Chapter 3: The long sludge through the sludge.
“Well, now we are getting somewhere. My map finally looks like a really weird rifle.”
“Anyway, now that I’ve earned the double jump, I’ve got some backtracking to do. You know… for the items dangling tantalizingly out of my reach mere moments ago, which sounds like a really questionable thing to say, now that I think about it.”
“Yee-haw, energy overload. Who says Trix are just for kids? I F-F-F-F-FEEL LIKE I C-C-C-C-C-COULD T-T-T-T-T-TAKE OVER THE W-W-W-WORLD NOW!”
“……”
“G-G-GUh, WUH-WHAT’S HAPPPPPPEPEPENING TO M-M-M-M-M-M-ME?!”
“Urgh! That was unpleasant. Good thing a finger down my throat took care of that. Hell, next time, I’ll even remember to put my sword down before doing that.”
“YES! See, now THAT is something that makes sense. Sword of FIRE; two destructive elements combined. Fire and sharp edges together at last, ready to turn murder into a cooperative event.”
“Also, another ball is finally within my reach.”
“……”
“Uh… which… isn’t what it sounded like.”
“And wouldn’t it be totally awesome if said ball opened a certain door that blocked my way to another shie.. er, I mean armor.”
“Whooo, yeah. And now, wall-mounted loogie head, I shall go in and claim my prize, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. MOUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“…right. ‘Armour of fire’. That sounds… a little bit less like a good idea. I mean… the only time you see someone ‘wear’ fire is the seconds before they die from it, and you can usually pick up on this when you hear the screaming.”
“Oh well, now that I have my bonus loot, let us return to exploring the wyvern caverns…. also not what it sounds like.”
“Yep. Map still looks like a really weird fantasy rifle with a scope extension. Lovely. Anyway, moving on.”
“And by that I mean SAVE! …ssssave what, I keep asking myself. I don’t see any girlfriends nearby, but I guess I’m still working on that.”
“And now that I can hop up here… there’s actually no point in doing so because this is where I returned from my big battle against a dragon.”
“……”
“Oh, Christ, I hope the dragon I killed wasn’t my girlfriend. That would be…. very bad.”
“I’m on top ‘o the world now, ma. What dangers will I encounter here, I wonder?”
“Ooooh. Hello there, big guy.”
“Hey. I don’t suppose you’d be willing to just pass by without swinging your sword.”
“No can do. One of the rules I signed before getting this armor was that I had to murder absoutely everything at least once. So… prepare to bite the dust, Mr. Hugeass.”
“Two heads are better than one. Double the loogies, and triple the… uh… OK, I just had this random thought where I tried imagining the heads’ bodies sticking out on the other side of the wall in what has got to be some kind of hilarious Cho Aniki montage.”
“…..”
“Yeah, I will be moving on with swiftness.”
“Max Energy is all well and fine, but I would have liked Max Headroom better.”
“I can’t help but think this… ‘Energy Max Increase’ sounds like a sports drink. Or a workout routine. Either way, I’m not sticking around for the second course.”
“The faces shoot ice bolts and the worm-dragon hybrids shoot fire. No wonder my armor is brown.”
“Well, this could have been a nice, straight little room, but nooo… somebody had to raise the bar and insert a completely redundant platform-on-a-stick.”
“Ah, a mine cart. Because obviously somebody here is a fan of Indiana Jones. Probably. It’s not a very big cart, though, so I guess it’s a good thing that my center of gravity is very, very low, seeing as how I can hold a sword easily as big as I am without tipping over. And who else can do that, huh? Anyone?”
“Oh, sod off!”
“That was fun, if a bit short. What kind of stuff did they need a mine cart system to move… like, maybe twenty feet or something? Seems a bit redundant, isn’t it? It’s like these people never invented the wheelbarrow.”
“Ah, it’s my old friend Bellowface Poncewind. So, how’s it hanging?”
“Hmm. I like that name. It sounds… classy.”
“Of course you do.”
“Ohoho, what’s this? Another piece of armor? MUST GET!”
“But first I have to find out how to reach that spot, because it looked juuuuust out of reach even from my amazing double jump ability.”
“……”
“Hmmm, I think I have an idea.”
“Yessir, this worked out quite well. Now to figure out how how I’m going to wear this armor without my nipples piercing the breast plate. That, or the shrinkydink.”
“Brrrr. Oh, yes, I can definitely feel something poking where it shouldn’t. And it’s not my shrinkydink.”
“Ah, well, back to ol’ rusty, I guess. Also, why is this minecart not moving? Too hoity-toity for any kind of propulsion?”
“Pshaw. Well, the arrow beckons, so I must go.”
“The castle? Nooooo, not again.”
“And not only the castle, but my favorite part of the castle; the tower with two paths. Good thing I know I don’t need to ascend.”
“Well, I guess we’re going back to everyone’s favorite level, then; the SEWER level.”
“And lo and behold, the great golden gate appeared… er… with spikes on it.”
“…..”
“I guess that’s more efficient than a ‘do not enter’ sign.”
“Those who throw golden swords, Mr. Lord, should not feel they need to protect the glass… um.. or something. Wasn’t I trying to find a GRAIL?! It’s supposed to be made of gold. Or at least some kind of metal.”
“Well, no matter. Let’s drop down to the sewers and see if we can find a gigantic crocodile or whatever other animals Mr. Lord flushed down his toilet.”
“Hey, that doesn’t look like a toilet at all. And jumping into it sent me to… waaaait a second. I think I know this place.”
“Oh, balls! I’m back in the castle again. It’s a hard place to get away from, isn’t it?”
“…well, unless I jump into the toilet again. Or the well, that is. And I think this is the first well of wishes I’ve seen where I have to throw MYSELF into it.”
“Yes, this sure is a sewer level, alright. I think the most common enemies in this place are various shapes and colors of blobs. And yes, I just said a blob has a shape. Sorta. Shut up!”
“Blobs on the floor. Blobs on the walls. Blobs on the ceiling.”
“…..”
“I guess somebody down here is a fan of the ‘pick-and-flick’ method of nosepicking.”
“Wha… who are you? Did someone flush PAC MAN down a toilet?”
“BOINGY BOING!”
“Ah, a verbose fellow. Seems to have lost his WAKAWAKAWAKA accent, though, replacing it with ‘wacky’ instead.”
“The sea of green, and not a yellow submarine in sight. Well, more like the minor ponds of green, but still….”
“Least I chose the right way up first, this time. And I could use some energy right about now, so I guess now is the time to make like the hulk and SMASH!”
“Gah! Not only did I pick the wrong path again, but it looks like I have to face Pac Man’s evil half brother too. At least it’ll be worth it, what with me getting yet another sword to play with.”
“Ah, yes, the sword of wind. Because when you have to outweird the concept of having a sword made up of either a liquid or combustion — you know, actual VISIBLE effects — then the wind is the way to do it.”
“And wind is apparently purple. Because of course.”
“Christ, even the gelatinous blobs shoot fire down here. Either this is normal blob behavior, or Mr. Lord should stop snorting chili.”
“Oh, hey. You guys again.”
“BOINGY BOINGY BOING!”
“….yes, of course.”
“That thing below me ALMOST looks like a really oversized ladder, but we’re probably not that lucky, are we?”
“Nope. Let’s go the slightly longer way around, and… what’s this? Another stone?”
“Ah, yes, a hint. I guess it’s trying to tell me that my nipples are going tb be feeling like two jellybeans if I plan on dressing myself for the impending fight. I guess there’s nothing to do about that. Time to put on the cold shoulder.”
“Another dragon. Of course. I’m guessing you’re not my girlfriend either.”
“No, but I’m about to make you MY girlfriend, if you know what I mean.”
“Yyyeah, you and which ass wings?”
“Har har.”
“Dude, I’m down here. There’s absolutely no point in firing straight ahead. I do realize that you might be thinking the sudden (and very periodical) flock of birds would take care of me, but no.”
“I’m glad I could help you get a head of yourself.”
“……”
“You don’t have to say anything. Not that you would be able to anymore anyway.”
“……”
“Oooh. Another diamond thing, meaning another skill. I wonder what kind of new thing I can do now that I have the double jump.”
“The power of the owl. Right. So, that’s… what, exactly? Can I see well in the dark? Can I turn my head around in a full circle? Can I eat rats?”
The second dragon fallen, our hero ponders the rewards earned and wonders where it would allow him to go now. He still had a long way to go, and what he’d have to go up against is anybody’s guess.
“So, the power of the owl is… floating? How does that differ from ANY bird? And can’t most birds FLY anyway? I… just… don’t get this place and its odd context when it comes to birds. Somebody needs Wikipedia in their lives, that’s for damn sure.”
To be continued…