Chapter 22: Executive Decision….. Failed.
“Oh lordy, the drooling vegetable is looking at me.”
“…..”
“Wait, how do you know my name? And why do you look so familiar?”
“Duuuurh!”
“LOOK familiar, that is, emphasis on ‘look’. Except the expression with ‘dur’ written all over it.”
“I… uh, dunno. Something about ‘dur’?”
“Cool! Amnesia is so hot.”
“Well, I do have a little bit of amnesia.”
“Score!”
“Five looooong years. The longest in my life. And you’re bigger than I thought.”
“….um, what?”
“You’ve grown so tall. I’m impressed.”
“….oh.”
“Why are you sounding so disappointed?”
“…nuth’n.”
“But no time to go into any of that now.”
“Aw, why not?”
“Even things that you shouldn’t and I shouldn’t that you did know about. And the stuff I knew about but you didn’t that you should know about. And the things neither of us knew about that you didn’t know about….”
“Um… but wouldn’t that last one be very logical, though?”
“Yes.”
“And hug you and hold you and pet you and groom you and…”
“Yikes! Please stop.”
“And… and… why?”
“Because ding.”
“Ding?”
“Ding.”
“But what about the ding?”
“Again: huh?”
“The ding. You know? The ding?!”
“I know you’ve been out for a couple ‘o days, but you’re acting weird, even by Tifa standards.”
“That was… the last word I remember.”
“I… don’t wanna know what the first word was.”
“Well, this would be a pretty sucky story if he was, right?”
“Yyyyyeah.”
“Then he can do a damn thing about it.”
“Are you fresh out of damn things?”
“Yep. Not as much as a stick of dynamite with my name on it.”
“….of course you don’t.”
“The Pokeman rampage.”
“Well, we can laugh, but Cloud has disappeared and things are kind of falling to pieces. Are we all doomed to be helpless without him?”
“I dunno.”
“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.”
“Is he huge?”
“……”
“Get it? He’s huge, so he must have-..”
“YES I KNOW LET’S NOT GO THERE!”
“You know, you might have a point. Meteor might be able to destroy weapon.”
“No, that’s not what I…” *sigh* “Meteor will destroy everything! Including, yes, Weapon too.”
“Well, that’s that, then. Problem solved.”
“…I was wondering what was up with the sudden burst of intelligence, but maybe it was just all in my head.”
“I think we should give up giving up. You know what I’m saying?”
“…dunno.”
“Yeah, I thought you’d say that.”
“So, you’re going to let us go?”
“In a way.”
“You what?”
“We’re going to execute you to make the ignorant ones happy. Do you have a problem with this?”
“Yes. Several.”
“Can I explode him now?”
“Why? You offering your neck for my wringing hand?”
“Of course not. Don’t be silly.”
“Hyuk hyuk hyuk.”
“……”
“……..”
“Heidegger, please go back to your old laughing.”
“Oh, come on. Let me fire the CANNON just once.”
“No.”
“Oh, please.”
“No!”
“Pretty please?”
“No!!”
“Pretty, pretty please?”
“NO!”
“Pretty please with a hemorrhoid cherry on top?”
“No! Also, ew!”
“I know I said reality TV is gonna be the next big thing, but this wasn’t what I had in mind.”
“Well, this isn’t TV for the mind either, but I thought I already established that.”
“And once we have gotten rid of people who don’t like our TV shows, we can truly say that everyone loves it.”
“But wouldn’t that just leave you guys?”
“If that’s what it takes. More for me.”
“Wow, you must be the brains of this operation.”
“I am, and I know just how to put you in your place.”
“This is your special gas chamber, huh? Am I going to die from you sitting in the corner and applying your cheapass perfumes until I choke?”
“Yeah, you just keep throwing out the insults. I’m going to look forward to hearing them being replaced by gasps.”
“Nah, I’ve long since stopped being surprised at you trying to look like you’re about as old as I am.”
“Stuck up %&”#ยค%.”
“Well, I am stuck with you right now, and someone had the foresight to tie up my legs as well as my arms, so I can’t exactly stick my foot up your ass. So you’re going to do all the sticking up here.”
“Why are you not afraid? You should be very afraid?”
“Normally, I would be pretty worried, but… it’s you. Every time I see you in that dress, wearing that face makeup and those perfumes… well, let’s just say I feel much better about my damsel fantasies.”
“Pfft, you’re not half the woman I am.”
“Well, we’re about equal in the chest size department, I guess. That’s something, right?”
“Urgh! While I am proud of my chest, hearing you say that still makes me angry. Although I know of a thing I can do about that.”
“Oh, for the love of…..”
“I never thought I’d be happy to see that thing.”
“Well, I can still have my fun with this.”
“I feel… powerful. Oh, it’s a glorious feeling. Finally, I have you all here, and you’re going to learn how to grovel before your mistress before it all is over.”
“And will bowing be involved?”
“Oh, good idea. I’d love that.”
“I FEEL LIKE THE JOKE IS ON ME SOMEHOW!”
“But you were right, Scarlet. That was fun.”
“Gnnngh!”
“Not too fond of Rufus either, to be honest, and don’t get me started on Heidegger or Hojo….”
“Then why are you working for them?!”
“Well, it was either that, or running around with a bunch of idiots and blowing up power stations. I hear there’s openings in the coal mines now, though.”
“Oh, a smartass, huh?”
“Yep. That’s why I work in an office rather than in the explosions division. Anyway, aren’t we in a hurry? I don’t think even Tifa can handle Scarlet’s perfumes for much longer.”
“Screw… you…”
“I never want to hear you talking about firing your big cannon ever again.”
“Prepare the big bullets.”
“I swear… if I hear the sound of zippers being opened, I’m going to shoot you myself.”
“You don’t have to make this weird!”
“I don’t have to make this weird? You…. you….”
“Just look at the size of that thing. It is glorious!”
“I need a vacation. Or a new commander of the forces. But mostly a vacation.”
“Aim for its face!”
“WILL YOU JUST STOP?!”
“But we have to, or it’ll be all over us. The whole city will be splashed.”
“You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”
“It’s gonna eat all the seamen.”
“I’m going to fire you if you don’t stop. And I’m going to use the giant gun to do it.”
“Ooh, that felt so good.”
“Ruling the world is going to be… harder than I thought.”
“Well, that was quite something.”
“I kind of feel like we missed something, though.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. And for some reason, I feel like I’m really lucky today. Weird, right?”
“Right.”
“And speaking of knots, you’re going to find yourself in many pretty soon, Heidegger.”
“Tell all soldiers to fire.”
“At least you didn’t say ‘seamen’.”
“No, the fun part comes afterwards.”
“Look at those beautiful patterns. I am so glad to be alive right now.”
“That just makes me wonder why you kept pushing your luck.”
“BOY, THIS SURE IS EXCITING, ISN’T IT?!”
“I’m feeling considerably less lucky now.”
“Well, just think of the things you didn’t get to experience. That makes it all better, right?”
“Uh… not really.”
“Did… did Weapon just headbutt Junon in the cojones? And do we refer to the city’s testicles as ‘Cojujones’?”
“Yes and please don’t.”
“I mean… what do you think I’ve been doing so far? Don’t make me so annoyed, I have to quip at you. That just quickens my doom!”
“Then don’t.”
“Don’t what? Hold my breath?”
“No, I meant… gah!”
“Well, I guess Tifa’s gonna have to save herself, then.”
“Yep yep.”
“You jerks!”
“Looking into saving you, you idiots!”
“Well, we need to save Tifa.”
“And to do that, we need to steal an airship.”
“That sounds like a rescue plan designed by committee. Too many needless filler points designed to impress an audience.”
“I plead the fifth.”
“YOU COMING OR WHAT?!”
“She’s screwed, isn’t she?”
“No, no, no. This’ll be great.”
“……”
“I’ll always remember you, big boobs lady.”
“My name! Is! TIFA!”
“The airship isn’t here.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“Tifa’s doomed, isn’t she?”
“Uh… this is the elevator. We take it up to the airship.”
“Hey, don’t blame me. I’ve never been here before.”
“How…. how did you guys survive this long?”
“I just recently joined, so… no idea.”
“Well, we’re short on time, so let’s whip out the big guns.”
“Why are we standing on a floating platform?”
“I don’t know. Where did our enemies go?”
“I don’t know. What will happen now?”
“I don’t know.”
“Oh dear lord. We’re screwed, aren’t we?”
“I just want you to know… I’ve always loved you.”
“I… don’t know what to say.”
“GOOD BYE, MY FRIEND!”
“I LOVE YOU TOOooo-”
“Well… I feel terrible about myself now.”
“Maybe that’s the reason we’ve been brought before the giant gun barrel.”
“I will always remember you, lovable soldier boys.”
“Uh… guys, the airship is right there. Weren’t we going to take it?”
“Look at all those soldiers. We won’t be getting out of this alive, I think.”
“We’ll be having our last stand here, at this point.”
“Guys, the airship is right over here!”
“I’m so glad I had the chance to redeem myself before this.”
“I wonder if people will remember us.”
“I’ll remember you two as the biggest idiots I’ve ever met. Now get on the airship, or I’ll laser you both to death with another round of Giga Flare.”
“Oof, I need to get out of this dreary and smelly perfume room before I choke. I mean… I know that letting this gas out of this room will probably not be good for the auditorium right next to it, but screw that noise.”
“……….”
“Well, I guess I can’t really depend on Barret and Cait Sith, so… whose help can I depend on to get me out of this?”
“Whoa, what was that?”
“….”
“Wait, was I just saved by Weapon?!”
“…..”
“I am so never going to let Barret live that down.”
“Well… that’s an opening. Never mind me, then.”
*sigh* “Christ, I’m never going to be able to rid me of this serious action girl image. I just wanted to damsel once in my life. I have to know the appeal of this. Aeris was too sassy for this, and Yuffie is too mischievous. It has to be me. Mild-mannered me. Yep yep.”
“Sister Ray? That’s the dumbest name ever. Who came up with that?”
“Are you still on about that? What is it with you and your reality TV fetish?”
“They’re cheap to make and I love them.”
“Waaaait, you’re the one who named this big phallic cannon, aren’t you?”
“Of course. A big gun needs a big name.”
“You just keep on surprising me. Just as I think you couldn’t possibly be any more stupid….”
“No, you stop it!”
“No, you stop it!”
“You will respect my authoritae.”
“I will never respect anything you do, ever. You leave me no other choice.”
“I can’t believe she won the bitchslap competition. She must’ve had so much practice.”
“Yeah, you just deal with that. Also, it’s ‘Run to the end of the SISTER RAY’!”
“……”
“Wait, what? Who said that?”
“C’mon over and give your rescuers a big hug.”
“Does that include Weapon?!”
“Man, there’s no reason to be like that. How could we possibly beat the potency of Scarlet’s tacky perfumes in time without a little luck?”
“Never mind. I’d rather not stand on Scarlet’s phallic gun longer than I have to.”
“Hey! ‘Sister Ray’ is a great name, and you know it.”
“…what? That sounds stupid.”
“See? When even Barret thinks your name is stupid, it really, really is.”
“Oh, shaddup! And kill them all already.”
“C’mon, Tifa. Chase the end of that rope.”
“Jump, Tifa. Jump!”
*sigh* “There go my damsel dreams. Tifa, action girl forever and ever.”
“You should be ashamed for the sake of all women everywhere.”
“That might be correct, but you are seriously the last person I ever want to hear that from. Well, anyway, you failed to kill us. Bye bye, and I hope you have terrible luck in finding someone else to blame for no reason.”
“And good bye, Junon, home of the Sister Ray and its Cojunones.”
“…you heard that, didn’t you?”
“Yep.”
“But that’s such a stupid term.”
“Hey, I was standing on the Sister Ray just now. Your argument is invalid.”
“Curses!”
“Happy ending, everyone. Tifa escaped. Barret and Cait Sith escaped. Even Yuffie, who really has the best survival skills of everyone here, escaped. But from this reality, there is no escape.”
“I’ll say. You two just kept slapping each other across the gob for ten minutes!”
“Wait, you saw the whole thing? And did nothing?”
“Well, can you blame us? You just kept slapping each other in the exact same manner. We couldn’t take our eyes away from the spectacle.”
“Yeah! Aren’t you a martial artist, Tifa? I mean… I’m a ninja, so I would know. And you really should be able to kick her ass without much trouble.”
“Maybe normally, but I’ve been breathing her perfumes for an agonizing amount of time. I’m still kinda high, in fact, so pass me the coal tablets and shut up for a second.”