Chapter 3: A Crowning Moment of Distraction.
“Do I know about what now?”
“No, I don’t. That’s why I chose ‘NO’. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Oh, whatever! I’ll just go see what’s the deal with that woman who apparently came looking for me. Like I wouldn’t know who that would be.”
“How do you find your female associates? Just follow the ‘aaaak’, I guess. HEY, TIA! YOU DOING OK IN THERE?”
“Yes, that would be me. And I see you have company already.”
“Stop joking around and help me!”
“Oh, fine! Jeez, Tia, you’re not facing THAT tough enemies.”
“Well… OK, the goblin’s club looks kind of nasty, but the skeleton? Just look at the way he’s holding his…. fleshy pink sword.”
“…..”
“Yeah, not making this up, Tia.”
“I don’t care, Maxim. Just cut it off already.”
“TIA, EW!”
“I wasn’t going to go THAT far. Well, not originally anyway.”
“What do you mean ‘originally’?”
“Well, uh… I kind of met this crazy woman while I was inside the goblin cave looking for that key…”
“PLEASE tell me she didn’t call your manhood into question, Maxim.”
“No! Of course she didn’t. I mean… it was just a little questioning of manhood.”
“Maxim, for Christ’s sake….”
“And you actually bought that? Maxim, you’re a sweet guy, but you are just so gullible.”
“Well, maybe so. After all, I bought that ‘the slimes are on the rise, that’s why I can’t pay you more’ explanation a few days ago.”
*cough* “Well, whatever. Let’s just move on.”
“That means we have to go on this huge quest, which sounds like an awful lot of trouble. Can’t we just go home and run a store or something?”
“What? Are you crazy? I’ve gone up several levels since I went out on this quest. My powers have quadrupled… at least… so I want to see how far I can take this.”
“Um… you use a sword to kill stuff. I run a weapon shop, Maxim, so I think I know this.”
“Well, yeah, but…”
“And you have this ability because obviously, you’d be long dead if not for it. Plus, you grew up in a town populated by almost nothing but pansies. It was a given.”
“‘Almost’?”
“Yeah, I got this far just fine, didn’t I?”
“Still….”
“Christ, Maxim, could you stop being a belittling asshole?”
“Well, excuse me, Miss. ‘OH EM GEE HELP ME AGAINST THIS ONE GOBLIN AND SKELETON, BECAUSE I SURELY HAVE NOT FOUGHT LOTS OF THEM ALREADY GETTING HERE.”
“….OK, point taken. I’ll stop trying to appeal to your male pride.”
“Thank you. And it’s not that big.”
“That’s what she said.”
“More appropriate words were never spoken.”
“The joke is on me, huh?”
“OK, so… let’s go over your equipment.”
“That’s what he said.”
“Um… Tia, why are you wielding a frying pan. You run a weapons shop. Like you just told me.”
“Hey, don’t knock the frying pan. You’ll hurt your hand.”
“That’s true, but what does that have to do with anything? Didn’t you have knives in that shop? Ranged weapons? It IS a weapon’s shop, right? I mean, I bought a… well, pretty good sword at this point in the story, but you know what I mean.”
“I just wanted to prove I knew how to fight, even with equipment you were knocking so heartlessly last time we spoke.”
“Well, at least you didn’t bring a chopping board for a shield.”
“I put on my frock, though.”
“Yeah, well, this IS a special occasion.”
“Yeah. I just followed the ‘AAAAAK’.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“You want to give me a whip? Uh… do you have any issues you want to talk to me about, Maxim?”
“Well, I just want to help you lay out the pain.”
“Say no more.”
“Tia, please be serious. You won’t be much good if you can’t make it hurt.”
“Eeeheeheh, Maxim, please tell me you’re doing this on purpose, because I’m not sure I can hold it in much longer.”
“You haven’t… does that mean you would’ve returned home had I not decided to follow you?”
*shrug* “Probably.”
“GODDAMN IT!”
“That… sounds like a crazily specific piece of unnatural casual talk, kid. Almost like it was expected of me to go there or anything.”
“Dammit! We’ll never get home at this rate. On the other hand, jewelry? I’m all for that.”
“Oh, Tia. You’re such a woman.”
“Ha ha ha ha courtesy laugh.”
“But seriously, I just gotta check out this old guy before we leave. He was having some trouble…. uh, sleeping… so I’ll just ask him if he’s fine before we go.”
“Sure, why not.”
“Business as usual, I guess.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah, before I dealt with that catfish, he slept a lot because he was unable to sleep. Or something.”
“That’s…. weird.”
“Wooow, we’re in a completely different region now. It’s…. more greenery, mountains and desert patches.”
“…..”
“Yeah, it’s just like home, isn’t it?”
“At least we can go visit this weirdly specific tree over here.”
“Yes, I sure do. I stab and kill for the things I believe in. Of course, I don’t really know what that is at the moment, but I’ll get to that… eventually.”
“Yes, I shall fight for what I believe in by… standing there.”
“Yippee. I won a Foomy.”
“That felt kind of contradictory.”
“Well, it’s a huge heap of foam, so… I shall call him ‘Shave’.”
“Well, anyway, we got places to go and… uh, buffalos to kill.”
“That’s not even a buffalo. It’s a regular bull.”
“And you even know that? You sure you haven’t been around this block before?”
“Um… no, of course not. What would make you think that. Ahahaha.”
“I’m… just going to pretend she’s not in it for the jewelry, because… girl.”
“Actually, we’re more about the ceremonies. You know, girls dream about marriage and all that rot.”
“So regular commoner weddings would interest you just as much, then?”
“…NO!”
“I choose to believe this is not an omen of ill things to come, because it would be really depressing if all the dialogue in this goddamn world is all prophetic about events in the near future.”
“Aww, these people are so sweet. They really ARE more concerned about the ceremony itself than the bling that comes with it.”
“See? I told you so.”
“Yeah. I can’t believe they’d just randomly trust two guys dropping by and wanting to take off with the crown. It’s like this kingdom is built on the foundations of gullibility and naivete, and the reason it’s as prosperous as it is? Because nobody has thought of dropping by and shafting them yet.”
“Oh, good. They’ve got at least one collective cell to throw around.”
“Drib… what kind of expression is that?!”
“I just… what kind of doofuses are these two?”
“…right.”
“This might welly well well be the dumbest fake dialect I’ve ever heard. Are these people serious?”
“It’s like someone read a whole lot of Shakespeare and kind of missed the point.”
“Or were trying to come across as massive tools.”
“Oh, Jesus, please stop. Boomin’ Bomb? Party arty?”
“I’m not so interested in the ceremony anymore now.”
“You still may wanna step away from the bomb, though.”
”
“I can tell you this: A Clockwork Orange has a lot to answer for.”
“Yeah, it’s like the birth of slang, and it ain’t getting any prettier.”
“Let’s just hope we never invent the language of leet. That will truly be the death of good taste as we know it.”
“So said the man who sat on his ass all this time.”
“Hey, I’m a king. I’m supposed to sit on my ass all day and look important.”
“OK, then… how about your guards? They’ll immediately hunt the thieves down, right? The more guards, the more difficult it would be for them to escape.”
“Sorry, but they’re all useless. I guess it’s up to you now.”
“Of course.”
“Yeah, it’s not like someone almost made off with that crown by being able to enter the throne room and all. I’m sure you two would notice any suspicious people trying to exit.”
“Stay alert, guys.”
“Incoherent sentences. Always a favorite.”
“And I bet it’s been some time since somebody called YOU ‘the bomb’.”
“I don’t even know where to begin. And I thought you were insensitive back when I asked you about jobs? Man, do I stand corrected.”
“You thought I was being insensitive?”
“Well… yeah! If you didn’t want to be a store clerk, fine. You could still have spared me the ‘ha ha’ part.”
“And then… hey, Maxim, are you listening?”
“Sure, Tia, but we got a crown to reclaim, because… well, most of these assholes are useless. Also, it’s the right thing to do, because heroes.”
“You’re just saying anything to get out of an argument, aren’t you?”
“Nonono.”
“You… heard sounds even though you were asleep? I’m not buying that.”
“Admit it. You’re just a little weenie, aren’t you?”
“Oh, look. It’s a grey brick dungeon.”
“Well, it’s a castle cellar dungeon. What did you expect?”
“Hey, it’s the genetical combination of a caterpillar and a PEZ dispenser.”
“It looks like two centipedes dancing, actually. It’s so cute.”
“You might want to abandon that thought, Tia, because we’re going to have to kill them.”
“What?! NOOOOO! I want to take them home and make them wear cute hats.”
“And now I’m starting to think killing them would be a mercy.”
“Oh dear, it’s a horse. Is there even such a thing as ‘dungeon horses’?”
“Why are you looking at me as if I knew? Is it because I’m a girl and all girls love horses?”
“No, it was more of a rhetorical question, but thanks for the unwarranted outburst anyway. I mean, I wasn’t even looking at you when I asked.”
“And they’re even mad. But hey, I would be mad, too, if I was forced to live in a dungeon instead of the long, sweeping plains.”
“…..”
“OK, so I DO like horses. So sue me.”
“And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. You ride that flag high, girlfriend.”
“Oh, shut up!”
*sigh* “Block pushing. Always a favorite.”
“There also seems to be a crazily specific amount of switches to push them onto as well. Is this normal?”
“As weird as it is to use the word ‘normal’ for something like this; yes, it is.”
“Uh… what about the classic, ol’ ‘fuse time’ thing? Six steps? Swings? Does that mean the fuse will burn forever if I just stand still?”
“Well, at least it’ll be useful. Because I’m sure I’ll encounter a lot of suddenly brittle walls that’ll need blowing up if I want to continue.”
“And we’re off to an explosive start… literally. Why the hell did they brick off this huge area? Are there any secrets we weren’t meant to find?”
“A headband? Do I look like goddamn Richard Simmons?”
“Then give it to me, Mr. Picky. Everyone knows that headbands are very good at stopping swords, gaping maws and stuff like that.”
“Hey, just because Simmons’s head wouldn’t take any damage from being smacked doesn’t mean that it works like that.”
“So, are you enjoying your tour of Fifty Shades of Grey yet?”
“Eh, it’s severely lacking in chains, whips and dominance.”
“But I… just bought you a whip. You’re going to have to give me some time to come up with chains and dominance, though.”
“…that’s fine. Don’t mind me.”
“How about a bat?”
“And it’s a BIG bat too, because size matters.”
“Well, either that, or a tiny feather I can put in a hat. Or in a headband.”
“Hey, I ain’t putting that thing on my head. I’m not THAT swishy.”
“Uh….. yeah, this feels like a riddle. At least it beats the lame block pushing.”
“See? This might be block pushing, but it’s not just a matter of pushing stuff on top of other stuff. I actually have to use my brain here. And, granted, due to the ‘reset’ spell, I can do this as often as I need, but it’s still something I have to conquer just to move on.”
“Then why are you complaining.”
“Complaining? I am elated. I am ON THE FREAKING MOON!”
“Oh yes! Give it to me, baby! Make me work it! Make me work it hard!”
“Yeah, this is a side to you I both love and look at with a certain sense of fear.”
“OK, I’m almost done, Tia. Hold on to your horses.”
“Are you mad? I didn’t WANT to hold on to those horses, seeing as they were mad.”
“That makes both of us, then.”
“Oh, it’s… uh, a coat. Want it?”
“Well, it sure beats a frock, so… yeah, hand it over.”
“Well… this ‘puzzle’ is a little on the pedestrian side, but eh… it’s still a puzzle.”
“This isn’t a puzzle. It’s a leap of faith. And there’s four switches too, so I just know I’m going to have to just go through all of them.”
“So? It’s no different than an elevator, so stop yer bitchin’. It’s not like you aren’t completely plundering every single cave you go to anyway.”
“And how would you know that? This is the first dungeon you’ve followed me into.”
“OK, so the first teleport destination I chose was the dungeon.”
“Our lives are going to the dogs, aren’t they?”
“Oh, ha ha. Who stole the funny pills now?”
“I’m learning. I probably have to, if I’m to survive this journey.”
“Cobalt?”
“I thought they were Kobolds.”
“Let’s hope this is the only case of bad translation we’ll come across.”
“I think we’re surrounded by adorable woodland critters. There’s only one thing to do.”
“Oh, no! Not Sonic, Maxim. There’s gotta be another way.”
“Don’t worry, Tia. I think that’s bootleg Sonic.”
“Oh? Well, in that case, screw him. Screw them.”
“No trespassing indeed. I’m sure they put up this sign for the benefit of people who probably didn’t think there’s anything wrong with blowing up a wall. This sign’ll set ’em straight.”
“Seriously, stop! Don’t ignore my words like you did back in the castle and run off like the bunch of thieves that you are. Why I didn’t go for the element of surprise, I’ll never know.”
“Damn it. If only the water would flood the same side the switch was on, but that would be a really terrible design decision, wouldn’t it?”
“…..”
“Wait, it was?! So… do they sacrifice lives to get the water running? Is that it?”
“Who? Those two or the people who designed this waterway?”
“Both, Maxim. And let’s just extend that courtesy to anyone in this freaking place. I just want to finish here and leave this place. I just don’t care anymore.”
“Don’t you start too. I swear… if you start going ‘welly well well’, I am going to kick you in the happy section until you lose all cognitive abilities.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of. We should probably follow them and make sure.”
“Uh… Tia, you’re starting to worry me now.”
“Secret fruit. Well… it wasn’t THAT secret. I only had to blow up one wall to get it.”
“The dragon egg is fine, but a light knife? How about a heavy knife? Knives are not all that weighty to begin with.”
“Wouldn’t a light knife be better, then? Anything that takes the load of stabbing motions sounds like a good idea to me.”
“Let’s hear it from Weapon Shop Girl.”
“Yeah, you go ahead and be condescendingly petty about this, Maxim, but I’m right and you know it.”
“Well, whatever. So, what’s the deal with this dragon egg? Collect 8 and get a prize? Yeah, I’ll consider that.”
“Hey, don’t change the subject.”
With another heroic act completed, the team of two ponder their next step. The approaching peril is still relatively unknown, so for now, their sights are set on more immediate solutions and rewards.
“Sure you didn’t. You were asleep, and only THOUGHT you heard anything. Like… say, the huge explosion upstairs, so you just dropped to the ground and pretended to be asleep, trying really hard not to piss yourself while you were at it.”
“You bring shame to redheads everywhere, fool.”