Chapter 35: The end.
“I expected…. something less…. sinister-looking…. than this.”
“Will I ever…. be able to… speak a whole… sentence without… these annoying pauses.”
“But how would we…. ever impress upon… the severity of this…. situation if we……”
“………”
“…………..”
“……………….”
“……………………weren’t?”
“Wait, did you all jump into the green goo?”
“Well, um….”
“We didn’t exactly jump into anything. We went platform-hopping like the rest of you.”
“Did you fight anything good on the way?”
“Don’t ask.”
“Guys, can you… can you possibly make this sound even more homoerotic?”
“I’m stiff as a board.”
“We’re his for the taking.”
“I’m… I’m not into human beings. I’m really not. So why do I….”
“Yes, yes. This is all so ha ha funny.”
“My name is not Cloud Cloud.”
“I know. I was just… never mind.”
“Everything is shining! What a shining moment.”
“Are you guys…. y’ know, all limber and stuff now?”
“Uh…. yeah.”
“Sephiroth’s not gonna rearend me!”
“Ciiiiiiiiid.”
“Yes, Cloud is here with us.”
“…..”
“Wait, I’m Cloud.”
“…thank you for that.”
“GOOOOOO PLANET!”
“Yes, it’s the prayer of a few people and everyone. Now eat our memories!”
“……”
“Wait, I take that back. Please don’t eat our memories.”
“This will be a moment for the ages, clearly.”
“Yeah, sure. Your plan to make us all stiff fails, so you’ll just twist the world instead. You’re a sore loser, Sephy, ol’ chap.”
“And the first stage of Sephiroth is…. Walrus Man.”
“Look, it’s got an upper body on top of its head. I say it’s Matryoshka Man.”
“You do know that ‘Matryoshka’ means ‘little Matron’, right?”
“Yeah, that just makes it more hilarious.”
“Jeez. Anyway, Cloud, you still with us?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch any of that. I was distracted by the magnificent glowy codpiece.”
“Nah, I’m not worried. Tifa?”
“Eh, I’m sure they’re fine.”
“Yeah, they’re also probably laughing their asses off right now.”
“Oh, come on! I look magnificent.”
“You sure do.”
“…you’re a bunch of assholes, you know that?”
“Says the asshole who wants to crash a meteor into the planet so he can lap up the magical lifestream powers.”
“Hey, I’m the victim here.”
“Is it weird that I’m worried about the others after I divebombed Walrusiroth’s crotch?”
“….yes. Yes it is.”
“Boy, does that make me feel all green.”
“That’s just the poison speaking.”
“I am NOT touching that. Meteorain it is.”
“There’s something very wrong with this conversation, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.”
“You wanna take a poke at it, Cloud?”
“I’ll take a stab at it, thank you very much.”
“Walrusiroth is dead. Huzzah.”
“He died as he lived, flopping around helplessly.”
“Oh, for… what’s happening now?”
“Wait, is that….?”
*snrk* “OH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
“What are you laughing at?”
“Oh… oh… did you think your Walrusiroth form wasn’t ridiculous enough, so you had to upstage it?”
“I have a hankering for chicken wings for some reason.
“Don’t worry. I’ll put up a barrier against the massive stupidity.”
“Oh, come on!”
“Well, I am whipping out the knights on this one.”
“The Whipping Knights. That sounds… rather kinky.”
“Aeris has really been a bad influence on you. You used to be so… normal.”
“……”
“Well… mostly.”
“And here comes the finale.”
“Where King Arthur flashes ol’ Chickenroth.”
“I think I preferred Walrusroth, to be honest.”
“……”
“Erm… I mean….”
“Even Arthur’s full frontal nudity couldn’t defeat Chickenroth?”
“May I present to you… my demise.”
“I wish I could tell everyone what happened down here, but….”
“So yeah, first Sephiroth changed into this huge codpiece-wearing walrus, but that wasn’t the worst of it….”
“Please… just… stop.”
“Well… time to blow.”
“Byebye, one-handed angel.”
“That’s one-winged angel. Don’t make this sound worse than it really is.”
“You’re portraying some serious mommy issues, you want to self-righteously bomb the planet with a meteor because you identified with a race of people whose last member you killed, and you’re worried about your image now?!”
“Yeeeeessss…..”
“And he’s gone.”
“Straight up Heaven’s cornhole.”
“Indeed. Thanks for that mental image, by the way.”
“Any time.”
“Any time indeed. Like… how would we even explain this period of time in words?”
“How about ‘here, at the end of all things’.”
“Yeah. Where we totally rect ‘um.”
“Ass we all do.”
“Guys, seriously….”
“Neverending cooooornhooooole….”
“NO! NO CORRUPTED EARWORMS ALLOWED!”
“Iiiiii’ve haaaad the ass of all tiiiiime.”
“Could you please stop. Please please please please.”
“Oh, fine!”
“Don’t you take that indignant tone with me after all you’ve done.”
“Yes, we’ve killed Sephiroth. Clearly the rest is out of our hands.”
“We’ve removed the lifestream buttplug. Now the rest is up to the planet. GO PLANET!”
“These have been trying times, to be sure.”
“Uh… hey, you OK, Tifa?”
“Barret, can I have some of your explosions? I need to get these songs out of my head.”
“Uh….. I don’t think that’s gonna work.”
“It will… one way or the other.”
“What did you do?!”
“Oh, I did that when we were sitting in the escape pod after our amazing journey into space. Defeating Walrusroth doesn’t even come close.”
“Oh, right.”
“Well, that was anticlimactic.”
“And we were there when it happened.”
“I’ll refrain from asking for details if that’s OK.”
“Oh, come on! He dissolved into chicken wing sparkles. What’s left of him to plug up the planet now?”
“…..”
“Please don’t answer that.”
“He’s… the laughing buttplug.”
“Cloud!”
“One winged walrusman buttplugroth.”
“Cloud!!!”
“I can see the light.”
“……”
“Anyone?”
“Well, I guess it’s just me. And the question of why I have to dive into this, face first. I hope that’s not the floor coming up. Or if it matters, given that whatever it is, it’s approaching said face at a rapid pace.”
“We meet again.”
“……”
“Why do we have to meet again? Wasn’t defeating you twice enough?”
“Nope!”
*sigh* “Do we have to do this again?”
“Yes! I am the chosen one. I WILL NEVER LOSE A BATTLE!”
“So, this is what it comes down to, huh? And why did it just occur to me that my sword looks like a gigantic toy?”
“Yeah, Cloud. Where did you get that sword? MacDonalds? Toys R Us?”
“Well, whatever. Eat my ultimate attack that I just have now, even though I was too lazy to get it at the Golden Saucer.”
“You what?”
“AND NOW YOU SHALL PLUG NO MORE! At least not your own existence.”
“Daaaaamn yyyyyooouuuuuuu.”
*cough* “It’s just a fleshwound.”
“You what? I cut off all your wing-legs. And stabbed you in the crotch at some point.”
“Come on, you pansy.”
“This is the time you fall down.”
“I’m cracking up!”
“Why are you filled with light?”
“How the hell should I knoooooooow?!”
“I’ve already been in the lifestream once, but I don’t remember it looking like this.”
“……”
“Wait, is this…. ewwww.”
“Er…. wait, now it’s a pillar of light?”
“Wait, wait, wait. Tifa, did you just reach your hand into the light? How does that even…”
“Cloud, stop trying to bring logic into this. We’re in a different place in a different zone. We can get away with anything now.”
“Oh, fine. Just pull me out of this nonsense already.”
“Ah, crap, I knew the mirror said ‘things are not as close as they may look’, but I didn’t think the distance was that much greater.”
“Stretch, Cloud. Stretch!”
“I’m… I’m not Plastic Man, Tifa.”
“It says ‘thanks for the effort, dingbats’.”
“That’s so rude.”
“Nah, I was just kidding. What it really said was ‘GET OUT!’.”
“Oh.”
“That’s.. kind of a morbid thing to say, though, isn’t it?”
“A bit, yeah.”
“And also, we have to jump into the green goo.”
“Even without Walrusephiroth, I’d… rather not.”
“Oh. Well, gotta love questions that answer themselves.”
“Heeeeey.”
“Well….. relatively speaking.”
“We’re all sitting on ledges. I think even Shinra safety inspectors would have something to say about this.”
“……..”
“Pfft, yeah, right.”
“I’m afraid it’s the truth.”
“Yeah, it’s ’bout time, sucka!”
“I don’t know what I find the most amazing: that we need to escape from the light rush hour, or that you keep switching between sounding like a ‘black man stereotype’ and a… well, a regular person.”
“Oh, shaddup.”
“How symbolic. That’s… not Lady Luck, though. It’s just a pinup model.”
“And Lady Luck is just an expression of sorts. Also, it doesn’t matter. We’re really saved now.”
“Yaaaaaay.”
“So…. who put a pinup model on the aircraft anyway?”
“…um…”
“For the record, I don’t really mind. It’s a nice and tasteful picture. I was just curious, since I seriously doubt Shinra would do this.”
“I know. I just don’t know who it is, specifically, except most likely one of the lads.”
“I wouldn’t put it past Scarlet, though.”
“I… don’t even want to think about what Scarlet would call this ship.”
“….the lads it is.”
“I don’t want to interrupt your fascinating discussion, but… we’re about to blow up here. Maybe move?”
“What’choo talkin’ ’bout, sucka?”
“Oh.”
“We all on board here?”
“Hol’ on for a sec. Cloud is one, Tifa makes two, Red is three… uh…”
“He’s counting us!”
“I wonder if anyone will get this reference.”
“Hey, I can’t keep track of y ‘all with the ship shaking like this.”
“C’mon, man. Give my boys a break. They’re flying this ship in the middle of a huge explosion made up of light. A lightsplosion, if you will.”
“THIS AIN’T HELPIIIIIIIIIING!”
“Wow, I’m having a deja vu moment here.”
“Me too.”
“Me three.”
“Ah, the reverse count. How apropos.”
“Man, this waiting room sucks. There’s gotta be something more exciting to do outside.”
“Oh, is it morning already?”
“….on second thought, waiting room is fine. I’m sure I can find a magazine or something.”
“This is… not good, right?”
“What does this have to do with meteor anyway? ‘Meteor’ isn’t the same as ‘floaty hurricane tentacles orb’.”
“We shall file… a complaint for false advertising.”
“On second thought, the waiting room is so boring, seeing the city getting destroyed is more entertaining.”
“That’s my girl.”
“Oh, that’s… probably not good. Especially since we shouldn’t even be able to see Midgar from here, due to the mountain getting in the way!”
“I feel like I’m being watched.”
“Then take the ring off, Frodo.”
“Don’t you lock me into the most overused joke ever!”
“I just want to hear you say ‘my precious’. Is that too much to ask.”
“Well…. don’t make things weird now.”
“Au contraire, Barret. It has already happened. It’s a little too late to save anyone now.”
“Well, poo on you and your sensible precautions.”
“That’s good, then.”
“In your face, holy.”
“Um… but…. Holy was supposed to help us release the lifestream to….”
“Oh! Well… poopie to that, then.”
“Um…. that’s not what ‘opposite effect’ means.”
“And how can I forget a city I’ve never been in?”
“OK, fine! What I just said made no sense. Never mind.”
“Oh, no. Holy seems to be trying to protect the planet. That’s having the opposite effect.”
“OK, OK, jeez. Make one presumptuous comment…”
“I can’t make out a thing down there. What’s going on?”
“Looks pretty barren, doesn’t it?”
“Oh, Holy… have you failed us again?”
“You’re never going to let me hear the end of this, are you?”
“One day, Nanaki. One day we will.”
“Yaaaaay.
“Look. It’s the lifestream.”
“The planet is bleeding out lifestream. We’re safe.”
“Oh, sure. And somehow, the stuff I say makes no sense.”
“I wonder if Shinra is thinking of how much profit is going to waste by it just bleeding out like that without them being able to turn it into electricity.”
“Well… who’s left to worry about that? We defeated Heidegger and Scarlet, and Professor Hojo died from his own stupidity with some minor help from us, and Rufus’s fate is a bit up in the air.”
“Well, the Turks are sort of on standby, but I doubt they really care much. But yes, Shinra is very much in shambles right now, so… gotta save everything I can here.”
“Yes, it’s… definitely on the way.”
“……”
“Any second now.”
“……..”
“SOMETHING HAPPEN, ALREADY! I’m so bored.”
“Whoa, doggy, look at that lifestream go.”
“Do a barrel roll.”
“…….”
“Or a corkscrew. That works too.”
“Wait, is… is the lifestream repairing the meteor?”
“I was right! Holy IS working in the opposite way it intended.”
“Well, I hope you’ll forgive me if I didn’t want you to be right about that.”
“Well… this is escalating quickly.”
“Wait, is… the lifestream just… absorbing the whole meteor into the planet? I have to say I didn’t see that one coming.”
“Well… I think it’s safe to say that meteor is surrounded.”
“Well, I think my work here is done.”
“Enough said, I guess? Because what is five hundred years between friends, even if you wouldn’t expect most of the party members to remain alive after all that time.”
“Dad, where are we going?”
“Are we there yet?”
“Oh, you’ll see in a second. And yes, we’re almost there.”
“We have to climb another mountain? Seriously, dad.”
“We don’t have to, but the view is definitely better up here.”
“Um… OK. We live on the top floor at home, so I guess there might be something to that, but…. why are we over here? You didn’t tell us anything when you drug us along on this long hike.”
“Well, we’re here, so you can stop complaining. Just go over to the ledge and take a look.”
“Well… OK. At least it beats the many journeys through that cave to see our petrified grandpa.”
“I AM NANAKI, SON OF SETO!”
“Good job, brother. Here he goes again.”
“Sorreeeee.”
“And what is this amazing sight that awaits our new generation of red kitties? What has been going down for the last five hundred years or so, and more importantly, where do we go from here?”
“Um…. OK, so… it’s a city.”
“It’s got a lot of greenery too. Our own hometown is much too dry and arid for that.”
“It’s kind of nice, I guess.”
“It sure is. And if you kids could only have seen what it looked like….”
“We have. There’s such a thing as ‘pictures’, dad. And movies. Get with the times, man.”
“Well, color me surprised. Given what the city looked like, you’d think everyone would’ve wanted to sweep that under the rug as fast as they possibly could.”
“But… dad, what happened to all the others? I mean…. you told us Aeris died during your journey, but everyone else survived, right? Did Cloud make it OK? What happened to Tifa? Did the two get together or not?”
“Yeah, and what about Cid? Did he go back to his hometown and build another rocket? Did he eventually marry his very patient assistant? Or at least treat her better?”
“And did Yuffie go back to her home? That’s on a completely different island too, right? And what about Cait? Or Reeves? How did they handle Shinra business or just the city after everything had blown up around them?”
“Jeez, kids today. We won. We defeated Sephiroth and the lifestream took care of everything else. What more would you need to know than that.”
“Closure, dad. Really, ending a story with ‘and then we won. The end!’ is just maddening. And we can’t even visit them anymore either. Why would anyone be happy with an abrupt and vague story ending like that?”
“Why would anyone? Well, that’s because this is….”
“….and nobody ever gets to complain. End of story.”
“Bah, humbug!”
*sigh* “OK, fine! Have some CG movies, a crapload of side story games and oh, maybe you darn kids today would like a complete story remake too?”
“Yes, please! And don’t take forever about it!”