Chapter 2: Expanding my collection.
“Well… maybe I can get somewhere this time. Also, I guess I should be glad I’m not walking between castles — much less cities. Or even worlds. That would be the backtrack to end all backtracks.”
“Oh, my, this new sword is working quite well, though. I guess it’s gotta be pretty freaking embarrassing to meet one’s demise by way of watery death.”
“…..”
“Um… or maybe not, seeing as what happened in Thailand a couple of years ago, or in Japan even after that. This joke was in poor taste, wasn’t it? Apologies.”
“So… ‘Center Tower Lower’. Designation labelling inconsistency hilarity much?”
“Yyyyeah, I got my energy, so I’m not going to waste any of it fighting a worm unless I have to. Besides, I’m a leftist first and foremost anyway.”
Hmm. I’m much higher up now, but the mountain range in the background is still visible in the distance at around the same height.”
“……”
“It must be following me!”
“Well, OK, I’m not THAT much higher up. Like… three or four floors or something. What do you want?”
“Well, either the castle designer decided I could use a break from the climbing, or I’m like goddamned Alice in Wonderland in the biggest stairs ever made. Either way, it makes me feel special, so I’m all for it.”
“Oh, look, it’s Mr. Aerobics again. Maybe I could sneak a barstool underneath him while he’s jumping. I’ve always wanted to watch someone do the Nutcracker Suite.”
“Oh, look. Something new. Or maybe it’s just trying to follow the color sceme. Which isn’t going to matter when I’m done smashing it.”
“Blue balls, huh? I think I got that once… while playing golf in Scotland during winter. Maybe I should’ve worn something under my kilt.”
“Ohoho, it’s another Dragon knob. My sexual innuendo knows no bounds…. and will apparently not get any rest anytime soon.”
“Open sesame. Or I’ll cut your balls off.”
“Well… I guess this wasn’t it. Ah, the wall; the final frontier.”
*sigh* “I suppose it was redundantly optimistic of me to think I could avoid the worm forever. I guess I should just head over here and check out the area before I move on.”
“Wait, didn’t I leave those mountain ranges behind… that is, below… further down this tower? My God, it really IS following me, isn’t it? Or maybe this tower is sinking below ground. Yeah, that would suck quite much.”
“Erm… or maybe not. Damn, this place is confusing. Also, ‘room of obedience’? So… do I sit here and watch for the dominatrix with the leather whip heading over to put me in my place?”
“Or maybe this stone will cover the demanding princess part. It’s so cute; it wants me to bring ALL of the swords here, no exceptions.
“Um… well… it’s… a big gem? And they call it a ‘golden shrine’? I guess it’s not just the latex and the whips anymore; I’m expected to supply a golden shower too, huh?”
“And now my map screen looks like a huge camera too. This just adds so many new layers of pervertedness, I think I should leave before the need for a ‘fetal position in the shower’ therapy session arises.”
“And not only do I have to go all the way down here again; I also have to return to the other side now that one of the doors are open. And it’s the top one. Of course.”
“Yeah, this door is still locked. I guess I gotta go out and locate another dragon testicle to stab. Woulda been nice to meet a REAL dragon for once.”
“Is it just me, or did my head smash into the wall and get lodged there?”
“….”
“Curses, the doorway is so close, I can almost… uh, taste it.”
“Oh, for… castle, could you please stop putting so many goodies just tantalizingly out of my reach? I know I have to get the double jump. No need to rub it in.”
“And it’s another locked door. Hah. And it’s also green. Were they out of blue paint when they got to the doors in this place? Or is there some kind of law that decrees all doors should be green? Or am I just overthinking this?”
“Hehey, looks like I’ll be getting myself another armor… that still looks like a shield, but let it not be said I can’t recognize a good pattern when it’s being knitted to me. I can do that much better than finding a good metaphor when I’ve got less than a minute to do it.”
“Ew, it’s all brown and rusty. Guess I shouldn’t have picked the one that was stored in the cow patties.”
“Oh, for…. and there’s ANOTHER piece of armor behind that door too. When will this ballsy madness end?!”
“Not now, it would seem. But I should be so lucky that this was the nut that opened the door I just left, right? Right. Now, let’s head back left.”
“Yeah, I thought so. Well, nothing to do but go down. Also, this isn’t a tower. It’s just another extra floor upstairs. Call me back when I have to head up at least three screens. And there better be some fine loot at the top.”
“Oh well, at least I can continue in this direction. And finally cross the big loading border. Let’s see how that goes.”
“Ah, loading screen; old companion of the Commodore. How I missed thee. Also, thank you for letting me know what I’m in for…. probably.”
“That’s not a wyvern. That’s a worm with a wyvern head…. that shoots fire, granted, but still…”
“…nope. Not going to say it. I’m tired of pointing out my shortcomings despite this place being crack-smokingly happy about it. But mark my words, castle. Vengeance will be mine. Oh yes, it will.”
“And now I can’t even walk around a circular pillar of sorts. A wall I can understand, but THIS defeating me? What would Giana do?”
“Going down, I guess? And we got green faces shooting light blue loogies at me now? Do they have a minty flavor too, maybe?”
“Rune of what? Is this some kind of hindu thing? Buddhism, perhaps? Maybe this stone has all the answers.”
“I… you… how…”
“….”
“So… ‘press F1 to save’? Save what? My girlfriend? I thought I was already underway to do that… WITH MY SWORD!”
“…..”
“I’m… going to refrain from making any ‘abortion’ jokes, though.”
“Worms and faces. Yeah, not much variety here. It’s kind of the same as the front part of the castle, aside from the different head designs and the color sceme.”
“Oh man, I don’t think even a double jump would help me here. No way around it other than… um, going around… I guess.”
“Except I can’t really go around these pillar things… even though I’m finally on the other side. If only I was a worm and didn’t care. I’d just slide systematically left and right, hocking loogies as I go.”
“Oh well, right it is. And helloooo floating bloaty-faces. How you guys doing?”
“Oh, we’re just hanging around.”
“Do I have to do that ‘ask either of us a question, but know that one of us is always lying and the other is always telling the truth’ thing?”
“Uh… what?”
“No, you don’t. Why would that even be an option?”
“Because I’d like to think you’d present a bigger danger than just hanging around in space, trying to get me with your spitballs.”
“On second thought, maybe we could try that quiz thing.”
“Or you could pucker up and kiss my ass.”
“That’s an option too.”
“Or I could just leave and you could try to stop me, huh? Heh heh heh.”
“Curses. Our weakness has been exposed.”
“Boy, was that a waste of time. Let’s see if higher ground gives us the goods.”
“Hellooo new type of urn. Mind if I smash you now and nick your soft innards? I didn’t think you would.”
“MAX energy? I can’t make any jokes about this when the items are being so clearly labelled. Unless I do the ‘my name isn’t Max’ thing, but then, nobody is called Max these days, right?”
“Protection against gravel and dust? I just… wait, ‘end up on the dragon’s spear’? Wow, that is… the most astonishlingly perverted thing I’ve read so far. I thought dragon penis was one of those weird fetishes that only existed in the darker regions of the internet, but here it is.”
“Well, I guess there’s nothing to do but don the brown armor and prepare for… ugh …’dragon spears’.”
“Oh, so it really IS spears. Whew, and here I thought I was going to have to… wait, what is that thing dangling below his head. Please dear God let that be his tail. And I mean TAIL tail, not.. you know…”
“It IS my tail, you weird, perverted, brown little man. …with a sword.”
“….”
“I’m going to die, aren’t I?”
“Yep.”
“And he meets defeat. Also, seeing as a door got opened as a result, does that mean I also crushed his balls?”
“….”
“Well, never mind that. Seeing as he exploded away, I can finally move on and claim my rewards.”
“Yay diamond… I think?”
“The… power of ostrich. And that means…. what, exactly? Can I run real fast now? Kick really hard? Oh please tell me, mysterious stone.”
“Ah, of course. Because everyone knows ostriches are known for being able to jump while in mid-air, right?”
“Well, never mind that. I got the double jump, so that’s what counts. Finally, I can… go back to the places I’ve already been and get the stuff I couldn’t reach before. Yippeeee.”
“…..”
“Oh, and I got the earth sword. Elements hoooo.”
“And boyo, look at that thing go. Why I can’t throw this thing straight. Better yet, choose which direction I want to throw these weapons, I’ll never know.”
“Oh well, at least I got another thing I can test.”
The very first dragon defeated, our hero soars with renewed vigor and self-esteem… not to mention a sweet new skill. Vowing to step things up, he braces himself for some heavy-duty exploration and monster-slaying.
…I think.
“Yeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaw. Oh man, this is just awesome. I could do this for hours.”
To be continued…