Greetings and salutations, my friends. It’s been a little while, hasn’t it? Indeed, it’s been a full year since I started my last LP, and, granted, that one took me about six months to finish. Still, let it not be said that I plan on quitting this yet, so I decided to take on one of the newer games I have, released in 2009. We are, of course, talking about Knight ‘n Grail… on the Commodore 64.
…wait, what?
Knight ‘n Vania.
Chapter 1: Haven’t we been here before?
“Hah, well, I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s starting on my big, heroic quest standing outside a castle. Good thing I got this archmage dude to grant me a sword and an armor. Pretty basic stuff, but I’m on a budget to begin with.”
“What’s that, helpful rock? You have something to say? Well, then; let’s hear it.”
“Um… ‘pressing space’? Is this some kind of meta thing? How do you press something that can’t even be touched? Never mind the fact that me standing around flailing my arms around is going to look pretty freaking stupid. I mean… Wow, my mind is blown.”
“Well, anyway, let’s check this map thingy.”
“…..”
“I suppose that’s to be expected, seeing as I’ve just started this big, ol’ quest of mine. Won’t be able to play Tetris with THAT.”
“And apparently, I throw my sword. And it returns like a boomerang. At least it’s not swordchucks. That would probably not end well.”
“Helloooo first obstacle.”
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
“Of course no-..wait, what? Was that a… you’ve been sniffing into my movie collection, haven’t you?”
“I am a servant of the secret grail, wielder of dinky, spiky bullets fired slowly.”
“Well… I have a sword. That I can throw. Several times.”
“Do you now?”
“I sure do. Here, let me show you.”
“Well, that was amusing. And now I get to read some more. It’s like Halloween and Read or Die combined into one delicious package of violence and words. And… uh, worms?”
“DRAGON staves? So, what qualifies a staff to be labelled dragon? Does it breathe fire? Kidnap maidens and tie them up to pillars in an attempt to lure the knights in for a quick, crunchy snack?”
“And we got MORE gates. I guess there’s quite a few dragon staves lying about.”
“…..”
“I think this has got to be the least functional way to lock up doors. Just THINK of all the maidens they had to kidnap just to lock all these halls, all of which are probably just filled with more worms anyway. They could at least have streamlined it by tying the maidens to the dragon staves in question. Hell, maybe that’s exactly what they did.”
“Or maybe not. So… dragon staves are basically big balls on a stick, huh? Hoo boy, can I feel a Freudian overload coming on or what?”
“And swording it sufficiently made it lose its foreskin. So, in other words, I’m circumcising them? And here I thought I’d already reached maximum Freudness. Oy vey.”
“Bah, of course this wasn’t the way. And we really needed a flipscreen to fake me out about it too, huh?”
“Well, hey, the dragonball… er, I mean stave… opened the closest door. MINIMUM AMOUNTS OF BACKTRACKING?! YES, PLEASE!”
“Ohoho, somebody’s been throwing themselves over the bottle last night all night. Either that, or somebody likes hocking their loogies. We’re not playing Monkey Island 2 here, Walldo.”
“Either someone here is bored, or I’ve stumbled — accidentally, might I add — upon the annual castle minion aerobics lesson of the day. And it appears our jumping Jack dude up here wore his tights so… well, tight… that his nuts apparently shot out of his skull and flew off in different direction. Lesson learned, I guess.”
*sigh* “Yet another door opened, and… hey, what’s that thing dangling in the ceiling there. A purple testicle? Could I hold out some hope that somebody got a hold of Barney at last and gave him the castration he so deserved?”
“Another murder and an energy orb. This is starting to become routine.”
“….”
“Well, at least I have a good idea where this… ladder? Floating platform thingie? …is going.”
“Yyyyeah, we’re getting high up here.”
“And my map is starting to look a bit suggestive too, in a ‘rifle barrel’ kind of a way.”
“…..”
“What? Did you expect something else?”
“Oooh, sweet. It’s a shield. I don’t HAVE a shield, so that should serve me good. Say… against the many projectiles being shot at me. Don’t mind if I do, gov’nor.”
“Wait, armor of water? No, not armor, but ARMOUR! Golly gee, my friends, we are speaking ye queen’s language now, aren’t we? And it’s the right COLOUR too.”
“….”
“Bah! I still wanted a shield.”
“Well… it looks nice, at least… I guess. And… uh, it’ll protect me. Against… rain?”
“Like I said. Man, even the RAIN in this place isn’t screwing around.”
“Well, here we are. Raindrops keep falling on my head, and a steep drop right in front of me. It’s like some kind of depressing routine of ‘should I? Shouldn’t I?’ All we’re missing now is a small violin bringing up the rear. But fine, I’ll play your game, little violin. I’ll do it! Watch me!”
“Hm, well, that was anticlimactic. And now that I know there are armors that grants me immunity against water, I’m wondering… is there also an armor… sorry, ARMOUR… that also grants me immunity against hangover loogies? I seriously need to know, man.”
“Well, at least I’m also immune against worm shots. Either that, or my crotch is shooting water, and I can only regret not pulling down my ARMOUR pants in time. But more disturbingly, this armo… uh, ARMOUR… might actually make me immune against wetting myself. And that’s a conundrum for the ages.”
“Worms and loogies, worms and loogies. I sure love me some more of that, yessir. Least I get me some more ENERGY.”
“OK, I guess this is where my projectile-dodging skill training comes into play. Hell, if I can do this, I’m pretty sure I can survive the next Roskilde festival unvomited on. And if you thought that sounded awkward, then you’ve never tried holding a conversation with a stoned-out festival goer on his fifth day without sleep.”
“….”
“Hold on, I was going somewhere with this.”
“Oh, Goddamn it! There is no direct route, is there?”
“Oh God, another purple testicle. Must not stare. Just.. turn your back and go.”
“Man, this is one tall castle. I’m literally looking DOWN on the mountains far in the distance. And it’s certainly not making me nauseous and ready to throw up all over this… uh, helmet. Yeah, I’m taking that one off if it comes to that.”
“What do you mean ‘common sense’? I’m a knight. I can’t just pull down my pants whenever the situation calls for it.”
“Oh, man, is that a sword? And of course it had to be lying up on that window frame high up there, where I cannot reach. I’ll try, but…”
“…yeah, just as I thought. Oh, if only I had some kind of… say, double jump or something. But that’s just silly, right? Why should this castle impart me with something as convenient — not to mention common — as that. Because otherwise, I’d have to backtrack my way over here again once I find it, and that would be kind of irritating, right?”
“Erm… yeah. That… probably means something.”
“Balls and windows, gentlemen. Balls and windows.”
“INCOMING! But with my waterproof armor, I need not even dodge the… uh, water shot from the worm.”
“….”
“I didn’t do that on purpose. I swear.”
“Yee-haw, full circle at last, and now this place is open.”
“Oh, Christ, what is that? An eyeball?”
“I can ssseeeee yyyyooouuu…”
“OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD STAB IT IN THE EYE!”
“Well, that’s about all of me, isn’t it?”
“RIGHT YOU ARE!”
“Oh, thank Go-..wait, another one?! Gah, why me?”
“Eyeballs always come in pairs, don’tcha know?”
“Unless you’re a spider, yes.”
“Indeed. In other words, kill me, and you only have to deal with my six remaining brothers.”
“I want to go home now.”
“Well, now. Doesn’t this look like another place I’d need a double-jump to reach. It’s getting harder and harder to deny this little gameplay skill ever entering the equation now, huh?”
*sigh* “I suppose I’ve got no choice but head down here again, and… oh, Goddamn it; another closed door. How many dragonballs does this place have?”
“Um… OK, so I’m expected to head off on a long journey just for the priviledge of returning to this spot instantly? Am I the only one realizing how stupid that is? Yeah, yeah, I know I’m expected not to get too far ahead of myself, but still…”
“So, these guys’ job is to move up and down in a repeating pattern, hoping my timing has abandoned me completely? Other than that, I’d suspect they’re just trying to buy time, but for what? Yeah, I’m overthinking this one, I’d wager.”
“God, I’m so sick of worms. I don’t have a fishing rod, and I can’t very well be expected to eat them now, can I? I mean… not like this anyway.”
“….”
“My God, I hope that comment won’t come back and bite me in the ass later.”
“Oh, look. It’s Mr. Aerobics. I bet he’ll be nursing a headache pretty soon. Well… except that I kind of have to kill him for being in my way, but.. you know.”
“I guess this place couldn’t afford twin towers, so they made one tower with two stairways — well, that is to say, platformways — in it. How that even BEGINS to make sense other than making this place harder to navigate than necessary is anybody’s guess. And I don’t think I’ll get any good guesses from anyone here.”
“Take that, wall spider. Anyway, this is exactly what I mean. If this damn place had one stairway going up, I could’ve had that sword by now whilst still being able to continue upwards. As it is, though; I’m just going to have to do it. Smash through the walls.”
“And I’m kidding, of course. Backtracking is where it’s at.”
“Curse you again, lack of double jump. When will you ever stop standing in my way?”
“And yeah, I even had to go below this room as well. Go fig.”
“And you know what the best part of all this is? Once I get that sword, I have to go all the way back down again to return to the other side. Well, actually, not QUITE all the way, but yeah, them’s the breaks.”
“Finally. And funnily enough, this floating swordamajig actually looks like the one I’m already holding. Well, except that it’s blue, but hey… elements, right?”
“Yep! Sword of Water, in fact. How you can make a sword out of water is just mind-boggling, though. Sure, you could freeze it, but then it’d be a sword of ice, wouldn’t it?”
A new weapon AND armor. We’re off to a good start, aren’t we? But our hero still has a long way to go before he can be reunited with his loved one. And on the way, there are other priorities that need to be sorted and dealt with.
“Yep. Gravity sure works with this sword.”
To be continued…