Chapter 3: I Will Dress Anything For Love.
“Hell, yeah, it’s scary. This level of garishness will make you blind before you know it.”
“Um… that’s not what I was getting at, but… well, you’ll see.”
“Then why are YOU working here, sport? Does Mr. Cornholio hire people he doesn’t like, or does he save the special jobs for women? Like bringing him TEE PEE for his cornhole?”
“Bunghole! Seriously.”
“His name is Don Corneo. Corneo, cornholio. Do I really need to explain this joke?”
“…please, no. Don’t feel like you have to do me any favors.”
“I don’t know which is worse: that this person asked us to look into who’s sitting in the toilet, or that we actually indulged him.”
“Well, if it’ll make you feel better, I do regret opening that door, because eugh… someone’s having the runs. Badly.”
“Let’s… not order our food here.”
“Seconded.”
“I’m a BODYguard.”
“So they all say.”
“And you were the one who hired me, remember?”
“I do not understand the question.”
“YOU CAN’T PISS ON HOSPITALITY! I WON’T LET YA!”
“I wouldn’t exactly call this neighborhood hospitable, but I hear you.”
“I’m not sure if I can blame him either. Someone’s been holding up the only toilet in town for hours on end now, and a bladder can only hold on for so long.”
“Cornholio sure cares about his quality control, doesn’t he?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that. I was distracted by all the pink.”
“You’re… you’re dressed almost entirely in pink yourself.”
“Yes, but my clothes aren’t glowing in that special eye-searing way.”
“They will if you plan on standing in front of that building like that.”
“Hmmm. Yes, you looking like a man does pose a problem.”
“I’m… not sure I like that look in your eye.”
“Are you really interested in Tifa, or are you just doing this to amuse yourself?”
“I plead the fifth. Now, come on. We have to get you a dress.”
“Knew it!”
“You think he is crazy? Wait until you find out what this woman is planning to do.”
“Sssh. We’re doing this for Tifa, so stop ruining my fun.”
*siiiigh*
*snrrk* “Yep, tough looking. Indeed, we really need to bring out the girl in this one.”
“On second thought, charging in sword blazing sounds like a swell idea by now. Also, stop talking like a sylph.”
“This one does not understand the question.”
“Oh, nothing.”
“And we need to go to the gym to get a wig?! What kind of gym is this?”
“You will see. And then you will not.”
“I just want to go home.”
“Why? What the hell does it matter who you send to check it out? Are they selling condoms and Rogaine? I mean… if I can deal with this insane girl who wants to put me in a dress, I’m sure you can deal with a snickering woman. I mean… you’re a man too, right?”
“Hee hee.”
“See? Compared to her weird man-wearing-dress fetishes, this is nothing.”
“….OK, I can see why this place would have a wig. But more importantly, why would they know that I ‘want to be cute’?
*cough*
“You are a horrible person.”
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with crossdressing.”
“When the crossdresser is willing? Not at all.”
“Remember, we’re doing this for Tifa.”
“I’m starting to doubt whether all of this really is necessary.”
“Aeris, look… you’ll… you’ll get what you want, so can we just leave now?”
“Ah, a beacon of normalcy among all this insanity. Some food and a coupon. It’s signs of a civilized society. Now what can we get from this?”
“…oh. Well, that’s not a good sign. But if my intestines of steel can take the horrors of Korean BBQ — and where is Korea in this game anyway? Well, I can think of someone who can use this.”
“And we got some Sexy Cologne from a guy in the toilet. With the runs. I will never feel sexy putting this on. Ever.”
“I think you have learned by now that what you feel doesn’t really matter.”
“And you’ve completely stopped hiding it, too.”
“What’s this? Oh, right. The manly man wanted me to check something for him, which was a task he could entrust to no women. Never mind I’m constantly being followed around by one who wants me to dress up for her own amusement.”
“Real men don’t complain.”
“Don’t you even start with me.”
“And real men also hand out diamond tiaras, apparently. And act like a bunch of whiners when they lose squat contests.”
“Make up your mind about what? And now you’re going to do nothing instead?”
“Stop complaining. We need to get you in there anyway.”
“Why?!”
“Because it amuses the hell out of me.”
“Yep. Stopped hiding it.”
“That’s my boy.”
“I can feel myself getting older by the minute. Almost makes me long for the sweet embrace of alzheimer.”
“You think I’m weird? Go talk to the girl waiting for me outside with a weird grin on her face, and then you can come back and tell me I’m weird. And furthermore, I’m not the one calling you ‘Poo’.”
“The Queen’s Room is being used. I must know its secrets in my long quest to become the perfect woman. Or something.”
“Well… someone is ripping off Sleeping Beauty, except with more Satan. It’s the crossover we’ve all been waiting for.”
“Being a businessman sounds like the most exciting job ever. That, or upper Midgar is short on entertainment. No wonder Aeris’s flower business is booming.”
“The Lover’s Room. At least this sounds rather straightforward.”
“Well, that’s sweet and somewhat offputting. And they consider this high class? Where are they from?”
“I can tell Barret’s been here. I knew his filthy mouth had to come from somewhere. If only I knew what I was in for.”
“OH GOD KINDERGARTEN WALLS! I MUST… NOT… BREAK DOWN!”
“Stop shouting, you asshole. It’s unseemly for a man.”
“Shut up, you. And shut up, me!”
“Well, I’m not going crazy.”
“I know.”
“….’poik’? ‘Squish’?! What’s going on.”
“……”
“……”
“AAAAAAAARGH!”
“I knew you were gonna say that.”
“OH DO YOU NOW?!”
“I… am… not. What… what just happened.”
“Uptight? Long and short? What is this place doing to me?”
“I just carried you to the bed and slapped some sense into you.”
“That doesn’t explain the poiks and the squishes, though.”
“Well, I can’t speak for the sounds in your head, Bubby. You’re on your own there. Or maybe not, given that you were having a shouting match with yourself before you collapsed.”
“Now I can never get married.”
“Oh, stop being such a drama queen. Besides, I need to get going to my next customer.”
“I need… I need to go somewhere, too. While I still have a bit of sanity left in me.”
“But I just did.”
“That’s not the point, sir.”
“At least you see me as a man. And don’t try to put me in a dress.”
“Uh… man, I know we have a lot of weirdos as customers and all, but wow. Why couldn’t I have been assigned to that sweet, elderly couple?”
“Yes, one step closer to mass insanity. Hopefully, soon I will stop being me.”
“Yes, soon.”
“Oh, look at you all prettied up. Erm… you OK?”
“Yes, very.”
“Maybe I pushed him a bit too far.”
“…..”
“Oh well.”
“……”
“Did you hear that, Cloud? You gave a man his passion back.”
“They’re all weirdoes. I thought you said this place was dangerous to women!”
“And now we’re ready for the reason why. But before that….”
“Step a bit more softly. Don’t stomp around like you’re a damn soldier. These ain’t no hiking boots.”
“That makes us even, then.”
“Well, anyway, it’s time. We are ready.”
“Easy now, Cloud-chan. We’re almost there, don’t wig out on me now.”
“Must… not… activate… fist… of… death.”
“Okee. Tee hee.”
“Uh….”
“Sure, I’m just air. In a dress. Standing over here wondering how my life ended up like this.”
“Yes, if he really was here, you’d come across as a bit of a jerk, to be honest.”
“No other way? You were armed with a gigantic sword last time I checked. And Corneo’s guards aren’t exactly top-tier material.”
“But that’s not fun at all.”
“I knew it. But also, that begs the question: Why are you here?”
“I needed info. Figured the easiest way was to play the damsel for a bit, and then just punch the answers out of him when he’d take me aside for some alone time.”
“Sounds sensible to me.”
“But that’s not gonna be quite as easy now.”
“That’s right. We might as well all play our parts now.”
“You’re just doing this for your own amusement, aren’t you?”
“I plead the fifth.”
“Yeah, I’d rather not think too hard about that.”
“It probably involves lots of TEE PEE!”
“Come take a look at the famous cornholio of Don Corneo.”
“Hmph. Why don’t you two go ahead and bond and stuff. See if I care.”
“Anyway, we have things to do.”
“That’s right. Let’s go.”
“But we have to….”
“And I totally didn’t really need to hire you as my bodyguard.”
“But I….”
“I mean… what are you expecting me to do?”
“…let me finish my sentences for one?”
“I don’t know which of these two looks the most tacky.”
“Take in the guy on the left. He looks like he’s hoping a woman will go ‘kotchie kotchie kotch’ to him or something.”
“He can get that at the weird place I just visited. Just don’t collapse or anything, or Mukki will come and carry you to bed, and that is a wakeup call you won’t forget in a hurry.”
“I’ll…. uh, I’ll remember that.”
“Yes, you will. Forever!”
“Aeris, what did you make him do? Outside of dress in women’s clothing, I mean.”
“Oh, nuthin’.”
“Hey, ladies! Attention back on me, please.”
“And what a mind he made for himself too.”
“Heh.”
“Wow, OK.”
“He what? This… this isn’t fun anymore.”
“You were seriously hoping that… you… what is going through that head of yours?”
“How have you not gone blind by now?”
“Silly girl. You going blind is just a myth.”
“Well, I kind of wish I was now, but… fun times are over, Aeris.”
“Aeris? What does that name have to do with our impending fun time.”
Oh, you will find out. And it will most certainly not be fun.”
“Oh, we’re just getting started on the trickery. Ladies?!”
“And if I do that, the ladies really will like you.”
“Or they’ll like the people who did it, which is a fair trade.”
“Noooo.”
“Can you please stop threatening Tinky Winky?”
“Ew. Also, that depends on how quick we get some answers.”
“But I just did. Heidegger. Of Shinra. How much clearer do you need the answer to be?!”
“Much! Clearer!”
“But… but…”
“Well, if that’s what you have to say, make your farewells with Tinky, because Miss Fisty is about to make an impact.”
“That’s being awfully direct.”
“I’m also sensing a lack of subtlety here.”
“Uh… maybe we should hurry back? Lack of subtlety or not, this is very catastrophical.”
“Also, you called yourself scum? You do know that being open about your… well, scumminess.. does not let you off the hook, right? I’m sure Tinky will agree with me on this.”
“Also, win? How?”
“Oh.”
Meanwhile…
“Personal problems? You are straight out performing a terrorist attack AND blaming that attack on someone else.”
“Yes. And?”
“Are you Corneo’s brother or something? You seem to think being honest about being a huge asshole somehow absolves you of the fact that you’re a huge asshole.”
“Vacation? In Shinra? Do I get paid?”
“Ha ha ha ha no!”
“Figures.”
“I’m sure they’ll all buy that.”
“You were saying?”
“Oh, quiet you!”
“Man, the Genie from Aladdin sure let himself go.”
“The itty-bitty living space must’ve driven him insane.”
“Water gun? It looks more like they slapped us with a water-filled condom.”
“I seriously didn’t need to imagine that.”
“Uh…. ‘steal’ materia? As in, we have to apply materia to steal stuff? And why would anyone MAKE steal materia? What happens if you steal something without equipping said materia? Does your hands fall off?”
“Does Tinky get squashed?”
“Well, whatever. Yay, materia.”
“Let’s jump down to… more sewers!”
“And then you can go home.”
“Through the path of suicide houses.”
“Uh… what? That sounds really depressing.”
“It’s more comical than you think. It’s basically toy houses that drop on your head.”
“Well, I admit I was imagining something far sadder and worse, but still….”
“Don’t think too hard about it. I didn’t, and I’m still alive.”
“Yes, let’s focus on this train graveyard that also feels like an ironman race coupled with a Professor Layton puzzle.”
“Can do. I’m all about the puzzles.”
“There’s nothing quite like obsessing about puzzles even at the weirdest of times.”
“Uh… how would you even know about that if… say, the upper brass in Shinra just decided to do this?”
“Maybe a little bird told him?”
“Why would any birds even want to live here?”
*shrug* “Dunno.”
“Um.. yes, and I dare not look up, because nothing good can come from it.”
“Well, you might want to anyway.”
“Is that a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s….”
“When ‘ominous’ is combined with bad portends, can we then call it ‘omenous’? But before new twists on old words can be born, things are going to have to go down. Sometimes literally.”
“…uh, people falling from great heights.”
“Augh! I knew it was a bad idea to look.”