Chapter 27: We’re Coco For Chocobos.
“….no, you’re totally not doing this for the money. Nosiree. I’m sure those 10000 gil per stable is just a symbolic payment.”
“The economy is going into the toilet, huh?”
“Damn that Sephiroth and his anti-capitalist ways.”
“I think Sephiroth’s got bigger issues than just a case of the anti-capitalism. Besides, capitalism is good for the economy. Or something.”
“It depends on whose economy, but sure.”
“You gotta be on top of the economy, or the economy is going to be on top of you.”
“Unless it’s not about the money. Then it’s just a bit about the economy.”
“It’s a shame we don’t have Zack around. He’d set us straight.”
“I might’ve been just a drooling vegetable during our escape, but… no. No, he wouldn’t.”
“I’m not planning on taking the chocobo out on dates. And the way you’re airquoting ‘Chocobo stable’ just makes it sound like you’re talking about a love hotel.”
“Country people are weird, man.”
“Aren’t you a country person, though?”
“I’m a mountain person. A mountain lion, thank you very much.”
“Aren’t you supposed to have a thick mane of fur around your neck?”
“I’m not that kind of lion.”
“No, you’re the kind whose tip of their tail is on fire.”
“And that makes all the difference.”
“Well, it does.”
“How?”
“Well, we’re like country people, just not weird.”
“…uh..”
“I plead the fifth.”
*sigh* “Oh, fine. The world is facing imminent meteor doom, but let’s go chase some birds. We got all the time in the world, after all.”
“But first, we need to gather nuts.”
“And we do this by killing giant dinosaurs?”
“Dinosaur nuts are known to be good for chocobo breeding.”
“You really are a country girl, aren’t you?”
“Yes, well… I might’ve lived in a city up until recently, but I guess I will always be a weird country girl at heart.”
“Well, I learned something new today: when you punch a goblin in the nuts, they fall off.”
“I… did not need to know that.”
“Let’s pick them up and feed them to the chocobo.”
“Can we please stop making things weird?”
“We’re hunting goblins and dinosaurs for their nuts. How is this not weird already?”
“Besides, how can it be considered stealing when the goblin is dead? They won’t be needing them where they’re going.”
“I have a headache.”
“Well, time to get some chocobos. We got… scarily gigantic chocobo tracks here, so….”
“Are we looking for Chocozilla or something?”
“It could probably ride our airship rather than us riding it.”
“A chocobo!”
“Now, let’s quietly murder the two spirals guarding it before it runs off.”
“We are very solution-oriented. Good to have on the CV.”
“We’ll be looking for new jobs when all of this is over, won’t we?”
“I hope bureaucracy hasn’t evolved too far. Paperwork is no fun.”
“You just want to punch in, punch and then punch out, huh?”
“Yep. Life is like a punch. You just have to deal out some good ones, and you’ll be set.”
“Yes, let’s just send the chocobo to the stables. I’m sure it’ll find itself to its captivity all on its own.”
“That’s how it goes.”
“One day, giant underwater snake….”
“We do not forgive, we do not forget.”
“Um….”
“It forced us to catch a chocobo to get around it, or it’d attack and eat us up.”
“Well, yes, clearly that’s the biggest crime. Forget Sephiroth and Hojo doing weird stuff, the giant underwater snake is the real evil here.”
“Um… I’m not the one who’s going to boink chocobos.”
“I know. What the hell are you talking about?”
“Yes, that’s the nut I want. And why are you airquoting ‘nut’? What is it with you people and making this sound all wrong?”
“Must be a human thing.”
“Well, I don’t want to give it a ‘different “nut”‘ if that’s alright.”
“Alrighty, that’s enough dirty talk outta you two.”
“Hey, I’m not doing this on purpose. Besides, you were the one who started it.”
“Am not!”
“OK, enough already.”
“Oh, we already got a blue one. Take that, Mr. Chocobo Sage. All your hard work, and we finished ours in a day.”
“Chocobo gestation periods are short, huh?”
“And the egg barely had time to hit the ground before the choco inside cracked it open too.”
“OK, we have one blue and one green chocobo. What’s next on our agenda?”
“Black one. But before that, we need to take our two chocos racing.”
“Erm… I guess because the chance we get a black one is raised when they’re well travelled? Makes sense, I guess.”
“Not really, but let’s just roll with it.”
“Whoa, easy now, tough guy.”
“There are many ways to deal with impending doom, I guess.”
“Well, at least they’ve moved away from blaming someone for all their misfortune when it couldn’t possibly have been their fault to begin with.”
“….yeah, you got a point. Kick that great meteor in the sky, tough guy. I’ll be rootin’ for ya.”
“Rootin’ and tootin’.”
“Anyway, here we are. Let’s get fast.”
“So, after this, do we go to Event Ghost Speed Station or Battle Round Wonder Station?”
“Places so awesome that they need four entrances each.”
“Give me the full tour!”
“You got it. Try not to throw up.”
“Nah, I’m fine with poultry riding. This isn’t going to be a problem.”
“No, that’s not it. Just… well, you’ll see.”
“Well, I did take the short route when I had to race for my freedom, huh?”
“Yes, well, you didn’t have the freedom to choose, so….”
“……”
“Oh ho ho ho ho.”
“….and I was so proud of our blue chocobo, but just look at this. How do you make a red chocobo? Or heck, how do you make a white chocobo?!”
“Man, I’m off to a super lead already, but I feel so down after facing this rainbow cornucopia of colors, knowing I can probably never obtain half of those.”
“Oh, that’s lovely. A pastoral forest scenery that we’re speeding past inGAH! Visual overload. But I just took left at….”
“The underwater tunnel. I think they’re doing it wrong. It’s no fun getting a mouthful of water every time I say something.”
“Well, this is… fairly normal. So far so good. I wonder what that warning was all about. It’s hard to throw up when you have a mouth full of water.”
“WHOA OK THIS IS NOT RIGHT! REALITY IS WARPING AROUND ME… I… *urp*”
“ “I can… *urp* …breathe again. Somewhat. Wow, that was mindbendy and stuff. I need some balance readjustments when this race is done.”
“I won. Yay. Now I just… have to do this many, many times more.”
“…..”
“A BUCKET FOR MONSIEUR!”
*several races later*
“WE HAVE A NINJA CHOCOBO!”
“I’m gonna tell Yuffie.”
“OK.”
“Uh… OK?”
“Yes. What?”
“I didn’t expect that reaction?”
“Well, what is she gonna do about it? Steal all my materia again?”
“You could at least pretend to be nervous.”
“Oh, we’re bringing out the big nuts now.”
“…..”
“Um… no innuendo intended.”
“Well, we have a lot of nuts.”
“Let our nuts put some colors on their cheeks.”
“……”
“OK, that sounded much funnier in my head. So please stop staring.”
“Yes, let’s ride our golden goose.”
“Why does a golden chocobo look like a regular yellow one with the contrast adjusted all the way down?”
“Chocobo Jesus passes the test.”
“So we can go anywhere on this chocobo. That’s quite something.”
“It even doesn’t seem to mind a carnivore sitting on its back.”
“Probably because it knows if you start acting all carnivorous, well…. the ocean is deep.”
“Uh…. point taken. I totally could swim back, though.”
“Welcome to cup island.”
“Oh. There’s a cave, but it’s also all foresty and stuff, so we couldn’t have landed our airship here.”
“So…. someone basically hid away a treasure in a cave, where you’d need a golden chocobo to reach. Clever.”
“You have to delve deep into the subjects of breeding and nuts to reach this most elusive of treasures.” “And quite possibly racing too.”
“It’s an insidious system. Probably sponsored by the Golden Saucer.”
“I wonder if the Chocobo Sage is in on this.”
“I sense a conspiracy.”
“Knights of round?”
“So… there were twelve knights, right? And King Arthur?”
“What kind of lore is that anyway?”
“It sounds very British.”
“What’s ‘British’?”
“I dunno. Must be some alien planet or something.”
“Well, anyway, I know exactly where to test this bad boy out.”
“Not motivated by revenge, I’m sure.”
“It shall feel my thirteen rounds of pain.”
“Oooh, it’s a big one. This is gonna be so good!”
“Do I have time to get in a punch before you unleash the beast?”
“Hey!”
“No, I mean… never mind. Punchy punchy.”
“Alrighty, enough of that. Let’s get this show on the road.”
“UUUUUULTIMATE EEEEEEEEEEND!”
“OK, let’s not get too ominous here.”
“Holy crap, they’re all taking turns too.”
“Bullying the snake.”
“Bullying it back. Remember when we were all low-level and weak? It showed us no mercy then, so why should I do so now?”
“You don’t think it was just upset because Sephiroth killed its mate?”
“No! Now shut up, here comes the grand finale.”
“A grand finale? After all this?”
“Sssssh.”
“King Arthur shattered reality.”
“Told you he was an alien.”
“Alien schmalien. It had that coming.”
“If you say so.”
“And so, our little sidetracking with the chocobo is over, and our band of heroes are back to looking for answers to the big questions in life. With impending doom still looming overhead, it’s important to focus on the problem and search for the right answer.”
“That’s… good to know.”
“Thank you, sleeping man.”
“Maybe we should leave before we wake him up?”
“I wonder if he’s going to wake up and think he had the strangest dream ever.”
“Narcolepsy shall be defeated one day, I’m sure.”
“The meteor dropping will surely wake him up, though.”
“Unless we’ll put a stop to it. Then he will probably never wake up.”
“Please don’t put a depressing angle on us saving the world, Cloud.”