Chapter 8: Infiltration Troll and the Shipping Notice.
“Well… ‘run down’ wasn’t the first thought that came to mind when we arrived here.”
“More like gunned down.”
“Hmph! They wouldn’t know quality gun even if one shot them in the ass.”
“OK, that’s enough outta you.”
“Funny you should say that, but… what’s the price of the big gun outside?”
“45000000gil. The shipping comes to 600000 gil as well. Some assembly may be required.”
“Well… forget that, then.”
“I gotta get some sponsorship deals going. That thing would look sweet on my arm.”
“I’m not sure that would be a good selling point, though.”
“Well, since we’re here: MYTHRIL ARMLETS FOR EVERYONE!”
“It’s the great equalizer.”
“Potions, Phoenix Down, Grenades and Tents. What a combination.”
“War, the great polluter.”
“They shot all the fish, didn’t they?”
“The greatest terror of the front lines: hungry and bored soldiers with nothing to do.”
“Well, there’s a fish.”
“Quick! Shoot it immediately.”
“……”
“Barret!”
“What?!”
“You’re just trying to trick me so you can shoot my fish. It’s the oldest trick in the book, and I’m not falling for it.”
“No, really.”
“I just told you no. You stay away from my fish.”
“Uh… not that it matters, but a dolphin is actually a mammal.”
“I just want to shoot something, so that works too.”
“You are so not helping.”
“She shoulda listened when we said to look behind.”
“Yeah, because that’s what I woulda done if a madman with a gun for a hand showed up and wanted to shoot my pet. I mean, duh!”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“Well, we don’t have time for this nonsense, so let’s fight nonsense with nonsense.”
“And we’re all out of kitchen sinks.”
“Uh… who are you, and where the hell did you pop out from? And sure, just command me to do CPR to her right out of the blue, why don’t you?”
“What the… why are all three of you expecting me to do that? You even know how to do it, old man, so why aren’t you already?”
“It’s gotta be Cloud.”
“That makes no sense.”
“You’re the only one who can do it.”
“No, I’m not. The old guy is even going to show me how to. Because when life is actually threatened, that’s when we have to run through some lessons, right?”
“What kind of evil presence is turning my life-and-death situation into a quicktime event?”
“Hey, don’t look at me. I wanted no part in it. Blame the girls and your very weird grandpa.”
“Oh, phooey, you’re no fun at all.”
“These are the people I travel with. Well… the cat is alright so far, but…”
“Are you implying anything, sucka?!”
“I know I said I didn’t care what you called me, but… ‘the cat’?! Can you be any more detached about my presence here?”
“Well… most of the day has passed, but sure…. she was subjected to having a total stranger being tricked into performing CPR on her for their own amusement.”
“Hey, that’s uncalled for.”
“We… we totally didn’t try to embarrass you or anything.”
“Well, we did save her dolphin from… whatever the hell that thing was.”
“It looked like some kind of bird before we Death Mog’d it to oblivion. After that, it looked like… um, the weirdest throw rug ever.”
“And the most disgusting one.”
“But seriously, let me sleep already.”
“And dream of CPR lessions.”
“Leave me out of your weird fantasies.”
“It’s been so long since I’ve had a conversation with the voice inside my head.”
“Oh, so we’ve already forgotten about our little sojourn into the &$#% Room, have we?”
“Nope! I have no idea what you’re talking about. Not at all.”
“Come on, Bubby. No need to be so uptight. It’s all in good fun around here.”
“Geh! No! No. No no no, that is not a headspace I want to return to.”
“But you do not know the fun that you missed.”
“Oh, the poiks and squishes we could have had.”
“AhehEHEhEH!”
“Do you not want to see us again, young man?”
“I’d… rather not.”
“I’D LIKE TO!”
“But more importantly, what would you ‘rather not’, if you don’t mind me asking.”
“I do mind.”
“Um… OK? Why?”
“Well… you remember when we rescued you at the Don’s?”
“I’d… rather not.”
“Exactly. But more importantly, crossdressing wasn’t the worst thing I was made to endure that day.”
“Uh… let’s just go check on Priscilla.”
“Well, better than being inside and dwelling on the really weird parts of my past, I guess. My close past in the den of debauchery.”
“Yeah, the don’s mansion was a pretty awful place.”
“I wasn’t talking about the don’s mansion.”
“Uh… OK.”
“Yeah, it’s not like the town is a giant cannon or anything.”
“I doubt firing the gun is going to make it sound like an orchestra, though.”
“Anyway, let’s check in on Priscilla.”
“Yeah! She might need some more CPR.”
“Then why don’t you tell her that. I’m sure she’d love to hear that coming from you.”
“I’m not that crazy.”
“Uh… you don’t have to do that.”
“Ohoho, this is turning out much better than I thought.”
“….oh.”
“You were saying.”
“Well, I was hoping for something a bit more… steamy.”
“And we got a Shiva materia too. If that’s not the opposite of hot — erm… at least literally — then I don’t know what is.”
“They must pay.”
“I have so much… respect… to hand out. If I only still had my hand.”
“No, I wasn’t allowed to.”
“Allowed to?”
“Yeah, because that’s how it works.”
“I… don’t understand.”
“Neither do I.”
“Why? Is your dolphin electric proof?”
“No, I meant… you guys and your sharp cutlery. Your hair alone would probably cut through that underwater wire.”
“Also, I know I’m a mercenary and all, but wow, you guys.”
“I’d probably just blow it up by accident.”
“I’m a huge cat.”
“I have a huge chest.”
“I have… wait, what’s that got to do with anything?”
“You guys are weird.”
“Don’t group me in with any of them. Please.”
“Are you just upset that Priscilla gave you all nasty looks when you foisted the dangerous part on me? Again?”
“Such a jerk.”
“I know, right?”
“Oh, you brought that on yourselves. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a dolphin jump to make.”
“Such a jerk.”
“I knoooooow.”
“That’s our little slave driver.”
“….OK, that’s too far for me. I don’t want to be that huge a jerk.”
“Well, this is fun and all, but… here, Cloud. Take it.”
“We don’t even have a waterproof PHS? What kind of cheapass gadgets are you buying, Barret?”
“I would’ve been able to afford a waterproof one, but someone made himself very expensive to hire in our last mission.”
“Well, you get what you pay for. Anyway, jump now, budget later.”
“Hmm. Took a few tries, but here I am, climbing my way up this giant… thing. And not looking down.”
“Oh, nice. I have to steal this for myself later. Airships are boss!”
“Where! Where! Take me to the President. He will give me tee pee.”
“What are you on, boy?! Anyway, get changed. We got parades to do.”
“Was it when Sephiroth turned out to be a complete nutter? Just thinking about it makes me feel all dark and cynical and stuff.”
“The quality of recruits are kind of terrible these days. No matter how good they might look in a uniform.”
“Uh… that’s good and all, but what’s with these lyrics? We are Shinra Company? The New President? That’s like… 80% of a sentence.”
“It’s… a work in progress.”
“No kidding. Could use some more self-awareness, though. Or less narcissism.”
“Tell me about it.”
“We do not speak loudly about it, though.”
“Raise the flag and aim that cannon high. It’s time to step in line and make our enemies die.”
“Ooh, good one.”
“Yeah, it’s not like I just farted the first thing out of my cakehole that sprang to mind.”
“Hmmm. Do well in this parade and blend in better…. or do really, really badly and make Shinra look bad. What should I do?”
“Oooh, can you feel that burn? I got them so upset, they want to blow me up. I FEED ON YOUR HATRED! IT IS MY SUSTENANCE!”
“But I live for my laugh.”
“Your laugh is ‘gya haa haa’. I’m going to record you laughing and then I’m going to force you to listen to it for an entire day non-stop, and given how you know nobody ever likes hearing a recording of themselves… well…”
“I… see your point.”
“Ooh, no break for me. See if I care.”
“And you shall swab the deck from sunup to sundown. And from sundown to sunup.”
“Whoa. Easy now, Captain Yellowbeard.”
“And if you don’t stop being a smartass on me, I’ll knee you in the groin so hard you will be all ‘stagger stagger’ for the entire treasure hunt.”
“Ooh, good one. I salute you, sir.”
“Thank you. Now, get to work.”
“Stab in the eye? No, that’s not going to work in a parade. Hmm. Groin attack? Nah, that was Captain Yellowbeard’s move. Man, these two idiots’ excitement for sending someone off is throwing me off. How about I just spin the rifle for no reason, and in a way that is blatantly irresponsible?”
“ATTENTION! LOOK THAT WAY! IGNORE ME! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!”
“Your guess is as good as mine, sir. Nobody woke me up either. I had to set the clock all on my own.”
“Hell are you on, boy?!”
“1/35 soldier? Am I finding the remains from a brutal serial killer murder or something? Is this a finger? A toe? Or… well, I’ve found two of these, so now I have 2/35 Soldier. If I collect all 35 parts, will I have one soldier? What good does that do?”
“Uh… ‘luck source‘. I don’t think that’s how luck works. At least ‘power source’ makes sense. If I consume the luck source, does that mean I can win games of chance more easily?”
“And now my source collection is complete. I shall be a student of all stats, master of none. Or however that works.”
“Gah! Did I say that out loud? I need to stop talking to myself.”
“Oh, come on! We didn’t beat you up that hard.”
“I meant that we’re drunk. What are you on about?”
“Uh… nothing. Although I do like how nothing is sacred in this world. You can be drunk, you can crossdress and like it — well, I didn’t, but that’s beside the point — and you can enter weird clubs and live out your strangest fantasies and still go back to your day job after that.”
“I didn’t ask. And now I am afraid to.”
“You guys liked me screwing up the parade?”
“Sure did. I take pride in my work, but man, could that parade get any more self-gratifying and narcissistic or what?”
“I know, right?”
“And now: schadenfreude. Eat it, Shinra scum. Oh, if only Barret was here to see this.”
“…….”
“I’m so going to rub it in with him later.”
“Guh! I got so caught up in this, I forgot to screw it up. I’m never going to live this down. Which means Barret must never know of my shame.”
“Erm… I got a bonus for doing a good job? I thought Rufus was all about ‘ruling through fear’, but now he’s rewarding… uh… his displays of his ego?”
“What is he mumbling about?”
“Uh… nothing, sir. He’s just going ‘gya haa haa’ in appreciation.”
“I am not!”
“Well, good. Anyway, enjoy your new weapon. Spread fear and terror with it, for the good of Shinra.”
“OK, now it makes sense.”
“Hmm. Looks like a bit of subterfuge might be in order. Good thing I already got my disguise. Now to get some for the others.”
“Um… but… that’s how I got here.”
“No, I meant straight for the boat, which was on the water.”
“Well… I had fun up here anyway, so I don’t really care. In fact, you guys were the ones missing out.”
“I’ll… take your word for it.”
“I know we should feel guilty about that, but hey….”
“Hm. This is a pretty languid boat ride. At least I don’t have to worry about getting seasick. Or a speeding ticket.”
“I wonder if people are as lucky as we are with boat trips.”
“About that….”
“ARE YOU COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY MAD?!”
“Yarrr! Yes, I be mad Captain Sharkbite, and ye all be passengers on this ride to hell.”
“WE JUST WANTED TO GET ACROSS IN ONE PIECE!”
“Well… not everyone has luck sources in reserve, I guess….”
“We’re totally stealing that for ourselves later on.”
“You totally read my mind.”
“….uh, this better not be innuendo on your end, because I’m certainly not going to call my penis ‘a Shinra Weapon’.”
“I wasn’t, but now that you mention it….”
“War kills. Though I’d hardly call Sephiroth’s actions a war. Mindless murder, sure.”
“Trust Cloud to be all pedantic about this. You are going to be a real hit with the ladies when you grow up.”
“I’m already grown up, though.”
“That’s good, but Shinra soldiers don’t go ‘hee hee’. Well… not often anyway. Maybe during today’s parade. I goddamned killed that one.”
“I’d have killed to see that.”
“Interesting choice of words there.”
“You’re… already pretty brown, though. Are you planning on taking your tan all the way to ‘black’?”
“Well, aside from your long tail and your wobbly walk, you’d totally pass for a human.”
“I’m just pretending to be poor with sea voyages. There’s always one on every boat, right?”
“Uh… sure, let’s go with that.”
“You sayin’ I ain’t got no pep and umph? Them’s fighting words, fool!”
“That’s more like it, boyo.”
“….now I don’t care anymore.”
“That’s not good. Ya gotta have pep. And umph. And both.”
“Leave me alone, you collossal weirdo.”
“Urgh! Don’t remind me. I am honestly scared out of my mind over what he might be up to.”
“Well, you go and put your mind to rest, SOLDIER boi.”
“With Barret carrying the biggest grudges of them all, what lengths will he go to in his attempts to get revenge for his group, Avalance, and all the other things Shinra has done?”
“….I want to go home now. Even if my town was burned down to the ground. Even if everyone is dead. I want to go home rather than face Barret in that unbelievably godawful outfit even one more time. Good lord, he does not make that uniform work, like.. at all. Even the Village people would be all ‘Are you kidding? Or blind?’ if they saw this.”
“The hell are you mumblin’ about, boy?!”
“Nothing. I’ll… I’ll be over here, filling my eyes with saltwater.”