damage.”
“Magic, Maxim. Get with the times already.”
“I do love individual perspectives. We were just fighting a MEGA moth some minutes ago, but now we’re fighting a SMALL crab.”
“I wonder what they consider a normal-sized crab in this world. I mean… just look at that freaking claw.”
“Isn’t crab meat supposed to be some kind of common-people luxury or something? We should capture one and cook it.”
“Well, good thing the water here wasn’t any deeper than those stone pillar things. It would be kind of embarrassing if they just sank to the bottom.”
“Yeah! Then you’d have to cast the reset spell and everything would be back in place.”
“I wonder how far that spell reaches. I mean… wouldn’t it be kind of annoying if the whole world got reset when I cast it? Imagine you were doing something, and then BAM… some asshole somewhere in the world cast it and all your work was undone.”
“That would’ve been kind of annoying. Good thing we don’t have to think about things like that, huh?”
“Hmm. A pit of water and a switch. Yeah, this is one of those cause and effect things, isn’t it?”
“Let’s just hope we won’t flood the room when pressing that switch. Remember what happened to those two idiot thieves when they jumped on a switch in some kind of waterway.”
“Eh, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“See? It… uh, sank.”
“Hey, there’s a chest in that room we can’t really see. We must find it.”
“You’re so right. But how do we get there?”
“Why, through this secret entrance that we could totally see where we were standing.”
“Oh, perspective. You so silly.”
“Well, it was a miracle we found this thing.”
“It’ll be a miracle if I get through this journey without shearing both my ears off.”
“Yeah, just step on that switch, Maxim. Don’t worry about where that water might end up.”
“Well, what do you want me to do? NOT step on switches?”
“I’m just saying that it would be good to see where the water ends up before we do anything. You know, to avoid screwing ourselves over and making our journey impossible to complete.”
“That’ll never happen. We’re not living in Sierra Entertainment World, after all.”
“And now we’ve reached the hall of torches. Blowtorches, from the looks of things.”
“What’sa matter, Maxim. Got some welding you need done?
“Yeah, I got this metal jockstrap which I brought for the journey, but my balls are simply too big.”
“Yyyeah, I regret asking now.”
“Then my work here is done.”
“Score! It’s the refill & save carpet. I’m blown away.”
“So’s the wall in the back.”
“Yeah, pretty soon.”
*sigh* “They’re always going with the hard way. Always.”
“And you’re complaining now, Mr. Experience? Weren’t you going to level and stuff?”
“So… you’re the goblin king? And you need this key because….?”
“I’m sure you could just go through that door if you let them use the key to OPEN IT! Christ, goblins are stupid.”
“Well, he sure looks like he wants to fight now.”
“Eh, what’s he gonna do about it?”
“Well, that’s… a start.”
“Eh, more to kill. I’m fine with this.”
“Gwah gwah gwah, how do you like the fire, suckers?!”
“You go, Tia. Flame these suckas to a crisp.”
“Look, he’s got more friends.”
“I guess I should have preceded this fight with a different line than ‘Oh yeah? You and what army?'”
“He even stuffed the freaking key into a freaking chest. Why? Is this like ‘baby’s first treasury’?”
“Hmmm. There’s something… off… about that squarish patch on the floor. IT MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT POT ON THE OTHER SIDE!”
“That sounds really unlikely, so I’m sure it must be the truth. Oh well, let’s go figure this one out, then.”
“OK, so Miracle I can understand, but what’s ‘brave’? If ‘strong’ heals you, what does ‘brave’ do? Increase the size of my balls? My metal jockstrap is tight enough already.”
“Maxim, please… just… shut up and check. Never guesstimate again.”
“It… uh, increases GUT.”
“It what?”
“I guess it makes you fat or something.”
“Oh ha ha, aren’t you funny.”
“So, you want it, then?”
“…no.”
“Now, how was I supposed to see THIS secret passway. The entrance was facing downwards.”
“By… using your eyes? Again?”
“YES! I found a new armor.”
“Maxim, I’ve been meaning to ask, but… is there any reason why you basically take everything you find in chests and hold it up like that? Is there some kind of novelty to finding stuff in chests that never gets tired?”
“It’s all about the anticipation. The euphoria.”
“It’s LIGHT ARMOR! We’re not that far ahead yet.”
“Shush, Tia. Don’t rain on my parade yet.”
“See? If we put this pot here, the stairs on the other side open. Elementary, my dear Tia.”
“Of course it was. And it wasn’t like you just stomped around the whole room to find this spot.”
“Some would call that ‘methodical’.”
“We don’t have TIME to be methodical. Well, at least not all the time.”
“Maxim, you’re using bombs to blow up bushes. A little overboard there, sport?”
“Nonono. I call it ‘efficiency’.”
“I guess ‘excessive’ isn’t a part of your vocabulary yet.”
“It’s never been.”
“SUCCESS! I pushed this block onto this button that was blocked by bushes that I blew up with bombs. Just another day on the job.”
“…I guess I could still easily make my way home from here.”
“Well, let’s go get our just rewards. The stairs can wait.”
“It’s a Jet helm.”
“Yeah, I can see that. You’re holding that thing right over your head. Might as well just plop it right down while you’re at it.”
“Well, here we are again. I’m sure the kid has learned his lessons, and won’t do anything this stupid again.”
“Or maybe not.”
*sigh* “OK, Maxim; I guess we’ll do it your way. Spanking it is.”
“Well, aren’t you a huge sucker for adorable kids. You do know he’s already planning the next thing to steal and use for his stupid treasure hunts, right?”
“Now THAT sounds like a real reward. I am all over that, baby.”
“Men!”
“Let’s go find this town. I want me some freebies.”
“Yeah, yeah. And the sad part is that you’re only in this for the food and the room. She was actually really pretty too. Sometimes, I’m wondering if you’re interested in women at all.”
“Well, she did need help to find a goddamn key because her KIDS stole it. She was nice and all, but… yeah.”
“Spoken like someone who’s never ever had to take care of any kids before.”
“Imp or a Smurf? You decide.”
“I couldn’t care less. I’m just happy that the birds here are allowed outside to fly.”
“Will you come take a ride in our Kia?”
“Christ, Maxim, you had to turn this into a car commercial? If you absolutely had to, at least choose something that isn’t a tiny rice cooker.”
*is such a thing possible?*
“You can call me Gades. Rhymes with Hades. I’m gonna kill you, then drive your Mercedes.”
“Damn you. You just HAD to upstage me, didn’t you?”
“The hell are you talking about?”
*let’s… not dwell on that*
“Yes, we… found the key. WE ARE HEROES!”
“Maxim, it wasn’t THAT big a deal.”
“Finding a key not a big deal? What kind of hick countryside village are YOU from?”
“Uh…. yeah, good question.”
Another key, another day solved, and our heroes are still no closer to finding out what’s going on. Cryptic messages aside, our heroes are still always ready for more immediate concerns.
“…oh dear God, this…. this is going to turn into a really stupid argument, isn’t it?”
“Yyyyeah.”