Chapter 4: We’re off to see the Wizard…. and kill him.
“Well, let’s move on to something actually useful: a sword. Made of ice. Which means I should probably not store it next to my sword of fire. Yep, I’m putting it in my OTHER pocket.”
“After testing it, of course. And gee golly, I can throw it straight ahead. I guess it just magically returns to my hands when my back is turned.”
“I guess I haven’t seen the last of you, door-vanquishing ball-stick. And, as usual, you leave me one option; extreme sword crushing.”
“Hmmm, yes, I do wonder where we’ll end up once we cross the multiload border.”
“Yep. Oh, castle, how I’ve missed thee. I guess it’s quite telling by how I’ll be out of this place in the very next screen.”
“Aaaah, yes. Now for the only time my recently aquired OWL skill will have any use at all, after which any particular use will merely be for the novelty. Or just for the sake of it. ARBITRARY WORLD ACCESS BLOCKAGE HOOOO!”
“But before I go, I should probably save… or something. SSSAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEE!”
“And off we go. Because behind the sewer level, there’s… a mountain level? Yeah, I’m not even going to try to explain that.”
“Well, at least there’s a huge face hidden behind a box-o’-bricks. Not sure how somebody messed up the design on the blueprint, but I’m not sure how hiding an artful design behind a solid brick wall makes any sense, unless I could magically see through it. So… yeah.”
“Mountain stairs. I… ah… are these steps carved?! How many slaves did it take to populate this mountain with paths made up of square stone slabs?”
“…..”
“But more importantly, what the hell are those things on the wall? Either someone’s been holding a turd dart throwing competition, or another hero has been up here before me, and he’s really tired of all the damn maggots.”
“Christ, I haven’t seen this much slime since I watched the second Ghostbusters movie. Isn’t this supposed to be a mountain?! At what point did a mountain carry enough humidity to support life made up of around 95% jelly? I mean… I could buy this if I’d actually encounter any swamps or rivers up here, but it’s all stone, some of it looking a bit too neatly carved.”
“Yes, we are getting somewhere now. Maybe if I’m lucky, I can get to the top, standing on an overlook on the left where I’ll spot a tiny little castle on the ground at the foot of this here mountain thing. Then my view experience combo will finally be complete.”
“OK, while I’m all for murdering senseless amounts of faceless minion nobodies, these guys do not even have a body. Sort of. I think this place would have been more easily conquered if I had been armed with a shovel. Or a pinch of salt or two.”
“Wow! This… it’s the entrance to a gay bar, isn’t it? You can’t fool me, nondescript mountain. I’ve seen all the Police Academy movies. There’s nothing but men clad in leather or denim and El Bimbo playing on the stereo in here, isn’t it?”
“See? They’ve even left their tools out there OH GOD WHY DID I HOP ON THIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT?!”
“Well, I’m saved. Literally. In a second.”
“OK, creepily discernable plugs aside, this is either the dumbest stair design ever, or someone thought Jenga would be more fun if you added glue to it.”
“Ah, of course. Here’s the big payoff for getting to the top: another stone slab to read.”
“Dragons breathe fire, you say? What a novel concept. Next, you’ll probably tell me they kidnap maidens and fight knights too, aren’t you? I might even need to untie said princess from whatever pole you had her tied to with your short, unwieldy dragon arms that are far too big for that sort of thing.”
*sigh* “Well, I guess I should get this over with.”
“Wait, you don’t even have hands. Or a body for that matter. How did you tie the princess to the wooden pole?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about dragon stuff that I never really understood.”
“Well, that makes two of us.”
“Not for long, no.”
“You know, maybe your chances would be better if you fired straigt at me instead of just some set places. Or that you didn’t put armor pieces around the place specifically made to prevent the one attack you do that is worth anything from hurting me.”
“Don’t tell me how to do my job!”
“OK, fine. I’m just saying I’m perfectly safe standing right here as long as I’m wearing my armor of fire. I’m just saying you’d be better off ditching your fire attack completely and instead concentrating on shooting your bolts directly at me. You know, the attacks that actually CAN hurt me.”
“Oh, shut up. What would you know about being a boss?”
“Well, I know enough not to build a freaking stair leading up to my face. Granted, I could’ve reached your head with jumping anyway, but what am I supposed to make of this? That you’re suicidal? Or that you needed more iron in your diet?”
“And there he went, leaving behind the only thing that mattered: sad memories and a couple of steps that now lead absolutely nowhere.”
“Another bird-related powerup, but you know what? This one actually makes contextual sense. OK, so I’ll also be pecking stone, but so what? It’s a powerup where I don’t need a slab of stone to tell me how I should slap my forehead for not seeing the connection immediately. Boy, I almost feel smart now.”
“Well, OK, so I wanted to read it anyway. DON’T JUDGE ME!”
“Oh, God, we’re going in the back door, aren’t we? And that’s something you NEVER want to say when entering the Blue Oyster Bar.”
“Um… or we go further down. To where, I wonder?”
“So, I’m slowly descending into a pipe-like structure with wall-mounted poopie? This place has really gone down the John, hasn’t it?”
“I’d do a ‘I’ve come to clean up this place’ joke, but… ew.”
“And now, I’ve apparently reached hell. Ain’t that just all kinds of dandy?”
“GAH! Fireballs randomly popping up behind me. I guess that’s what happens when poopie combusts. Damn methane.”
“Yay, an armorGAH! You have me trapped now, poop bombs. I swear; somebody’s been hard on the chili.”
“But at least I can shoot the constant stream of fireballs away… because that makes sense, right?”
“And up we go. Under constant fire from… oh, God, it’s shooting sparks now. Is there something beyond chili that I don’t want to know about?”
“Finally at the top, where another set of stairs can be found, apparently. I… just don’t know anymore.”
“Wait, MORE fire and brimstone? But… but… I’ve ascended.”
“WHOA! I’m back out again, and thankfully without any forced tangos with burly men with porn moustaches and Village People costumes.”
“Slugs and bugs. Slugs and bugs. I don’t remember where I’ve heard THAT quote before — or whether I remember it correctly — but…”
“Well, into the… big mouth of… I dunno. Madness?”
“……”
“Good lord! Where is your jaw, man?! Your jaw.”
“And it’s a… castle? Temple? Why didn’t I see THAT coming?”
“Because Red Bull give you wings. (Or rather, Red BS, amirite?)”
“Um…. soooo…. am I to assume you would like for me to stand under the ledge so that you can push that stone in a way that will make it fall and crush my brittle bones into fine paste?”
“That would indeed be nice.”
“Yyyyyeah, seeing as I didn’t bring my Armor of Crushing Death, I’ll refrain from doing that.”
“Awwww.”
“Hello, shorty. Did you fall off your Sandcrawler or something?”
“Har har, you so funny.”
“Yeah, I can see you pointing that out.”
“Curses! If you only stood a little higher, my fireballs would sort you out.”
“Unless, of course, I have the Armor of Fire, in which case you’re screwed, aren’t you?”
“That would be quite inconvenient, yes, so thank you for wearing the purple one, then. What is that anyway? Wind?”
“How right you are.”
“What the hell is this?! Pillar crabs? It would help if you didn’t waste energy by constantly jabbing your pincher up from the ground, thereby signaling your location to anyone wielding something huge and murderous.”
“…..”
“And you can’t hear what I’m saying, can you? Or if you can, you don’t care, right? Well, your loss.”
“Hmm. This sure is an empty room. I can’t foresee anything potentially dangerous happening here, right? Nope.”
“HAHA! You have been foiled again… uh, falling pillars? SUPERGLUE, PEOPLE!”
“Gnah! Another just-out-of-reach vase. And I really need that energy too, right? What good is it giving me the ability to do another jump mid-air if all you’re going to do is raise the stakes…. outside my reach.”
“Yeesh, more Jawa and more stoners. Pass the bong, please.”
“HAHA, your… uh, stones… won’t work against me. For I am PRINCE… of… uh, something, I hope.”
“Curses, foiled again.”
“Now, now, don’t you go steal the lines of the main antagonist… whomever that might be in THIS gam… uh, I mean world.”
“…..”
*whew* “Almost broke the fourth wall there.”
“Ah, rune of thinly veiled Buddhism. We meet again.”
“OH NO A STO.. haha, fooled you again.”
“STOP TEASING ME, YOU JERK!”
“Sorry, sorry. I’ll let you crush my soft, fleshy body with a huge stone the next time we meet, OK?”
“You promise?”
“NOPE! HA HA HA HA HA!”
“Oh, for the love of… much as I’d love to see whether this stone would crush a claw… or vice versa… I simply don’t have the time. Or interest.”
“Oh, come on. I spent a lot of time setting this up.”
“Sure you did. And what do you do in your spare time? Combine magnifying glass with anthill?”
“Is… is that a gun in your hand or are you just happy to see..OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU?!”
“I’m the tank, buddy. And I’m here to shoot…”
“DON’T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE! I want to spend the remainder of my life without crying myself to sleep, thank you very much.”
“Do you like my gun barrel? It’s very shiny, isn’t it?”
“Whyhyhyyyyy.”
“Oh, God, let this be a secret back door exit. I don’t want to meet any more of those gun barrel guys. All the energy in the world isn’t going to do any good if I do.”
“What the… have I reached the top of the world now? OLYMPUS, HERE I COME!”
“…..”
“What? It’s all pillars and stone and stuff. It’s a wonder I haven’t encountered any of the Greek deities yet.”
“What the….I don’t even know… buh?!”
“Well, at least they can be killed…. I think?! Man, this is the first time I’ve ever encountered something that looked like it was made up of 100% tentacles.”
“Wait, I can go even further up? Yeah, I better make sure I’ve covered everything before heading up there.”
“Oh, great. More of… these things. Hey, come to think of it, I think these guys could be great with shadow puppetry. That chance will pass in a couple of seconds, though.”
“Max Energy, we meet again. Thank God I went over here to pick THAT up. Totally worth it.”
“Oh well, let’s see who sits on top of this world, if only so we can dethrone them.”
As the mystery of the lord of this… castle… thing… is about to be revealed, our hero briefly considered which kind of danger he will find himself in.
“Ah, it’s a wizard. Say, do you have any other moves in your arsenal than these ice balls making the rounds?”
“Um….”
“You don’t. Well, I hope you haven’t formed any kind of attachment to your life, then, because I’ll be taking that away pretty shortly.”
“Fiddlesticks! I knew I should have taken that Armor of Ice and locked it away somewhere.”
“Them’s the breaks, Wiz, and yours is about to end.”
To be continued….