Chapter 9: On the Trail of Mommy’s Biggest Fan.
“I’d join you in your outrage over how Shinra just dropped a big plate on the slums and killed a lot of people, in addition to killing your old squadmates, but wow, you in that sailor suit just ruins the crap of any chance I’m ever taking anything you say seriously again.”
“Hey, it was the only thing I could find in my size. And trust me, sucka, I tried wearing a slightly undersized regular uniform, but that one didn’t hide my gun arm.”
“……”
“Well, this one doesn’t either, but hey, I thought ‘if I can’t hide it, I should wear something so distracting that they couldn’t see it if I waved it directly in their faces, yanno.”
“I hear you talking, but wow, I’ve lost my ability to take anything you say seriously for quite some time. I just remember a lot of HNNNNG and GRRRRRR!”
“I’ma just jump in wearing this here suit and hope it’ll distract them enough that they don’t know who is punching them repeatedly.”
“I hear all this sound, but I can’t decipher it at all. Eheh. Hee hee hee.”
“Oh, just turn around or something, sucka!”
“I see mouthflaps moving. I hear something. But I feel like someone is talking to me in a language I can’t understand. Fascinating.”
“The sailorman is talking about butts. I think. Words are melting together into more nonsense.”
“Oh, for the love of….”
“Then why did you ask?!”
“Well, at least you aren’t losing your mind over my outfit.”
“I’m a big cat. I don’t really have a fashion sense.”
“I think it’s cute.”
“I see. Wait, what?!”
“And you’re not the only one, kitty.”
“I… think I prefer ‘big cat’.”
“Um… guys. Priorities?”
“It’s just Barret in a silly suit. There’s no need to get that floored over it.”
“Um… Cloud, I don’t think that’s what he meant.”
“Urgh! What the hell did they shoot me with? It smells like butts and dead people. I can hardly breathe.”
“Blurgh! It really does. Well, at least butts. I have no idea what dead people smell like.”
“But you do know what butts smell like, on the other hand.”
“Oh, shut…” *urp*
“Shut urp? How appropriate.”
“That’s it. The fart shooters need to die.”
“And they shall die from hot lady.”
“Yep. Hot lady being a cold lady.”
“That’s Shiva for ya.”
“She’s so… sparkly.”
“She looks all ready to give our enemies serious frostbite.”
*grumble* “Or the bugeyes.”
“Well… it appears we’re being scrutinized.”
“I can’t believe they made a mob enemy name into a stupid pun.”
“Well, let’s stab them right in those scrutin’ eyes.”
“Awright. Now yer talkin’ mah language.”
“Yee-haw.”
“Wind Slash?”
“What? Is that… like… gay porn centered around farts?”
“Does that mean the two soldiers back then were firing their poot clouds at us because we interrupted them in the act of…”
“Let’s… not take that train of thought any further.”
“It’s half a Sephiroth serving up a big plate of half a sentence.”
“Uh… didn’t we already cover this? He went crazy, set a town on fire and then decided to take over and destroy the world, because I guess he wanted his one-second rule or something.”
“Yes, thank you, Mr. Tactless. Excuse me for trying to make sense of things.”
“Oh, look. Who’s a happy little Jenova? Who’s a good girl? Well… NOT YOU!”
“Good job, Cloud. You made it cry.”
“So? We were going to blow it up anyway.”
“You’re not going to…?”
“…oh, you are. That’s one hell of a bomb to drop on the icon of Oedipus complexes.”
“I will spare Floppy here no expense in embarrassment.”
“That’s… disconcerting.”
“Hey, did I mention how much I hate the guy for what he did?”
“Is he… dismembering his mom and leaving the parts all over the place?”
“Yikes! I thought he loved his mom. In all the disturbing ways.”
“Wasn’t that thing missing its head too? You know what that means, right?”
“That he’s as mad as a mad hatter with a doctorate in madness and hats?”
“So, to sum all of this up….”
“I don’t know why y’all are looking at me.”
“I know this sounds completely insane….”
“No kidding.”
“But what has he been doing for five years? I’m glad he took his sweet time and all, but…”
“Yeah, well… he’s a slow reader, I guess.”
“Ooh, Ifrit. Since Shiva was a hot ice lady, will Ifrit be a cool fire lady?”
“I feel like I should slap you for that line, but I’m not sure which angle to approach from.”
“It does, although calling it ‘the Promised Land’ is a bit iffy on your part. Well… their part. Shinra and all.”
“Yeah, they’re only calling it ‘the Promised Land’ because they plan on looting it inside and out.”
“Yay for profiting on the efforts of other people.”
“You what? You can’t be serious. Did you even see it?”
“I did. What of it?”
“You have weird tastes.”
“Well, I did like it, so boo on you.”
“I know. I’m a regular chatterbox, always steering the conversation off course.”
“You could at least have helped me convince Barret to give the sailor suit a second go.”
“Are you mad?! I saw him in it.”
“I’m standing right here, you know.”
“Poor Barret. If it’s not Cloud putting him down, it’s Aeris subjecting him to her mad whims.”
“YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”
“Let’s hit the beach while we’re here. I know we’re short on time and all, but surely we have time for a quick dip.”
“Also, Rufus and his homies are about to disembark, so we might want to get a move on.”
“Good point. I don’t want to hear Heidegger go ‘GYAH HAA HAA’ again.”
“Uh… right.”
“Well… except for one person.”
“GYAH HAA uh oh.”
“GYAH boo hoo.”
“RESULTS!”
“Your comment about your tail is the part that makes the most sense, and that makes me sad.”
“If we fight, does that mean we’re bored?”
“I’m bored unless I get to blow something up.”
“I’m too cool to be bored. But I’m cool because I am bored all the time.”
“Soft? Is that… like, the Anti-Viagra?”
“It’s like when you’re done with the Viagra and just want the effect to wear off. Just pop a soft.”
“Just pop a soft. That might be the weirdest thing you’ve ever said.”
“I’m too cool to be weird.”
“Uh… you’re wearing your sailor outfit, aren’t you?”
“I plead the fifth.”
“Right, well… I’ll be outside. If you need me, I won’t be there.”
“Yes, Hojo. On a beach, surrounded by bikini-clad women. This doesn’t strike you as massively weird?”
“Yeah. He’s wearing his lab coat. But don’t get me wrong….”
“I worry where this is going.”
“…I’m happy he’s not wearing just a pair of swimming trunks.”
“…of course.”
“Oh my gooood, that’s like so totally weird, girlfrieeeeend!”
“Wow, these girls really piss you off, huh, Tifa?”
“I can’t help it. It’s the whole ‘braindead valley girl’ thing.”
“So says the girl who has a dream about being a damsel and having someone coming to rescue them.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“It’s still really weird hearing that from you. And why the lab coat?”
“The world is clearly not ready for this much sexiness. The trunks will have to wait.”
“Well, clearly.”
“I don’t even know where to start. ‘After the same goal’ my foot! You don’t get to pick one thing we’re both working on and then say we are after the same goal, Mr. ‘I want to breed Aeris and Red 13’.”
“My bad. I thought you were smart, but you have no vision.”
“Can I kick him in the head now?”
“Tempting, but I don’t want him to get any crazier than this. Who knows what he’ll try to mate when he’s got a foot-shaped dent in his brain.”
“That’s too bad. I had planned on mating her with a cactuar.”
“Please let me hurt him now. Lots!”
“I’m finding it harder to come up with arguments of why she shouldn’t, so you might want to shut up now, Hojo.”
“It’s the first thing you’ve said that doesn’t make me want to punch you. Keep up the good work.”
“That’s not exciting at all. You have no vision.”
“Don’t push your luck.”
“We need to go, because Hojo isn’t the only one I want to punch right now.”
“I thought these girls sounded kind of smart for basically being Hojo’s ‘booth babes’ at first, but I take that back.”
“Booty babes?”
“Oh God, PTSD!”
“I think these guys are going to be noticed whether they walk around naked or not. They all exhude a certain… je ne sais GYAAA!”
“Good thing we met Hojo and his ‘babe squad’ before encountering these guys. Put some things into perspective. Still…… ugggh, the memories.”
“Now I’m curious.”
“So am I.”
“Uh… OK? I thought you were with him at the time. This was during the big crossdressing quest, right?”
“Yeah. But I didn’t enter the building. I kind of regret that, but that’s hindsight for you. Must’ve been quite hot….er, I mean… terrifying.”
“…..”
“Why are you looking at me like that?!”
“Uh… way to point out how we’re just helping ourselves to whatever we find in any chests we come across.”
“Except for the one in the chicken nest.”
“Our hero.”
“Stop that!”
“Ah, ‘fire ring’. Sounds like a good description for my butt after I ate the chilli yesterday.”
“Ew! Too much information.”
“I don’t have a problem with the weather forecast itself, but they coulda done without the smug tone.”
“I’ll make him the third name on my ‘punch-in-face to do’ list.”
“I fear it’s going to be a long list before everything is said and done.”
“Yikes! What crawled up your ass and died there?”
“Playboy? Uh… I have a hard time reconciling that part with his childhood self.”
“When we first met, he sounded so… cold and indifferent. I loved it.”
“Seriously? Man, you city girls are weird.”
“Were you saying something, Miss. ‘I Want To Be A Damsel’?”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Or what? You’re going to put me on your list?”
“Maybe not, but you better pray you never get hit with sleep or confusion.”
“You must be happy to see how the ladies are fighting over you.”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“OK, now I’m just lost.”
“Well, I have absolutely no idea what’s going on, so let’s just… go.”
“I think he’s just drunk and yelling at random people for no reason.”
“The heck is that?!”
“Looks like a giant plant surrounded by a sand pit.”
“Is it like the plant version of Midgar?”
“Uh… that makes absolutely no sense.”
“If only we had a car or something, so that we could pass over these shallows. But now we have to take the long way around.”
“What… did we just fight.”
“The urge to kill.”
“Will you stop staring?!”
“Will you stop stretching, you huge braggart?!”
“I swear… if your old homestead really is the land of promises, I’ll make it switch my chest with yours. Then I’ll get to move a lot more freely, and you’ll get to be the target of unwanted attention and stupid, unwarranted grudges. And back aches that’ll make you want to… oh, stretch a bit after moving around a lot.”
“There are non-stupid unwarranted grudges?”
“No, but there is nitpicking, apparently.”
“Well, failing to cross the river, we instead have to head into the ‘Between The Nutsack Hills’ cave.”
“Thanks, Cloud. I really needed that image in my head.”
“Hey, have you ever seen a farm animal get castrated?!”
“PLEASE STAHP!”
“Hee hee.”
“And you’re laughing?”
“Yes. Your discomfort amuses me.”
“There’s no love.”
“Well… let’s all head in where the sun doesn’t shine.”
“Why are you… you’re all like a bunch of vultures moving in on a potential carcass. Did you know that?!”
“Um… yes, thank you for that random info dump.”
“And why are they so hung up on the black cape? Isn’t the fact that he’s carrying around an upper body without a head more noticeable?”
“Maybe he saw the eyeball nipple and blocked it out of his brain immediately as a precautionary measure.”
“His eye is twitching. That must be it, then.”
“How nice of you all to remind him of it, then.”
“Um… oops. Sorry, sir.”
“Well, off to enjoy the sun in what didn’t end up being a cave after all.”
“I’m not so sure about the color of said sun, though. Isn’t it looking kind of… green-ish?”
“YES! VERY GREEN!”
“I know green is the color of enviromentalism and all, but this seems very… unenviromental.”
“Is that even a word?”
“It is now!”
“I don’t think that’s how it works.”
“It does now!”
“Uh….”
“Well, the sun is orange again.”
“The world is saved! Yay!”
“That tower is kind of ill boding, though.”
“It’s got Shinra written all over it. Well… except literally.”
“Um… isn’t Ifrit a bit of an overkill here? I mean… we just defeated one of them with a regular attack.”
“I just wanted to try it out. You got your pretty summon in Shiva, so now I want to see some hot dude summons. That’s only fair, right?”
“Well… I guess he is. Literally.”
“Boo! I feel cheated.”
“And burned?”
“Stop that!”
“Cokatolis? It’s a cockatrice!”
“Once! Twice! Three times a….”
“DON’T YOU EVEN FINISH THAT SENTENCE!”
“Oof! Green is my favorite color, but this is a bit much.”
“Santa has modernized since last we were here.”
“Santa replaced all his reindeers with trains? That cad!”
“Aeris, fighter for deer rights.”
“I thought y’all were against slavery as a practice.”
“Well, at least the reindeer get 364 days off, unlike the elves in Santa’s workshop.”
“Maybe Santa is in league with Willy Wonka when it comes to labor management.”
“I’m a little bit envious of your ability to amuse yourselves on long treks.”
“…ok, lesson learned: do not punch the bomb creatures.”
“They look like they’re ready to explode.”
“I recommend anger management classes.”
“I’d be mad too if my head was on fire.”
“Ergh!”
“Fine! I get it! You may stretch your back.”
“Why thank you, your majesty.”
“You’re still just doing it to brag, though.”
“Don’t look. Just let them finish their argument. Just… don’t pay them any mind.”
“So…. it has come to this, huh? We’re walking on top of a goddamned rollercoaster, and there are machine guns in a chest on top of the tracks of said rollercoaster.”
“I think it’s safe to say that this is the reason why it’s been shut down.”
“Was this chest right next to one with a bomb in it? Because the way that track is torn up sort of makes it look like it.”
“There’s gonna be a signpost at the end of this rollercoaster, isn’t there? One saying ‘You Risk Your Life’ on it, huh?”
“What do you mean ‘wha? oh, it’s you’? We’ve been travelling together all this time.”
“And if you know there’s a lever at the other end, why didn’t you just run there to activate it, Mr. ‘Land Speed of 50 Miles Per Hour Because I Have Four Legs To Run With’?”
“Are we sticking together, or aren’t we? Make up your mind.”
“Wha? Oh, it’s you? Well, what did you find out?”
“Smartypants.”
“This better not be innuendo on your part.”
“Why did we all have to go in at the same time?”
“Stop that!”
“OK, the bridge over there lowered, because we totally couldn’t just jump down from the track we travelled on to get here.”
“The labyrinth demands its dues.”
“Even if it’s a lame, low-stakes labyrinth.”
“Look, ma. I can climb, too.”
“And pretty soon, we can do the ‘top of the world’ thing.”
“Uh… yeah, it is, but we really should leave. Now!”
“But whyyy?! It’s cute.”
“Yes!! …it’s cute.”
“Forget admirable. We need to leave before chicken mommy sees us. If she’s not roosting the eggs, that means daddy bird is most likely dead, and mommy bird is the one who has to go out to find food, and if she finds three strangers skulking around her nest when she returns, well…. let’s just say I don’t relish the idea of having to end mommy and leave two children to starve to death. So yeah, let’s go now, before I start wondering how you could reference to this moment earlier today while we were still in Costa Del Sol.”
“Because you’re poor at keeping track of your own story?”
“Oh, quiet you!”
“OK, setting aside the tracks that lead nowhere, why are there train tracks over a hanging rope bridge? This thing is supposed to support the weight of a goddamned train?!”
“Hooray for warm welcomes. And you don’t think it’s because you expect too much of your bridges? Unless, of course, Barret was the one who made them, but somehow I doubt that. He’s fonder of blowing stuff up rather than building anything. Unless, again, that was the problem.”
“Uh… no, that’s… that’s not it.”
“But you do like blowing stuff up.”
“Well, yeah, I do that now, but….”
“The hell do you mean ‘that techno-freak’? Technology is awesome when not misused by insane maniacs for the sake of profit and/or power.”
“What do you mean ‘it’s all your fault’, Barret? How?”
“I’ll explain later. Just not here.”
“Gold Saucer. Sounds like a fun place.”
“It’s kind of tacky.”
“I’m honestly puzzled why anyone would want to live here, though. This place is even more dreary and depressing than Midgar, and that’s really saying something.”
“Well, we can’t all have Aerises planting their flowers in dilapidated churches and selling them to random shouty soldiers who run past them.”
“You weren’t really all that shouty, though. Just unnervingly calm about the whole thing, which is SEXAY!!!”
“Oh, come ON! Jeez, OK, is there no end to all the ways one might notice a weirdo in a black cape with a numerical tattoo on them? Sure, it’s all the rage nowadays to be a crazy, rambling, insane puppet to some strange mental condition. You would not see me do that in a million years!”
“How to play ‘How Am I Supposed to Continue Living In a Town That Lost Everything’? That doesn’t sound like a very exciting game, sir. Your idea of fun sucks, and your little girl is ashamed of you.”
“Yikes! You put away the kiddy gloves when it comes to children’s games, don’t you?”
“Oh. Well… uh…”
“Let’s… just… go to where we need to be next.”
“But we haven’t played with the little girl yet.”
“Yeah, Barret. That blame train was a little bit too hard to ignore.”
“HOW?! And please don’t tell me it’s because everyone else says so. Because boy howdy will I have a lot of things to say about your old stomping grounds if they just used you as a scapegoat and hate sink. And understand this: I don’t exactly hold you in the greatest respect, especially as an Avalance member, but that thing that just happened was just vile.”
“Oh, shad… uh, thanks. Or shut up. I feel conflicted right now.”
“Ah, a coal town.”
“…..”
“Wait, what?!”
“Wow, you said you were conflicted just now, but… you are fighting to save the planet, yet you used to be a part of a coal town? You know… coal, one of the most enviromentally damaging things to use for energy production or just in general? That kind of coal?”
“Well… yeah.”
“OK. I just… wanted to make sure we were on the same level here. I mean… nobody using coal today isn’t as much a ‘sign of the times’ as a sign that we aren’t completely mad anymore. And don’t get me wrong: what Shinra is doing isn’t much better, but still…”
“That’s what she said… uh, no innuendo intended. But really, it was a ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ situation of the worst kind.”
“I remember her. Crazy lady at the meeting we overheard. All too used to telling people what they want to hear so they’ll do what she wants, consequences be damned.”
“I really had to fight the urge to just drop down and slap her in her bitch face.”
“So…. was Dyne the acting chief of the village or something? Because it almost sounded like it was him against everyone else, even if everyone else was kind of apprehensive about the whole thing, to say the least.”
“I hope y’all forgive me if I don’t remember too well what happened, because it was the most depressing meeting I had ever attended, and the only thing I really remember clearly was that I still had both my hands.”
“We used to joke that to deal with Shinra, you had to adopt the ‘be afraid, be very afraid’ stance, because you were only with Shinra for as long as you were massively profitable to them. If not, they’d just cut you loose and leave you to die in a ditch somewhere.”
“An’ if you were wondering whether Corel got screwed over, well… you saw what we just passed through.”
“…….”
“So, it was a terrorist attack? With you being there, I’m guessing it’s a bit pre-Avalance.”
“And I suppose there was no reason to prove the Corel peoples had anything to do with that? They lived the closest and were now financially dependant on said mako reactor, so of course they had to want to screw themselves over, because that’s how it goes, I guess?”
“They dropped a whole giant suburb plate onto the slums just for kicks. I don’t really think ‘finding the guilty party’ is high on Shinra’s list of priorities. Especially now that Rufus has taken over.”
“Well, most of which were delivered as long as we were willing to ignore the long-term damages done by leeching mako directly, but hey… at least you didn’t have to use coal and suffer more immediate diseases, right?”
“……”
“Wow, this is depressing. I think we need a change of scenery.”
“Well, let’s hop into this weird propeller-driven gondola wagon and head for fortune and glory.”
“Sure, whatever.”
“Whoa! This thing goes above the goddamned clouds. Er… no pun intended.”
“Hey, nobody’s gonna be above me!”
“Glad to see you’re not above cracking a joke about your name, though. But yikes, we’re heading straight for….”
“Heading straight into the unknown can be an exciting thing, and never more than when you leave the world of crushing poverty behind and head into the world of glitz and glam.”
“Welp… I’m blind.”
“My vision will probably need some time to recover from this unholy assault.”
“Somehow, it’s my fault that our coal emporium went out with a bang and merciless corporate oppression, and you thought this is just what I needed?”
“I… plead the fifth.”