Chapter 5: The Great Escape and the Not So Great Escape.
“I know we’re in an air duct and such, but why does the meeting room for the upper brass’s pipeline connect directly to the one over the goddamned toilet?!”
“Don’t know, don’t care. Convenient for us is what it is. In fact, I think I can drop a loogie straight on the President head from here.”
“Uh… maybe not do that right now. Or at all.”
“10 Billion Gil?! Rich bastards.”
“Sssh.”
“Well, they can spend another ten billion rebuilding for all I care. I only need to blow it up again.”
“Uh… go us?”
“And they call me the childish clod of the group.”
“Oh, but you are. OHOHOHO!”
“RATE HIKE RATE HIKE LOSERS CAN RAGE HIKE! YAY HA HA HA!”
“You’re all getting rate hikes.”
“YAAAAY! Wait… NOOOOOO!”
*sigh*
“You’re all immature.”
“Yeah, they ‘saved’ Sector 7 by dropping a huge plate on top of them. Good job, guys.”
“Ssssh.”
“Let’s drop down and beat them all up. Can we can we can we can we please?!”
“No! Now stop asking, Mr. PG Swears!”
“That’s why he’s… ‘breeding her’?! Oh dear Lord!”
“I knew he was a lonely, lonely man, but this…”
“Well, he’s creepy. Who’d ever want to get intimate with someone like that?”
“I don’t evah want to find out.”
“Your breath?”
“Your fashion sense?”
“Your pettiness?”
“Yeah, that’s a goo-HEY!”
“SSSSH!”
“Did you hear something?”
“Nope!”
“Uh… let’s just leave.”
“To say that it was an underwhelming experience would be a bit of an understatement.”
“But he is a scientist. That’s gotta count for something, right?”
“I dunno. You tell me.”
“Well, anyway, don’t we have someone to save?”
“Let’s start with ourselves.”
“The heck? ‘Moth slasher’?”
“I don’t think these were made to fight moths. And if they were, I’m not sure I’d like to meet the kind of moth these robots are meant to take care of.”
“A lion? The heck does Hojo want with one of those?”
“Wait… he can’t be serious!”
“What?!”
“Oh, we’ll see. Good God, I hope I’m wrong about this, but… yeah. Anyway, what’s this?”
“Hmm. To look or not to look.”
“What is it?”
“Well…. OK, I’ll check.”
“OH GOD WHY DID I LOOK?!”
“Ssssh.”
“DON’T YOU… WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?!”
“It had an eyeball for a nipple. Why did I look. Why did I look?!”
“And you asked me if I saw it? I think I’d rather not.”
“Uurgh! How long will it take before I can sleep well again? Is this punishment for me staring at boobs? They made one that stares back at me.”
“Um….”
“Why aren’t you affected more by this?”
“Because it’s stupid!”
“NO, YOU’RE STUPID!”
“NO, YOU!”
*sigh*
“I knew it.”
“Knew what?”
“Oh.”
“Wait, he’s trying to mate a human with a cat? Even I know that’s stupid!”
“No, you are stupid.”
“NO, YOU!”
“…OK, we were acting stupid.”
“Told ya!”
“WE’RE NOT STUPID!”
“OK, I’ve had enough of that.”
“Uh….”
“What? I can fight, you know.”
“Sorry. Yeah, I know. I’m just still a little weirded out by this whole situation.”
“No, YOU!”
“Well… yes.”
“D’oh!”
“Red XIII it is, then.”
“Red XIII.”
“Red XIII sounds fine.”
“You people have no imagination.”
“Well, it’s not like your request to call you whatever we want is going to sound really weird later if we learn your real name.”
“And yet you keep calling me ‘Mr. T’ for some reason.”
“But of course, sucka!”
“You guys are weird. But let’s not focus on that right now.”
“Well what do we focus on?”
“Oh.”
“Shady breath? Uh.. that’s not how breath works.”
“Unless it’s a chain smoker.”
“Well, we took a sample out of that book.”
“Indeed. Oof.”
“Aeris called you a braggart. Was this what she was referring to, I wonder?”
“Huh?!”
“I feel both relieved and insulted at the same time.”
“Well, if there are worse fates than ending up in Hojo’s private and very, very weird porn collection, I can’t think of anything right now.”
“Does that mean you’ve pretended to be a wild animal all this time?”
“Well… yes.”
“That must have been fun.”
“In hindsight, it might not have been my brightest idea. If I knew that Hojo doesn’t let details like ‘sentience’ or ‘being an animal’ stand in the way of his mating fantasies, I would probably never have bothered. Anyway, shall we?”
“Absolutely. Let’s get the hell out of Dodge.”
“Oh, balls.”
“Party time is over, boys and girls.”
“We need to learn to stay away from the elevators. They bring nothing but trouble.”
“Neo Midgar? How creative. Where did you pick up such a fantastic naming idea?”
“None of ya beezwax.”
“Where indeed…”
“Oh, he takes the name of a place he doesn’t like or respect and just puts ‘Neo-‘ in front of it. How cliché’d.”
“That’s the extent of originality you can expect from this creepy, creepy man. He’s a stalker and a creep and he just looooves reaping the rewards of other people’s work.”
“I’d kick his ass, but I think we’d need all our feet for that particular task.”
“How rude.”
“Yeah, maybe you should ask people what they want before you go calling other people rude.”
“Right. Well, I’m glad we got that settled.
“And it’s gonna cost ya.”
“Well, I don’t have to listen, then, do I? Take them away.”
“My hero.”
“Pfft. Stupid jerk wouldn’t listen.”
“Well, of course he wouldn’t. What did you expect?”
“That’s he’d listen to me rant about the evils of Shinra and pay for the privilege?”
“Are you really this stupid, or are you just pretending to be?”
“Shaddup! I don’t want to hear that from no cat.”
“We had a promise!”
“Well, uh….”
“And we had a deal.”
“Oh boy…”
“I’m starting to realize how you idiots got captured so easily.”
“And yet, here you are with us.”
“And that is what stings most of all.”
“Unlock the planet?! What are you? Some kind of space janitor?”
“Uh… no. Why must you ruin my aura of mysticism. You jelly?”
“Hardly.”
“Yes, I have a grandpa. You find something weird with that?”
“Sorry, man, the idea of your family using ‘Hojo’s dating services’ just popped into my head, and there’s no rescue from that train once it starts.”
“I’ll… let that one slide. Don’t want to look too deeply into that rabbit hole.”
“OH HA HA HA YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE, DIDN’T YOU?!”
“I now pronounce you… man and chocobo.”
“HAHAHAHAOHGODSOMEBODYSTOPHIMICAN’TBREATHE!”
“Barret’s recruitment drive in the city of the ancients. How do you think they would’ve felt about being recruited for a job where they have to blow stuff up?”
“It would have been a struggle. To put it mildly.”
“So says the guy who was nearly dying of laughter five minutes ago.”
“Hah! That was mostly thanks to my own imagination.”
“But we didn’t help matters, did we?”
“But I was still the one who got me started.”
“He’s always like that when it comes to Avalanche.”
“Driven by his love to blow stuff up.”
“Yeah, he’s a real cut above the rest, isn’t he?”
“Yea-HEY!”
“It’s a dead guard. I must tell the others immediately.”
“It’s a dead guard.”
“The guard is very dead.”
“I wonder what happened.”
“We must tell the others.”
“Aye aye, sir!”
“Don’t make this weird.”
“It’s a dead guard.”
“I know, right?”
“The guard is very dead.”
“But who made this guard this dead?”
“Someone made it happen.”
“But who? And why? And what?”
“You didn’t strike me as the domestic type, Barret. Color me impressed.”
“Don’t you get smart with me, boy. I could clean you out with a mop.”
“Well, my sword is bigger than your sword.”
“Boys!”
“Now that’s just very self-explanatory.”
“And way less creepy than Miss ‘Eyeball For a Nipple’.”
“Erm….”
“You don’t wanna know. Trust me on this.”
“Well, if I don’t wanna know, why are we following it?”
“Because whoever made this blood trail is most likely the person who set us loose.”
“Which begs the question: why?!”
“The most grisly puzzle event ever.”
“The janitors will not be happy.”
“There better be a big, fat bonus at the end of the year after this.”
“…then again, maybe not.”
“Yep. There’s gonna be some seriously unhappy janitors.”
“You guys have a weird sense of priority.”
“And this is the guy who approved trying to force me to have sex with a human?”
“Erm… probably?”
“So… what do we do now?”
“I dunno… leave?”
“Um… why? It’s just a sword. A very long one, granted, but still a sword.”
“Hey, we live in a world where we can only equip the type of weapons we were assigned to. And this is Sephiroth’s type of weaponry.”
“Well, it could’ve been worse: we might’ve had to unlock license points to do stuff like… wear clothes. Instead of.. you know, just putting it on.”
“He’s taking away my rate hike.”
“We gotta have our priorities, I guess. For Sephiroth, it’s important to pick up mother and stab the President in his back. For you, it’s rate hikes.”
“Life must be hard on the top floor.”
“So, how could this possibly get any worse?”
“We’re just some people who jinxed themselves.”
“Well… condolences about your father.”
“Couldn’t have happened to a nicer fella.”
“Yes, yes. Whatever. My question. Answer it, please.”
“So says you. We overheard your meeting — well, your father’s meeting — and to say that Shinra is filled with originals is a bit of an understatement.”
“And if you don’t believe it, just listen to Mr. Rate Hike over there.”
“Hmm. Touché, I guess.”
“Manners aren’t your strong suit, are they?”
“Tell me about it.”
“Hey! You’re not supposed to agree with him? He’s Shinra.”
“He’s still right about your manners, though.”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“He’s also terrible at listening once he gets started, just like his father.”
“And then, THE WORLD!”
“Well, we should probably just leave. You know, like I’ve been saying all this time.”
“Why? We could take care of the leader of Shinra right now. He’s by himself, so this really is a golden opportunity.”
“We must act now. Seize the day. Don’t let go! Be a man!”
“Have you lost your mind, foo’?!”
“There is no time to lose. Now GO!”
“Fine! Just… just stop talking like that.”
“Yeah! That’s my job. Except with more fear.”
“Is there something in the water? You’re still gabbing like a bunch of surrealistic weirdos.”
“We’re going into the elevator. We must be ready for anything.”
*sigh* “Never mind. I’m already armed on my arm.”
“…..”
“Geddit?! Armed? On the arm?”
“Yes we get it shut up!”
“You’re so damn boring.”
“Vargid Police? Does this place have a Vargid problem?”
“It’s probably an even bigger problem than the moths.”
“Yes, I… wait, what?”
“We fought some moth slashers on our way up, and you better pray we ain’t meeting one of those again.”
“Uh….”
“That’s what Cloud said too when he saw one.”
“Well, here’s the elevator, and there’s the trap. In another elevator.”
“It’s an elevaception.”
“I was thinking desception myself.”
“Hey, I ain’t no damn Transformer.”
“Deception?”
“No, DESception. Descention? Detention? Urgh, it’s too hard to say it without correct spelling eating up the joke. Never mind.”
“OUCH! This is definitely the worst elevator ride yet.”
“And I’m going to kill whoever thought ‘It’s a long way to the top’ made for good elevator music.”
“And thar she blows. Finally done with this irritation.”
“What?! Hey, no! That’s just unfair.”
“You just had to tempt fate, didn’t you?”
“OK, NOW we’re done. Boo ya!”
“Oh, sure. THAT isn’t a jinx or anything. Hmph!”
“Would it hurt you to care some?”
“You’re the last person I want to hear that from.”
“….”
“Well… OK, maybe not LAST last, but… yeah.”
“I’m not even good enough to make last place with you? Now I’m just hurt.”
“We’ll be getting to that.”
“Oh, fine! I was bored anyway.”
“Male bonding at its finest. We shall meet again. Maybe.”
“Yeah, just run away. But it’s OK, I have to leave anyway.”
“This was time well spent.”
“I think we broke the irony meter. At least I got his big cat.”
“Uh….”
“Well, we should go.”
“I don’t know why we just didn’t gang up on him. He couldn’t have taken us all on after all, but nooo… you just had to take care of this yourself, didn’t you. And surprise of surprises, you didn’t succeed.”
“No man is a mountain.”
“Oh, don’t you start again.”
“You have a reputation, Mr. Barret?”
“Oh, shaddap!”
“Hey, don’t get me wrong. You do have a reputation… for being a bit too into explosions.”
“Weren’t we going to escape? How about you explode into action with that?”
“Well, you did tell him to get on with finding an escape.”
“What’s up, you said? Well, here’s what’s up.”
“There are times to fight, and there are times to run, and while our heroes have failed spectacularly doing so thus far, maybe this is where they will make better ground with a little help from Mother Engine.”
“YEEEEE-HAW!”
“Oh, hell naw!”
“What? You jelly?”
“Cloud, you idiot. A bike can only take one person, maybe two. And lest you failed math class hard, you shoulda noticed we are five.”
“I wanna ride.”
“Me too.”
“Figures.”