Chapter 28: The Triforce Island Tower Hopping Crusade.
“Well, let’s whip out the big guns on this… uh, big gun.”
“I’m going to fry his ass.”
“Um….”
“Wait for what? We got the engine we wanted, so I seriously doubt we’ll be seeing you again.”
“Daaaamn yooooou!”
“Yeah, stretch your words out as much as you want. You know it’s true.”
“This can’t be aaargh? Well, I didn’t think that was what the castle was called, but what do I know?”
“I guess they replaced the monster that died because the artist had a sudden heart attack.”
“Yeah, but… with a tank?”
“Well… sure.”
“So, basically, he’s about as destructive as the Sinistrals?”
“On a more limited scale, yes. I’m not so sure one should be impressed about being able to blow up one’s own place, though.”
“I can do that without explosives.”
“Um… guys? Place exploding around us?”
“I know. Isn’t it exciting?”
“Exciting?! I just… never mind. Let me just…”
“What? You mean those two idiots that nearly drove me out of my damn mind with their goddamn slang?”
“Well… yes?”
“Urgh! Does it make me a bad person if I hope they DIDN’T make it?”
“I’m afraid so.”
*sigh* “OK, it’s not like I want anyone to die, so…. does it make me a bad person if I at least hope they got… non-lethally maimed?”
“….I can live with that.”
“Yeah. We almost got non-lethally maimed.”
“I wonder who’d wish something like that on us, boss.”
“Just as well. Wouldn’t want any competition now, would we?”
“Nope. Welly well, let’s just cross this bridge, and… oh, poopie.”
“Ah… maybe we should cut down on the whole ‘welly well’ thing. It does sound kind of stupid.”
“…yeah, I guess. Anyway…”
“You took it off his head?”
“Nah, he had it stashed away.”
“Given how hostile he was, it must’ve been up his butt.”
“Huh huh, yeah. He was so tight-assed, he probably poops diamonds.”
“Which city?”
“Eh, I dunno. Any city. Well, except the one that just blew up. That was a pretty boring place anyway.”
“I do believe we had the crowning moment of glory, though.”
“I… cannot fault that logic. Or pun.”
“I guess Lexis lost his Mabel.”
“……”
“Oh God….”
“That’s… scientifically inhumane.”
“Just a couple of years.”
“YEARS?!”
“Just kidding. Anyway, get out of our sight. We’ve got work to do, and you’re getting in the way.”
“No respect. No respect at all.”
*an unspecified amount of time later*
“Well, I can’t argue the flying thing, but a ship that can swim in the sea? Isn’t that kind of what being a ship is all about?”
“Don’t be a hater. The design of the boat is science upon itself.”
“Yeah… well… let’s just get boatin’.”
“Yeah, that goes without saying.”
“I’d say it’s about 50 percent us doing stuff, and 50 percent everyone else NOT doing stuff. But you already know that.”
“We should go to where Doom Island is, then.”
“Yes, something needs to be done about Doom Island.”
“Do you think the people on Doom Island are planning anything sinister?”
“They’re from Doom Island. It goes without saying.”
“You guys just want to say Doom Island out loud, don’t you?”
“I resent that statement. Only people on Doom Island would say something like that.”
“Look who’s joined the Doom Island brigade.”
“Doooooom Islaaaaaand, mouhahahahahaaaa…”
“And where can he be found?”
“Why, on Doom Island.”
“Alright, that’s enough wisecrackery from you. Off you go now.”
“Um… this is…”
“Welcome to TriForce Island.”
“We’re finally getting some real ultimate power, huh?”
“And by ‘disaster’, they mean ‘laser beams’.”
“They sure are super, alright.”
“Also, you’re calling yourself secluded as if that meant something. This town is just like any other, where people never leave. The only difference is that we needed to attach a balloon to our boat to get here.”
“Um…. why?!”
“I guess he’s our next questgiver.”
“Yeah, I guess it’s just me having a bit of a problem dealing with the elderly. They’re all kind of weird.”
“We’ve yet to meet any good ones, though. Every one we’ve met so far have all been about ruining cities.”
“And about spouting stupid macho BS.”
“Yeah. I’m the Lord of stupid macho BS here.”
“Won’t argue that.”
“That better not be your wandering hands, dude.”
“Is that a bit of envy I hear, Guy?”
“Well, I can’t explain what’s going on inside your head, but I feel we should move on.”
“Because.”
“That’s it, huh?”
“Well, how the hell should I know? All I know is that they’re here to wreck stuff, and we have to stop them. Oh, if all life was so easy.”
“I take it you’re the elder? Are you going to make me go through lame dungeons and flip levers?”
“Oh, no no no.”
“Um… yeah, I’m a little creeped out over how identical the three of them look.”
“I didn’t ask YOU. Now shut up for a second.”
“Ah, the condescending tone. I’ve been missing that. You really are like the elder back at Elcid.”
“Good thing we dropped by, then, I guess.”
“Well, then, my good man. Tell us what we need to do.”
“Break a seal? I don’t condone animal cruelty, you know.”
“Not that kind of seal. Were you raised in a remote village or something?”
“As the matter of fact, I was.”
“You’re one to talk, by the way. Is this an ‘old coot’ thing?”
“So now it’s time to go get those armor pieces and put them to use against the super beings that gave them to us.”
“Or their relatives. So is the folly of being a villain, I guess.”
“Oh, really? It’s a key, isn’t it?”
“In a sense.”
“Thanks, but I don’t need a harem.”
“Speak for yourself.”
“You guys are all perverts.”
“Says the old guy who’s been keeping a trio of nubile ladies to do his bidding up until this point under the guise of training them to be obedient to the superior beings.”
“…..”
“And that ended up sound much more terrible spoken out loud than in my head.”
“Yes, it did.”
“So there IS key-based stuff going on here. So… do I bring you up to the top of the tower and jam you into a huge hole?”
“Can… can I borrow your bathroom for a second?”
“Can you stop being so incredibly gross?”
“And these are supposed to be our saviors.”
“You did, did you? Was it just in case we came stumbling in? That’s a pretty big chance to take.”
“Yeah, well… there’s not much else to do in this godforsaken place.”
“And we’re about to make it Sinistral-forsaken as well. Then there’ll be even less to do.”
“Eh, once that is completed, we’ll get the hell out of there.”
“Anyway, before we go, let’s go through our little pet collection. We’ve been spending so much time building those guys.”
“OK, so ol’ foamy is now a nine-tailed fox. Can’t say I saw that one coming.”
“There’s a unicorn. That one’s my favorite.”
“If only Tia was here to hear that.”
“We have at least two types of dragons.”
“And a centaur and a phoenix. Pretty sweet, I’d say.”
“Not sure what to make of the fish guy with the human butt and legs. Someone obviously drew the short straw when it came to master forms.”
“Well, anyway, let’s take the nearest tower. Save the balloon trips for later.”
“Oh, poo. My sisters get to have all the fun, huh?”
“Well, I have to say this is pretty unique.”
“Let’s see if you’ll say that the second and third time.”
“He’s… uh, keeping an eye on us.”
“So, do we poke them in the eye, or do we take our time and enjoy this?”
“Well… laser-related death awaits the cities out there, so I think we should save the pleasure cruise for later.”
“You noticed how they keep calling some enemies ‘big’, ‘huge’, ‘mega’ or other size-related superlatives, yet they’re never really bigger than the regular versions?”
“Well, which name do you think is the most intimidating? Staff Sargeant Max Fightmaster or Weenie McPeeinhispants?”
“There can be no better name than Fistmaster Knucklepuncher.”
“That’s… kind of limiting his options, isn’t it?”
“I always knew that our saviors might differ a bit from our expectations, but I have to say I never expected you all to be so weird.”
“Well, at least the view’s nice up here, but it seems like the trees never get any smaller, no matter how much we ascend this tower.”
“Maybe it’s the Leaning Tower of Triforce Island or something.”
“No no no. This island has a circular pattern inside the triangle. It’s totally not a copyright breach.”
“Pfft. Doorway guardians.”
“It’s a… leech? That sounds kind of unintimidating, doesn’t it?”
“Let’s nick their balls.”
“……”
“Selan, ewww. Or rather, owww.”
“I meant the green, glowing ones.”
“My poor green glowing balls.”
“Look. The she-yeti is back.”
“What’s the official thunder color anyway? I’d think white would symbolize ice or snow instead, but maybe that’s just me.”
“Ice and snow? What’s that?”
“Hell if I know.”
“We’re missing an element in this world? That is intolerable.”
“Not to mention we can still cast magic made up of said element. Maybe it was lost to the ages or something.”
“I never expected an elf to say someting as flippant as ‘or something’.”
“Well, at least we’re getting somewhere… higher up.”
“Oh, fine. We are getting a different perspective now. I take it back.”
“Yeah, your head is in the clouds, Maxim.”
“All our heads are in the clouds.”
“……”
“Something wrong, Keymaster Bluehair?”
“No, I just…. OH GOD LET US REACH THE TOP SOON!”
“Looks like you got your wish, lady.”
“Oh, thank the heavens.”
“Or this pentagram on the ground here.”
“NO! We go for the stairs right away.”
“Well, excuuuuuse me, Princess.”
“I’m not a Princess either.”
“Oh, look. It’s our good buddy Gades. While you admittedly whupped our ass the first time we met, we did kick yours in return later. And unless you’ve become significantly stronger since the last time we met, you might want to reconsider trying to fight us.”
“SHUT UP! Things will be totally different this time around.”
“Yeah, this time, you really might be able to drive our Mercedes.”
“What’s a Mercedes?”
“Eh, I dunno. Just something he said.”
“Um… but it already happened. That’s why he said it.”
“Oh, fine. I’ll let it happen, then.”
“What the hell are you talking about? What is going on?”
“THIS! THIS IS GOING ON!”
“Well… I guess you haven’t improved at all.”
“Gades… buddy, that’s… kind of pitiful.”
“SHUT UP! Your… your… attack didn’t.. ouch ..hurt much either.”
“Well, in that case, let’s pile on some more.”
“Good idea. Also, my turn.”
“Aaaargh! HOW CAN THIS BE?!”
“That’s your last words, buddy? A line from The Villain’s Big Book o’ Clichés?”
“SHUT UP! AND CURSE YOU!”
“Erim sounds like a female name, though. Hmmmmm.”
“I wonder who that could be.”
“Are they being all sarcastic now?”
“Who knows?”
“I don’t think that’s going to work. We have no blasters.”
“No, I meant that as an expression of… why am I the one who has to explain stuff to you? I thought I was supposed to be the dumb guy.”
“So did I.”
“It’s an armor that blasts stuff?”
“No, I meant… gah! Just stand over there, already.”
“I can’t walk midair, silly.”
“I DON’T CARE! GO GET THE NEXT SISTER NOW!”
“OK, OK, yeesh.”
“I heard her screaming from here.”
“Uh… yeah… about that…”
“And please be quick about it.”
“Um… sure.”
“Well… this looks kind of familiar.”
“Yeah, all three towers look the same. Get used to it.”
“Couldn’t you at least color-cycle it a bit? You know, spruce it up a little?”
“Yes, let’s all just dispense with the dignity of holiness so we can ‘spruce things up’ for you artistically picky people out there.”
“Hey! You haven’t been trudging around this samey world for days and weeks on end, so you don’t get to judge me!”
“At least the key is moving around on its own this time around. Or her own, I should say.”
“Are you the gatekeeper? Because we have the keymaster.”
“Well… one of them anyway.”
“I think I can understand what got my sister up to such a screaming frenzy.”
“Nosferato? BOOOOORING!”
“Next, please.”
“Wh… heeeey, give me a chance. C’mon. CHAAAAANCE!”
“The… the cuteness… it’s driving me into a coma.”
“It’s the counting sheep spell. So fiendish.”
“Well, that was… mostly unpleasant.”
“But so cute.”
“Good thing I was around to slap your stupid faces, huh?”
“So speaks a holy person.”
“But how can someone who dresses so faaaabulously ever be annoyed?”
“Also, we haven’t actually defeated you yet, so please don’t be a disappointment now, OK?”
“Well, let’s waste no time, then. Taste my ultimate attack!”
“……”
“Was that it?”
“Um…. yes.”
*sigh* “Another disappointment.”
“Well, let’s waste no time ourselves then. We should return the favor.”
“Gah! Wait a second…”
“Ow, you dinks! That really hurt.”
“That definitely didn’t come from the evil overlord’s cliché’d phrases handbook.”
“More like the handbook of whiny children’s phrases.”
“Let’s get this over with, so that our last sister can take her part of the suffering.”
“That’s mean.”
“Emphasis on ‘quickly’.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Your request is loud and Clare.”
“YOU DIE NOW!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, Clare. We need to be seeing the bigger picture here.”
“Grrr! OK, just… fine!”
“SSSH! LET’S SNEAK QUIETLY BY THIS DRAGON WHILE ITS BACK IS TURNED!”
“Gah! What the…. quiet.”
“That’s our Guy. Always hankering for a fight.”
“They’re all a bunch of psychopaths. I think I understand now why I can feel such waves of anger from the two of them.”
“He’s looking at us.”
“He’s going to be a horn in our sides, isn’t he?”
“I could have headed up there in advance. I could have managed by myself, but nooo….”
“Gorgon? Isn’t this kind of the exact opposite?”
“Well… yes, I believe a Gorgon is a snake lady with snakes for hair, not a huge bull guy with an axe to grind.”
“Maybe he’ll GORGE ON us when he kills us.”
“Please make it quick. I don’t know how much more of this idiocy I can take.”
“As you ordered.”
“Thank God I was the last one, I guess, since you’re less likely to fool around and take the scenic route with this.”
“Yes, poor Lisa.”
“Not this guy again.”
“Must be some kind of seniority thing. He always gets the prime spot, doesn’t he?”
“I wonder who we were supposed to meet up here. Erin or Daos?”
“Hell if I know.”At least we can just grab the item immediately instead.”
“Nicer words were never spoken.”
“ALL BOW TO ROUNDY MCBLOCKSHIELD!”
“May he save you from unwanted sword strikes.”
“If anyone even uses those anymore. Looks like most of our encounters are magic-based these days.”
“Does that mean there is such a thing as wanted sword strikes? That’s just weird.”
“WILL YOU MAKE YOUR MOVE ALREADY, EVIL?! I’M ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND HERE!”
With the three sacred items in hand at last, the next move is in evil’s hands. What will they do? How will their plans unfold? What evil words will be spoken?
“Yes, I am well equipped and ready to dole out punishment to evil.”
“There will be spanking.”
“Which is exactly what a bad, bad boy deserves.”
“I feel so unclean. No showers can rectify this defilement.”