Chapter 11: Bringing the Fight Back to the Big Guy.
*when we last left our friends…
“I’m being a total feminist about this to counter your sexist ‘no girls allowed’ attitude, Mr. ‘bros before hos’.”
“Lovely. I’m being involved in another fight I don’t want to be a part of.”
“Selan, you’re one hell of a fighter, but this… this is gonna be a man’s job.”
“Dekar, you can take that ‘tude of yours and shove it up where the sun doesn’t shine. I am coming and that’ll be the end of that.”
“Selan, I’m really grateful that you didn’t include me in this argument, but that only makes what I’m about to say even harder; you have to go back to Parcelyte.”
“What?! But…”
“I’m in a slappin’ mood right now, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and ask you to explain your reasoning.”
“Because if we’re going to dive straight into the pants of danger, I want to fill in the other leg. Understand?”
“That’s a 10-4.”
“Oh, we’re going to need bigger pants than that.”
“LOVE YOU!”
“Yeah, you were gone for… like, one whole dungeon and all.”
“And what a dungeon! It had absolutely no bosses and all.”
“Um… have we met?”
“Nope! I just made all of that up.”
“Oh.”
“….yeah.”
“It’s time to be… fantastic.”
“Don’t look at ME when you say that. In fact, don’t say that ever again.”
“Um… you know what? I think I hear my sister being in trouble again. Gotta go.”
“Oh no, you don’t. You’re not leaving me alone with this guy.”
*shudder* “No, I’m not.”
“Uh… I think I gotta go.”
“NOYOUDON’T!”
“This is… they’re having fantasies right now, aren’t they?”
“Ah-yup.”
“Lovely. I’ve always wanted to be a part of someone’s yaoi fantasies.”
“You do? Well, then…”
“Gah! You people are all just looking for an opening, aren’t you?”
“That’s what she said.”
“GRAAAAAARGH!”
“OK, seriously… enough already. I’d rather not have someone go crazy in my throne room.”
“Tsundere? Oh yes, you are.”
“……”
“What’sa matter? Cat got your tongue?”
“She sure has, and I think I can respect that.”
“Touché.”
“Man, thank God that’s over with. Now, to climb this phallic tower.”
“Should we take a picture of it first? You know, to give the ladies?”
“Let’s… not do that.”
“Besides, when you’ve seen one tower, you’ve seen them all.”
“Oh, I dunno. Some countries have got bigger towers than other countries.”
“Stop it, stop it, STOP IT, STOP IT!”
“I just think he forgot to zip up his pants.”
“SHUT UP! NO MORE OF THIS, OR I WILL KILL YOU MYSELF!”
“That’s nothing. I push walls with my pillar all the time.”
“Gnnnnrgh!”
“OK, that was kind of lame.”
“Yyyup. I’ve got some aggression to vent, so this is just perfect.”
“Sounds like a plan. Shall we leave Maxim to play with his snakes?”
“Let’s.”
“….I think I’ll lay off with the innuendo now. And for ever.”
“Yeah, man. That was… ugly.”
“SHUT UP! IT’S YOUR FAULT! YOU WENT FAR BEYOND THE LIMIT!”
“Alright, Maxim. We get it. Why don’t you continue to unwind by taking care of these three…. uh… Bruse’s? Bruces?”
“G’day, Bruce.”
“Good bye, Bruce.”
“OK, this is just getting silly.”
“So… would it be inappropriate for me to make jokes about getting some-..”
“YES! SHUT UP!”
“I’m not going to kill you. So you stay there and think about what you just did.”
“But… but… we only tried to kill you.”
“And that’s why you get to live.”
“…point taken.”
“So, spikes prevent me from crossing if I walk too close, but I can hookshoot myself over?”
“I guess the proximity detector is picky about our approach.”
“Uh… yes.”
“So… Chess or Othello.”
“Space Invaders Chess?”
“OK, it’s… not moving. We can sneak by and ascend the stairs without it noticing.”
“Actually, it IS moving. Just very, very slowly.”
“Well, it IS a snail.”
“This is like a nice game of ‘Connect the Dots’. Only with bottomless pits.”
“Don’t worry about it. We couldn’t fall down them even if we tried.”
“Yeah, that sounds sensible.”
“OK, the King Frog I get, but…”
“It’s a Ssssnell? Was that supposed to be Shell?”
“It’s Turbo the.. uh, Snail.”
“KILL ZHEM! SCHNELL!”
“well, at least the King is amused. I wonder if he’s got more of that stuff he’s smoking, because I could really go for some of that now.”
“Hmm. A lever. I wonder if I should pull it.”
“Go ahead, Maxim. You know you want to.”
“Join us, Maxim. Join the dark side. All the levers will be ours to pull.”
“YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!”
“On the contrary, my dear Maxim…”
“Well… at least he’s joking around again.”
“…whut?!”
“Well, Maxim, sometimes the answer isn’t always what it seems.”
“Don’t think, Maxim. Feel.”
“Aren’t you guys being all meta and stuff.”
“Yep. No doorway here.”
“Don’t be fooled by appearances. This only looks like a dead end, when it’s really… a dead end.”
“Um… OK? So… we just cross swords? No reason to fight?”
“Must be a gesture thing.”
“It’s… a pumpkin jewel? Does that come from the pumpkin heads?”
“It’s their little disconnectable nuts.”
“Do you want the muscle ring, Dekar?
“Sure. And you can have the protect ring. It… protects your finger from.. uh, something, I guess.”
“Um… is that a piece of armor?”
“Walking?”
“This is gonna be the kind of armor we have to fight, isn’t it?”
“Yep. It’s a Deadly Armor too.”
“We should marry them to the Deadly Swords we met earlier. They could form a Dullahan or something.”
“Let’s not give them any ideas now, OK?”
“It’s a Fayza shield.”
“What the hell is a Fayza shield?”
“It’s got extra protection against Fayza.”
“That still doesn’t answer the question.”
“Did we just order a game of Picross?”
“There’s already a playa on the table.”
“That won’t do. We must kill it immediately.”
“Um… Shadowfly and Dark Fly. Well, I guess we got both bases covered.”
“So, what happens when a Dark Fly hides in a Shadowfly?”
“It turns super invisible, man.”
“Apparently, killing them lowered the blue row.”
“We have been accepted in murdertown. The gate has been lowered.”
“Um… or outside… or inside.”
“Is that an inverted S, or do we have to fight a snake again?”
“It’s a Spinner, which is a totally appropriate name for a snake.”
“Well, we can help with that.”
You know, levers just don’t do anything for me anymore. I need more. I need… something stronger.”
“And so, another life succumbs to its vices.”
“Well, we could’ve been able to go straight up there, but they had to draw the line somewhere, right?”
“We could also just step on that button there.”
“But… but that’s how it all started out. You know, before the whole lever dependency thing. I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK, DEKAR! I DON’T!”
“Wow, well, good thing we climbed up on the right side. Otherwise, we’ll be holding on to nothing but air now.”
“Um… that’s not quite how it works.
“Christ! Fight the red guardian three times, fight the blue guardian FIVE times. What happened to ‘stab it one, problem gone’?”
“That’s ‘stab it once’.”
“But then it won’t rhyme properly.”
“…of course. Never mind.”
“Oh, so NOW the left ladder is whole? This tower has a political agenda, doesn’t it?”
“Um… I don’t think that’s quite correct either.”
“Maxim, aren’t we going to pull that lever?”
“NO!”
“But… there’s… enemies behind the spikes. And maybe treasure.”
“Then you can pull the damn lever. Because I am NOT returning to my heavy lever addiction. You saw how bad it could be?”
“Yep. It sure messes with your head, doesn’t it?”
“Gives you the mentality of a five year old, doesn’t it?”
“Damn it! I can’t reach those ladders. If only I was taller.”
“I’m… starting to think this tower’s breaking his mind.”
“Yeah, I’m starting to believe that this is about more than just levers.”
“Definitely. Childhood scars?”
“You two! Stop talking about my sordid past.”
“Hmm. I think we can make it if we jump really hard.”
“WHOA! WAIT, MAXIM!”
“Whaaat?! It could work.”
“Let’s not be rash here. I’m sure we can find a way around this that won’t involve us falling to our deaths.”
“But… but… you don’t understand. There could be all kinds of levers up there.”
“See? It’s fine. This is just pillars that needs to be pushed onto switches. Nothing to it.”
“Yeah, but that’s how it all started. That old guy wanted me to push stuff on top of other stuff, and pretty soon, that led to my big lever-pulling tour.”
“Don’t worry, Maxim. If there… if there are any levers, I’ll jump on them for you, Maxim.”
“Promise?”
“Of course.”
“You’re a good guy…. um… Guy.”
“Hmmm. We’re still not on top of this totem pole.”
“Oh, don’t you start with me again.”
“Oops. Um… that was not on purpose. I promise.”
“Guh! A whole corridor? And wait, ‘the corridor outside’? How does that even work?”
“Well, it’s a… uh, narrow hallway between two… yeah, it makes no sense.”
“This is a small platform, NOT a hallway.”
“Well… it’s kind of a hallway. It divides the wall of the tower and a drop we won’t be walking away from.”
“Whatever. I just want this tower over with.”
“Straight to… the locked door.”
“Gah! Forgot about that.”
“What’s the big deal? We just have to find the key.”
“Yeah, that’s the story of my life.”
“Oh! Well, that was… fast.”
“Unlike your pause.”
“Good thing we found a miracle too. Because that’s what it’s going to take to use a key made of a cloud.”
“Um… I know I should be glad that we got the whole key thing out of the way in a flash, but… somehow, I almost feel… disappointed.”
“Why?!”
“I dunno… it just feels… unchallenging.”
“Didn’t you want to get this tower over with, though?”
“…. yeah, I did. Well, screw all that, then. Let’s go.”
“I… kind of agree here. We are just a couple of levels higher than the last time we met, so on a realistic note, we’re screwed. However…”
“However?”
“You want us to bow down to you? Screw that noise.”
“Besides, didn’t you already say you were going to destroy us all?”
“Admit it; you just want to see us grovel and beg before you kill us. Makes you feel like such a big shot, doesn’t it?”
“OK, you got me. Well, since we are all in agreement, it’s time to make a few grown men cry.”
“Oh yeah? Well, we’re… like, five to seven levels higher this time, AND we reduced our party total by one. You’re completely boned this time.”
“And doesn’t that make a lot of sense.”
“Well, here’s what I think of your sense.”
“HAHA! Fooled you. We DO have a fourth party member.”
“Yeeees, it’s the same dog you had the last time we met. And it’s still just ‘giving me tail’, because you’re all a bunch of perverts.”
“At least we have a sense of humor. What’s YOUR contribution to world peace?”
“Ow! What the hell? You’ve learned to actually do some damage now?”
“Well, we DID level about five or six times?”
“Level? What does that even mean?”
“Oh, so you guys don’t know about that, huh? Well, that’s why you’re going to lose.”
“Well, we don’t need to. We’re already top level material. And let me show you what that top level material can do.”
“Um… that… was…. decent, I guess? What happened, dude? You used to be able to waylay us in one attack.”
“I.. don’t understand. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.”
“What? Defeat? Nooooooo! How can this beeeee?!”
“Uh… was the fight supposed to be this easy?”
“Well… no, it wasn’t.”
“And this guy waylaid you in one attack?”
“Actually, I needed two, but I was pretty much on my last HP, so… yeah. I’m as confused about this as you are, and my perspective is about as different as it can get.”
“But… we didn’t. Seven levels shouldn’t matter THIS much. I’m pretty sure you’re the one who has grown weaker.”
“NOOOOO! I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS!”
“Oh, look at the sore loser. Shall we administer another round of spanking, Mr. Gades?”
“Nyeh nyeh, you can’t touch me.”
“…yeah, he’s regressed to be sure.”
“Whaaat? I’m about to spank the big guy.”
“That’s the most awesome masturbation metaphor that’s also bragging I’ve ever heard. I’m going to steal that one for myself.”
“Um… well… thank you, but… we’re really fine. The guy was a pushover this time for some odd reason.”
“Uh… OK? So, we lost out on the delicious revenge?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“Damn it! I wanted to kick the guy in the balls. I mean… said balls had to be at least as big as either of us, even from a ‘regular human sized compared to total height’ kind of a perspective.”
“I… uh, see. Anyway, I got some things to do, so you guys should probably skedaddle. Unless, of course, either of you are able to jump this giant pit.”
“That’s… probably neither of us. I guess we’ll just head outside, then.”
“Now you’re getting it, woman.”
“Gah! No, I meant… we can’t cross this gap, so we should just let Maxim go on and do what he has to instead of standing around here until we leave. We’re basically wasting everyone’s time by standing here.”
“See? You DO want to leave him behind.”
“Tia, if I could actually get over there, I would be there so hard and fast that Maxim would have a Selan-shaped hole in his ribcage. Now, let me remind you all that, unfortunately, neither of us can do that, so your argument is a waste of time. Don’t make me whip out the bunny with a pancake on its head, Tia. It ain’t gonna be pretty.”
*whew* “Leave it up to Selan to be the sensible one. Oh well, I should just get this task over with as soon as possible so that I can return to my friends. So, let’s see…”
“…..”
“Arrows pierce the blue. The blue what?”
“Sheesh, we have a tower with an upside down tower spire. That’s… kind of cool, actually.”
“OK, so… blue -> arrows, red -> bombs. I can dig that. Unless I need a shovel, that is.”
“Christ, the arrow didn’t just pierce the blue meanie, it literally shattered it. Isn’t that the bomb’s job?”
“Ohoho, this is just rich. It’s a magic bikini. Selan would love this one. And the bikini offers such good protection too.”
“……”
“Hmmm. I bet I would look good in this-.. NO! BAD MAXIM! FOCUS ON THE MAIN TASK!”
“Red and boooomb. And thar she blows.”
“Eesh, was that all? There’s gotta be more to this, right?”
“Yes! I did it.”
“…….”
“Man, it’s been a while since I’ve had to entertain myself by talking with myself. I didn’t really think of it before this, but it feels kind of weird. Like I’m slowly going crazy.”
“Must… almost… die… for… some… reason.”
“Well, time to do my thing, I guess.”
As the tower is slowly going under, Maxim ponders the fact that they actually managed to defeat the beings once considered gods. Of course, he had also thought escape would be easy, but not so much now. Did he even notice Iris drop in, like she usually does at moments like this? Did he expect it? Is it going to become a pattern? And will the mystery about her ever be explained? Who knows?
“It was Iris again, wasn’t it? I bet it was. Man, that girl is so up in my case. She’s never teleported anyone before, though. Well, not that I know at any rate. Sheesh, she’s such a mysterious person. I wonder if I’ll ever learn what she really wants. Or where she gets her hair colored. It’s almost as green as Selan’s.”
“…..”
“GUYS, I’M TALKING MY OWN EARS OFF HERE! CAN I HAVE MY HEARTFELT WELCOME BACK NOW?!”