Chapter 5: The shortest path isn’t always the best one.
“And like all wizards, this one didn’t need many hits to the butt from my big, purple sword.”
“……”
“Hoo boy, did that ever come out wrong. And make it sound like I’m suffering from the most severely aggressive case of chlamydia ever. Please forget I ever said that.”
“Booo. The support heads went away too. Oh well, at least I got some new paths to explore.”
“Also, the map is now bigger and more convoluted than ever. I can’t really tell what it looks like anymore.”
“…..”
“Maybe a monochrome 8-bit plane taking off or something like that?”
“Eeeh, I don’t think I want to leap off the Bard’s summit quite yet. It looks like the way down, and besides, I haven’t written nearly enough wanky poetry yet.”
“Ah, yes, now we’re talking. And what element are we missing now, I wonder?”
“Ah, lightning. Of course. Let’s see what color THAT particular element is.”
“….green? Seriously? I know Ice and Water already grabbed blue and cyan, but still…. green? It’s the eco-lightning. It’s Captain Planet’s bastard child. The one nobody talked about in the company parties.”
“I REGRET NOTHING!”
“……”
“Hmmm. Another armor piece, huh? Could it be… the lightning armor?”
“Yyyyyep. I hope wearing it won’t interfere with my peacemaker or anything.”
“Bah! Who needs to backtrack when you can wreck some support pillars and pray real hard that the roof won’t cave in all over you, eh?”
“Um… sorry about wrecking the place, guys. I’ll… uh, treat you to a round once you’re done rebuilding.”
“As well you should, you destruction-wielding vandal. It’ll take us weeks to repair all the damage you’ve done, despite the fact that you only dropped by to kill the wizard. Thank God you weren’t the pest control guy we called for, that’s all I’m saying.”
“I don’t know why they’re so angry at ME. Half the place was falling to pieces on its own anyway.”
“Quick Quiz: is that a slug up there, or did I just chop off a stone giant’s penis? Send your answer to ‘OH GOD WHY?! Stone Castle Avenue box 5, 7650 Moutain Path’.”
“Now, then… to find out if I got a hold of all the swords.”
“Somehow, it galls me that I’ve returned to the ‘room of obedience’. I’m really backtracking’s bitch, aren’t I?”
“Ohoho, but was it all worth it? To that, I can only say…. KA-CHING!”
“Sword of Gold. That sounds like a spectacularly bad idea, but let’s just put our faith in this game not following the same kind of realism that Minecraft featured. OK, so you could build floating volcano fortresses in Minecraft, but you know what I mean.”
“Well, back to the gate. Now that I have the Sword of GOLD, it should open, right?”
“…or explode. Of course. I mean… why didn’t I see THAT coming?”
“Well, whatever. Now I can finally enter… uh, the… Holy Pain? Oh dear, that’s not ominous at all.”
“Swords and helmets. Thank God the helmets aren’t at the end of the swords, or Freud would NEVER let me live it down.”
“MORE swords? Who’s been doing the interior decoration in this place? Damocles?!”
“We meet at last, Golden Helmet. Prepare to fall to my… uh, Golden Sword.”
“……”
“Not what it sounds like, I swear…”
“Whatever. Taste my blocks, fool!”
“Take that, ears of Golden Helmet. You’ll think twice about stealing my girlfriend after this, huh?!”
“Augh! Now I know what Picasso felt like. Also, what girlfriend? I’m just guarding the grail, and for good reason, as you’ll find out.”
“Um….”
“Castle map? Well, that was mighty generous of you guys with your wings and your fistpumping. Almost makes me think Medusa raided a heavy metal concert or something. Anyway, let’s have a look.”
“….yeah, of course there’s a few areas I seem to have missed, particularly a large section on the bottom right.”
“But what if I’d just go get the grail right now? I mean… it’s not like there’s anything stopping me anymore, right? Why would I want to waste my time spelunking this place when all I have to do is go inside, get the grail and rescue my girl? That makes sense, right?”
“Ohoho, yes, there it is. My lovely cup of salvation. Now to grab it and do my thing.”
“Man, this thing glitters like a jewel. Makes me wish I hadn’t seen that third Indiana Jones movie. Wasn’t that thing supposed to be a simple woodsman cup or something? And by that, I don’t mean the piece that protects his junk from a tragic woodcarving accident of the more double-entendre kind.”
“Well, whatever. Here, my… uh, large and imposing girlfriend. Drink from my cup… oh, dang, I’m doing it again.”
“And my mind getting ahead of itself… or rather, the dramatical monologue.”
“Massive, yes. Invincible? Well, that’d give her an advantage over the other dragon I met in this place. They were more like… brittle? Very not invincible?”
“Girls! It’s always about the bling, isn’t it?”
“This… grail. It must give my girl her legs back. Her wings must be getting tired by now.”
“Oh, lordy, wait! That wasn’t supposed to happen. What… what’s going on?!”
“OH GOD I’M TURNING INTO SKELETOR! I’M FOREVER DOOMED TO BE A MINCING, WHINY VILLAIN! OH MY, DID I EVER CHOOSE POORLY!”
“Thank you for playing?! Thank you for failing miserably, more like. How could you… how could you do this to me?”
Wrought with pain from his folly, our hero looks up from the cup to see… nothing, as his eyeballs fell out of their sockets and rolled into the goblet, splashing around in the cursed waters. In the darkness, one thought permeated his mind….
“HELL no! I ain’t havin’ any of that, let me tell you. I’m invoking the power of Wayne’s World Happy Endings on this bastard right now, forgetting that the ending just now ever happened. Spelunking it is!”
To be continued…. right?!