Chapter 1: Tedious Tutorials and other Trials.
“I.. huh? Did I send you shopping? I thought you were going to hunt monsters.”
“And that’s just what I did. I hunted jellies.”
“Maxim, please tell me I can go to the local mart without everyone looking at me as if I only have complete lunatics in my circle of friends.”
“Hey, what do you think they’re using to make said jelly that you can buy in the store. The thing that gathers in the bathtub sinkhole?”
“EEEEW! What is it with boys and gross stuff?”
“Maybe I just enjoy seeing you go pale.”
“This is all revenge for the TMI thing, isn’t it?”
“No. Well… yes, that too, but…”
“That’s no reason to stiff me on the pay, though. I can only kill so many slimes per day, and from what I understand, I’m the only one who does this. Maybe I should up the price of my sword arm.”
“There’s no need to do that. And when did you develop such a bright economic mind?”
“It’s all a part of that supply and demand thing you just demonstrated. See, when you’re the only one who can swing a mean sword arm, people are going to pay you a lot of money for the privilege of leaving their town and not dying.”
“I’ll… uh, keep that in mind.”
“OK, OK. Point taken. Jeez.”
“Seriously, any job that doesn’t involve swinging a sword gives me a headache. I mean.. what do you think this is? Stocks and Bonds?”
“Hey, that sounds like a swell idea. There’s nothing quite like some competition, huh? Hell, I can even do my own slime hunting and then sell… whatever you use them to make.”
“Um…. on second thought.”
“Now, if I could only figure out whether he’s being insensitive towards me or himself….”
“I mean, seriously, Tia. All I can do is swing a sword. I already told you that, right?”
“I think I have a good idea, but since I’m the dumb male, I have to remain clueless about… feelings and stuff, I guess. Hurp durp, she no like me, yo.”
“Oh, it’s… a cut above the rest, I guess. Sure, I get into close shaves every now and then, but it’s nice to have a line of work nobody else is wanting a slice of.”
“Yyyyeah, I gots talents up the wazoo. They told me I exited my mother’s vagina with a toy knife in my hand. I have owned several pets, usually not for long. I just can’t help myself, I guess. I just gotta have it; I gotta fight.”
“Of course, the most amazing part is that despite having spent most of my life fighting, I’m still just level 1. How does that make any sense?! Please tell me!”
“Eh, I didn’t notice. I was too busy cutting up jellies.”
“So… ‘dungeon fighting’. I guess that’s what they called it back in the day, huh?”
“What the hell are you talking about now?”
“You know. ‘Fighting in the’… eh, never mind. It wasn’t working out anyway.”
“Yes, I’ll go into the ‘dungeon south of here’. Nudge nudge, wink wink.”
“I think I should be grateful for the generation gap now.”
“Well, there it is. A little hole in the ground, with some stairs leading down. Good thing we don’t have any rainstorms in this world.”
“And by ‘pattern’, I mean they’ll either go straight for you, run away from you, or just wander around aimlessly.”
“Well, that IS important. And not anything new either. You DID get that ‘I’ve spent most of my life fighting’ memo, right?”
“You’re… not listening to me, are you?”
“Just walk up to it and bury that sword blade into the round, sexy body of said slime.”
“Aaaand now you’re creeping me out. Thanks.”
“It looks like one of my late wife’s buttcheeks after I spanked it.”
“DUDE! STOP!”
“Sorry, jelly, but you gotta die. Otherwise that old codger’s never going to shut up about his wife’s butt.”
“No, they’re not! No enemies in this game will move more than one step every single time I do. Stop filling my head with lies. Your condescending ‘lessons’ are bad enough.”
“And you would know that… how? It’s not like I’m swimming in skills and levels after nearly a lifetime of fighting. Because, again, that makes a whole lotta sense.”
“Are you always such a jackass to people who help you?”
“I resent that comment. I’m never a jackass to people who help me.”
“That’s amazing. I totally didn’t know that, because this is totally something I wouldn’t have figured out by myself. It’s so great being treated like an idiot.”
“Oooh. Choices. Or are you going to be all ‘but thou must’ if I choose not to?”
“Well, I’m getting kind of tired of wiping all that goop off my sword, so I’ll just go the arrow route now. ‘sides, jellies don’t pay off like they used to.”
“Thank God you told me. Otherwise, I might’ve had to figure out stuff for myself. That stuff so boring, man.”
“Don’t get smart with me, boy, or it’ll be extended lessons for you.”
“Extended lessons on how to shoot arrows at switches? How does that even work?”
“The full history lessons about arrows and switches, of course. Switches through time. The past of arrows. It’s a full course.”
“I’ll… skip that.”
“Eeeeheheheh, let’s see you follow me around now, you old fart. I’m gonna do the rest of this dungeon on my own.”
“GODDAMN IT!”
“Switch? Upper left? Stand on top of it?”
*sigh* “Yeah, yeah.”
“Whooo, the door opened when I stepped on the switch. Biiiig surprise.”
“Push that big heavy thing on top of it?”
“Pus… HEY, WHO IS THE TEACHER HERE?!”
“Nobody?”
“NO! ME! ME, THAT’S WHO! NOW SHUT UP AND TAKE YOUR LESSONS!”
“Yes, master.”
“Well, it’s… unique. So, what does this spell do? This… life-changing spell that I can’t live without?”
“Yeah, that sounds like a magnificently useful spell, alright. Kind of like my own groundhog day in my pocket. Except it’s not a day and doesn’t have anything to do with groundhogs, but whatever….”
“Max, sometimes, you make no damn sense.”
“Please do. Then I’ll cast it and you’ll give it to me again. And again and again and again and again. Doesn’t that sound a lot of fun?”
“Erm… no?”
“Come on! You’d have the weirdest case of senility ever.”
“There’s arrows! How can you NOT want to try that out? And what’s stopping me from jumping down where there are NO arrows? It’s not any higher up than the arrowed spots.”
“Killing everything solves all your problems. Got it.”
“That’s how we solved our problems back in the days. Kids nowadays have pacifist arrows and all that jazz. You’re all spoiled.”
“And hey, this room has one whole lizard. Let’s kill all one of them and solve our problems.”
“And here I thought you would be more grateful for finally reaching level 2 after all these years.”
“And this game of whack-a-lizard netted me 12 experience. One more, and I can even reach level 3. This is unprecedented.”
“Cut the grass? Waaait, this is the real reason you had me go in here, huh? You’re planning on having me cut your damn lawn.”
“No better way to make sure those damn kids stay off it.”
“WELL GEE I WONDER WHERE THAT SWITCH IS! I’M ALL OUT OF OPTIONS HERE!”
“Stop being an ass and cut that grass.”
“…..”
“Hey, that was pretty good. I should write it down.”
“Ugh! OK, you win. Just… just stop that.”
“Yeeep. Ah keen get thru heah naow!”
“How about I place YOU on one of the slates?”
“Naw, sonny, that won’t work. Me bones are too thin and brittle.”
“Woooow, I put the vase on the ‘explode wall’ slate.”
“……”
“Why the hell does a wall have that option?”
“Aaaand another jar on the slaaaaate.”
“Good boy. Now you are ready to face the world.”
“Sounds exciting. Well, gotta go.”
“Of course it’s a long way. I’m only level 2 yet. It’s a loooong way to level 99 or whatever the hell the limit is.”
“Hoo boy. I knew I had to face another challenge pretty quick, but not THAT quick.”
“Sure. Does that mean you made enough dinner for two, and were planning on eating that all by your lonesome?”
“No, I.. what?!”
“Well, it’s a good thing I wasn’t still outside hunting jellies or something. Otherwise, you’d have yourself one hell of a dinner.”
“Nah, I saw you set off with old man Tutor back there, so I rightfully guessed it would only be a matter of time before you got fed up with his blathering and came back.”
“That might’ve taken a while longer than you expected. He made me cut his lawn.”
“Uh… right.”
“I see you baby… shaking that ass… shaking that ass… shaking that ass….”
“You know, when you invited me for dinner, I… uh… thought you meant food.”
“What was that?”
“Um… nothing. Groovy song, Tia.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Yep. Totally not weirded out by this bizarre scene. No, siree.”
“Alrighty, time to dig in.”
“Well, that’s why they call it a phantom fish, see?”
“…yes, of course.”
“What’s wrong, Maxim? Does it taste bad?”
“More like it doesn’t have any taste at all. Which is also bad.”
“Hey, I get tasty food all the time. Sometimes, it’s nice to eat something really bad. You know, for a change.”
“Man, Maxim. You really suck at cheering people up.”
“You’re stuffed? But… you took, like, one bite. Maybe two.”
“Shush. Don’t argue with a lady. Besides, I gotta look after my figure.”
“That doesn’t sound very healthy.”
“Indeed. I’ve been fighting and fighting and fighting, and I was still just level 1. It’s like that Jehova’s Witness joke, only with levels.”
“But that changed today, or so I heard.”
“Yep. Today, I finally breached that barrier, so from now on, I’m only gonna look upwards.”
“Sounds cool.”
“Well, anyway, sorry about today’s dinner not striking a better palate. I’m sure that wasn’t your fault, though; usually, your dinner is delicious.”
“I wonder if it’s possible to level your eating skills.”
“Uh… I’ve never really thought about that. Not sure I want to try, though.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
And from that moment, something was born in Maxim’s mind. He pondered today’s events, and this levelling business. Why, it made his strength increase, if not necessarily tenfold, then at least a significant amount. And maybe one day, he’d find out where his limits are. But for now, he pondered another problem, and how to solve it.
“You don’t wanna know. Got a Tic Tac?”