Chapter 27: Tank You Very Much.
“I think my reality just broke.”
“I think I’m going to throw up.”
“Apparently, there’s a glitch in the matrix.”
“So, what the hell do we do now?”
“Sorry, that was my sanity. I think it just snapped.”
“At least the sword looks… normal.”
“Let’s go before we all start to warp around.”
“Yeah, it’d be a real shame if Guy’s balls disappeared before we escaped.”
“Or if we exited, only to find out that Arty’s head is now NOT up his own ass.”
“Haha, wow. He got you there.”
“Maybe so, but… OH MY GOD ARTY, YOUR HEAD IS GONE!”
“So, how’s the view? Do you need a good douche before we leave? Maybe the lubrication will make it easier for you to pull your head back out.”
“OK, you had your payback, Guy. Let it be now.”
“Enough? Oh, I’m sure I can come up with some more of that.”
“Can? Yes. Should? Not right now.”
“Are… you even listening to me?”
“Don’t think I’ll give you too many freebies, elf needle.”
“Oh, for the love of….”
“Guys, enough!”
“Yeah, seriously. Enough. Shut up and listen to me for a change.”
“Um… who the hell are you?!”
“D’OH!”
“Well, first things first…”
“Um… OK? And?”
“It’s ringing! Can’t you see the importance of that fact?! RINGING!”
“Well… yes, it does, but…”
“…so what?!”
“A sword should only make sounds when it cuts into something and not play Yakety Sax just because I whip it out.”
“Do we have any ‘haste’ spells? I think that melody would be really appropriate to that.”
“You guys are all idiots. You’re the ones who are supposed to defeat us? I would never be able to live down that kind of shame.”
“Don’t worry. You won’t have to. Live, I mean.”
“See? If we DO defeat you, that means you weren’t meant to rule squat. That’s just how it goes.”
“As if that’d ever happen.”
“Oh, but it will. You might even say it’s your destiny.”
“It is not!”
“Is too.”
“Is not!”
“Is too.”
“Is not.”
“Is too.”
“Is no-.. oh, shut up.”
“Au contraire, Daos; I AM an enemy without Dual Blade, because I don’t have it in my possession yet.”
“…..”
“We’ll be doing something about that shortly, though.”
“Then I’ll be the ‘no enemy WITH the dual blade’.”
“Um… that’s actually enemy with, or, as he stated earlier, you’ll be ‘no enemy without Dual Blade’.”
“We’re all for ‘no enemies left behind’, though.”
“He just HAD to prove us wrong, didn’t he?”
“Well… he was the one who left US behind, not the other way around, so it doesn’t count.”
“That’s right.”
“You two get prideful over the strangest things.”
“Well, semantics ARE important.”
“An island in the sky? Enough of your lies!”
“What’s with the comically theatrical voice, Max.”
“Sorry. It just sounded a bit silly, that’s all.”
“And speaking of silly…”
“Whoa, duuuude.”
“That’s far out, man.”
“More like far up.”
“So because I took your sword, you’re trying to kill me with comedy?”
“Not quite, but that’s a good idea.”
“Well, we haven’t quite figured out how ‘faith’ and ‘terror’ fit together, but we can work something out. With lasers if possible.”
“Lasers?”
“Yes, lasers.”
“Point taken.”
“point blank, more like.”
“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!”
“SHUT DOWN SHUT DOWN SHUT DOWN SHUT DOWN!”
“Even though he’s kind of out of our reach at the moment, but seriously; screw him.”
“Oh, lordy, now he’s doing the ‘can’t touch me’ taunts. Of all the childish…”
“‘AM I ANNOYING YOU? HUH? HUH?!'”
“‘IT’S A FREE WORLD!'”
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Oh, just making sure you know how much of a douche you are.”
“Well, we can always fly up there.”
“That’s a super-swell idea, Maxim. One thing, though; HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?!”
“Eh, I dunno. I know someone who might, though.”
“Well, it did spew laser death just moments ago, but outside of that, it looks kind of silly.”
“Yeah, it does. Who the hell gets intimidated by flying islands anyway?”
*who indeed*
“OH GOD IT’S A FLYING CITY! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE WHEN IT UNLEASHES LASER RAIN ON US ALL!”
“What? No! What the hell are you on about now?”
“Alex has always been a little weenie. That’s what he gets for being under Luna’s thumb all this time.”
*um… never mind*
“But… but we’re not space marines. And we didn’get our BFS either.”
“BFS?”
“Yeah, Big F…”
“WHOA NOW! LANGUAGE ALERT!”
“…ing Sword.”
*whew*
“Nice save.”
“Thank you.”
“It sounds a bit… unreliable.”
“Yes, that was what I was going to say.”
“And this from the man that once told us we could always rely on science.”
“Does that mean you didn’t build the best engine you possibly could?”
“Um… well…”
“And just as I thought thing finally started making any sense. But sure, we get the warped temples, the ringing swords, the floating islands… everything.”
“I thought you said you were the best scientist ever? Now you spring this on us.”
“Actually, I only said I was a genius. I can’t speak for whatever the idiots in town have been saying, though.”
“I… don’t really remember. NEVER MIND! LET’S GO GET ENGINE!”
“But if we’re going to go there to get an engine, does that mean…”
“That sounds like stealing.”
“Yeah, it’s so much like stealing, it’s… stealing.”
“Thank you, Mr. Sarcastic.”
“It was once the secret of the elves, but… monkey see, monkey do.”
“Well, it sure is OK to murder for world peace, so stealing should be a minor offense by comparison.”
“Would be hilarious if that meant we could just walk around inside people’s houses and just take everything they have stashed away.”
“Hey, remember when we followed that traitorous douchebag into that dungeon?”
“That’s right. We had to follow him to get the ruby icon back. That was a ride.”
“Bridge got destroyed, though, so since we can’t really swim, we have to find another way.”
“And there is always another way.”
“See?”
“Not much, given the murky waters, no.”
“Are you going to start complaining about oil in the water now?”
“No, there’s no oil here, Mr. Greenpeace, but this ship did kick up a lot of dust from the sea bed.”
“I wonder if the people from Gratze care about their enviroment.”
“I guess we’ll find out.”
“Yep, this is one bridge in pieces, alright.”
“Curiously square pieces. Is this a human thing?”
“STOP SAYING THAT! THERE IS NO ‘HUMAN’ THING! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!”
“Hmm. Your anger is highly illogical.”
“Give it a rest, Mr. Spock. Or you won’t be living long or prospering.”
“She’s ‘hopping mad’, am I right?”
“Man, these people are going completely overboard with their dungeon carpets.”
“Red AND blue. I bet if we put on 3D glasses, this place would mess with our heads just as much as the sword shrine.”
“Oh. No dungeon this time around. I guess this’ll be easier than we thought.”
“…um, or maybe not.”
“You just HAD to open your big mouth, didn’t you?”
“Hey, don’t blame this on ME. They would have been out here even if I hadn’t said that.”
“Who are you and when are you going to shut the hell up?”
“By the way, I do believe you expressed disappointment about not getting the chance to experience a dungeon on your way here. We can help you with that.”
“Um… no, that’s…”
“…not what we had in mind.”
“Too many thieves?! Why would this place attract thieves anyway? Is there some kind of ‘best engine ever’ shortage all over the world or something?”
“I mean… you kept quiet until now? Usually you’d jump at the chance to chew our heads off about something.”
“Well, I don’t really see how things could get any more stupid already.”
“And I was wrong. How about that.”
“Not that I’m arguing that, but… how do you know these two?”
“Well, they… dropped by our village some years ago, and…. you know what? Never mind. I don’t want to relive that particular part of the whole ordeal.”
“I’ll… uh, take your word for that.”
“Even though in this case, I kind of wish I could? Like… a lot?”
“Is there something you’re not telling us, Max?”
“Yes, I am, and you can thank me for it later.”
“Wait, you haven’t met them before, Guy?”
“Well…. no.”
“Me neither.”
“Seriously? But how does that… were you alone when you met them, Maxim?”
“No, Tia was with me. She’s… uh, well, I guess you never met her. Nice girl. Very business minded.”
“I do believe they’ve forgotten all about us, Bart.”
“Right you are, Berty.”
“Do they always talk like that?”
“Oh, you have NO idea.”
“They’ve barely spoken, and I’m already feeling some very… violent thoughts. Dark thoughts. Thoughts that include fists getting rammed down throats.”
“Been there.”
“I noticed you didn’t add ‘done that’.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.”
“Yeah. Being locked in with these two idiots has got to break SOME laws of the Geneva convention or something.”
“What the hell is a Geneva convention?”
“I don’t know, but someone should invent it. As soon as possible.”
“So… do we follow them, or… do we remain in here now that they’re gone?”
“I… uh, don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW! OH GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!”
“We should… probably go. If the two idiots get caught, they’re probably going to be placed right back in here.”
“That’s… uncharacteristically intelligent thinking, coming from you. But you put my mind at peace, so… let’s go. And… thanks.”
“Gratitude accepted.”
“Rrgh, don’t be so smug about it, jerk.”
“You… you tried lifting it? A tank? I don’t even know where to start here.”
“Well, we’re here to steal an engine, which I’m sure weighs a ton too. Are we going to have some kind of ‘who’ll break their backs faster’ competition or something?”
“If only we brought Yakety Sax. We could use the double speed.”
“It would make for a hilarious heist.”
“Hm. We meet more soldiers. Do we fight this time, or do we just go to jail without protest, like last time?”
“FIGHT!”
“I knew you’d say that.”
“And you disagree?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“I wouldn’t call getting captured ‘knowing what you’re doing’, exactly.”
“It’s part of our plan, as you welly well well should know.”
“STOP SAYING THAT!”
“Oh, don’t get your willy in a nilly, lady. We’ll be banging our beats out pretty soon.”
“Can I kill them, Maxim? Please?”
“I should say no, but….”
“Pah! Two more than last time, but I have some stress to relieve myself of, so…”
“Let’s rock this casbah like it’s never been rocked before.”
“Look who’s coming up with stupid slogans now.”
“Ugh! I need to get away from those two as soon as possible. They’re doing things to my head.”
“Yes, we can work welly well well. And we’ll be on our welly well way now.”
“Please do. We’ll… stay here for a while. I got some mental scrubbing to do before we nick that engine.”
“Ooh. ‘Nick’. I like that. Thank you, lady.”
“You’re an inspiration, lady.”
*sob*
“I know.”
“……”
“WHY?! WHY COULDN’T THEY HAVE HAD THE STUPID BEAT OUT OF THEM TOO?! IT’S NOT FAIR!”
“Selan, dear… calm down. It’s not worth it.”
“I know, I know. I just…. nrrrgh.”
“See? Here’s three Gold Gorems. Let’s defeat them.”
“It’s not going to be enough. NOT ENOUGH!”
“Someone’s heading off to the dark side in a hurry.”
“Who knew two idiot thieves could be so dangerous.”
“The sad thing is; they’re not even aware of it. Probably.”
“Well, since you’re not the kind of girl to go for gold, how about some octopus balls.”
“Sure thing. Let’s get a-kickin’.”
“I could go for a slice.”
“Mmmm. Skewers.”
“Well… I guess it’s good that you’re getting into this.”
“Heeey. You’re not pink at all.”
“Quick. Poke them in the eye.”
“They’re… they’re staring at me.”
“And making kissy-faces to boot. That’s going to follow me for a while.”
“Uh… and also, lions.”
“And some more gardening.”
“Oh my God, that’s so cute.”
“They’ve got wings too? Didn’t notice that right away.”
“Do we really need to kill them?”
“Since when were you against the killing?”
“But… but… look. Cute.”
“Guy, they’re kind of attacking us. And not with quizzes, but claws.”
“And cute little fangs.”
“This must be Guy’s first encounter with MOE.”
“OK, so… what now?”
“Those aren’t cute at all. Let’s kill them as soon as possible.”
“That’s the spirit…. you asshole.”
“What?! They’re attacking us, aren’t they?”
“Well, that didn’t stop you from begging for the Sphinxes’ lives.”
“Just give it up, Selan. Guy’s been hit by the stupid ray again.”
*sigh*
“Oh God…”
“I… think… they’re here to keep an eye on us.”
“They’re… staring.”
“Yep. That’s pretty much all they can do.”
“Well, there’s only one thing to do in a case like this.”
“Ow. Right in the eye. You assholes.”
“But… you’re nothing BUT eye.”
“Yes. So?”
“Urgh! Never mind. Again! In the eye!”
“YOU BASTAAARDS!”
“Who knew beings without a mouth could TALK so much.”
“If only ‘Bart and Berty’ was an attack I could throw at them.”
“What was that you said about the Geneva convention earlier?”
“I DON’T CARE! THE EYE DIES!”
“Um… they’re already dead. And now you got the Basilisk to retread without a fight even. I don’t know whether to be impressed or not.”
“And we have a…. key.”
“Basement key? That’s… unnervingly normal.”
“Aren’t we already IN the basement, though?”
“Maybe they put the key down there in case people locked themselves in the basement.”
“And stupid is back. We missed you.”
“It was a good idea to hide the stairs under a pillar.”
“It was an even better idea to have a group of white dragons guarding it.”
“I wonder if there are any yellow dragons.”
“I don’t even… want to know whether that was a serious question or if you’re just trying to be juvenile.”
“Hm. Well, this is fun.”
“Max, don’t forget your earlier lever addiction and rehab.”
“Right. We wouldn’t want a fallback now, would we?”
“The buckets. The buckets are free.”
“Hurry. Throw something into them.”
“Uh….”
“That was your first thought?”
“Um…. yes?”
“So, did you throw up in the green bucket or the purple bucket.”
“Can I throw up in both?”
“Aren’t we greedy?”
“You have a very weird way of thinking of greed.”
“Nothin’ but the leeeevers.”
“Oh crap, Maxim’s falling into it again. Help me out here, guys.”
“I wish I could, but he’s hogging all the special equipment.”
“That’s what she said.”
“……”
“What?!”
“Hmmm.”
“Maxim, this needs to stop. You need to let go. Ideally when that pillar over there is in an upright position. And if you say ‘that’s what she said’ again, Guy, I will kill you.”
“That’s w-… uh…”
“So the monkey doth listen?”
“Oh, shut up.”
“We have many miracles now.”
“Give them to Guy, because Lord knows he needs them.”
“I do NOT! I already have a girlfriend.”
“Amazingly enough.”
“OK, what the hell is this?”
“Some kind of code?”
“Push the buttons in a particular order, maybe? It couldn’t possibly be as annoying as that grass thing we dealt with earlier.”
“Oh. The button just sends the platform to the open area if one is nearby. That’s… kind of boring.”
“But at least relatively unproblematic.”
“And we are up in… this kind of room again.”
“If there are any guards this time around, we just fight ’em.”
“I hate to admit it, but I do agree.”
“Nobody? Boooooring.”
“I don’t know about that. Look over there.”
“Those two? Uh oh, I hope they’re not talking about who I think they’re talking about.”
“Well, then… we’ll just wait a little, until the target practice is done. Problem solved.”
“That’s uncharacteristically evil of you, Lady Selan. Even if I admit it’d solve us a lot of headaches in the future.”
“Not to mention bad slogans and accents.”
*sigh* “Fine! Let’s just…”
“Because our party comes with a lot of punch. Get it? Punch?! Like… with our fists?”
“YESIGETITYOU’REVERYCLEVERTHANKYOUVERYMUCH!”
“Wait, they call you that over here too?”
“YES, AND IT’S YOUR STUPID FAULT!”
“How is that MY fault?”
“Because you CALLED ME THAT WHEN WE FIRST MET THEM, YOU IDIOT!”
“Of course we are. You have six knights and one tank. Sure, the tank is an unknown as of yet, but we’ve eaten six knights for breakfast several times.”
“You can throw in the redheads too, if you like.”
“And the tank engine too, but that’s a given at this point.”
“Your tank to my face? Who the hell speaks like that?”
“Five year olds, mostly. And Guy.”
“So, basically… five year olds.”
“Heeey. Even five year olds get their feelings hurt, you know.”
The engine finally within their grasp, our heroes ponder their next step. Should they do a snatch-n-run, or should they just go for the full nelson.
“Well… someone is clearly compensating here.”
“Shut up, you! Now take blast to face and die!”
“That’s what she-..”
*GLARE*
“…yikes! Never mind.”
“……”
“Look. All of his barrels went limp.”
“Must… not…