Chapter 25: You’re fired. Literally.
“Well, at least that ordeal is over and done with.”
“Oddly enough, in some ways, it’s also the side mission that paid off the most.”
“Speak for yourselves. I got jack zilch.”
“Well, boo hoo. If only you had a girlfriend, huh? Except you DO have a girlfriend, so stop complaining.”
“Almost. We got interrupted, though.”
“Do you two want to rent a room before we move on to the next point of our agenda?”
“We…. might take you up on that offer. Except we’re not taking YOU anywhere, but you get my drift.”
“So smug…”
“The what?”
“Well, isn’t that convenient. Now we know where to go.”
“And this knowledge earlier would’ve saved us one trip of dubious necessity.”
“We have to ask an elder, though? I hope he’s not like that old guy back in my hometown.”
“That depends on the definition of ‘living together’, but… yeah.”
“Oooh, it iz zhe viper.”
“If ve azk nizely, vill she vipe zhe vindovs?”
“How the hell do we know it’s a female Viper anyway?”
“Because it’s called a SHE Viper, dude. It’s pretty self-explanatory, yes?”
“That’s not my point. I just…. never mind.”
“Well, we’re being blocked by these weirdly linear stone formations.”
“Only one thing to do.”
“Dive underneath it.”
“Floating stones. Of course.”
“It’s the perfect defense.”
“From what? Non-diving boats?”
“For instance.”
“A dragon that breathes fire? Now, I’ve never heard about that before.”
“Yeah, that sounds too outlandish to have any root in reality. You people and your silly wives-tales.”
“Which sounds kind of ironic, coming from you.”
“Well, I would call it… somewhat optimistic.”
“Even if he brought the biggest cork in the world.”
“OK, let’s head sou-..DAMN IT!”
“That was fast.”
“Gold Golem?”
“Gorem.”
“Whatever. Anyway, I think Gold Golems…”
“Gorems.”
“Shut up! Anyway, if they’re made of gold, they should be the easiest ones to… take care of.”
“Technically, defeating these guys should net us lots of money too.”
“Look. Those mountains have jam on them.”
“Good golly! Let’s go get some to spread on our pieces of toast.”
“Now you’re just making me hungry.”
“Oh, you dastardly dungeon. That’s an exit point, isn’t it?”
“Man, it would’ve been SO easy if we could just PULL stuff instead of just pushing it.”
“Not to mention if we could just jump. Or climb.”
“But you DO know how to jump, Selan. In fact, you’re quite good at it.”
“Oh, shut up! That doesn’t count, and you know it.”
“Somebody scared the turkeys.”
“That’s not a turkey. It’s a chicken.”
“Looks like a vulture to me. Or an ostrich? I… have no idea.”
“It’s a crow. Don’t you guys know anything?!”
“……..”
“What?!”
“That is NOT a crow.”
“Yeah, I mean… seriously. Just look at it.”
And it looks more like a turkey? Or a chicken?”
“Well, it looks ribbed more than anything else. And goofy.”
“Well… yeah. I’m not arguing that.”
“And why argue, when we can focus on those… turtle… things instead.”
“Buh!”
“Look. The dragon brought its purple bucket.”
“It really looks like it’s out gathering something, doesn’t it?”
“Wait, it’s a GREEN dragon? Is it chameleon-like or something?”
“Presumably, it’s not the fire-breathing one we’re supposed to find, then.”
“At least the bucket is still colored correctly.”
“It’s also called a Venus FLY! Not flytrap, which is also not correct, since it’s a pitcher plant, but whatever….”
“You’re such a botany geek.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Yes, good thing this arrow made of bushes was here, or we might not have noticed the door.”
“This is one of those ‘burn all the bushes, and the door will open’ situations, isn’t it?”
“Yep.”
“Well, we got bombs and we got fire arrows. Pick yer poison.”
“Why not use all?”
“Why not indeed.”
“It’s still a little early for this guy, but he’ll get here eventually.”
“Which will be all the more ironic, I guess.”
One ton? I don’t think we’re enough people for that.”
“Do you weigh a ton, Selan?”
“Oh, he’s trying to get a rise out of me. That’s so cute, but it also means we can’t count on his head to tip the scales either.”
“Speaking of heads….”
“Do you weigh a ton, Mr. Hydra?”
“That’s so rude. And no, I don’t.”
“Well, you’re no use to us, then.”
“That’s even more rude.”
“Well, boo hoo, Mr. Sensitive. Don’t dehydrate — get it? DeHYDRAte? — yourself by crying with all your eyes simultaneously.”
“That’s so many kinds of wrong, I don’t even know where to start.”
“Hmm, I can sense a hole in the ground… in the making. Let’s test our total weight.”
“Yeah, don’t mind the big guy in the back there.”
“Well, at least we managed to get a little bit of a rise out of it, so you flapping your lips wasn’t a complete waste, Guy.”
“I look at that thing, and I wonder who gets to decide which way they’re going to fly.”
“I think I also know where they coined the phrase ‘heads you win, tails you lose’. Because the heads are clearly in the majority here.”
“I… don’t think that’s it.”
“Well, when in doubt, get one of those big suckers to fall down the hole.”
“I guess HE weighed a ton.”
“Or the rest of it.”
“Whoa! Quiet, now. If we sneak quietly past, we can avoid a lot of needless fights.”
“WHAT WAS THAT YOU WERE SAYING?! SPEAK UP!”
“GAAAAH!”
Goddamn it, Guy. Was that really necessary?”
“Maybe not, but I thought I heard you say something along the lines of us not fighting stuff. But that’s just crazy talk, right?”
“I’ll show you crazy talk, you stab-happy moron.”
“Eyes in front, guys. We got a golem made out of goddamn magma here.”
“A golem made out of manga? That’s… unusual.”
“Still tempted to stab him in the backside.”
“I know, but… restrain yourself.”
“Why?!”
“Because we kind of have to fight some more after we’re done with the salamanders and the golems. And dragons at that.”
“Red dragon? I’m guessing these guys aren’t the ones we’re looking for either?”
“Prolly not, no.”
“Well, we are at the top. Which means nothing when we’re traversing a volcano, I guess.”
“Nope. Into the fire-y depths we go.”
“Hoo boy, it’s the T-guard.”
“What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and gobs up the neighbor’s dog….”
“You’re dead set on fighting absolutely every damn enemy in this cave, aren’t you?”
“Well, maybe these guys are among those nonagressive ones.”
“…then again, maybe not.”
“Yay!”
“Yay?! Look at those slavering mouths. Look at those damn teeth?”
“They will look good on my mantlepiece.”
“Or maybe you will look good on their mantlepiece?”
“Oh, hey, I found a keYAAOOW! OW OW OW OW OW!”
“What’s wrong?”
“IT’S HOT! OUCHY OUCHY OUCHY OUCHY! I’M NOT PUTTING THAT ONE IN MY POCKET!”
“If you did, you’d have a HOT POCKET, am I right?”
“…….OUCH OUCH OUCH! TOO HURTY TO STAY SILENT FOR TOO LONG!”
“They’re back? I thought we defeated those guys.”
“Well, then we’ll just defeat them again. I honestly don’t see the problem here.”
“Idiots rarely do.”
“And that’s why we live longer.”
“Quantity over quality, huh?”
“Ouch! OK, that’s… I used the key, so now I can throw it away.”
“What’sa matter, Max. Getting your nuts burned off?”
“Almost. And boy, aren’t you being quite obnoxious today? Did you decide to amuse yourself with whether you’d be able to piss someone off today?”
“Three chests. Maybe it’s just me, but a lot of chests come in threes lately.”
“Three is a magic number.”
“Is that an elf thing?”
“Nah, just a song I heard.”
“Magic scale? S-pro ring?! I… don’t even know what to think of the latter one.”
“Sounds like a tool for the ol’ wedding night.”
“It’s the S-prostrate. Really softens up the ol’ muscle.”
“Ew.”
“Well, at least we’ve reached lava too. Shouldn’t be long now.”
“Oh, poopie. This’ll be a pain, I bet.”
“I smell trial and arrow.”
“That’s ‘trial and ERROR’.”
“Not in this room, no. And make that FIRE arrow.”
“Of course.”
*a thousand and one days later*
“Gnaaaaargh! Finally done. Rarely have I done something so utterly frustrating just to get past one single room.”
“And there’s nothing else to it either. That’s about it.”
“And the plants couldn’t just grow once either. They had to repeat the whole thing several times over.”
“All these ins and outs are giving me a headache. How am I supposed to choose between stairways when my head hurts like the dickens?”
“Adventuring; It leads to fame, treasure and… severe migraines.”
“And speaking of migraines….”
“It’s like we accidentally dropped by the big draconic family reunion. And humorously enough, I’m actually the least worried about the spear-wielding ones.”
“That’s only because you know they won’t chew you to death, at least.”
“Ah, yes, the S-mind. That’s when your head dons a little Superman cape and spends all its time going ‘EUREKA!'”
“That’s all well and good, but if I don the Kraken rock, will I grow six more limbs? If that’s the case, I can swing even more swords.”
“That’s our Guy; foregoing intelligence for better fighting capabilities.”
“OK, here’s hoping we’ll reach the end of… whatever’s awaiting us in here.”
“Which begins with… lava. And lots of it.”
“But that’s good, right?”
“Well, normally, we’d burst into flame by standing too close, but good thing we’re not following that kind of realism, huh?”
“Oh, look. Mr. Rex and Mr. Dragon are having a chat.”
“Yeah. About how better to eat us, I bet.”
“This cave sure is blinged out, huh?”
“The Switch ring? Are all my switch-related problems now finally over?”
“Try ‘S-witch’… whatever the hell that means.”
“Well… at least this ring is hip all over.”
“…….”
“What?! Oh, like that switch comment was comedy gold.”
“So, ice chunks plus lava equals water? I’m not sure it works quite like that?”
“Tell that to the small rock floating in the bubbling pool over there.”
“DON’T LOOK AT IT, OR YOU’LL TURN TO STONE!”
“So, if you put it in your pocket, will you blind your one-eyed snake?”
“Well, he’ll turn rock hard at least.”
“…….”
“What?!”
“I’m just considering visiting your hometown after we’re done with this.”
“When we do, please go sleep with your girlfriend, because I swear to God; if I have to listen to just ONE more of your ‘that’s what SHE said’ joke variants, I’m going to throw stones at you until you die.”
“Um… this bridge seems kind of… brittle. We should probably not walk on it.”
“Well, it’s not like we have much of a choice at the moment, so move on. It’ll be fine.”
“Or not. But hey, if we hadn’t done that, we couldn’t reach the stairs over there.”
“It scares me to think this bridge was built to collapse in this manner. And every time the… uh, creatures who live here get a visitor, they have to rebuild the bridge so that it collapses in just the right way.”
“Right. Well, this doesn’t look completely silly at all.”
“The stairs on top of the pillar… for when you just want to get a few steps up higher.”
“What’s that down there.”
“Whoa, careful now, or we’ll…”
“OH GOD SWEET JESUS WE’RE ABOUT TO GET A MAGMA BATH!”
“Well, that was scary.”
“And now we have to hookshot over more lava.”
“Let’s waterboard this one.”
“Magmaboard?”
“That sounds like an even worse idea.”
“No, you!”
“No, you!”
“No, you!”
“No, you!”
“No, you!”
“No, you!”
“No, you!”
“No, you!”
“No, you!”
“No, you!”
“SHUT UP!”
“Maybe not, but that looks like quite the ordinary dragon to me.”
“Then again, maybe not. Wowza.”
“So, what does it do?”
“Explosions, apparently.”
“I approve of this.”
“Well, if you’re surrounded by various forms of fire, it pays to be original, I guess.”
“In that case, let’s make it snow.”
“So, which one of you cast that spell?”
“Not me. Probably Selan.”
“Nope. Arty?”
“Um… no, it wasn’t.”
“…….”
“Spooookyyyy.”
“Either way, we won.”
“MWAHAHAHAHA, ALL THE EXPERIENCE IS MINE!”
“Yyyyeah, no it’s not. All that goes into the shared experience pie, and there’s ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE.”
“Of course you do. And did you do that when you told us to piss off as well?”
“Aheh. Yeah, that was just…”
“…you trying to feed the dragon some geriatric pie? Personally, I subscribe to stabs, but that’s just me; a guy who wants to continue living.”
“You have no respect for your elders, do you?”
“Nope. Thank the old guy in my hometown for that. Man, was he ever detached from reality.”
With the dragon defeated, the old man is saved. Finishing yet another good deed (culminating in many good dead), our heroes turn towards the elder whom they just saved.
“Um….”
“I’m not sure I like the look of that leery grin as he suggested dropping by his place for some… advice.”
“Well, at least he’s not leering at you.”
“I now regret going for the number one elf fashion statement; tights.”