Chapter 33: The Day That Science Died.
“OK, I think I see a vomit-free spot there.”
“Dibs!”
“Um… that’s not how this works.”
“Yeah. It’s first come, first serve.”
*sigh* “Noooooo.”
“Why should I be worried about Heidegger? The guy is a complete moron.”
“Yes, he is. That’s why he’s more likely to give orders like ‘shoot on sight’ and ‘shoot to kill’.”
“I hate it when you make sense.”
“So you hate me all the time, then?”
“Not when you’re doing fortune telling.”
“Oh snap, son!”
“Kidding aside…”
“Yuffie, this place stinks because you vomited all over it.”
“Yeah, because you said it was alright.”
“I didn’t think you were serious.”
“What made you think that? When I was standing inside the ship, heaving my guts out despite trying my best not to?”
“Touché.”
“Escargot!”
*urp* “Stop that.”
“OK, now I feel less good about being back in Midgar.”
“I haven’t exactly missed this either.”
“Oh, come on. This’ll be fun.”
“Really?”
“Well, no. No, it won’t.”
“Oh, damn it!”
“Yay, Aegis Armlet.”
“Coming down here was so worth it.”
“Well, it’s not like Shinra knows we’re here.”
“Sure, as long as they don’t see the airship floating above the city.”
“D’oh!”
“We…. just fought a manhole.”
“Was it from Venus?”
“Heck, no! I only play the best videogames. From Atarisoft.”
“My hero. Take me now.”
“I don’t understand you people.”
“And the theme of this place is…. pipes.”
“That’s the theme of half of Midgar.”
“The rest being subway trains and slum areas.”
“Normal shell? As in the kind of shell you load up in a cannon, or are we facing the Ninja Turtles?”
“Ninja Turtles?! No way anything like that will ever be popular.”
“Yeah! All my money is on the Manholes game.”
“Of Venus.”
“Yeah. I mean…. who’d care about the Manholes of Mars?”
“If I ask you all to pipe down for a second, would that get me in trouble with the pun police?”
“Yes. Yes, it would.”
“Fighting evil by moonlight….”
“…I never pegged you the type, Cloud.”
“Hey, that song is an earworm. Nobody is safe from it getting stuck in their brain.”
“Yeah, fair enough. That said…..”
“No, I am not wearing a sailor scout costume.”
“H-hey, I was totally not going to ask you to do that for me.”
“Aeris, what have you started?”
“Oh, thank God for the distracting Behemoth.”
“I am going to punch you in the soul for this, you monster.”
“Better it than me.”
“Our hero.”
“Max Ray. That’s such an action character name.”
“I’m sure it’s the real name of Staff Sargeant Max Fightmaster.”
“And he carries a gun called…. oooooh.”
“Yes, Max Ray is Staff Sargeant Max Fightmaster’s gun.”
“I hope you realize that means we just have to steal it.”
“Yeah! I’m sure Max can fight his enemies with his bear hands.”
“Why do I have to go first?”
“Because A: I’m wearing a miniskirt, and B: I want to stare at your butt for once.”
“Well, that makes sen-…wait, what?”
“That’s right. Shake it!”
“Um… we don’t have much wiggle room here, Tifa.”
“I’ll take what I can get.”
“So… this is what it’s all leading to.”
“I kind of feel like this is the last standoff.”
“This is going to be the confrontation they’ll all be talking about.”
“A company in turmoil is the best company to receive orders from. Everyone knows that.”
“See? I knew you’d understand.”
“Um… no, that’s not…”
“What?!”
“This is stupid. This is all stupid.”
“But… our assignment?”
“Yes, our assignment. That Heidegger and Scarlet gave us.”
“Well…. they did, but….”
“Um… guys.”
“Quiet! We’re having a moment here.”
“We are?”
“Yes. Let’s go.”
“Uh… OK.”
“Well… that’s that, then. Bye bye.”
“…..I have to admit I didn’t see that coming.”
“So… what do we do now?”
“I dunno. What we came here for, I guess?”
“Oh, right.”
“Shadow maker?”
“That’s… don’t we all sort of cast shadows, though?”
“Maybe it’s basically a huge lamp.”
“And they defeat us by making us cast shadows?”
“….yes.”
“And this is why the Turks didn’t want to bother anymore.”
“I don’t blame them.”
“Naaaah, this couldn’t possibly be the right way. Too many science pipes.”
“Well, we passed the Turks, so next on our list would be… oh.”
“Aw, poopie. This path is closed. Well, next one.”
“Another airduct.”
“You first.”
“Nope. It’s my turn to stare at your ass. Especially since I’ve never really done that before.”
“Um… really?”
“Well, this is only the second airduct we’ve crawled through, so….”
“Oh.”
“Why do you sound so disappointed?!”
“Aw, do we have to?”
“Yes! We have to stop that thing from draining the city dry over and over.”
“But it’s got such a stupid name!”
“I know, Cloud. I know. Just… just be glad you never had to endure any of her brainstorming sessions whenever she felt the need to name something.”
“Wow, that’s… *sigh* …OK, fine. We’ll go face them. This needs to stop.”
“Yes. Hojo must not be allowed to empower Sephiroth.”
“Oh. I thought we were talking about the fact that Scarlet must be stopped from naming anything ever again.”
“….well, that is important too, I guess.”
“So… is it Scarlet or Heidegger who laughs Gyaaa Haaa Haaa?”
“That’s be Heidegger. Scarlet goes Kyaaa haaa haaa.”
“Of course.”
“That’s nice and all, but shouldn’t we stop them before they…”
“…damn it!”
“Proud Clod?! Does she even know what ‘Clod’ means?”
“No. She doesn’t. She never does. She picks her name depending on whether she thinks it sounds cool, real meaning be damned.”
“Yeah, that’s a Clod, alright. Piloted by two Clods.”
“You don’t deserve to call yourself a Clod.”
“Hah! That’s telling them, Scarlet.”
“Well, this is a dilemma. Do we end their miserable lives now, or do we let them live with the embarrassment of this stupid conversation when they learn what a clod really is?”
“The dilemma of the ages.”
“Oh, even better. These two idiots build a huge lumbering mech, and their idea of an effective attack mode is wrist laser?!”
“Mount the lasers on the head! The hands are for megaton punches and nasty claw attacks. How exactly did these two idiots ever advance as far as they did in Shinra?”
“I have asked myself that many, many times. I still have no answer.”
“Oof. Crotch flames. I didn’t expect that.”
“At least it wasn’t yellow flames.”
“So, not impressed so far? Well, then, eat Proud Clod’s HYPNOTIC BEEEAAAAAM!”
“Urgh! Why do they keep piling on attacks that make no sense for their proud clod’s design?”
“I shall mix and match as I please.”
“Mix? Yes. Match? Hell, no!”
“I hate you so much.”
“Did you come up with the assblaster too, Scarlet?”
“It’s the Butt Blaster. Have a little class, you big-boobed tramp!”
“Using ‘butt’ instead of ‘ass’ doesn’t really make it any classier, you moron. And your chest is almost a big as mine, you stupid butthole.”
“Ohoho, I see what you did there.”
“Yeah. It sounds so much classier, doesn’t it?”
“I hate you so much.”
“What? Nooo. I thought you tried getting me executed on live TV because you loved me. Much eggy farts in the face for me.”
“Hate you so much. Hate. Hate. HAAAAATE!”
“OK, now you’re making me worried.”
“Calm down, miss Kefka.”
“And the Clod goes down, with the two pilot Clods inside of it.”
“Oh, Scarlet, you know what?”
“No. What?!”
“I looked up the word ‘clod’ in my dictionary. It more or less means ‘large, bumbling fool’.”
“Wait, seriously?”
“Yes, seriously.”
“You mean to say… you have a dictionary?!”
“…….”
“Well, to be honest, we’re kind of surprised about that too.”
“Oh, come on!”
“Oh, Hojo. Right. I knew we were here for a reason.”
“I haven’t had the chance to repay him for his hospitality yet.”
“Oh, come on. He even provided you with girls.”
“Oh, yeah. I could’ve had all the nosepats.”
“I feel… violated.”
“Big brother XCannon sees you.”
“And it’s all pee-colored too.”
“The robot that marks its territory?”
“I bet Scarlet is behind the design and purpose for that one too.”
“Do we even want to know what she’d call the skill?”
“Well… it’s called ‘search’. So says the information screen.”
“Not Scarlet, then.”
“Probably not.”
“We’re really gonna show him the score, aren’t we?”
“Well, we really need to let Hojo know that he wasn’t doing too well.”
“I just wonder if he tried dating one of my people.”
“……”
“Wow, now that I’ve thought about it, that would explain a lot. And now that I have, I kinda wish I hadn’t.”
“…….”
“Oh dear lord, why did I even… please! Please hit me in the head with the flat side of your sword. Or kick me. I NEED A CONCUSSION NOW! OR AS MANY AS I NEED TO MAKE THIS THOUGHT LEAVE MY HEAD!”
“Maximum who?”
“It’s big brother Kimaira.”
“Well, if that’s maximum kimaira, I don’t think any kimaira is going to be a huge problem.”
“Aw, you hurt its feelings.”
“I am mildly sorry about that, but we really don’t have time to play nice right now.”
“Well, you don’t have any scientific sense now, so I don’t see how you’ve changed since then.”
“Just you wait. I’m going to give Sephiroth all the energy he needs to doom this world, and then… you’ll remember me for the rest of your lives.”
“Yeah, getting us all killed before we even reach old age might be cheating a bit on that statement.”
“Hey, I’m a scientist. I only care about results.”
“Why, I’ll have you know that this is the finest of nonsense achievements. It met with success, which is more than can be said about most of my experiments so far.”
“While mistakes are part and parcel of the whole science thing, a scientist still needs a good head on their shoulders.”
“Well, I could’ve had another success story on my hand if you would just have had sex with Aeris like I wanted you to.”
“I can’t have children with human beings, you stupid moron! We are not genetically compatible. As a scientist, you should know that! How much do I have to speak in italic for you to realize that?!”
“He has begun to understand. You do not get to be a good scientist until you start asking the right questions.”
“Like… how do I get an ancient and a big cat to bone each other?”
“I don’t even want to find out how much drugs that would have to entail.”
“Yeah, we could see that coming a mile away, you gargantuan weirdo.”
“And that’s why you could be a good scientist.”
*sigh* “Well, I’ll make sure to mention you’re his father, then.”
“I… have no idea whether I find this cruel and inhumane or not.”
“He’s not even listening, is he?”
“I guess you don’t get to the point where you inject babies with cells if you’re the kind to listen to people when they tell you that you’re a horrible person just for thinking about it.”
“Hey, did I tell you that Sephiroth is my child?”
“YES!”
“This is the weirdest conversation I’ve hever had to endure.”
“Yeah, me too, and I’ve been inside Cloud’s mind. And while that was no walk in the park either, just… just listening to Hojo for any length of time trumps everything. Except maybe listening to Trump.”
“Did you do that just now, or some time ago? Can you control when you go completely ape? What does it feel like?”
“Yes! YES! Ask me more. THIS IS SCIENCE!”
“Science of Complete Weirdoes.”
“Well… his first form wasn’t much to speak of.”
“Given that it was his regular form, that goes without saying.”
“I got to hand it to Hojo, though; he managed to cancel out my general distaste for beating up old people. That takes some serious effort.”
“Uh… yeah, does our religion — if we have one, that is — even have a hell?”
“Hell, yeah!”
“Damn it, I knew I forgot to ask Aeris something.”
“Maybe we can ask Ifrit. He is a fire spirit, after all.”
“Uh… I doubt he’d be much help.”
“Oh, he will. We can ask him while he bumrushes Hojo there.”
“It’s Helletic Hojo.”
“You say that as if it doesn’t sound completely stupid.”
“Oh yeah? Well, let’s have a vote. Hands up if you think it sounds cool.”
“…….”
“Hah. Told you.”
“Oh, screw you. And the least you could do was help me by putting all four legs up in the air. I mean… I even got you laid and stuff.”
“Yeah, no. You did that more for your own benefit. On at least two fronts.”
“And hey… if you think all limbs should count, why aren’t you raising your other arm?”
“Well, that’s… because I’d fall on my face if I did.”
“MAJOR THREAT LEVEL, YO!”
“Well, enough of this. I’m not going to get Ifrit involved in ths stupidity, but I think I have the perfect summon to put my foot down on this.”
“….and to think, we complained about Proud Clod using weird unrelated attacks, and here Alexander is standing on its four absurdly large limbs and—- firing lasers at our enemies.”
“Yeah, I’m kind of disappointed myself.”
“Ack! I have lost my support arm. But I am not defeated yet.”
“What? Are you gonna bite our legs off?”
“If you can shuffle over here with your chin, that is?”
“Um….”
“OK, when you don’t have legs, I guess your only option is to levitate?”
“Please tell me that’s a tail and not a penis.”
“Also, if you could transform into… well, that… why the one-handed pushup mode?”
“I am a scientist. I must try everything.”
“Nope.”
“Nope what?”
“You are an EX scientist.”
“Yes, your metabolic processes are about to be history. You’re off your twig… or at least I hope that’s a twig.”
“That my end should be narrated by an act of comedy. So unscientific.”
“So fitting.”
“I can. I mean… seriously? You’ve seen how he has acted thus far? And you know who his parents are. Hojo and the dumbest woman on this planet.”
“Hey!”
“Well, she is.”
“Anyway, we really should leave.”
“And how do you propose we do that?”
“…walk? I mean… who’s gonna stop us? The Turks aren’t going to, and the… heh …the Proud Clod isn’t going to be able to do anything either. There is literally nobody left who can.”
“Well, damn! You’re right.”
“….well?”
“I thought you would tell us.”
“How the heck would I know?”
“I dunno. Why’d you bring it up?!”
“Because I wanted someone to tell me.”
“Oh, for the love of….”
“Well… look who’s trying to get some alone time with… ah, crap. Jumped the gun too soon.”
“Sssssh.”
“And somebody wants that too.”
“Weren’t you going to have some tea with your favorite assistant?”
“I didn’t say we’d lose the fight. I was just concerned about meteor, which is not about a fight at all.”
“Oh. Right.”
“It’s good PR, though. Right?”
“As long as you don’t blow up something important to the people you’re trying to help, sure.”
“Well, duh! You already figured out Sephiroth’s parentage before we took down Hojo, but… this escaped you?”
“Well, we can’t all be PR experts.”
“Well, in all fairness, Shinra is hardly innocent. Them dropping the plate on one of the districts and killing everyone isn’t your fault. Specifically.”
“Specifically?”
“It was Shinra who wanted to blame Avalance for this, even if Rufus saw it as a chance to crush some of his issues more than anything else. Worst day to take my leave week, in hindsight.”
“Go through all your second thoughts, and crush them without mercy.”
“Yikes! That’s an ominous way to put it.”
“Oh, pfft. Didn’t you state otherwise just minutes ago?”
“Well, sure. I mean… if I’m to continue existing, I have to save the world I’m existing on.”
“Semantics. They’re awesome.”
“Um… how about ‘I want to continue living’? Does that work as a reason, or does that just make me come across as selfish?”
“Nah, living is awesome.”
“……living is my punishment. I must endure it, so I cannot allow Sephiroth to ruin that.”
“Dude, seriously….”
“I mean… I thought you might have wanted to go back to our old homestead and visit all the actors that pretend that they’ve lived there all their lives.”
“Been there, done that, did the SALTZA and got the T-shirt.”
“Really? Then why aren’t you wearing it right now?”
“It… was a bit tight…. across the chest.”
“Uh…. right.”
“Well, MOVING ON….”
“….is a giant rock. Like… a really, gigantically huge one.”
“I will Dolphin Punch it right back into space if I have to.”
“Um… Tifa, we really need to hope that as many people as possible return to help us.”
“There you go again with your sensibility. What about my feelings?”
“But how do you go back from consciousness? By becoming unconscious again?”
“It’s a consciousness to consciousness journey.”
“That’s so deep.”
“Also, we’re fighting for the stars too? Sheesh, you need to stop promising everyone to save the world they’re not even a part of. That’s a weird kind of ambition.”
“Sorry. Force of habit.”
“I’m still an awkward kid at heart, huh?”
“Well, wasn’t that long since we crawled out of that mire, Cloud. Let’s just live and learn.”
“I’ve heard actions work very well. Like… KISS ME! KISS ME, YOU FOOL!”
“Aw, man, I nearly dislocated my jaw yawning. In fact, my ears popped so hard, it drowned out any sound for a while. Anyway, did you say something?”
“….nope. And you will never understand the chance that just passed you by.”
“Well, it’s been a long day. Let’s take a nap underneath the stars.”
“Um… it’s not day yet.”
“Cloud?”
“Yes?”
“Shut up and learn to enjoy the moment.”
“And so we find ourselves here, at the deep breath before the plunge. With all distractions gone, did Cloud learn to enjoy the moment? Did he take the hint? Enjoy the moment?”
“Good boy.”
“I thought you said you didn’t like good boys.”
“Sssssh. Don’t ruin this moment, Cloud.”
“…sorry.”