Chapter 30: This is Ground Control to Major Bum.
“Well, if weapon fought the only means of combating the biggest threat to the planet, maybe that biggest threat isn’t Sephiroth after all. Think about that for a second?”
“Why would anything be a bigger threat than the being trying to bombard the planet with a meteor?”
“Yeah, I mean… Rufus is only trying to save the world so he can conquer it with the help of Heidegger and Scarlet, and Palmer is also… uh…”
“The lesser of two evils, huh?”
“Tell me about it.”
“What the… that’s it?! Stop screwing around and put your backs into it.”
“Nono, you won. There’s nothing we can do.”
“Damn it all. We can’t stop you from taking the weapons here and using them to defeat Sephiroth.”
“That was the worst acting ever. I almost feel manipulated.”
“They’re just skipping work again.”
“Are not.”
“And I bet Rude there isn’t all that eager to have to attack Tifa.”
“I… plead the fifth.”
“Anyway, Turks awaaaaaaaaayyyy.”
“Stage left.”
“Well, that was underwhelming. I guess we have the entire reign of this… uh… creepy underwater plane.”
“I thought they were all about the big guns, though. Like… literally.”
“Yeah, me too. I mean… they turned a small coastal village into… well, a big gun, basically. I wanted to joke about this being all kinds of male posturing too, but Scarlet seems to have claimed ownership over it with that stupid name, so now I can’t.”
“And leave it to Shinra to design something that supposedly just crashed and sunk here, but looks like it’s been rusting for years. They do ‘creepy atmosphere’ so well.”
“We’re fighting what?!”
“Well, leave it to Shinra to have mastered the art of creating a bad rap.”
“I’ve seen some bad raps in the televised Shinra commercials. It’s… not a pretty sight.”
“Wait, seriously?”
“Urgh! I don’t know how you did it, but somehow, you made ‘being in Hojo’s porn collection’ the lesser of two evils.”
*stares*
“Actually… no, I take that back. Still… just the thought of Scarlet and Heidegger rapping…..”
“OH GOD STOP! WE TAKE IT BACK! HOJO’S PORN COLLECTION REALLY ISN’T THE WORST THING OUT THERE!”
“So… uh… this weapon is clearly for Cid, but….”
“Yeah, I can just imagine Cid being all ‘Do I look like a doofus who cares about spirituality to you?!’ when you try handing it to him.”
“I can easily imagine him being all ‘You can take that lance and shove it up your new age ass!'”
“That’s our Cid, alright.”
“Uh…. Hades materia? Do I even want to know what that will do?”
“Well, Ifrit has fire magic, Shiva has ice magic, so this would have… uh, death magic?”
“I have become death, destroyer of worlds.”
“Can we please move on to something a bit less creepy now?”
“… I said ‘Can! We! Please! Move! On! To! Something! A! Bit! Less! Creepy?!'”
“Hey, I’m not the ones whipping out the horror on the poor unsuspecting visitor of this creepy underwater plane here.”
“What in the seven hells is that even….”
“Teeth!” It’s a spleen with teeth and claws at the end, and it’s dangling from… something.”
“I don’t even want to see the other end.”
“Well, at least this place is full of loot.”
“I thought we already had the Highwind, though. I guess we can put this spare airship in our pocket for later use?”
“Um….”
“I was just kidding. I know it’s Cid’s special move. It goes so well with his new weapon. Hee hee.”
“Heh. That’s an amusing thought. And boy, I’ll take all the amusing thoughts that I can down here.”
“Oh, hai, Praying Mantis Skullface Intestine monster.”
“I think I must be on my way to Mental Breakdown Avenue, because I’m already kind of getting used to this body horror.”
“That, or we are living out our last moments of delirious fear as our souls leave our bodies.”
“……”
“Look, can we just kill this thing and move on, please?”
“Man is the real monster.”
“…..”
“Stop that!”
“I think that’s all the plundering I can take, both literally and figuratively.”
“The Turks must be pretty hardcore if this is just another day on the job for them.”
“I think I’m starting to understand why they drink so often.”
“Well, anyway… farewell, you rusty asspit at the bottom of the sea.”
“And welcome, weird spiky object at the bottom of the sea.”
“The hell is that even?”
“What about that looks like a key to you?”
“Nothing, really, but we are talking about the ancients here.”
“Um… fair point, I guess.”
“Technology in the old days sure was weird, man.”
“Well, let’s just pick this thing up. Can we even fit it into the submarine? How will we carry it around?”
“Don’t worry about that. Our pockets are infinity-sized. I mean… just look at all the stuff we’re carrying now.”
“It’s the oldest RPG joke in the world.”
“Super Submarine Take Off!”
“Why didn’t we just paint it yellow?”
“Because we’re not going to Pepperland, bitches!”
“But more importantly, why did you just up and accept the Spirit Lance? Honestly, we thought you’d be… against the idea, to put it mildly.”
“A stabbin’ tool is a stabbin’ tool, and a name is just a name.”
“Of course, New Age Man.”
“Call me that again, and I’ll stab you in the butt. And I’d have to work hard to miss that one.”
“That butt is the results of a lot of training in the fine art of kicking people in their stupid heads, old man. Just thought I’d let you know in case you had some funny ideas.”
“So remind me, Cloud… why are we here again?!”
“Just a quick pickup, Yuffie. We’ll be out of here before you even notice.”
“Except I did notice. And I haven’t forgotten about what happened the last time we were up here.”
“Well, just think of this as the place where Don Cornholio got his final asskicking. And also, it wouldn’t have been so annoying if you hadn’t stolen all our materia.”
“Yes, yes. My bad. And I gave it all back anyway, so let’s just… hurry.”
“Nice view, though.”
“Oh, sure. When you aren’t constantly reminded that the town below is the city of tour guides, that’s easy to think.”
“I wonder what the view is gonna be like on this side.”
“OH WILL YOU JUST ENTER THE CAVE AND GET THIS OVER WITH ALREADY?!”
“Boo, you’re no fun.”
“I know. It’s my big goal in life.”
“The scale of the Sea God does more than just shine. It squirts a lot of water on the flames. It’s like our own personal little water cannon.”
“I shall dub it Wa Do Ken.”
“I should practice my hand motions for that one, I think.”
“How about Kame Hame Wa-ter?”
“Hmm. It doesn’t flow as well, I think.”
“….oh.”
“You sound disappointed, Cloud.”
“Well… I shoulda guessed any materia from this place, Leviathan aside, would have something to do with stealing.”
“I can’t help but feel that was directed at me.”
“Man, even the stone statues seems like they’re dismissive of this place.”
“Well, good.”
“I sense bitterness.”
“Well, she’s not exactly hiding her disappointment for this place, so you get no gold star for that.”
“I’ll give you all gold stars if we just leave. And if you insist on remaining here, I guess I can dig up some of my old gold shuriken instead. They will be vastly less fun to receive, though.”
“OK, fine. I guess we’ll go haunt Cid’s ol’ homestead instead.”
“Why?! What did you expect to find here?”
“Uh… wait, I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Oh, so now they come back to use my rocket? That’s it! I’m going to give this Rufus fellow an earful. Sheesh, I know I said that we needed more young people in the world, but he just had to prove me wrong about that in a heartbeat. I’ll never trust any young people ever again.”
“…….”
“I’m still 48, though.”
“You’re still a whippersnapper, is what you are.”
“Oh, fiddlesharts!”
“I know it’s probably not the most exciting life to live in the town of the Leaning Tower of Science, but still….”
“I’d take that over tourists any day.”
“You didn’t steal from tourists, I hope?”
“Much as I’d like to, they never had any materia, and even if they did, my father would probably have… objected, as tourists who were stolen from wouldn’t have become repeat visitors.”
“Sounds like something you’d enjoy, to be honest.”
“Well… yeah, but… my father. He…”
“What? He beat you up? That’s terrible.”
“No, no. He did something far, far worse.”
“…..wait a sec, please tell me he didn’t….”
“Yes! He’d…. he’d act like a total doting father, telling me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. It was so embarrassing! I swear, I kept wishing the ground would just open and swallow me up.”
“…….”
“Yeesh! I know my mom took her doting a bit too far, but wow….”
“Hey! Calling us ‘terrorists’ is really hurting our feelings.”
“Yeah! I mean… we were mostly running around blowing up your stuff, but that’s no reason to call us terrorists.”
“Um….”
“I beg to differ.”
“Yeah, but we blew up the stuff belonging to evil people, so it’s OK.”
“Is that really a grenade? He’s throwing it as if it was a baseball.”
“What career options would be open for this man if he hadn’t gotten in our way? It’s a sad thought, isn’t it?”
“Stop making us sound like terrorists already.”
“Especially if you’re going to be a cranky old man over this.”
“Old Man Terrorist! Bane of secret evil organisations the world over.”
“Well, it beats Old Man Turrist, at least.”
“Oh, hai, Rude. Since we’re not in the Gelnika anymore, I’m going to guess you will give it your all this time.”
“Ssssh. Ixnay on the secretsnay.”
“Oh, pfft. What are they gonna do about it? Go investigate?”
“Well… fair point, I guess. Alrighty, then…. WHY ARE YOU ASLEEP, YOU OLD FART!”
“Because you started the fight by tossing a sleeping grenade at him.”
“Oh. Right.”
“Erm…. ‘ugh!’ what?! You were the one who hit me with a lightning attack!”
“I know. I’m so sorry.”
“Wait, no, it’s… we’re fighting. You’re doing your job. It’s normal. Why are you being so weird about this?”
“Does she seriously not know?”
“Naw. She’s… well, a bit slow on the uptake on that front.”
“Love is a complicated thing, isn’t it?”
“Well… I wouldn’t buy Hojo’s ‘Love for Idiots’ book, at least. His solutions are…. unproductive, to say the least.”
“Yes, I’ve… been on the receiving end of that.”
“And sure, just step right over me, why don’t you?”
“I’m sorry, but we’re in a hurry, and you are sort of splayed all over the damn platform.”
“We made sure not to step on your groin, though.”
*oof* “I appreciate it. And that you at least used the railing to offset the load.”
“I commend your moxie.”
“We shall always remember your bravery.”
“Aw, man….”
“We’re just kidding. Don’t worry, we’ll just beat you up until you stop blocking our way.”
*whew* “That’s a relief.”
“That’s right. So give it your all! It’s important to have no regrets.”
“Uh… now you’re sounding all ominously finalistic again.”
“Erm… is that how Shinra works? You fail, you die? I don’t remember that.”
“That said, we’re in a hurry now, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to give us an urrrrgh now.”
“A what now?”
“That’s a good boy.”
“Um… sorry about that. If Shinra asks, we’ll say you gave it your all.”
“Yes, I know that. My brain isn’t made of cotton candy, you dipwads.”
“That’s Cid, alright.”
“This situation is really taking off, isn’t it?”
“Interesting choice of words there.”
“Well, ‘OK’ is not enough. I want the best, and I want it all. And I want it NOW!”
“…safety be damned.”
“Pfft. Safety is for wussies. You should just wing it!”
“Now yer talking.”
“I’m also just joking. Safety is alpha and omega when you’re doing something as dangerouns as going into space. You stupid moron! I hope you realize how important Shera is to your dreams before you go and get yourself killed.”
“He’s not listening to me, is he?”
“Nope.”
“……..”
“You’re going to kick him in the back of his stupid head, aren’t you?”
“Yep.”
“Yes, please go tell the others about this, while I kickstart his brain, both figuratively and literally.”
“Pretty sure he ignored that too.”
“What are you just standing around for? We got things to do.”
“Don’t talk like you’re all intelligent and reflective now.”
“Urgh! I don’t understand you people.”
“You just want to go out in a blaze of glory, don’t you?”
“Naw. If the rocket blows up on me, I’ll chew it out all the way to hell.”
“The old man crankiness makes no sense whatsoever.”
“Normally, I’d agree, but let’s just look at the scientists we’ve met so far. First we have Hojo and then we have… well, there’s Gast in those video logs, I guess, who seemed slightly nicer. And then… um…..”
“We’ve… mostly been making the world worse with science, haven’t we?”
“Yeah. I mean… I agree with you, but so far, spirituality and fighting abilities seem to be the only thing keeping everything good and nice about this world alive, and that’s a really depressing thought, isn’t it?”
“Well, you can rot in your depressive thought-circle if you want to, but I’m gonna go fly a rocket. Who’s with me?!”
“Um….”
“Yes, that is your main problem, but do you even know if your rocket is ready?”
“Well, we’re waiting for a message from Shera, right? It’ll probably take forever, and I’m probably going to lose my patience and fire us off anyway.”
*sigh*
“What?! But I was supposed to do that. But the one who actually did it was Palmer?! Of all the people to steal my thunder….”
“Of all the things to prioritize.”
“But more importantly, does he still drink his tea with lard?”
“Ew.”
“But… but… countdown. What about doing things properly?”
“Um… maybe we should leave while we still can, Tifa.”
“I think that train has gone by now. Given the size of this rocket, I think we’ll be safer — well…. or at least less royally screwed — if we remain inside.”
“I’m going to blast off right in your face, you asshole.”
“……”
“Uh… wow, that was a mental image I never wanted. Thanks, man.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Say, can I ask you to give me a concussion, please?”
“Me too.”
“You kids are weird.”
“You wanted a countdown? Well, here you go.”
“Auuuuugh!”
“There is no justice in this world.”
“Oh man, good call on not going outside. I hope the town is OK.”
“Many trees were lost that day.”
“Eh, they can take ’em or leave ’em.”
“……….!”
“WOW, I FEEL SO… GODDAMNED HEAVY!”
“SHUT YER YAP, KID, OR YOU’LL BITE YOUR TONG… OW!”
“You told ya!”
“I hate you so mu-…ow!”
“Told ya… twice.”
“SHUT U-…ow.”
“I can do this all day.”
“……..”
“You actually managed to make Cid shut up, and there are no words big enough to express my gratitude for that.”
“I CAN’T SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE BECAUSE OF ALL THE SMOKE!”
“……”
“Wow, that joke left a bad taste in my mouth… for at least two reasons.”
“You had that co-…ow.”
“Well, at least it beats the taste of tongue.”
“…..”
“OK, that came out a bit more erotic than I wanted.”
“Well, I’m not complaining.”
“Well, at least we can make sure it blows up but good. My only regret is that I can’t stab Sephiroth in his smug face anymore.”
“There there, Cloud. Let us put our faith in our main character status to carry us through.”
“….or we could use the escape pod. Good plan B.”
“I’m so glad we’re out of gravity now, because wow, is my tongue thick. But I still want to chew you out.”
“As I’m sure your tongue would agree on.”
“Were you like that during the wild train ride too? Just along for the ride, so to speak?”
“Yeah. I missed that part too, so I’m actually curious.”
“If you wanna know, why don’t you just ask the brat and the cat?”
“Oh, that’s a good idea. I’d love to hear the story from their perspective, actually. The potential for hilarity is just that much greater.”
“….on second thought….”
“But wait, does that mean that since you’ve had your little space sojourn, you don’t even care if Sephiroth blows it up?”
“Nah, I still want to divebomb that asshole right in the… uh, cranium, don’t get me wrong. I just… kinda feel happy right now. Man, that feels good. I should do it more often.”
“….yes. Yes, you should.”
“Well, anyway, huge materia. This way, please.”
“….’please’?!”
“Cloud, I’m… I’m scared.”
“I know. This is new and frightening, and I’m not sure how to handle it.”
“Maybe… maybe that’s the most effective way to get rid of Sephiroth. We have Cid approach him and ask him to please stop.”
“Yeah, but…. ugh, just… trying to imagine it….”
“Guys, c’mon…”
“Passcode. Got it.”
“And I’m sure you know that we can’t underestimate the importance of this, right?”
“Well, you said you didn’t care just as long as you made it into space, but… definitely.”
“I did, but hey, it’s hackin’ time.”
“Yes, that… sounds like a great idea. I mean… this thing couldn’t possibly have a ‘three failed attempts -> lockdown’ function, right? In fact, why the hell does this have a reset code anyway? Wasn’t it supposed to be a 100% computer controlled launch? Were they planning on shooting up another rocket to catch up to the first one if the plan failed?”
“You ask too many questions. Just do it.”
“Do what? Ask questions?”
“No! Start punching codes, damn it!”
“I’m just that good!”
“Oh, come on!”
“Nah, I just looked it up on GameFAQs.”
“Game what now? Bah, you kids and your weird methods.”
“Do I hear the old Cid returning?”
“Gah! No, no. Happy thoughts….”
“Well, we got the materia, so let’s get the heck out of here.”
“The escape pods are right down there. It’s smooth sailings from here on.”
“Dagnabbit, these jinxes. They’ll be the death of me.”
“This blanket is too heavy. The fluffyness is off the scales.”
“It looks more like we’re putting our geriatric dad to bed, doesn’t it?”
“Well, at least I got the chance to be happy once in my lifetime. And this is pretty damn sweet.”
“And you celebrate that by doing your best to make us all sad? That is a new level, even for you.”
“You ‘tagged along’? Down here? How are you not dead?! I mean… we established this before: you are down here at launch, you are gonna die.”
“I just knew I had to be here. That’s it.”
“Well, now that we are a whole three more people, we should be able to move this fluffy blanket and escape.”
“WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED…..!”
“Guys, seriously….”
“I don’t know about you, Tifa, but I’m honestly weirded out like you wouldn’t believe.”
“No, I’m with you on that. I’m honestly thinking we all died, and this is our last fever dream as our souls rejoin the lifestream.”
“Do you think there’s any reason to hop into the escape pod?”
“Well… let’s just do that. Just in case.”
“You guys are being weird.”
“OH ARE WE?!”
“And here we go. Bye bye, rocket of madness.”
“See you, barge of insanity.”
“So long, ship of corporal malfunctions.”
“Good night, sweet Prince of mental misbehavior.”
“Catch you later, cerebral alligator.”
“You’ve gained some interesting friends, Cid.”
“Tell me about it.”
“And so, the goal of a man and his dreams came to an end, with some interesting side missions to go with it. The aquisition of a giant rock seems so impossibly small in the vastness of space, where even dreams might seem tiny to those not involved. Still, there is nothing wrong with savoring what you have done, even when it’s over.”
“Well… I once thought I’d welcome this — actually, I still do — but man, does it feel unreal.”
“I know. This tiny window is all I have, and this moment, but wow, space is amazing!”
“He’s like a little kid sitting in the window seat on an airplane ride, not being able to tear his face away from the view. It’s honestly kind of adorable, now that I’ve gotten used to it.”
“Yeah, ya know, I’m actually kind of looking forward to seeing where all this will go when we finally deal with Sephiroth. And it’s all thanks to a formerly cranky man and an at-first-glance insignificant woman who stepped in just when we needed her to.”
“Well, when we get back down, let’s have some goddamned tea.”
“Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha.”