Chapter 26: Rounding Up The Great Big Failure of SOLDIER.
“Yeah, we… got the abridged version.”
“You’ve… had quite the life, haven’t you?”
“Uh….”
“It was weirdly nostalgic in a way.”
“It sure made me reminiscince about the first girl I had a crush on.”
“Oh wow, leave it to Cid to say something I couldn’t possibly imagine in a thousand years.”
“Putting aside the fact that I mostly ignored Cloud during our childhood years, how exactly does one so consistently cranky fall in love with someone?”
“Easily. How do you think I ended up so cranky, especially towards girls?”
“I’m not even sure if this makes me feel better about myself.”
“I’m trying to imagine Cid as a romantic, tender soul, and my brain just… crashes.”
“Y’all are just crazy, you know that?”
“Well, you started it.”
“Oh please, at least I found me a girl who liked me back, so we went through the regular routine of dating, marriage and then a little Marlene in a baby carriage.”
“The fact that Barret here — I.E. mr. I Prefer Blowing Up My Problems — has had the most normal love life out of all of us is… weirdly depressing.”
“I dunno… I keep imagining Barret doing regular romantic stuff with his girlfriend, and then lifts up his gun arm, and I start giggling like a madman.”
“Well, honestly, when I try to imagine you giggling, my brain just…. crashes. I mean… I’ve had some severe mind crashes, but this….”
“Weren’t we in the middle of a story here?”
“Right. Well, anyway….”
“Well, there’s no better way to kill the amusement in a conversation than bring in the topic of Hojo.”
“I mean… this is the guy whose approach to science is ‘making them mate with big kitties’ to ‘preserve the species’.”
“That guy doesn’t know how genetics work, does he?”
“Urgh, please don’t remind me. ‘I have some science goop here. I’ma shoot it up in somebody and see what happens’.”
“Is that why we met so many ‘strong’ people around? First in Midgar, and then in our hometown?”
“I can’t help but feel Hojo just nabbed hoboes off the street and working on them. I mean… I doubt our resident kitty member, Nanaki, volunteered for any of this.”
“I am not a hobo.”
“Don’t sweat it, Nanaki. If it’s not about materia, her mind wanders a mile a minute.
“Yes, that’s right. If it’s not about mat-..heey, wait a sec.”
“If I read your story correctly, it was a bit more than just pretending.”
“Yeah, I think mind control goes a bit beyond failures in life.”
“I’m sure your failure helped Sephiroth gain a foothold in your mind, though.”
“….thanks for your encouragement. You guys are some real helpers.”
“Still not listening to people, huh? Well, fine. I’ll never leave. And I’ll stab Sephiroth through the chest just as he once stabbed mine.”
“And then he’ll lift you with the sword piercing your chest and throw you down a bottomless hole?”
“Oh, come on! Be serious for a change.”
“……”
“Also, I totally did that in the past. Honest.”
“Yeah, yeah. Of course you did, little drummer boy.”
“You’re just jealous your old team liked me better than they ever liked you.”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“They’re such good friends.”
“In what way?!”
“It’s probably got something to do with explosions.”
“Hey! Not everything I do have to be about explosions.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, sometimes, I like harrassing Shinra employees on the train. It makes life worth living.”
“….oh.”
“Our hero.”
“Anyway, you were saying?”
“Oh, right.”
“Uh…..”
“So, you’re saying you wanna spend the rest of your life on a train? You got some pretty specific interests there.”
“Have you ever heard of metaphors?”
“Sure I have. That’s why I don’t immediately latch on to the first stupid thought that pops into my head, like how life is like sitting on a goddamned train, or that you apparently can’t get off this train because why? It never stops? You can’t be bothered to work the train wagon doors?”
“Well, aren’t you cranky? What crawled up your butt and died?”
“I work for Shinra myself, remember? More importantly, I’ve had to listen to whatever comes out of Scarlet and Heidegger’s cakeholes far too often, so my tolerance for verbal stupidity has been sanded down to nothing.”
“I guess that’s the train you can’t get off, huh?”
“Rrrgh!”
“So, that’s why the train metaphor makes you so mad, huh?”
“Yeah, I can get off this train, but do you even know what would happen if I did? Do you seriously want Shinra to be run by nothing but people like Rufus, Scarlet and yes, Heidegger?”
“Uh…. I have nothing to say to counter that.”
“Well, thank you, random person. I’m sure you’ll be your own main character in your own RPG some day. Except not really.”
“Back in business, huh?”
“Well, I’ve had my fill of psychological trauma dives for now, so I’m ready for an opportunity to just punch stuff for a change.”
“I’m all for materia hunts. Especially if I can have them after you guys are done with whatever it is you’re doing with them.”
“Vincent, I… this might come as a surprise to you, but I’m actually kind of glad I’m out of that weird made-up past of mine.”
“Whatever, man. Tragedy can be a powerful driving force… if you’ll let it.”
“I’m… going to leave that sort of experience to you, drama boy.”
“As far as materia go, that’s more of an individual choice, since we need to find materia that suits our skills. We just have to make sure it fits our budget, whatever that might be at that very moment.”
“Sounds like you shoulda been the leader all along.”
“Nonono. I can’t do that.”
“I beg to differ.”
“Well, anyway, before we go for the huge materia, there’s one last thing I need to check out.”
“Oh?”
“Well, here we are. The ol’ lab.”
“And what are we doing here?”
“We’re going to rifle through some more of my memories, because boy howdy, was that fun when I did it in dreamspace.”
“So, what’s the downside?”
“The downside is that I’ll have all of you with me this time instead of just Tifa.”
“Ouch!”
“Ah, yes, I can see it all. Me and Zack floating in a tank, like the weirdest best buds ever, airsurfing on the updrift.”
“How do you float like that in a tank anyway, instead of… you know, slowly dropping to the ground?”
“How the hell should I know? I was unconscious.”
“And not a scientist.”
“Yes, but that’s not as important.”
“How?!”
“And they gave you food?! How did you eat that? With a side order of glowing goop water?”
“Yes.”
“You’re just screwing with us, aren’t you?”
“Yes. And how?”
“……..well?”
“Well, what?”
“How?”
“That’s for me to know and you to find out.”
“At any rate, once we escaped….”
“Escaped? You were unconscious.”
“Nah, we just pretended.”
“That musta been fun.”
“Not really. We were almost bored to death. Which Hojo considered to be part of the experiment.”
“I kind of know what that feels like.”
“Well, I’m glad we’re on an open platform right now, because oof, that smell.”
“Yeah, I’m glad too, that y’all are behind me. Thank the heavens I didn’t go for that front-loader truck.”
“That’s green goop for ya. And some vomit, but mostly green goop.”
“I’m… going to refrain from asking.”
“The gabber and the mute. Quite the duo.”
“Ooh, I like that. I think I’ll adapt it as a group name.”
“….that was meant as a jab, you smelly weirdos.”
“Well, I like it. So there!”
*sigh* “Are we there yet?”
“Why you asking me? You’re the driver.”
“I know.”
“Talking both while inhaling and exhaling? Running your mouth?”
“You give me too much credit. I haven’t mastered the art of talkign while inhaling yet.”
“I know I should be happy about that, but… nothing gets under your skin, and that upsets me.”
“Like… right now. Don’t wait. Jump right out of my car and find your future.”
“You know, I totally could. But no, I gotta think some more about this.”
*siiiiiigh*
“You got more brains than most other guys, and you end on ‘mercenary’? How can someone be this contradictory?”
“I guess I’m just that special.”
“Well, you’re ‘special’, no question about it.”
“Glad you recognize potential when you see it.”
*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*
“Yeah, I’m sure people will just throw tons of money at you when they figure out you’d be willing to do anything for it. That sort of desperation is worth its weight in gold.”
“See, Cloud? That guy gets it.”
“If I were you, I’d probably park myself in the busiest street in Midgar and put up a sign saying ‘pay me a million gil and I’ll stop talking for the rest of the day’.”
“Why would I want to do that? My wisdom is worth so much. I’m the smartest guy on this planet, after all.”
“Well, I’m willing to just about bankrupt myself if you’d just shut up!”
“No, no, no. This is the beginning of my new life. I can’t stop now. In fact, I can barely contain myself.”
“….speedlimits, schmeedschlimits. Hold on, gabbers and gents, because I’m going to break the speed of light and make it cry.”
“Oh God, it’s still not enough. I can still hear them.”
“I… I can finally see Midgar. My end… my end is close, I can feel it. And I welcome it.”
“Don’t worry, man. You’ll be as fine as we will be, I’m sure of it. The day you chose to pick up two strangers and give them a ride will mark your life in ways you would not think possible.”
“I can’t feel my legs.”
“And… well, as you can imagine, our new life didn’t turn out so good.”
“…..wow, OK…”
“Boy, do I feel better about my life decisions now.”
“I… uh, I’m a bit speechless.”
“And he even landed Aeris as a girlfriend? How did he manage that?!”
“Maybe she was one of the few who could make him shut up for more than five minutes.”
“How did you survive that drive?”
“I was a mental vegetable, remember?”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right. That musta helped.”
“I guess?”
“Well, good for you. I woulda shot you myself if I were in that officer’s place, but still, it’s a miracle you made it.”
“Yeah, I mean… my memories from back then are kinda fuzzy, but I sort of remember it as the slowest wake up process ever. Like… I’m not a morning person, but that one time was extraordinary in itself. And… well, as you all know, Zack’s continuous gabbing sort of overwrote my own past, as it were.”
“That’s a terrifying way of hypnotism.”
“Hojo must never learn of this.”
“And finally, let’s round up this exciting journey into my past by reading some reports.”
“Savin’ the best for last, huh?”
“I’m a regular number.”
“And they just gave up on looking for me too. That makes me doubly sad.”
“Well, they can regret that when we raid their underwater base and steal their huge materia.”
“Now dat’s a plan I can get behind. And then blow up.”
“Well, time to say farewell to this burned-out asspit of a town, with its prejudgemental adults and stupid kids.”
“…….”
“Including me.”
“Cloud….”
“It’s OK, Tifa. Live and learn, right?”
“Um… Cid, powerhouses aren’t really known for buzzin’ past, as you put it. If anything, they’d more likely buzz through instead.”
“Shut up and respect your elders!”
“And drink your goddamned tea!”
“Yes, dr-..hey!”
“With lard?”
*sigh* “Kids today…”
“And now that we’ve helped ourselves to this Enemy Skill materia, what say you we strike up a conversation with the resident of this fine home.”
“Why? So you can teach him some manners?”
“Damn, that was like…. two insults in one fine line. You’ve done this before, haven’t you?”
“I concur. I think we should appoint Cid to be our ambassador of public relations and goodwill.”
“And a nice counter from Cloud. The battle is heating up.”
“…well, that’s lenghty solitudes for ya.”
“That’s crazy for ya!”
“Ssssh.”
“Well…. uh, maybe I shouldn’t talk, given what I just experienced myself.”
“Nah, I think this has more to do with senility, to be honest.”
“Is it just me, or does he kind of look like the nyum nyum guy from the temple of the andients?”
“…..”
“Wait, does that mean when we had the whole thing shrunk, which crushed Cait Sith’s original body, they also….”
“Uh… better not dwell on that, I think.”
“It’s… blue?”
“Yeah. I mean… we’ve only seen yellow ones so far. There’s gotta be an explanation behind this, right?”
“Well, if this guy can’t help us, I can think of someone who can.”
“Oh, Grandpa. Good thinking.”
“Well, he’s got the answer to life, the universe and everything, so…..”
“Let’s go to the Space Room.”
“The what now? Are you doing drugs?”
“Well, we might have some loco weed.”
“Um… yes, but… blue chocobo.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Grandpaaaaa.”
“Well, we won’t be getting any answers to our quandry here, methinks.”
“Oh, look at our master orator reinventing himself from the ground up.”
“Well…. it’s a longshot, but what about the town that… uh… the town… where’s the town?”
“C’mon, man, didn’t you get back to being yourself again here? How could you forget?”
“Well, I’m sorry for still being a bit thrown off right after it happened. It wasn’t a particularly fun time, you know.”
“Cloud….”
“I’m fine. Just mildly annoyed. And a bit stumped about the state of this place.”
“Well… when lifestream meets Ultima Weapon….”
“We… really should check if people are OK.”
“….these people are taking the complete destruction of their village rather well.”
“I know. I mean… I like a nice hotspring as much as the next girl, but….”
“Do they float, though?”
“Yes.”
“….well, that was a disappointingly tame reaction.”
*shrug* “I know you don’t really care about sizes.”
“Are you girls done?”
“Sheesh, kids today….”
“It’s been far too long since my last explosion. I’m starting to experience withdrawal symptoms.”
“Figures I’d end up with the largest group of wooden planks in this world. Me; who love pranking and teasing people.”
“Um… this is the lifestream, not a black hole.”
“If anything, he should be in his own past at his own making, living the nightmare of his past mistakes and failures.”
“Cloud….”
“I’m fine.”
“I’m… not so sure about that.”
“You sure are relaxed, no question about it.”
“In fact, these guys just sitting calm and collected in the middle of what amounts to a pile of driftweed is weirdly enough the best advertising for rest and relaxation.”
“Or anarchy.”
“Erm… anarchy is a bit more violent than that. Ironically enough.”
“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘ennui’.”
“Well… if you ignore the weirdly happy look on their faces, yeah.”
“Either way, I both regret coming here and I’m glad I did.”
“Erm…. are we shopping for wood? Do we need any fine lumber?”
“Listen to Master Beatin here. If anyone knows how to work it, he’d be the man.”
“I’ll… leave you boys to your work, then. Besides, I don’t think I want to see this.”
“I thought you girls were into that yaoi thing.”
“Uh…. computer says ‘no’.”
“I am, but it’s weird when it has your friends in it. Besides, I… don’t want Cloud to be gay.”
“Wussat?”
“Nothing! Nope. Nothing at all.”
“I… know. But what is that about being unhappy? I mean… everyone here except you are acting as if they’re all on happy pills. What’s up with that?”
“I haven’t given them anything. What are you insinuating?”
“Nothing, jeez. Look, I’ve spent a lot of time here, yet I remember nothing. Well…. you know, aside from my journey into my past.”
“Which we strictly didn’t experience here anyway.”
“But we’ve already… wait, but… what about the huge materia. What about the blue chocobo?!”
“And clearly, I need to adjust the dosage.”
“What dosage? What the hell are you talking about?”
“Will the mystery of the blue chocobo ever be discovered, or will it be left in the annals of forgotten lore? In the grand importance of everything, would the lure of the chocobo distract from the survival of the world?”
“Well, we started this wild goosechase, so I think we should end it as well.”
“I think the Chocobo would be offended by being called a goose.”
“Yes, they’re more like a weird cross between a chicken and an ostrich.”
“And you call me rude.”
“We… didn’t, though.”
“Oh. That’s right.”