Chapter 6: An Old Flame of the Worst Kind.
“Oh yeah, this bike is truly rockin’. OK, peoples… FOLLOW ME!”
“Boo! I wanted to ride that bike too.”
“Me too.”
“Well, never mind the guy who thinks he’s too cool for us regular types, and welcome to the truck, ladies. Uh… and cat.”
“Why couldn’t I drive?”
“You mean you can?”
“I do have a driver’s license.”
“I… find that a bit hard to believe.”
“Looks like we got some enemies on our tail.”
“OH! PROTECT US, BAD BOY!”
“What? But how can I drive in front while protecting you helpless damsels who totally don’t know how to fight with fists or magic?”
“With a pipe, duh! Just whack them over the head while driving close.”
“Yeah, road rage, baby!”
“You’re… uh… you’re getting into this in a far iffier way than I am.”
“Well, they’re Shinra. Hanging’s too good for them. Burning’s too good for them! They should be torn into little bitsy pieces and buried alive!”
“Yikes!”
“Me too. I mean… I have no love for them or anything, but them leaving me alone would’ve been enough for me.”
“Yeah, it’s not like they are planning to exploit your homeland for energy or anything.”
“……”
“HANGING IS TOO GOOD FOR THEM! BURNING…”
“There we go. Now we’re on the same page.”
“You worry me sometimes.”
“Well, I guess it’s Whacking Day here at Midgar. Time to hit some metaphorical snakes. I mean… it’s not like I can let them kill or recapture us or anything. Hojo will just want to experiment on us, and make Aeris have sex with a big cat.”
“My hero!”
“Yes. Thanks, man. I mean… sleeping with a human. Ew!”
“….say, Cloud. Can you give Mr. Cat here a… shall we say light tap on the head, too? For me?”
“No!”
“Well… they really brought out the big car just for us, huh?”
“Hojo must really be hankering for some new animal porn.”
“OK, can we please stop talking about this? Please? It’s making me uncomfortable for more reasons than just Red13 here being a big cat.”
“Besides, we’ve got a more direct problem to deal with here.”
“Well, we’re fighting a big car. Can it get any more ridiculous than this?”
“Yes, it can. You weren’t with us in the weird part of the slums, but there are suicide houses out there. And I should have taken that as a bad omen when, right after that, I had to put on a dress and seduce Don Corneo.”
“…..right! You know what? We don’t have to go into that in more detail.”
“Well, I was going to ask you to head over and give Mukki my thanks for his rather effective wake-up call.”
*SNRK*
“Well, I’m glad someone is amused. I’m just more a bit confused myself.”
“So was I, Barret. So was I.”
“Arm attack? But we cut both its arms off.”
“And a leg.”
“But it never had any legs to stand on to begin with.”
“It be freewheelin’.”
“Well, anyway, enough with this. They’re driving with winter tires on solid asphalt? Haven’t they thought about the dust and pollution that will result from this?”
“Uh… I don’t think that’s why the tires are spiky.”
“Or hexagonal.”
“Hey, don’t knock the polygon count. This is old-school.”
“And sense just left town, too. Who’s left to take care of business now?”
“Madness?”
“Many weird things. Many mysteeeerious things.”
“Many ill-boding things.”
“Hey, don’t jinx us.”
“So… where is your hometown?”
“Hmm. Far away. We probably have to travel through a weird cave after taming some chocobos, go to a town and sneak on board a ship, and then travel through some mountains and train tracks, get caught up in the goings on of a giant casino place and then hit the desert. Cars might be involved too at some point. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
“Cars? But we just broke down one that could have been very useful.”
“Uh… oops?”
“….well, no matter.”
“But the slums are just such a lovely place.”
“Thanks. I did the best I could with what I had.”
“Uh.. that’s not what I was referring to. Then again, I have to admit that the church looked pretty nice for having a huge hole in the roof.”
“Oh, but of course!”
“But there’s nothing to blow up out here. How will you cope?”
“One step at a time, ladies. One step at a time.”
“I totally should have been the leader, though. I have more experience.”
“Must… not… be… mean.”
“Can’t say I’ve heard about you, though.”
“What?! But I’m the leader of Avalanche. You’ve heard of us, right?”
“Hmm. Only that you dropped a plate on top of the slums, but that information came from Shinra, and I’m taking their words with a pinch of salt, to put it mildly.”
“That makes me happy and sad at the same time.”
“Anyway, let’s split up.”
“Well, of course. I am the great leader, after all.”
“Hoarding all the ladies. Have you no shame?”
“And you’re saying you wouldn’t if you were selected acting officer?”
“Uh…. of course not.”
“And you have a daughter too.”
“Yeah, which means you had a wife once. You are not allowed to move on from that and ruin our romantic sensibilities.”
“And now I’m not sure what direction the sarcasm is going.”
“Oof, this place looks… how do I put this…”
“Dreary?”
“Dark and depressing?”
“The way of the future? Hah!”
“Well, now that we’re out of the danger zone, we should probably be alert. There are dangers about.”
“Uh…. like roving biker gangs with… with… are those arms?”
“Uh… just a sec. I’m just a bit stunned about how nice this place looks.”
“And how do you ‘go Cloud’ anyway? Do you walk around somewhat bowlegged because of your giant brass balls?”
“Oh, get off my back!”
“Are you sure? I could make for a good counterweight to your massive chest, you braggart! Doing back stretches after each fight and all.”
“So you did say that. And I’ll have you know this chest is quite bothersome when you’re doing martial arts.”
“Uh….”
“Now I know why Cloud padded his bra so much when I made him dress in women’s clothing against his will. And why Don Corneo picked him.”
“You wanted to be picked by Don Corneo?”
“No, but that’s beside the point.”
“You don’t have a point.”
“Erm… ‘everyone’ is waiting. As in Red and Barret are waiting.”
“Yes, I’m late because you had to start an argument about boobs. Don’t lay that on me.”
“That’s not my fault.”
“Oh, yes it is.”
“No, it’s not. It’s yours and your giant hooters’.”
*sigh* “I regret my choices.”
“You have learned to leave me at least one next time, huh?”
“I agree that splitting them up might’ve been a better choice in hindsight. Then again, maybe not. Anyway, storytime.”
“Ye-… wait, they let you join the army at 16? Uh… wow?”
“Furthermore, ‘put down any resistance’? That doesn’t sound really ominous or something.”
“They really could use a PR department.”
“Well, you heard Mr. Rufus, the new CEO. He gonna go for terror from now on. The plate was only the beginning.”
“And there’s Mr. Rate Hike and Heidegger.”
“We’re all screwed, aren’t we?”
“Anyway, continue?”
“Right, so…”
“Am I bothering you? Am I? Am I am I am I?!”
“Cloud, stop bothering the poor man. He has an unfortunate truth to face some time in the future.”
“Oh, you’re no fun.”
“I know.”
“I know. Settle down, you spaz.”
“Like a hero. Well… not really. Sheesh, it’s tough being the icon of a bunch of idiot teens whose feelings I might very well hurt in the future. Or maybe not, which is even more depressing.”
“What? Whatwhatwhatwhat?! Just as we were talking about brutal monsters? Surely not.”
*sigh*
“A dragon?! But I’m just level 1 and have 140 HP. However will I cope?”
“I feel like I’m being set up for something…. big.”
“It’s kind of weird looking back on it, seeing as stuff went down and Sephiroth is in the middle of it.”
“So you being mesmerised is the reason why you got whacked down all the time and Sephiroth had to revive you… and not you being a wuss and getting owned all the time with your 140 HP and all?”
“Well, someone isn’t sore because I took the ladies with me or anything.”
“So… who was his father anyway?”
“Dunno. Must’ve been a really handsome guy, I think, given that Sephiroth could make all the girls go all ‘Draco in Leather Pants’ on him.”
*cough*
“Well… nearly all the girls.”
“That wasn’t a question. It was a statement. And you saw it too, didn’t you?”
“No, I didn’t look. Judging by yours and Cloud’s reaction, I thought it best not to.”
“Smart choice.”
“Well, did you?”
“I did visit my mom while wishing I didn’t. As for friends…. well….”
*cough*
“Y’all catching a cold or something?”
“Uh… no, that’s not it.”
“Mmmm, I’m not sure how to feel about someone referring to their mother as ‘vibrant’. I mean… I’d love to hear that from you, but… yeah. Aeris not about them mama’s boys.”
“My mother could be… pushy. About some things.”
“So… how about them temptations?”
“I don’t know where she got that from. Not that I had much time left over from training anyway.”
“Jesus!”
“I already knew your mother was very… mothering… but wow, the things that happen between four walls.”
“I didn’t want to say it out loud, but yeah, it did give my wanting to join SOLDIER an extra push.”
“What? Are we making you uncomfortable?”
“No, but you’re not helping.”
“Me being one.”
“Hmph. He sounds like a dirty old man. Does he like big hooters too?”
“Uh… I was a kid when he started training me, so…”
“…let’s stop this conversation before it goes somewhere we might all regret.”
“…yes, let’s. Even I don’t want to go there just because of melon envy.”
“Yeah, sure I’ve moved up in the world. Jackass with the camera outside didn’t want to take a picture with a ‘nobody’ like me. Meh!”
“Uh… OK? Should I be worried?”
“No, why? But these things are very rarely good news, huh?”
“Well, I’m sure we’ll be fine. You’re here, so… all our problems will soon be solved.”
“Well, fair enough. You at least knocked, right?”
“Of course. Also, your house?”
“OK, my parents’ house. I’m just saying this because I lived there. Don’t be a nitpicker.”
“I’m going into my horribly unhappy childhood for y’all’s sake. The least you can do is to let me pick some nits.”
“Nope, I didn’t rifle through your sock drawer and laugh at your oversized bras.”
“They weren’t oversized! *cough* I mean….”
“You’re never going to stop reminding me, are you? Or rubbing it in?”
“And if you think that’s outrageous…”
“Saltza?!”
“Well… did you?”
“Honestly, I had no idea what these lunatics were talking about, so I just moonwalked right out of there, and the whole house exploded into wild applause. And it didn’t stop there.”
“You have uncovered the secrets of SALTZA!”
“Which brings me to my next question…”
“Typical! Something explodes and monsters start appearing everywhere, but that wasn’t exciting enough for you guys, was it?”
“Well, after the Shinra stampede, it was hard to get excited about anything.”
“That’s what she said.”
“…..”
“Well, you set yourself up for that one.”
“And you’re still bitter.”
“Deactivate it? Not use it?”
“Well… what was our alternative?”
“Whatever it is that you used before that?”
“Which waaaaas?!”
“I guess we might find out later.”
“I would never rely on young people.”
“You’re 16!”
“Well, I would never trust me either.”
“I might agree if you’re going to be this weird about it.”
“And boy, who knew I would have to hear that again later… in Don Cornholio’s mansion.”
“Yikes. Well… maybe Cloud’s attitude can be explained by your father. He seems a bit overprotective.”
“…yes. Yes, let’s go with that.”
“I never got my copy.”
*cough*
“Tifa, we really do need to get you to the doctor. This can’t be good.”
“Uh… no, it’s OK.”
“Mt. Nibel just didn’t care.”
“That explains your personality.”
“Yep. It’s in our blood, which is as cold as the mountains.”
“There’s no need to get down. Unless you’re in the mountains, which makes it your only option, I guess.”
“The hell are you talking about.”
“Sometimes, it’s better not to ask. Even if you’ve lived it.”
“And if any of you say ‘that’s what she said’, I’d like to mention I have a foot with your ass’s name on it.”
“Well, you just said it was cold, and I know for a fact what cold temperatures do to ladynipples. You don’t need big ones for that.”
“Why are we always turning the conversation back to my chest? Especially you, who doesn’t want to acknowledge it at all?”
“Oh, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”
“This is like the storybook version of the ‘confuse a cat’ skit.”
“Well, I am confused, so it’s working.”
“Hmm. Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you downhill. Oh, and you need to get this bridge fixed as soon as possible.”
“This bridge is Shinra property. That’s on your paycheck.”
“OK, I’ll pass on that message when we’re done here.”
“Besides, he’s a trained soldier. He already knows our destination and we can trust him to catch up with us later, so I don’t know why I even made that ‘cruel’ point. Carry on!”
“…yeah, makes sense. Well, aside from the ‘mountains being abundant in this energy’ thing. What is this? The Force?”
“Such a little cynic.”
“And what’s a mysterious color for a cave anyway? Anything ‘not gray’?”
“Well… yeah. I mean… you live here. Have you seen the outside? All these warm-ish colors are freaking me out, man!”
“MESSAGE!”
“I wasn’t brought here to care. I was brought here to investigate something.”
“Oh, who’s the cynic now?”
“Uh… well… we… uh, got an audience who doesn’t know. Tutorial!”
“I hate these ‘as you know’ conversations.”
“YOU LEAVE THAT FOURTH WALL ALONE! IT’S GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME!”
“And I hate these old memes.”
“Hmm, really? I guess I will understand that when I meet him.”
“Oh, you will.”
“Well, here we are, at the top of this very special mountain.”
“This practical and boring structure mostly made up of pipes really lights up this place, doesn’t it?”
“I’m not sure if I should be happy about that or not. I mean… these mountains are rather inhostile-looking, but still…. is there any need to light up the twisted recreations of hell?”
“I… I can’t protect anyone. I’m.. I’m a failure.”
“Well, you’re no fun.”
“Look at me. Good for nothing but guard duty. My… my dreams.”
“What a mumbler. Well, I don’t have to listen to him.”
“Uh… the entrance to this building leads to these pipes? Shinra not much on building safety, are they?”
“What are you mumbling about? Hurry up, or I’ll leave you behind.”
“Sheesh, I’m going, I’m going.”
“Wait, didn’t you say your mom’s name was Jenova? What’s up with that?”
“Not sure. ‘Mom in a can’ seems like rather a new concept to me. Hojo has some explaining to do.”
“Hojo seems like he’s very much into ‘everything in a can’. I hope that’s not a trend that’ll take off.”
“Well…. I’m a little unnerved that it looks like a huge egg, but I’m a fairly young, impressionable and naive guy eager to impress, so what the hell?!”
“JAYSUS! That is creepy as sin.”
“I know.”
“I mean… just look at that grin. Human teeth on monsters? Turbo creepy.”
“You got some weird priorities.”
“Hey, I didn’t make this.”
“That’s not the… oh, never mind.”
“They’re normal humans who have been exposed to a far higher degree of Mako than us?”
“Rhetorical question, Cloud. Rhetorical question.”
“I don’t speak the language of Rhetorical.”
“Well, you don’t look like a weird freakazoid with human teeth, so… probably not?”
“And isn’t that reassuring.”
“Hey, that’s my line.”
“…..”
“Wait, no, it’s not. I was ordinary and boring. That’s why I joined SOLDIER!”
“Sounds healthy. And a stellar idea. Well, anyway, back to me.”
“What? You don’t like orange legs?”
“You…. you have a rather amazing ability to completely miss the point, don’t you?”
“So you do like orange legs?”
“No, that’s not… you’re driving me crazy. Stop it!”
“Is this because of the orange legs?”
“What? No! Why would you even… are you still hung up on that after all these years?”
“I guess he really didn’t want to hear more about my ‘orange legs’ theory.”
“I know that feeling.”
“Anyway, I was gonna share with him my theories of how you can color your legs any color you want.”
“You’re just trolling us now, aren’t you?”
“I know it’s important to stick to the places you’re stationed to, but seriously, he didn’t even look into the room and discover that there’s an ominously green glowing door here? Soldier today are made of wet paper mache, I tell ya.”
“I guess it’s not just Shinra who doesn’t care about safety. No railing on this spiraling walkway. That’s just horribly unsafe. Anyway, down this ominously glowing purple hallway….”
“…and into more green. Hi, Sephiroth. What’s cooking in this… here… underground laboratory? Uh oh.”
“…..”
“Wait, he named an underground organism after your mom? That’s just rude.”
“Ssssh.”
“Professor Gast? But what about professor Hojo?”
“He was the one who took over… after Gast died.”
“Well, isn’t that convenient.”
“Corporate culture. Don’t care.”
“In fact, we should head back and check the cellar. I don’t think anyone turned off the lights since we were there. Can you imagine the enviromental danger of just letting the lights stay on for years on end without anyone being down there? Think of the Mako footprints and all.”
“You focus on the weirdest things.”
“Well, anyway, next day, I went down to see how his self-imposed solitude in the library of madness went. In hindsight, we really should have seen this coming.”
“Ha, ha, ha?”
“Ha, ha, ha.”
“Sounds like he took his information hunt well, then?”
“…not exactly.”
“Traitor?”
“Yes. And an ignorant too, because betrayal is always an involuntary action, right?”
“But we’ve already covered that, AND we have an expert on the subject with us.”
“Well, what he said so far isn’t incorrect. Back then, I mean.”
“Uh… wait, what?”
“Yeah, that made no sense to me either. If the Cetra were a nomad-like race, they were eventually going to leave anyway? And what’s wrong with settling in somewhere? Were the race who tired of travelling not Cetra? Patent thieves? So many questions.”
“We hid? Where? How does one hide from a cataclysm anyway? How did the Cetra sacrifice themselves? Or did we actually do that?”
“The underground library of hearsay and accusations. We have to go there. I gotta see this.”
“Well, to be honest, I didn’t really read anything from there. My head was just reeling from the sudden accusation train from Mr. Special.”
“Well, if I had learned that right after seeing the ‘metal human monster egg’ facility, I might’ve gotten a little mental too.”
“Sure, it was an unsettling sight, but there was no need to go this mental over it.”
“This mental, you say?”
“This mental.”
“But wasn’t his ‘mother’ in one of those metal eggs?”
“…..”
“I see your point.”
“Jeez! I said ‘I see your point’. The story didn’t need to end with ‘and then he set fire to the entire village’.”
“Except the mansion.”
“I guess he didn’t want to ‘hide the truth’ or something.”
“Burning down the village? Nah, that’s totally rational by Shinra standards. An’ so is dropping an entire city block on top of us to get rid of a small handful of people for the greater good or whatnot. And nobody even know the finer point of a good explosion. That just makes me sad.”
“And people tell me my priorities are skewed. Boy, are my legs red.”
“Shaddup!”
“And so, we come to one of the milestones of this story, one which shall be remembered for years to come. And create a precedence of ‘how far will you take the “Draco in Leather Pants” trope before it goes too far’. Only time will tell.”
“Stupid, stupid, stupid. Make sure you have your oversized sword on you, then set fire to the village to cement your descent into villainy. It has to… ow… be here… ow… somewhere. The sword that… ow… only I can… ow… use.”