Chapter 7: Buying the Chocobo Farm.
“Given the special stab wound that could only come from a sword only one person is able to wield, I’d say that’s a given.”
“Cloud!”
“That, and he was the only one to go down here. Case closed, I’d say.”
“CLOUD?!”
“What?!”
“Rude.”
“….what?!”
“I hate them so much, I can wield this damn sword myself.”
“But you can’t. Only one person can wield this. Because it said so.”
“Well, I’ll show them all!”
“I know you’re sitting in a magical tank and I took that pretty normally earlier, but now I’ve read a whole bunch of books. That can drive anyone insane. Do you hear me, mother? I AM NOT INSANE!”
“I… didn’t… expect you… to actually… show me.”
“What can I say. I’m helpful like that.”
“I don’t think you know what ‘helpful’ really means.”
“Yes, well… traffic was killer today. Sorry for being late.”
“You know… you know just what to say.”
“Am I interrupting something, Mr. Oedipus?”
“They called me crazy? Well, I’l show them.”
“Show them how crazy you are?”
“Well, yes. I mean… no. I mean yes. I mean… moooommyyyyyy.”
“….I’ll be back in five.”
“Wait, don’t gooohoohoooooo.”
“Please let me die.”
“But mommy, we’re going to take over the world. Or blow it up. I haven’t decided yet.”
“Was this back when that thing had a head?”
“Uh… yes, but that’s not the problem.”
“I’d call ‘lack of head’ a pretty serious problem.”
“Really? Doesn’t seem to have inconvenienced you all that much so far.”
“That’s ri-…HEY!”
“Were you both really talking like a bunch of cult leaders?”
“Hey, don’t lump me in with that guy.”
“Yeah, it’s not like you dreamed about being like the guy or anything.”
“That did not include suddenly turning into a complete megalomaniac, though. Or Oedipus.”
“See?”
“Don’t you look all smug and stuff. This is just your version of the story anyway. Would be hilarious if your past wasn’t like that at all.”
“Pfft, I’ll have you know that I have a photographic memory.”
“What? You want more stuff to complain about?”
“Yes. I mean… no. I mean… that’s not it.”
“Busted.”
“…interesting choice of words there, Tifa.”
“Why are you staring at my… uh, at me?”
“I mean… they just wrote that it was Avalance’s fault that the plate got dropped over the slums, right?”
“Well, fair enough. I just sort of expected Cloud to be all ‘I coulda taken him out. I just had a crick in my neck that day’ or something.”
“Says the guy who takes great joy in bullying subway commuters.”
“For being the gender with uncomfortably tender and vulnerable groin areas, they sure delight in doling out the low blows, don’t they?”
“Uh… Sephiroth took it, remember? After stabbing the living daylights out of the President. That’s the part that does make sense.”
“….”
“Well… relatively speaking.”
“You’ve never made any sense before, man. Why would you expect me to suddenly make sense to you?”
“Well, he basically said he’d destroy it all, so yes, we’re all screwed. How austere of you.”
“Yeah, why don’t you just shove that dictionary up where the sun doesn’t shine, SOLDIER boy?!”
“They’re… friends, right?”
“Not as much, no.”
“What?! Why would you.. who’s not making any sense now?”
“Well, you know what they say. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.”
“OK, never mind. I don’t want to know.”
“Ah, kitty sarcasm. I missed that.”
“It’s a natural state.”
“Finally a rational explanation for all of the exploding we’ve done lately, outside of the whole ‘IT’S TO SAVE THE WORLD’ thing.”
“Well, there was the amazing sight of Midgar in all its gloomy glory, as seen from the outside. That’s the sort of thing that belongs on a tourist pamphlet.”
“Midgar — we suck the life right out of you.”
“Tired of life? Then come to Midgar and find the best reason to end it all.”
“Midgar, the future to destroy all futures.”
“Why the heck did we even stay there for so long?”
“Because there is a lot of stuff to blow up there?”
“And in the least subtle way ever, too.”
“Wasn’t SOLDIER either. The Turks, working directly under the President, made that call.”
“I wonder if we’re going to hear that a lot.”
“Did he carry a headless upper body too?”
“With an eyeball for a nipple?”
“And now he’s completely weirded out. Nice work.”
“Wide open spaces. A farm in the distance. How quaint.”
“T-rex footprints on the ground.”
“Yes, T-re-…wait, what?!”
“Pretty sure those are chocobo footprints, though.”
“Sssh. Don’t ruin my fun.”
“And speaking of fun.”
“GAH!”
“What the hell is a ‘Levrikon’?!”
“Well, minor distraction aside; here we are, warking it up with the local populace.”
“It’s a lot of hard wark.”
“Wark ant we all just get along?”
“…….”
“You need more practice.”
“Uh… that’s a cute gift.”
“Just don’t think too hard about where it came from.”
“BARRET!”
“It’s red too. Just… just… ew.”
“Can I hurt him now?”
“Get in line.”
“Do tell. Now… how did that Midgar Zolom end up there, I wonder?”
“Ah, the basics of business. Create a need. Then fulfill it.”
“….well, of course.”
“OK, this does sound somewhat suspect. ‘To avoid gruesome snake death, get a chocobo from the only chocobo farm in existence’.”
“Well… that leaves us with two options. One, Sephiroth killed the snake and therefore we have nothing to worry about. Or two, said snake had a mate, who is probably super pissed now.”
“….let’s go hire us a chocobo.”
“You’re not very good at being a shopkeeper, are you?”
“Well, that’s because we’re not a store! But if you’re dead set on buying something from us….”
“Well, that begs the question why a chocobo would want to hang out with monsters, but who am I to argue against mechanics. There’s gotta be a catch to this… uh, no pun intended.”
“And there’s the catch.”
“Well, you don’t want to suffer horrible snake-related death, right? Or….. you could always go back to Midgar if you don’t want to pony up the dough.”
“Urgh! This kid is a fiend. He uses the darkest, dreariest city of all time as a selling point… and it’s super effective.”
“If Shinra ever finds out, they’ll be demanding royalties.”
“And here comes the guilt trip.”
“So says the girl playing all defenseless in the city, selling her flowers with the biggest ‘oh woe is me’ game face.”
“Hey, it worked, so shut up!”
“Pfft. ‘Always appears with other monsters’ my foot. I even walked on the T-rex tracks.”
“And why are we fighting squirrels in… ground pits? What’s up with that? Are they going to throw their nuts at us?”
“Well, since there are no Chocobo here, let’s give this materia we got from one of them a go.”
“AND I HAVE SUMMONED… uh, a…. Chocobo?”
“Well, this is already getting silly.”
“……”
“….uh…”
“I… don’t think I’ll be using this one again.”
“Then again, we are now fighting what pretty much amounts to ‘weird leek monsters’.”
“Fight silly with silly, huh?”
“I just want this to be over with already. Besides, these guys aren’t even marketable.”
“YES! A Chocobo!”
“Between… uh… two blue wild boar elephants.”
“Quick! Toss out the greens so we can get that Chocobo already.”
“Let’s beat those elephant things black and… uh… purple.”
“That… oof… that takes care of that.”
“Looks like clouds are gathering… uh, no offense, Cloud. But yes, we should probably get a move on.”
“Oh, don’t pretend that you aren’t looking.”
“HAH! I knew it. You are doing that on purpose. To brag.”
“Ergh!”
“You’re so busted. Uh… no pun intended.”
*sigh*
“It’s common knowledge that the first lesson you learn on Chocoboback is ‘how to get off’.”
“Those were simpler times. More innocent times.”
“Yep. Well, time to head into the dank moist caves.”
“Let’s not make this weird or anything.”
“Indy would be proud.”
“Or at least mightily relieved.”
“Do what? Walk into caves?”
“And without spouting weird innuendo.”
“Yeah, with ol’ Sephy, it’d probably turn into a long string of ‘yo mama’ jokes instead.”
“We’re fighting castanets? How? With song and dance?”
“Do we even have a dancer class?”
“We have no class at all. In more than one way.”
“And what the hell is a Madouge?”
“You’re Rude, right?”
“Uh… yes and no.”
“Well, are you Rude or are you not?”
“Why do I feel like this is going to turn into a joke on me if I let it escalate?”
“What’s the name of that spell you cast?”
“What?!”
“Thought so.”
“Well, you also drop giant foundation plates on poor neighborhoods that have nothing to do with Avalance, just to further your political agenda.”
“That’s a very negative way to put it, but yes.”
“Um… sir.”
“Yes, explain, Elena. I would love to hear how you plan on excusing this.”
“Way to put me on the spot, guys.”
“No, we’re not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, we’re not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Um… this isn’t a competition.”
“Yes, it is!”
“Don’t gang up on me over this!”
“Just taking mental notes, sir.”
“OK, but do so silently.”
“Is this one of those ‘women should be seen, not heard’ things? Shame on you!”
“No, that’s not… *sigh* ”
“This is the weirdest conversation I’ve ever had.”
“Well, at least until Reno wants to show us his affection.”
“Someone ought to tell Shinra that ‘affection’ and ‘weapons’ shouldn’t be used in the same sentence, ever.”
“OK, ‘elixir’ I kind of understand, but ‘mind source’? Who in their right… uh, mind… would trust an item with that name?”
“Well, I have a mind to try it.”
“I don’t mind giving it a go either.”
“You’re just trolling me now, aren’t you?”
“We have found the tent box.”
“Now we can all tent for the night.”
“You’ll really run the joke out to this extent?”
“Tentatively, yes.”
“Yikes!”
“We exit the cave, and BAM! Giant bird on… what is that anyway? A tower? A giant blender?”
“Ah. Maybe it lays its eggs right into the blender. BOOM! Instant… uh… egg in a blender?”
“How fluffy.”
“Indeed.”
“What are you looking at?”
“Hell Rider? It’s a guy using an animal as a surf board.”
“Duuuuuuude!”
“We really should get the appropriate soundtrack for this. Anyone got some Beach Boys on their playlist?”
“Well… that’s that. Oof, glad that is over.”
“Grrrgh. Stupid voluptious kung fu girl. She’s doing that on purpose, I swear. Why don’t she just wear a bikini top with flame patterns while she’s at it? Or a sports bra.”
“Hey, that’s a great idea.”
“What is it with these mobs telling us about that fish they caught once?”
“They all want to bring down the house.”
“It’s a dual wield mike drop.”
“Um… no, that’s race cars. It has nothing to do with jet fighters, biological or otherwise.”
“Hmm. Racing. I wonder if we’ll get to do that at any point, inbetween all this Sephiroth hunting and whatever might come from that.”
“We’re really doing this?”
“Yeah, I just have to see what this giant blender looks like on the inside.”
“Boy, doesn’t that sound like famous last words or something.”
“Along with ‘hey, what does this button do?'”
“Can we please not take that train of thought any further? I’m feeling queasy enough about this as it is.”
“A rope up. We’re already off to a wonderful start.”
“If it drops down a bit and you hear whirring from above… RUN!”
“That’s a weird train of logic, but you are correct.”
“And what would you have done if we had been from Shinra?”
“I guess that’s when the giant blender is put to use.”
“STOPPIT!”
“It’s a crying shame, this anti-condor-on-top-of-reactor attitude we see today.”
“Yes, what sad times, when ruffians look down at will upon Condors on reactors.”
“There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred, not even giant birds on giant blenders.”
“You guys are not taking this very seriously, are you?”
“Guilty as charged.”
“And I’m not a guy!”
“Well, excuuuuuuuse me, Princess.”
“I can feel a guilt trip coming on.”
“I like how it was coupled with ‘special materia’, as if they’re covering all the bases to make sure we’d be interested in doing this.”
“It’s a giant blender filled with salesmen.”
“…….”
“Where’s the ‘on’ switch.”
“Welp….!”
“Of course they want funds.”
“It’s like a combination of salesmen and humanitarian movements.”
“That’s a depressing thought.”
“And feel free to use their beds, they say. I’m not sure I’m keen on the idea of sleeping in a bed that just anyone can use.”
“Oh, come on! I’m sure they get washed and stuff.”
“Do you see any housekeeping staff here?”
“….let’s just sneak out quietly before they start up the blender.”
“This place is going to make me feel like a complete jerk, isn’t it?”
“Well, they are at least not going to let you say ‘uh… no’ without a fight.”
“And it’s gonna be a fight they aren’t going to take part in because they’re broke and stuff.”
“What else do they want us to do.”
“It appears the answer is ‘everything’.”
“Stupid spectator limitations.”
“Will our heroes step up to the plate? Will they do what’s right at great personal (and literal) cost? Are they the philantrophists of the new century?”
“Well, they didn’t have to get so upset just because we didn’t want to give them free access to our funds. We’re not THAT rich.”
“At least they didn’t start the giant blender.”
“That’s… something.”
“But more importantly; check out this town? Overcompensating much?”
“I dub thee ‘Penisylvania’.”
“That’s a state, not a city.”
“The state of a penis is a fickle one.”
“Whatever you say.”