Chapter 13: Seaman seeks wood for moist adventures.
“Lady, I’ve never really had any compunctions against doing what you wanted me to, but now that you’ve come right out and told me I should have died, I feel a little bit apprehensive about it.”
“I… guess I can understand that.”
“You ‘guess’?”
“Well, sadly, you don’t really have a choice. The Sinistrals are still out there, as you probably know by now.”
*sigh* “Yeah, I suppose ‘choice’ isn’t one of the words in our vocabulary right now. But more importantly…”
“Well, of course I’m… oh, rats. She ran away.”
“Well… yes.”
“Pah! I wanted to get to the bottom of all this, but nooo… lady’s not much on straight answers, is she?”
“Well, we better get back home and pack for the journey.”
“Didn’t we already beat his pink candy ass, though? I do declare, that boy enjoys his spanking.”
“Tell me about it. Then I remember him being a part of a group of people who brag about how they enjoy picking on weaklings, and I feel a good deal less guilty about it.”
“And don’t you dare say ‘crazy ones’.”
“Can I say it?”
“NO!”
“But… I like crazy girls.”
“Well, I… uh… damn you, honey. You play dirty every chance you get, don’t you?”
“Nyeeeheheheh.”
“And comebacker of Rocky-like proportions.”
“Is that a sword in your sheath, or are you just happy to see me?”
“Well, given how segregated the communities are here, it’s a wonder you people know the NAMES of any nearby cities.”
“It’s like the main currency of this world is rumors, because that’s all people have to go on.”
“Well, it’s their own damn fault. The one standout person so far — well, aside from Tia — is the old guy who was quite willing to go to the next town over for a spot of tea.”
“And that kid who went to an enemy cave to play treasure seeker with a key? That’s what you told me, right?”
“Oh, yeah, that guy. Yeah, that was a horseload of fun, alright. I kind of dread the day Jeros would start doing that crap.”
“Ugh! Don’t remind me. Despite what I said about how to be a mom to our nanny, I’m… kind of at a loss with that too.”
“That makes two of us.”
“Speaking of which, can you imagine THAT guy being a father?”
“Oh my God… no, I can’t. It’ll be some kind of comedy routine, I’m sure.”
“Yeah. Dekar’ll be all ‘I’ll make a MAN out of you yet!’, and his protege will go ‘But… dad, I’m a girl’.”
“And then he’ll just go ‘A thousand more sword swings’ll put some hairs on your chest’, and she’ll be all ‘does that mean I have to start swilling beer and scratching my butt as well?'”
“And he’ll round that off with a ‘No beers for you, young lady, but you will be quite aquaintanced with a BEAR pretty soon’.”
“Hee hee. Yeah, I cold totally see that happen.”
“And she’ll totally grow up being able to wrestle bears too.”
“Well, speak of the devil.”
“Speak of the what?”
“That’s just mean.”
“Sorry, it’s just… oh man, I hope we won’t be fighting any bears anytime soon.”
*snrrk*
“HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!”
“Uh….”
“Must be some kind of inside joke.”
“Ladies like a guy who takes his time. You not understanding that is why you’re single.”
“Are you trying to lecture Dr. Love? I pity the fool who tries something like that.”
“I… definitely didn’t need to know that.”
“I don’t even want to know how he spends his Saturday nights.”
“I wonder if he shaves… downstairs.”
“SELAN?! EWWW!”
“Well, we’ve arrived in… uh, Tetris Forest?”
“Someone here is far too proud of their gardening skills.”
“I wonder what kind of wildlife we’ll find here.”
“Maybe we’ll find some… bears?”
*snrk* “HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!”
“Damn it, Guy!”
“Sorry. Couldn’t resist… even if I have no idea what they’re laughing at.”
“OH GOD HIS PUZZLED EXPRESSION JUST MAKES IT EVEN MORE HILARIOUS!”
“Armor Bee?”
“What the hell? Who gives these stinging devils ARMOR?! Their exoskeletons are bad enough as it is.”
“This place just seem to have a surplus of bees. Is someone running a beehive somewhere?”
“Mmmm. I could really go for some honey right about now.”
“Well, here’s our next town. Let’s see what kind of people live here.”
“Oh, for the love of…”
“Yeah, this’ll be our new fetch quest, I bet.”
“Sounds like our pink boy wonder, alright.”
“The pink what now?”
“Well, this doofus came over and kidnapped our child. For that, he got his ass beat good.”
“You two have a kid? Man, you work fast.”
“Well, we DID marry. You know what most people do on their wedding night, don’t you, Dekar?”
“Um… fencing?”
“Well… in a sense.”
“If you two start talking about plunging swords into the soft innards of love and such, I will slap you on the back of your stupid heads.”
“VE HAF GOAL!”
“PANZER VOR!”
“You ask where he is, but answered your own question too? What do you expect us to do about that?”
“Dekar, do you know what ‘rhetorical’ means?”
“That’s when you attack from the back, right?”
“No, that’s… oh, Christ!”
“That’s a bit of a stretch for a pun; ain’t it, Dekar?”
“I’ll stretch my rethoricum as much as I have to.”
“….”
“You people are disgusting.”
“What do you want? A slow clap?”
“Yes, let’s do a slow clap for the slow person.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk, Mr. Blastmaster.”
“Hey, I’ll still marry before you, so keep it in your pants.”
“Good grief.”
“Um… lady, he prepares ships. That’s his job, and, presumably, his passion. I seriously hope you’re not doing the emotional blackmail thing with him over this.”
“Hmm. As a woman, I’m torn. But yeah, it’s best to let a guy follow his passion. Makes him happier, which makes him a better husband. And, naturally, that swings both ways.”
“Mind you, Selan; you’re quite lucky in that both you and Maxim share most of your interests.”
“This being mainly fighting. That’s mah boy… aaand girl.”
“Whaaat? But…. but I don’t want any hair on my chest.”
“OH HA HA WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, SELAN?!”
“And you lost me again.”
“Anyway, how about we head off to that mountain now. Lumberjack’s be needing a rescue, I reckon.”
“Eh, I’m sure he’s OK.”
“And that he sleeps all night and works all day.”
“Everybody wants a piece of the Maxter.”
“If she likes red hair so much, she can have it when I claw her scalp to shreds.”
“Jeez, Selan, calm down. She’s just a hostess in a bar. They’ll flirt so you’ll spend more money. It’s what they do.”
“Well, gee; let me think about that for a moment.”
“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. So what can’t we do when we don’t have boats?”
“Oh well, the north mountains it is.”
“And please do not let us fight something truly ridiculous on the way.”
“Like more armored insects?”
“Well… I guess flesh-eating plants isn’t too ridiculous.”
“Even when they have a very self-explanatory name.”
“I just want to pick them and put them in a pot… outside of our home. No more door-to-door salesmen.”
“That’s… actually a great idea. I have to mention this to Jessy.”
“Well, isn’t the translation team being all lazy now?”
“What’s wrong with good, ol’ ‘Treant’?”
“Copyrighted?”
“DOWN WITH THE EVIL FILE SHARING INDUSTRIES!”
“You can hardly see the forest for the rain.”
“It’s a shame we had to leave so many good tree corpses behind just to go look for something this elusive.”
“What is a Phantom Tree anyway? An invisible tree?”
“It’s a ninja tree. When we see it, we’re already dead.”
“Damn it! We should have gone the other way around, so we could’ve reached the switch I shouldn’t really be able to see.”
“Well, we can’t all have birds-eye vision.”
“OH GOD WE’RE SURROUNDED! BY… uh.. bushes.”
“We need to cut them down as they stand.”
“I shall break them… like a twig.”
“I’m… going to go ahead and assume that’s NOT the Phantom Tree we’re looking for.”
“It’s even tinier than the shrubs we cut down back behind the door we just exited.”
“Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that our enemies in this region are all bees and flowers. There’s a rather… odd subtext to all of this.”
“It’s like the residents of this region have all hit puberty or something.”
“Then we could totally troll them all by showing them ‘Teeth’.”
“Eugh, please no. I went to see that one with Maxim. It took almost a whole year before he dared having sex with me again.”
“Tia recommended it too.”
“Man, that’s cruel, even for revenge.”
“OK, jeez, enough bees already. It’s not that they’re all THAT dangerous, but… ergh!”
“It’s enough to make one phobic against bees. Or insects altogether.”
“The flowers and the bees, in one room at last.”
“As long as that tree won’t butt in, though.”
“He’ll be the third wheel.”
“…..”
“Maxim, I can’t decide whether that was really a bad attempt at a pun.”
“Me neither. I… I have lost the ability to sleep, for ever and ever.”
“Man, this is some view.”
“Yes, it is. We should probably get moving, though.”
“We CAN see all the forest for the torrents from up here.”
“Yep. Lots and lots of trees. Anyway…”
“And there’s the mountain ranges in the distance. Winter’s closing in, huh?”
“Yup. But… uh, the chest, Maxim.”
“Ah, I could look at this for days.”
“OPEN THE GODDAMN CHEST ALREADY!”
“Yeesh! About freaking time.”
“It’s a tree key. Made with wooden technology.”
“Does that mean the door is wooden as well?”
“Well… haven’t all doors been?”
“Oh. Right.”
“I… think it’s neat that these plants grow when we walk past them, but I’m not sure I like the implication.”
“Less beans in the diet. Roger that.”
“Why did it have to be a guy making that joke?”
“Hey, don’t look at ME. I’m too feminine for fart jokes.”
“Ohoho, well, isn’t this like giving a kid a magnifying glass and pointing the way to the nearest anthill.”
“Except less sadistic.”
“Say that to the residents of Ferngully.”
“Eh, screw those guys. Buncha tree-hugging hippies.”
“Well, I have to admit this is kinda fun.”
“BURNIN’ THE LAWN, BURNIN’ THE LAWN!”
“Well, look who’s a Judas Priest fan.”
“President and top member of the Judas Priest Lyrics Reinterpretation Club. And thanks for the inspiration, by the way.”
“Reinterpretation my foot. You’re ripping those guys off.”
“You just don’t understand my art, man.”
“And pretentious to boot.”
“Well, at least it’s not an insect. Or a plant.”
“No, it’s only the stuff they grow out of. Um… the plants, that is.”
“Dunno what he’s so mad about, though.”
“If I looked like a heap o’ poopie, I’d be plenty mad too.”
“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m fairly sure this was supposed to be named ‘Mud Golem’. Who the hell is responsible for catalogizing things here anyway?”
“The thin green line.”
“Walking on the edge, huh?”
“That’s not even a rewrite.”
“It wasn’t trying to be.”
“Oh my, I can’t see any way onwards except to the left. Nope, no, siree.”
“Ah, so we’re playing this game, huh?”
“First fire ring and now water ring. What’s next in the ‘rings that are impossible to wear’ department? Air rings?”
“Rings of nebulous constructions.”
“Maybe it’s a ring made for people with problems with their prostate.”
“Selan, ewwwww.”
“Well, I’ve chopped down almost all the damn weeds, but no door. Oh woe is us; we’ll never get out of here.”
“Maxim, are you just acting like a petulant, smartass child for the hell of it now? Stop fooling around and chop that last weed.”
“OK, what the hell is this now? Two jars in a closed space with brittle ground? I’ve heard about ridiculous riddles before, but this…”
“It’s just a matter of doing it, though. I mean… what can go wrong?”
“Well, we could screw it up for one.”
“At least we can use the opportunity to see what happens when we try to walk on the cracked ground.”
“Well, gee, I wonder what will happen. Like falling through the floor, maybe?”
“It might be something else. You never know.”
“OK, so we fell through the floor. Big freaking deal.”
“Let’s just… go up those stairs and forget it ever happened, OK?”
“Ah, a room overview. Made solving the damn thing so much easier.”
“Oh, quiet you.”
“Ah, the first lover’s quarrel. It’s magnificently cute every time I see it happen.”
“Sounds like you’ve gotten yours out of the way already.”
“Yep. You date a headstrong woman, you get that sort of thing out of the way pretty damn quick.”
“You’re implying I’m not headstrong?”
“Yes, I am. Now, don’t get me wrong; you’re a strong woman, Selan, but you’re not HEADstrong. You’re far too trusting and patient for that sort of thing, and don’t fly into an argument over every little thing.”
“Well, if you count saying you don’t ever want to be tied down at your friend’s wedding as ‘a little thing’, then yes, you sure are right about that.”
“Oh, shut up and get back to being a brawly goon.”
“And now we’re in a labyrinth?”
“Not quite. Looks more like a city block.”
“With bugs and dirt heaps on the rooftops.”
“This kind of makes me wonder if I could fire my hook shot into dirt golems and use them as traversing poles.”
“We’re literally ‘poles apart’, get it?”
“Well, look at Mr. Pink Floyd Fan here.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault I like great music. Wait, I was wrong; it totally is.”
“Skull Lizard. Right. So… if he loses his wand, does that make him a Regular Lizard?”
“Let’s find out by chopping off both his arms.”
“I think he’s just inviting us all to a group hug.”
“Well, that’s just because you’re a tree-hugging hippie.”
“I am NOT!”
“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting kind of bored.”
“Bored already? Didn’t you just get a new ‘bring out your inner child’ toy?”
“Yeah, but… not many chances to use it. It’s tempting to go back to the gift room and cast reset so that I can burn it down again and again.”
“And doesn’t that sound like a great load of fun.”
“I’d let you do it too.”
“Well, in that case…”
“Real pumping action.”
“I’m seeing a money-making idea in that one.”
“You better not be thinking what I think you’re thinking, because I would hate to tell you that you’re wrong, and that you will remain single forever.”
“Oh dear Lord, don’t look down, everyone.”
“Eh, what could go wroOUGHBLARGH!”
“….”
“Eugh! Hope nobody was standing around under here.”
“Hmmm.”
“This room kind of says ‘don’t be a square, fall down here’.”
“Yeah, this wall’s got that very message. And in ‘reverse psychology mode’ too.”
“Did we bring the House of Pain CDs?”
“Thank you, Mr. Phantom Dirt Blot. You get to live.”
“That went well, I guess. Had to be a big key, thankfully, to not break when it’s made of wood.”
“Good thing it didn’t look like a tree, though. That would have been one of the least useful key designs ever.”
“Does that mean you went all the way here and then didn’t expect it to be worthwhile?”
“Or maybe you went all the way here because you knew it would be worthwhile? Is there something you’re not telling us? Hmmm?”
“Wait, you teamed up with Mr. Pinko? Dude, seriously… standards!”
“Kaaay, so… what’s stopping us?”
“Oh.”
“You surprised? There’s usually always bosses in these caves. Right?”
“Well, there was this one cave….”
“Right! But still, the odds.”
“Because that’s what you’ll do with a ship, right? Sail at sea?”
“And this is what we’re reduced to? Fighting whatever’s LION around?”
“…..”
“Har har. I guess the joke’s on us for getting you Lion King for your birthday.”
“Well, I wanted to give him a manlier gift, but you downvoted me on that.”
“Joke’s on me, I guess.”
“You can make a whole ship out of a single tree? Well, aren’t you shipmaker Jesus or something.”
“Can you feed hordes of thousands on just a few fish and a few loaves of bread too?”
“Um… totally didn’t mean for that to sound very suggestive, though.”
“But seriously, dude; you need to stop coming on to every single guy we ever meet, Maxim. It’s really embarrassing, and it makes us all ashamed of you.”
“Oh, shut up! That’s not what has happened, and you know it.”
Having finally obtained all the wood they’d ever need, our heroes return to town to get the boat ready. Still wondering when they’ll meet Idura the Magnificent again, they decide on some R&R while they wait for the boat to be built.
“…..”
“Uh… I mean…”
“Well, judging by the howling laughter we hear from the near vincinity, more people might’ve heard that question. Good to see you haven’t lost the ability to unintentionally embarrass someone to the point where they literally have to move to a different town.”
“As if someone had the ability to do that.”