Chapter 24: Train Puncher and the Giant Bird on Fire Tower Assault.
“Wait, where are the pedals?”
“Uh….”
“Where is the steering wheel?!”
“It’s a train!”
“Are you saying trains can’t have steering wheels?”
“I… what… well, sure, you can put a steering wheel on the locomotive if that makes you happy, but there’s no point in doing that when a train is an on-rails experience! Why do we even have to tell you this?!”
“Kids today. You have no vision.”
“That doesn’t excuse anything. You are wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. And stupid.”
*sigh* “I thought the steering wheel request was stupid, but we have a locomotive with pump action?”
“The train that doubles as an exercise machine.”
“Bet you won’t find this on the TV shop.”
“Well, before you can use it, you have to build the tracks the train runs on!”
“Which is also exercise.”
“So is slapping you across your stupid gob every time you open it and say something stupid.”
“I know this train is all rollercoaster-y as heck, but I somehow doubt you can build up the kind of speed that can make this huge block of steel fly.”
“Of course not. What? Do I look like I’m stupid?”
“No, you just sound like you are, which is far more sinister and dangerous, Mr. I Wanna Go To Space.”
“Shinra made a machine whose sole role is releasing smog?!”
“What are they? Captain Planet villains?”
“Greased lightning? I thought that was a fistfight thing.”
“What are you? Double the amount of games forward in time?”
“Hey, I ain’t starrin’ in no stupid online experience.”
“Yeah, that’d be the day. Maybe you’d be a nice older man in it.”
“Pfft. As if that would ever happen.”
“Not in our lifetime, no.”
“So anyway, what kind of weird mini train are we running on?”
“I heard it ran on some pretty rollercoaster-y tracks too, but this is pretty straight, isn’t it?”
“Maybe we took a turn into sensible valley somewhere, because yes, they were. So very much. So very sinus-wave-y.”
“Aw. And I wanted to see Mr. Yanks His Sticks doing his thing on the up-and-down.”
“You have a dirty, filthy mind and I love you all.”
“While I’d normally appreciate hearing that, any love proclamation from you just sounds like incantations for ending the world.”
“That does indeed look like a very heavy sword. This is not false advertising.”
“Well, I am over the moon about this.”
“Or barely reaching it.”
“I am the king of overreaching.”
“And speaking of accuracy in advertising….”
“Eagle Gun. It’s an Eagle that’s also a Gun. What about that is hard to understand?”
“Nothing. Nothing about that is hard to understand. We just found it amusing until Mr. Statler Waldorf decided to chime in apropos of nothing anyone ever said.”
“Hilariously tiny locomotive in view.”
“And how would you know anything about hilarity? You do not understand the concept of funny, even on an elementary level.”
“And the Shinra people jumped off. Which sounds kinda tempting right now.”
“Hey, I’m not having any young whippersnappers jumping ship…”
“It’s a train.”
“And it’s also an expression. Now, shaddup and listen to my lecture.”
“Stop train first, then lecture.”
“Nope! Lecture preceeds everything.”
“Even in the face of planetary destruction?”
“Even in the face of planetary destruction.”
“How about in the face of planetary distraction?”
“I have no clue what you’re even talking about.”
“Well, let’s take this moment to stop the train, then.”
“Oh, fine. I swear… kids today…”
“Well… yanking some levers got us here, so yanking some levers should get us out of this as well.”
“Is it alright if I ask you not to get us all killed?”
“No!”
“Oh, come on! Be reasonable.”
“I’m old. I don’t have time to be reasonable.”
“Everyone has time to be reasonable. Even when they’re on a speeding, tiny death train.”
“I guess this works as an anti-theft function for Shinra trains.”
“What? Mindless, all-destroying pettiness and screw-you’s?”
“Yep.”
“Sounds like them, yeah.”
“Shut up, you’re distracting me. Now, which way was up again?”
“YOU’RE GOING TO GET US ALL KILLED!”
“Oh, right. I was pulling levers, wasn’t I?”
“Would you please take this seriously?”
“Hey, no reason to be rude.”
“I BEG TO DIFFER!”
“We’re approaching Corel and we haven’t even slowed down a whit. STEP ON THE DAMN BRAKES!”
“HOOUAAAAAAARGH!”
“You wouldn’t have said that, had you been on the little toy train with us.”
“Yes, he would.”
“No, he wouldn’t.”
“Hey, no ganging up on me.”
“We had to. Your old man crankiness would’ve been the end of us.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t these the guys who ostracised Barret because… uh, he approved of the Shinra Power plant, like… oh, everyone else except Dyne?”
“They blamed him for the explosion, not the power plant.”
“But wasn’t it the power plant that actually exploded?”
“Yes.”
“But how does that… how does that science?”
“I dunno. Why don’t we ask the guy who wanted to sell Shinra a regular rock?”
“And speaking of rocks….”
“The rock is indeed amazing, yes, so thank you for not selling it to Shinra.”
“Also, scars are something you get when wounds have healed. If we had anything from the battles a few hours ago, it’d be gashes. Or bruises.”
“I am Scarman.”
“And I am going to murder you if you ever make me try to imagine your naked body again. And then I’ll report you to the nearest humanitarian organisation for inhumane methods of torture.”
“That is the tackiest building I have ever seem.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Well… yeah, it’s a bit garish, isn’t it?”
“A bit garish? It looks like a bootleg Golden Saucer.”
“So… are we gonna burn that place down?”
“No, we’re going to enter it.”
“…….why?”
“So… we’re not fighting these Shinra soldiers trying to raid this cheapass popstand?”
“No, we’re hiring troops and deciding where they go and what they do.”
“……why?!”
“I feel like I’m a part of the weirdest sandbox game ever. And I mean like… a real sandbox game. With shovels and kids holding toy cars and going ‘brlbrlbrlbrlbrlbrl’.”
“And cheap toys?”
“Yep.”
“Hey, you won’t see me fingerpointing over that.”
“And his heart grew several sizes that day.”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“So, is there any point to this?”
“…….”
“Hehe. ‘Point’? Get it? Because the finger-”
“YESWEKNOWSHUTUP!”
“Phooey! It’s not fun when you two team up on me.”
“Well, how do you think that feels for me?!”
“Yes, how do you thi… HEY!”
“What? Did you realize you were wrong?”
“Um… I don’t think that’s it.”
“Did you hear that?”
“The guy going ‘aaargh’? Yes I heard that.”
“THE EGG’S GONNA BLOW!”
“OH MY GOD RUN FOR YOUR LI-..what?!”
“See? You didn’t believe me, and now the night has gone and it’s a sunny day.”
“OK, now I’m just lost. More lost than when I was in my rocket that only had one exit. Lost, lost, lost.”
“Are you seriously going to just stand there like a lazy Chad?”
“HE WAS FROZEN TODAY!”
“By who? Phoenix? How does that make any sense?”
“If that is a Phoenix, I’m a fat chocobo.”
“And if that is a fat chocobo, what does that make you?”
“Goddamned Cid, that’s who!”
“Keepin’ it real, huh?”
“Damn straight!”
“HE’S JUST DOWN THOSE STAIRS, YOU LAZY BAS-..”
“Cid, let it go. It’s not worth it.”
“That view must be amazing.”
“Oh, right. That’s why we came here and did all of this.”
“Big McLargeHuge materia.”
“You call that a condor? I call that the largest rubber ducky in the world, and watching it move was… kinda unsettling.”
“I think he’s being this reasonable just to troll us, because I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now.”
“I know, right? Do you remember when we met him?”
“Oh, I do. Most awkward tea party ever. Poor woman.”
“HEY! Don’t you ruin my moment.”
“Yeah, why would I put in the effort when you can do that so well on your own. I sure learned my lesson today.”
“Oh, shaddup.”
“Yes, we must get to the SHINRA BASE before SHINRA does. You got a good head on your shoulders, Red. You do have shoulders, right?”
“Now there is the Cid we know and…. know.”
“Um… OK. We have to hurry, but we should go see Cloud. We need to get to the Shinra base before Shinra, but we have time for this.”
“I can’t help it. We have to abide by the rule of time in our worlds. Thing are never going to happen until we actually get there.”
“And you’re being all nice again. Or were you planning on serving tea when we got there?”
“Maybe, but what about you two? Did you both go to a big asshole sale or something?”
“Ass on sale? I’d like to see that, come to think of it. Makes for a pretty hilarious mental image. Just think of the shelves.”
“Well, anyway, let’s head over. I shall fear no tea.”
“I’ve not heard of a town called ‘That Far-off Town’. Do you have the geolocation? Can you show me on Boogle Map? Any Snaprat shots of the town? Are you on Basehook?”
“Cid, are you drunk?”
“On your own tea?”
“Did you put lard in it?”
“Pfft, hee hee.”
“Wait, what? Why did you just raid his coffers and take his stuff?”
“I’m a hero. I’m allowed to.”
“…is this part of the whole mechanic you keep talking about?”
“And he’s fine with it?!”
“See? It’s OK.”
“No, it’s not! You just lucked out by encountering someone who is weirdly fine with it!”
“Don’t be jelly. When you get old, you can do anything you want.”
“Did we come at a bad time?”
“We’ll… uh, we’ll come back later.”
“Yeah, we’ll be right next door, having some… tea.”
“With lard?”
“I’d rather not that, if you don’t mind.”
“…Monty Python’s Fl-..”
“Not now!”
“The lifestream is… what are we living on? A planet that’s basically a water balloon filled with lifestream juice?”
“That’s kinda gross, but fine. Let’s go with that. Now, get back to your tea. With lard.”
“Ew, that’s gross.”
“YOU WERE THE ONE ASKING! Well… it is gross, I’m not saying it isn’t, but….”
“Seriously, watch me good, because I have the awesomest running animation.”
“What kept ya?”
“I had to make sure Tifa watched me run over here.”
“Uh, OK? And also make sure she heard all the filth coming out of your mouth?”
“The PG-rated filth?”
“The PG-rated fiddlesticks.”
“Boy, that really is a Flying Circus, isn’t it?”
“Let’s poke it in the groin.”
“Hey, pawse that thought for a second.”
“Can we wing this one?”
“It ran away.”
“Goodbye, Sir Robin. May angels lull your head to sleep. Or was it fairies?”
*shrug* “I ‘unno.”
“We’re all a bunch of romantics, aren’t we?”
“Yeah, a few more lethal puns, and he would have self-destructed.”
“Damn you, survival instinct.”
“Why d’ya have to jinx us? Why not go ‘things couldn’t possibly get any worse’ while you’re at it.”
“…….”
“What?!”
“Do you hear me? Run for your life.”
“But Cloud is still in a wheelchair.”
“Well, then run and wheelchair for your life, then. Do I have to tell you everything?”
“Yes.”
“…..uh, I didn’t expect that answer.”
“Unless the lifestream makes the whole planet pop like a rotten grape, though. Then we’re all screwed.”
“Well…. I guess I’ll be making some wheelies, then. Later, Doc.”
“Like… right now. Top speed. Revving up as we speak. Did we release the wheelchair breaks? Because it’s slammer time. Set the cruise control for cool. Because we are outta here.”
“….aaaaaany time now.”
“OH CRAP I SHOULDA SPENT LESS TIME TALKING, AND MORE TIME RUNNING!”
“Duuur.”
“I REGRET NOTHING!”
“….”
“Wait, no, I regret everything!”
“……”
“Cloud, I’m sorry. I knew I shouldn’t have stalled so much, but… Cloud? Are you there? Cloud?! Cloud Cloud Cloud Cloud Cloud!”
“How could this happen to me?! I made my mistakes, got nowhere to run….”
“…..”
“Literally.”
“Where is Tifa? As if caught in the easiest game of ‘Where’s Waldo’ ever, Tifa finds herself in a world of blackness. How does one make the Lifestream-challenged wake up? Where does that journey take you? And will Tifa appreciate the experience?”
“Boy, Cloud… your subconscious is really something, isn’t it? Makes me wonder what mine would look like.”
“…………..”
“On second thought, I don’t think I want to jump down that particular rabbit hole. I’m not sure I want to know myself that well.”