Chapter 18: Don’t Copy That Floppy.
“Jyad is driving like a maniac.”
“Of course he is. He’s… A MAYUN!”
“It’s the scientific way.”
“The loony way, more like it.”
“A man doesn’t feel like he’s alive until he’s driven extremely expensive machinery at irresponsible speeds.”
“You people seriously need to stop watching The Man Show.”
“That’s… just satire, you know.”
“Yes, you sure are amazing at not driving that boat. Mad props for the engine, though.”
“Yes, that is what I’m getting at, you terrible person. You have to take the fun out of anything, don’t you?”
“Well, you’re putting fun into things. Someone has to keep the balance.”
“That does not make any sense scientifically, logically OR metaphorically.”
“Or innuendo…ically.”
“Please dear Lord, not that.”
“Well, you were the one who started talking about putting things into other things, and… never mind. I’m not taking that one further.”
“But you already have, daaahling.”
“Quiet, you!”
“Yes, dear.”
“You’re… using the ‘henpecked husband’ response, Maxim.”
“Yes, dear.”
“That’s… so not fair.”
“No, dear.”
“Deal closed!”
“Sounds like a raw deal to me, but then, I’m not a scientist genius.”
“You can say that again.”
“Oh, quiet, you.”
“Well, there’s no getting through this blockade.”
“We have no choice, I guess. We have to… sail around this tiny island.”
“But that’ll set us back… like almost a whole minute.”
“The White Whale…. it’s so cuuuute.”
“Ergh! It’s accompanied by a Killer Whale, though. That’s no good.”
“Well, nothing to do but kill it, I guess. I hope the two aren’t mates or something.”
“Ow!”
“I’ll take that as a sign that… uh, he is. Or she?”
“…..”
“Gah! I can’t tell the gender of these damn whales.”
“This discussion turned pretty sinister all of a sudden.”
“Well, THEY attacked US.”
“We’re about to have a…. uh, you guys alright?”
“Yeah, it’s… nothing. ”
“Greenpeace is SO going to have a field day all over our asses over this.”
“You mean you guys are actually crossing borders? That’s almost impressive by itself.”
“The reasons for them doing so, though? That’s… considerably less impressive.”
“That’s… pretty damn impressive again.”
“Especially if these guys are at each other’s throats.”
“The what now?”
“Dear lord, let this not turn into another fetch quest.”
“It’s no good, Selan. This reeks of it a mile away in every direction.”
“Leave it to the kids; they don’t seem to give a rats poopie that the very enemy is in this castle.”
“Well, it IS a very counter-productive war. It feels almost… symbolic, in a way. As does this ceremony. Or exchange or whatever it is.”
“Oh, do you now?”
“Well, we are kind of looting every place we enter, so I’m not sure we should judge her for being greedy here.”
“Yeah, but… that still takes a lot of work, not to mention danger. Maid-san here just want stuff given to her, though, which just rankles my chains.”
“You have chains? SAY NO MORE!”
“…..”
“A FEAST FOR THE ENEMY!”
“WE’VE LOATHED THESE PEOPLE ALL OUR LIVES, BUT A SMALL TRINKET WILL SET THINGS RIGHT, AND END GENERATIONS UPON GENERATIONS OF HOSTILITY AND WARRING!”
“Doesn’t look like anyone here is bearing much of a grudge.”
“In fact, this woman is looking a little bit too excited to serve the guy.”
“She probably watched some kind of maid harem anime or something.”
“Yeah, that’s probably i-.. wait, what?”
“And she’s apparently not the only one.”
“Hey, a guy’s gotta have some romance too, you know.”
“Harem anime has nothing to do with romance, you dimwit.”
“And let’s not forget that YOU ALREADY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!”
“No, but I got a pretty good idea where this is going.”
“What is it with you girls and romance stories where the poor guy gets shafted?”
“Because we just loooove seeing you guys all miserable and stuff, that’s what.”
“I knew it!”
“Um… Guy. She’s just being sarcastic. Besides, in those stories, the girls doesn’t exactly get off any easier.”
“Exactly. They don’t get shafted… if you know what I mean, durhur.”
“I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”
“Heh. Yeah, don’t finish that sentence. This game only has an age rating of… probably PG-13 or something.”
“Maxim, dear; the fact that we have a child is a pretty clear indication of what we’ve been spending some evenings doing.”
“Hush now. It’s fine for us to be walking around murdering various beings wholesale, but we can’t say that we’ve been doing the horizontal polka. People might get offended.”
“Yeah. We live in a stupid, stupid world.”
“Yeah, that sounds like a rooom fit for a Prince. Did he enter through the back door too?”
“There’s so much wrong with those two statements for the dirty mind, I don’t even know where to start.”
“Well, if bribes won’t work, I have no idea what might.”
“This whole situation so has ‘impending doom’ written all over it.”
“Back door and all.”
“Yeah, this’ll be the relationship for the ages.”
“And built on such a lovely foundation too.”
“IT HAS BEGUN!”
“Science is also all about the cause and effect. Idiots keep talking about the ruby icon all over the castle — icon is stolen by someone at a critical point. Quest happens.”
“You have obviously studied this.”
“Oh, you have NO idea.”
“WELL, GEE, LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND!”
“Might as well just go up there and get it over with.”
“Well, how about some big talk instead, then?”
“And if that’s too tall of an order, we could always have a medium talk instead.”
“Why, we’ve got talks in all sizes. If you like, we can even have an argument. But that’ll cost ya.”
“Pah! Who would be stupid enough to buy an argument.”
“Well, that would be a sensible thing to do, but something tells me nobody here is that smart. So spill.”
“Thieves would be most people’s first bet, but since this estate is in a dire… um… state, might it be for political reasons?”
“I know, right? This place is in need of a Poirot or a Miss Marple so much.”
“I… don’t know about that. Do we really need any of them to deal with Bart and Berty?”
“If the two of them were this world’s only problem; no, not really. However…”
“There is the matter of the Sinistrals. Never mind a certain kingdom up north.”
“We’re… still in over our heads, aren’t we?”
“Yep.”
“Well, you are the one who’s practically drooling over the loot he’s bringing. Doesn’t exactly give the impression of altruism to me.”
“If you like that ruby icon so much, why don’t you marry it?!”
“Hmm. That’s a great idea.”
“I… what have I done?”
“What kind of thieves are you? You can’t afford to get picky with the loot, you idiots.”
“Hey, when you got class, you got class.”
“Oh, Christ….”
“Funny thing is; I believe them. If they say they didn’t take the ruby icon, they didn’t take the ruby icon. Even if they somehow knew about it.”
“I guess that means Bert and Barty’s been here for quite sime time.”
“OH, BUUUURN!”
“Well, well, well. Someone’s being quite sensible.”
“Damn it. I guess we’ll be getting our emotional manipulation to go out on this quest.”
“I prefer the word ‘encouragement’ myself.”
“That’s only because you’re nice and stuff.”
“Yep. Not a single speck of tsundere in you.”
“Yeesh, Tia should’ve heard that.”
“That’s… probably not a good idea.”
“Damn it, Maxim. Why did we have to return to these two?”
“Oh, nothing. I just had to remind myself who we’re really doing this for.”
“….of course.”
“Well, in that case, I have a better suggestion for you.”
“Well… why not? You got a swishy bridge here.”
“That’s because their King and Queen are hoarding dingbats, and so the demand was made.”
“You would totally have thought it was worth it if you could have seen their slobbering faces, though. That was the thing hilarious, hilarious dreams are made of.”
“Ohoho, aren’t we precocious?”
“‘This is MY country. Mine. My own!'”
“She’s a little Gollum in the making.”
“Actually, it was Frodo who said that.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“Of course it it. I mean, you guys just travel so much, don’t you?”
“How the hell can they live off… how much do you guys demand for passage anyway?”
“Yeesh, and here I thought these guys had any right to be all high and mighty about looking down on that other greedy kingdom. Joke’s on me, I guess.”
“Yeah, we already figured that out, lady. We’re just looking around for now, though.”
“Normally, I’d be more a stickler for punctuality, but those assholes can sit and stew some more.”
“All of them.”
“Merde!”
“Well… at least it’s not whales this time.”
“Or Wales.”
“Or Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndro-..”
“HOKAY, WE’RE STOPPING THERE!”
“But… but… Llanfairpwllgw-..”
“NOPE!”
“YES! We have… uh… a castle.”
“Something new.”
“Of course. I should have seen that coming. I start a business and people come to me expecting me to do all kinds of job-related stuff, and all I get it money, money, money.”
“Um….”
“Yes, that’s… how businesses work.”
“Eh, I’m just foolin’ with ya. Sure, I’ve been a bit swamped with work lately, but I can always take the time to do favors for friends, so… what’cha need made this time around?”
“Sounds like a lovely nation to be a part of.”
“Oh, you have NO idea.”
“Honestly, I wonder why we’re even helping these people. Woulda felt even better if there was at least ONE person worth helping among the lot of them.”
“Um… yes, and working with glass IS what you can. What’s the problem?”
“Nothing, nothing. Jeez. I’ll get on it right away.”
“Because nobody would be able to spot the difference between glass and gemstones, right? Because one is hard rock while the other one is quite breakable if dropped, and I imagine there must be some difference in weight.”
“Hey! Don’t mix logic into this.”
“Well… except for weight and consistency, but greedy people are probably just idiots anyway.”
“Yeah. Remember that guy and the glass apple?”
“Uh… actually, I don’t.”
“Oh, that’s right. It was right before we met you. See, there was this rich guy…”
“Who is still living in this town, by the way.”
“…and he-.. wait, seriously?”
“Yeah, he’s… not doing so well these days. See, the funny part in all of this is that, once people escaped his debt, they… kind of didn’t want to have anything else to do with him anymore, and ‘being a greedy bastard’ isn’t exactly the kind of skillset to survive on when you have nobody under your thumb.”
“Yep. Not famous last words… at all.”
“Yep, we totally didn’t steal it or anything.”
“Ssssh.”
“Gack!”
“Bussssteeeed.”
“Well, that was faster than expected.”
“Eeeeh, I’m sure the King won’t notice. Much less the Queen, who really, REALLY wants the icon.”
“That would be nice. That way, we wouldn’t have to do any token dungeons this time around. Would be a great change of pace.”
“Knock on wood.”
“Aw, poopie.”
“Then why have you been fighting for several years already? If you had the ability to just crush whoever, what’s stopping you?”
“Um… well, that’s…”
“Maxim, what are you doing?”
“Could it be because either you’re full of crap, or could it also be that said invasion would make you notoriously unpopular among your surrounding kingdoms? Either way, you’re not big enough of a man to just do whatever the hell you please, and not noble enough to admit how selfish and asshat-ish that attitude is.”
“It’s the reign that keeps the mandom in check.”
“This conversation is getting more and more amusing by the second.”
“And it just got better. You go, Princess.”
“And she’s really standing up for the guy too. I think I smell the real reason why this peace thing got off the ground in the first place.”
“Is he now? Did he head off to a dungeon by any chance?”
“Urgh! I knew we weren’t getting away this time either.”
“DAMN YOU, DESTINY!”
“Maxim, whenever we’re done with the whole dungeon trek, mind if I tell this woman off?”
“Um… why are you asking me for permission?”
“Ah gots ta be a nice waifu, you know.”
“I really hope you’re just kidding around, because I’d hate to think your King got to you this good.”
“Yes, and no. It’s complicated. But never mind, I was going to give her a piece of my mind later anyway, so let’s just forget I ever asked.”
“I wonder about that. Sounds more like it’s got the power to make people fight over it.”
“I guess some people are fond of irony.”
And so, the hunt for the traitors was on. Puzzled by the idea that extremely valuable trinkets didn’t seem to do anything but foster greed, our heroes prepared themselves to delve into yet another dungeon in a long string of dungeons for the sake of the greater good.
“Yeah, don’t feel like you have to calm her down or anything.”
“Or even better; tell her to stop being such a greedy bitch. Seriously, this peace is built on the most flimsy, self-serving reason I’ve ever seen.”
“And you can quote science on that.”
“Dude’s so whipped.”
“Guys, come on. Cut me some slack here.”