Chapter 15: Idura’s Last Grandstand.
“Oh, look at Mr. Smooth Talker over here.”
“Somebody’s gonna see some action tonight, I bet.”
“I know. It’s so unfair.”
“…..”
“Guy, you already have a girlfriend. If you want some romance or, I would suspect, have sex, why not just ask her?! Is she saving herself for marriage or something?”
“No, not really.”
“Then I just… don’t… argh!”
“Leave it be, Selan. Just let him screw up on his own.”
“Yeah, might as well. No stress-related stroke is worth this.”
“Hey, guys. Look.”
“Um… wait a second.”
“I wonder if she was married. Because if that was the case…”
“Don’t look at me. I just boarded the train for Don’t Care, population heck if I know.”
“Oh, come on! This isn’t fair!”
“What’sa matter, Dekar. Not getting much back for your own personal investment?”
“Heh. Look who’s enjoying himself now.”
“Laaaaa la la la laaaa don’t care la la la don’t caaaaare.”
“And there goes the last adult female damsel.”
“I have to admit it was quite a clever move of the latecomers. They get to play the rescuing hero without having to face the danger.”
“Those assholes. And I had my harem plans all lined up too.”
“But Dekar, there’s still one left.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“You’re kind of… tiny. And I’m not a lolicon.”
“Give her a good ten – fifteen years, Dekar. I’m sure she’ll come around.”
“So says the guy with the devious grin.”
“And look who’s back.”
“Yeah, well… this was too amusing to miss.”
“…I should have seen that coming.”
“And the glorious joke is now complete. And it’s all on you.”
“Um… I’m… starting to feel bad about all this now.”
“Yeah. Nobody should have to suffer four rejections in a row… within five minutes.”
“Well, nobody should fall in love with four women either, and string them all along at the same time, but whatevs, right?”
“True, but I don’t think Dekar’s smart enough to string a woman along, much less four. So since someone else did the stringing, why not go through with the rescue and hope at least one would give him the time of day afterwards?”
“Well, it’s the whole damsel thing, but… yeah, fair enough, I guess.”
“Well, if we have to be all serious again….”
“Four Sinistrals are going to blow up the world. Yes, I do believe it’s time to get serious.”
“Also, didn’t we already kill Gades? Wouldn’t that mean that there’s Gades AND four other Sinistrals? And did I already ask you guys that before?”
“I… have no idea. All the monotonous key-sniffing, cave-stomping and running around has left my memory kind of hazy to earlier conversations.”
“Paaah. I knew it.”
Did he bring any kidnapped women along?”
“Why would he when he can just kidnap more women from the next city over. Then, we can rescue them too, so that they can all ignore you.”
“Hey, you wanted to do that too.”
“Yeah, but I’m smart enough to have a backup option.”
“There seems to be some kind of ‘who can be the biggest douche’ competition going on here… between Guy and Idura.”
“I’m sure he will enjoy being told that the next time we meet him.”
“You don’t say. Let’s go see him. We’re heroes, so I’m sure we’ll meet him right away.”
“Oh, listen to Mr. Schadenfreude here.”
“Hey, I wouldn’t have been so hard on these people if they’d only TRY something before leaving it to whatever heroes come running through their town.”
“Speaking of towns…”
“Calling this a ‘town’ might be a wee bit generous. It’s a neat little house with a very circular picket fence around it.”
“It’s even got a well all of its own.”
“I wouldn’t exactly call Idura a ‘super’ being. Fabulous, perhaps, but….”
“He sure is ‘super’ at running away, though.”
“Eesh, I think these people are only setting themselves up for disappointment.”
“And look at Blondie McBlonde here who, upon hearing news of super beings, goes straight into ‘gimme’ mode.”
“Oh, they’ll get something, alright.”
“Yeah, that can’t be good.”
“Couldn’t possibly be related, right?”
“Well, it’s… not a tower. That’s good, I guess?”
“Not that we haven’t already seen our share of temples, though.”
“So, what kind of ass can we expect to be able to kick in here, then? I got some frustrations to vent.”
“Well….”
“How about some random stones lying around?”
“You’re just a pillar of support, aren’t you?”
“Well, I have all these unlimited bombs in my pockets. Might as well use a few, right?”
“What’s with all the sea creatures on dry land? Wouldn’t it be better if they were saved for waterfront areas or underground caves or something?”
“Ammonite? I don’t even want to know how THAT one got created.”
“Their mating rituals must be quite interesting.”
“Well, it’s a couple of… uh, dogs.”
“Obvious joke is too obvious, isn’t it?”
“Yyyeah.”
“Hmmm, yes, I think I can see where this is going.”
“No! Not the hookshot!”
“We can still do the door up there, Maxim. There’s no need to go to extreme lengths.”
“Or… you know, relatively short lengths.”
“OK, so… what the hell was the point of this room? Aside from the chest, I mean.”
“What is the problem?”
“Well, I flick both switches, and that pole in the middle rises up. That’s… about it.”
“Then hook your ass over there and pick up your reward. Why does it have to be so difficult.”
“It could have been. Would make me feel more accomplished when I finished it.”
“Well, gee.. four evil people will ruin the world. We’re not exactly swimming in time here.”
“The blade was called what?”
“Uh… Dekar blade.”
“Mine? Sweet.”
“Funny part is; you ARE the only one who can wield this sword, as if the concept of holding a certain sword is completely alien to the rest of us. I don’t even remember if I had the ability to wield that frying pan Tia’s store had for sale.”
“Oh well, let’s check out what’s on the other side.”
“Either that is another medusa, or we’ve gotten a visit by Poison Ivy.”
“Joel Schumacher style?”
“…preferably not.”
“Oh, thank God. It was a medusa.”
“And a dragon… something… breaking up the combo.”
“NGAH! Why did that thing light up?”
“Motion sensing technology? How scientific. Well, let’s continue our journey to the epically magical deity showdown.”
“What the hell is that?”
“Did Idura send out his fabulous pink armor to fight us?”
“If I was his armor, I would want to do that as well.”
“Oh, it’s a Dullaha.. wait, Jurahan? Man, aren’t we being assaulted by a torrent of typos here.”
“Tell that to my editor.”
“…why would I do that? And what’s an editor anyway?”
“Curse you, extendo-wall. And curse you, pushable block underneath. How do you expect me to be able to figure this one out?”
“That doesn’t look like a lion’s fang at all. Well, unless said lion’s been taking styling tips from gangsta rappers.”
“I’m just curious where to stick that bastard to make use of its effects. I mean… we’re wearing gemstones?”
“Like I said… gangsta rappers.”
“Ah, another teleporting pad. Nothing quite like it to screw up any chance of me getting a good sense of where I’m going.”
“Enemy dungeons, now with segments that make you feel like you work in production storage. Again.”
“What a mess. We should totally clean up this place too.”
“Eh, it’s not that dark.”
“It’s lightly grey with a hint of blue…. flames all around the skull.”
“So, uh… we gonna headbutt those things to death or what?”
“No, of course not. Why would we want to do that?”
“Hmmm. We got fractured walls and we got bombs. Just to be sure, can we have some dots that needs connecting too?”
“Two exits, and I immediately choose the wrong one first.”
“And how would you know that?”
“Because the spikes are blocking the way?”
“Oh. I expected you to… um…”
“To what?”
“Never mind that. Let’s just head over to that other hole we blew up in the wall and flip the lever there.”
“How do you know there’s a lever there?”
“Erm…. intuition.”
“Oh, goodie. We’re about to do the boss fight. Good thing they’re going a bit easy on us and allows us to refill everything and save beforehand.”
“Um… or not.”
“The hell is that on the right? The Green Goblin?”
“Maybe it’s a gremlin.”
“Or a troll.”
“Maybe if we stand around long enough, their spines will snap, which would take care of THAT problem. Then it’s just the dragon lizard dude to deal with.”
“Meh, that was boring, and I’m not in the mood for Chess. Or Archon.”
“Every time you did something, we got in your way, you say? Well, let’s take a look at what you did, then, you goddamned moron.”
“You kidnapped our son. And then you basically baited us to come get you.”
“And then you had the bright idea to basically destroy all the boats in the next city over… which wasn’t the worst idea you ever had, granted, but you followed that up with blabbering about Sinistrals who are coming to destroy us all. So if you insist on giving us only one way to settle things and nothing to lose, you only have yourself to blame when things don’t go your way.”
“It’s good to see that you won’t run away anymore, though. Because we are all good and tired of chasing your ass all over the place. Be a good boy and die like a man, OK?”
“We didn’t come here to escape. We came here to run your little pinky armor through.”
“And hoo boy, are we going to enjoy this.”
“He what? Does he wear gloves of paralysis or something?”
“Yeah, I mean… how could you be kidnapped by someone who literally can’t manhandle anything bigger than a baby?”
“Um…. well, you see…”
“Even I’m starting to wonder who you really are, woman. Your odd re-appearances aren’t exactly inspiring votes of confidence or trust.”
“Wait, he left?! I thought we finally beat his ass straight into the afterlife this time.”
“Yes, that’s what I meant.”
“I don’t think Idura was the lord and master of all magic, so this only makes sense, right?”
“It would be really depressing if he was.”
“No, I meant this temple is still suffused with magic.”
“How does THAT even work? We’ve already kind of established that we got our own magic — well, most of us do, anyway.”
“Hey!”
“Hmm, well, pushing pillars into place seems to be the right course of action here.”
“…and when that’s done, a huge pole ascends from the dark hole beneath. How Freudian.”
“More jewelry? Jolly, jolly good.”
“Now let me just put this ring on my finGGRAAAAAARGH!”
“HULK SAY YES!”
“Stop with the pillars already. I’m not going to run out of bombs. It’s needless busywork.”
“Oh, look. It’s a carpet.”
“Man, I haven’t seen one of those for… oh, five minutes.”
“This one has a nice pattern, though, which makes all the difference.”
“So, can we buy these very specific magic spell blocking balls?”
“Nah, the temples have a monopoly on those.”
“Well, that’s no fun. I liked imagining us showing up at the Sinistrals’, bringing enough balls to block everything. That would really cheesing stuff up.”
“Um… and you are going to stop us… how?”
“Did you get your answer, Dekar?”
“I’m kind of busy right now.”
“Dekar, we could all take care of this really easily. No need to drama this stuff up.”
“GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!”
“Oh, fine!”
“Well, at least I’ll be getting one of you.”
“Pshyeah! Dream on, pinky.”
As it all goes to hell, our heroes ponder Dekar’s fate and the surely inescapable finality of it all. As they prepare to bid their ally farewell, they share a last soliloquy.
“…yeah, you’re right. Let’s just continue our journey.”
“Well, that was easy, wasn’t it?”
“Heeeey, don’t you miss me at all?”
“Hmmm. I wonder who said that.”
“Pfft, if you’re going to be all mean about it, maybe I won’t return later in the nick of time to help you out during a tense moment.”