Chapter 21: The Master Troll and the Sick Burn.
“The… uh, illusion. Well, this is, obviously, but….”
“…but?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“That’s a pretty big nothing.”
“Let’s just… let’s just go.”
“I mean… I wouldn’t want to be caught dead with that hairstyle. Who does he think he is? Son Goku the sayiajin?”
“You chose to leave it at one spike?”
“Yep, poking out at a jaunty angle, as if to say ‘I’m hep and with it’.”
“You’re such a gasser.”
“You promised not to talk about that!”
“No, I meant… ew. I mean… oh, never mind.”
“Stupid Sephiroth and his stupid illusion. It’s so stupid.”
“Stupid fire. Stupid deaths happening all around us. Stupid past.”
“And there comes stupid Son Goku and his stupid sayiajin powers. Stupid boy and his stupid popularity with girls.”
“I bet he’s already got a girlfriend too.”
“Stupid!”
“This is going so well.”
“It’s just stupid lies from stupid Sephiroth.”
“It’s like a stupid-off. There are no winners here.”
“Hah, I know, right?!”
“…….”
“Well, you’re WRONG! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Stupid!”
“Yes, yes, but I’m not the one lying to myself.”
“Shut up, stupid!”
“There has to be a reason why this feels the most wrong to me, out of the three of us.”
“Hey, I’m enjoying myself immensely. How could this feel wrong to me?”
“Because you’re the troll in this little story, regardless of what’s true or not.”
“And we’re back to this again.”
“But I have been good at making you dance to my tune, haven’t I? Pulled your pretty little strings?”
“You’re still a huge troll.”
“Well, this job’s gotta have some perks. You know, beyond the mind control, the awesome physical powers and the ability to end you all by magical space rock. It takes effort being this awesome, you know.”
“Cloud, we really should stop listening to him. Seriously. It’s not going to do any good.”
“I’m so going to show him up by revealing that I was there all along, just you wait.”
“That’s… a good idea, Cloud.”
“I don’t even want to think about what you consider ‘appropriate behavior’, you massive psychopath. I think only you are deluded enough to stand in the middle of a town you set on fire and have the audacity to lecture me about proper behavior.”
“What? U mad?”
*sigh* “No, not anymore. I’ll still stab the everloving crap out you when we finally meet, though.”
“Nuh uh. I can control you whenever I feel like it. I can control your arm, punch you in your stupid face and say ‘stop hitting yourself’ every time I do it.”
“Urrrgh, how can someone be this trolly?”
“My ‘real’ self. Right. The person you called a puppet. Which is rich, considering you yourself are full of Jenova cells from birth. Which, according to Dr. Gast’s video series, is the calamity from space, and is nothing but a hottub of lies and assholery.”
“Oh, you have no idea how much antagonisation material I can get from this. No idea.”
“Oh, come ON! The guy makes animal porn on the side, and his idea of ‘making’ someone is having them mate with big cats. I don’t believe for a second that he can put people together, ‘piece by piece’, and then come out on the other end looking good… either figuratively and literally.”
“That’s partially why it’s going to be so much fun seeing his reaction.”
“Well, he’s your dad.”
“………”
“What? Get under your skin?”
“You did. I’m so proud of you, boy.”
“I swear… every time you open your goddamned mouth, I die a little inside. Even when you don’t say anything, I die a little inside.”
“Seriously, the best way to deal with Sephiroth is to block him out.”
“And you’re not very good at it, are you?”
“I’m… rrrgh… working on that.”
“Deep breaths, Cloud. Deep breaths.”
“If it’s all the same, I’d rather not listen to anything you say.”
“What are you afraid of? The truth?”
“No, just that anything you have to say is going to be bad for us, whether it’s the truth or not. Sometimes, the best course of action is to not play the game. Now, begone.”
“Which would be great if Sephiroth didn’t prefer it that way, but he does. Being in his presence is bad news. Listening to him is a bad idea. In fact, anything revolving around Sephiroth is not going to go anywhere good.”
“I beg to differ.”
“For anyone else. The world doesn’t revolve around you.”
“Not yet, but it will. Soon now…”
“Rrrgh! Why don’t I take my own advice. I need to go beyond ‘do what I say, not what I do’ myself.”
“It’s so much easier not to believe.”
“And more depressing, to be honest. Do we want to live in a world where everyone acts like they’re too cool to care about anything? Is that the trend you want to set?”
“……”
“Ooh, that’s a good one. Nice work, Tifa.”
“…….”
“Even if I turn out to be a clone, like that wouldn’t be the dumbest plot twist ever….”
“Heh. Three brothers who aren’t brothers.”
“Hey! You are not allowed to enjoy yourselves. I forbid it!”
“Um… I just said I trusted you, and you’re all ‘No, that’s not true’. That’s…. are you you familiar with how personal statements work? Or are you calling me a liar?”
“No, I mean, yes. I mean… I know you trust me, but…. maybe you shouldn’t. But you should. Oh, what am I saying….”
“Well, let’s stand around in this burning hellhole a bit more, then. Take your time.”
“Um… let’s not.”
“Uh… yeah, no. I’m calling BS on that. What am I; a walking slime monster? A doppelganger?”
“Well… yes.”
“And this is why I don’t believe anything you say. Why don’t you return to the stuff you’re good at: being a giant troll.”
“Good idea.”
“I have a name. It’s Cloud. The name stays.”
“Well, he’s back to being a troll.”
“Which you requested… for some odd reason.”
“I regret nothing.”
“Ah, but you will. Soon, my pretty. Soon.”
“Of course it is, Cloud. Of course it is. Anything that doesn’t support your fragile, little illusion must be fake.”
“And there is the old Sephiroth we all know and love.”
“I could almost hear the sarcasm detectors explode from all around.”
“Yep. Black-haired guy. Sephiroth has learned how to use Photoshop. I’m so proud of you.”
“Well, I haven’t learned how to Photoshop my own memories yet, though, so I still pale in comparison to you.”
“Oh man, this is going to get so awkward later on.”
“Well, memories can be vague sometimes, but I definitely remember the things that happened here.”
“Urrrgh!”
“What?!”
“Just checking if you were listening.”
“……”
“I was just joking. And… you know, checking.”
“Uuuuurgh!”
“You OK? I mean… am I OK? What’s going on?”
“The nightmare became reality MOUHAHAHAHA!”
“Nobody is alright after a meeting with… ‘the Sephiroth’.”
“Nobody will ever be alright after dealing with a person who introduces themselves with the word ‘the’ in front of their own name. That takes a certain level of obnoxiousness few people can mirror.”
“Still dry as a stick, Hojo. Remind me why we keep you in-house.”
“My magnificent porn collection?”
“What?! Ew, no! That… actually put you higher on my list of people I need to fire. Preferably at, with the biggest gun in my possession.”
“What do you mean ‘moving inside a wall’?”
“Science has made hollowed-out walls that you can move inside. It’s a huge step forward for science.”
“How… why… oh, man, my trigger finger is itching right now.”
“Well, it looks like I’m not the only one who has an itchy trigger finger.”
“You should have some children, Mr. President. It’d change your outlook on a lot of things. I have some subjects in my lab if you need a suitable mate.”
“Well, given who your son ended up being, maybe what I need now is a good reason why I shouldn’t just shoot you right away, you creepy, creepy man.”
“Because you still need my scientific research and abilities?”
*siiiigh* “Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Anyway….”
“They’re all in my lab for you to see any time you want to.”
“But to do that, I need to go to your lab, and I can never manage to do that without needing to shower for hours afterwards.”
“I knew I wanted us to go green, but not this literally.”
“Well, I’m not happy about any of this. I can’t make sense of any of it.”
“Oh, uh… just a sec.”
“There we go.”
“Wait, did you just…. how did that… what just happened?
“No time to think, Cloud’s in trouble.”
“Works for me. It’s Boom time!”
“You stupid, stupid man. The only downside to you is that you’re not as fun to mock, as it’d fly right over your head. Well, can’t win ’em all, I guess.”
“I feel so empty. Well, I’ve always felt empty. That’s amnesia for ya, I guess. But a weird kind of amnesia.”
“What is it with people weirding me out today? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m almost missing Reeves.”
“What am I? Chopped liver?”
“No, not yet.”
“Don’t you start eyeballing my staff, you huge weirdo.”
“Au contraire, Mr. Cloud. Things have been beginning for some time now. But boy howdy, you are not acting like I remember you back on the Shinra roof. You OK, there, buddy? I’d hate for anything to… affect you when I put you before my gun.”
“That sounds swell. But I’m afraid time is out, and now you shall all pay.”
“I’m sure it’ll all be fine from here.”
“You won’t just hand it right over to Sephiroth? You know, like last time?”
“Of course not. Do you not trust me?”
“Well, we had our big ranty moment in the dreamworld or whatever, but man, you’re acting even weirder right now.”
“Glad I’m not the only one who noticed. Even though I’ve met him once, and for a short one minute fight at that.”
“We’re almost at the end of the beginning and end thing I mentioned. Soon, it’ll all be over.”
“Well, I’m beginning to have some concerns over this.”
*sigh* “Yes, I’m afraid we will.”
“Well… time to move this story along.”
“And I find this endlessly amusing. In a scientific way, that is.”
“Please give me your number.”
“Ew!”
“What’s going on?”
“I wish I knew. Kids today…”
“No, you don’t.”
“Why?”
“Because there are darker things hiding in these rabbit holes.”
“But there was a person named Cloud that joined Shinra, and who used to live in that ramshackle town that Sephiroth burned down that I can’t be bothered remembering the name of.”
“Yes.”
“I’m so glad I completely understand everything that comes out of your mouth.”
“So… basically, you just jammed a lot of Jenova up his bunghole and called it a day.”
“If you want to put it simply, yes.”
“…..Scarlet, why is this man on our payroll?”
“Because he’s a hilarious pervert.”
“Right! Just wanted to establish that.”
“Well… wouldn’t it be sensible to assume that the cells would gather where the meteor crashed, which is Jenova’s original entry point?”
“But that does not science.”
“…..Scarlet, why is this man on our payroll?”
“Because he’s hilarious?”
“I beg to differ.”
“My mother never loved me.”
“Or she loved you too much. Which, I guess, sort of spins it around to negative one million.”
“She wanted to pick my wives.”
“Scarlet, why is this man on our payroll?”
“Oh, he isn’t. Not anymore.”
“Well, that’s good.”
“He’s like a little overeager puppeteer.”
“Who feels he has to drug people somehow to make them do what he wants. Yeah, that’s the way to go. By the way, did he ever considered fear?”
“He’d have to outdo his father. I mean… Hojo wanted me to mate with a human. Ew.”
“Yes, ew.”
“……”
“Wait, what’s wrong with humans?”
“Nothing. You’re just not my type.”
“Oh. Fair enough.”
“…..”
“Wait a second! Aeris wasn’t a human. She was a Cetra.”
“You’re missing my point.”
“She’d still chastize you for calling her a human if she was still around, though.”
*sigh* “Yes, I’m sure she would. I’m just saying that humanoid figures isn’t what makes my heart go boom bang-a-bang all the time, regardless of how many times you stretch your back after each battle.”
“OK, OK, fair enough. Jeez.”
“I totally didn’t worship him or anything.”
“And in addition to Jenova, I also injected anime tsundere girl straight into his bloodstream.”
“You monster! I know I love controlling the masses with fear, but that is just inhuman.”
“Syphilis.”
“……….”
“Well… all joking aside, that might’ve been preferable. Like… I left my hometown to impress a girl, and he burned it down anyway.”
“I’m doing it on purpose this time, so you’re not controlling me and making you do it. I’m giving you this black materia on purpose so you can meteor-bomb this planet and bathe in our energies. On purpose. So HAH, you’re not controlling me anymore.”
“……”
“I’m a terrible person, aren’t I?”
“And this guy is sure looking healthy for being dead so long.”
“……”
“Abs of the undead.”
“…….”
“Sixpacks from the grave.”
“…….”
“Not that I’m envious or anything.”
“But just think of the science.”
“That’s not science, you crazy asshole. That’s just throwing crap at the wall and marvelling at it sliding down. And then calling that science.”
“Oh, I did that years ago.”
“I didn’t ask.”
“I’m thinking going with you is the worst idea ever, but OK. Anything to avoid having Hojo stand around explaining his… ‘science’.”
“Don’t worry. It won’t hurt… for long.”
“….yeah, still better than listening to Hojo for any length of time.”
“Yo, Cloud, that’s the opposite of not doing it. Stop doing the not doing that you weren’t supposed to… wait, I lost my train of thought.”
“OH NOES!”
“The Pokeman has awakeneth!”
“What’s with the giant eyeball? Are we supposed to take these… ‘weapons’… seriously?”
“I guess I normally wouldn’t — although we’ve fought weirder things on our way here — but after a giant whirlwind explosion, I’d take anything seriously.”
“And now, Godzilla. With wings.”
“Is that… teeth? Or even a mouth?”
“Boy, do I feel like a relic of my era looking at that.”
“Dude, leave the fourth wall alone.”
“Urgh! Is it doing a sonar attack? I can feel it reverberating all the way to my…”
“..boobies?”
“…I was gonna say ‘brain’, but you can’t see the brain for the boobies, can you?”
“A common problems with humans, I’ve heard.”
“Oh man, this ain’t looking good.”
“I see dead people.”
“Dead people juice?”
“Ew! Technically correct, I guess, but still… ew!”
“Alright, let’s go. We have an execution to go to.”
“Sounds great. Who are we executing?”
“About that….”
“Well, this went to hell in a handbasket quick enough, didn’t it? Despite Cloud warning the others not to let him have the black materia, that’s still how it ended up. And of course, said materia ended up in Sephiroth’s hands after all. Who could see this coming? Everyone? Of course.”
“Well… except the karate thing. But still, I wanted to feel what being a damsel felt like. To feel special and stuff. Definitely more of a ‘what was I thinking?’ situation, but hey… I was young and stupid, wasn’t I?”
“……”
“Cloud, are you listening? Can you hear me? Are you there, somewhere?”
“…….”
“I wonder if I’ll have the time to go get some therapy once this weird headtrip is over.”