Chapter 20: Hobbit go down da hooooole.
“Not that big of a jump? Really?”
“Well… yes?”
“Not? That? Big?”
“Yes!”
“Well, let’s just reminiscence a bit. Like… just back to the few minutes before we were lying unconscious after our landing.”
“I CAN’T SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!”
“Cloud, you don’t have a house.”
“Or the ground it’s standing on.”
“Or a lawn outside to tell the kids to get off.”
“Bottom line is… we got no bottom line. Or a ground to put it on.”
“OK, fine. It was a big jump. Happy now?”
“Not really.”
“Well, anyway, let’s not stand around here, because it’s cold. Also, let’s look at the map.”
“What? While walking?”
“Are you mad? We’ll walk off a cliff or something, and then we’ll fall to our deaths.”
“Sometimes, I wonder if Cloud’s short-term memory is… non-existant.”
“We’re fighting frozen nails.”
“You can tell me that again. I knew I should have brought some gloves or something, because they’re about to jump straight off my fingers.”
“No, I mean… never mind.”
“We’ve met some oddly named enemies up to this point, haven’t we?”
“Tell me about it. I wonder if this is a problem all potential heroes have to deal with.”
“You are about to face… The Great Hair Follicle!”
“BUT DO THEY?!”
“We are fighting Nayls.”
“Tell me about it. I don’t know why you expect me to keep mine long, because I use claws when fighting, and they kind of get in the way, even if they don’t break easily.”
“But womens are prettier with long naaaaails.”
*sigh* “I need to find a good reason for Wren to give the next generation a chance, because this one is a bust.”
“Huh huh, you said ‘bust’.”
“But first, I need to convince myself.”
“Anyway, shall we fight these snails now?”
“I shall use my nayls.”
“Well… back to Hoth. Er… I mean… this place.”
“The heck kind of board game setup is this?”
“I smell a puzzle, Professor Layton.”
“But more than anything, I think it would be a spectacularly bad idea to jump on any of these floating ice bits.”
“We’re… going to jump on these floating ice pieces, aren’t we?”
“Yep.”
“Well, we did the ridiculous thing — and by the way, do NOT do this at home. Or outside. Or… well, ever — and we got a ‘Safety Bit’.”
“I feel like I’m having the crap kicked out of me by irony.”
“So… what is that safety bit? A piece of paper saying ‘STOP DOING THIS, YOU STUPID, STUPID PERSON!’?”
“And on the bottom of the lake upon which these ice pieces float, there is also a note saying ‘See? Told you!'”
“Well… I guess we have to jump back too, since that place was an island.”
“At least we know where we are.”
“Anyway, we just need to do this again. Should go well, right? Right?!”
“…oh, bugger!”
“Don’t you mean I collapsed on a tiny floating piece of ice and snow on a frozen lake?”
“Yeah. Honestly, I considered just leaving you there, because what kind of idiot jumps on tiny pieces of ice on near-frozen water?”
“I dunno. I felt like I had to, or I would be missing out.”
“I swear…. if I ever find out who put that Safety Bit in that cave on that island, I’m going to superglue them to a snowboard and throw them off a mountain.”
*cough*
“Oh, that sounds exciting. I wonder how hard we have to work and search to find this impact zone.”
“Oh…”
“Well… that got dark in a heartbeat.”
“And we say that despite seeing the brutal aftermath of a Sephiroth rampage, or the story of Dyne and his endless hatred. Or the fact that we’re going to have to rely on coal again for our energy needs if we win all of this.”
“We’re screwed either way, aren’t we?”
“Heck if I know. That’s why I moved to this frozen hellhole.”
“When did this turn into a survival game of a rather literal kind?”
“Well, I’m looking forward to it. I’m tired of killing stuff.”
“What?! Seriously?”
“Nah, just kidding.”
*whew* “I was getting worried there for a second.”
“Well… allow me to take up that worrywart torch in your place, then.”
“You just don’t want to explain that one more time.”
“Not when someone is being thick on purpose just to troll, no.”
“No, I mean ‘What? You’ve been thinking’?”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“Barret, you’ve never really been a thinker. That’s why you usually solve your problems by blowing them up. And if you can’t do that, you ignore it.”
“Yeah, dat’s what happens when you take my coal away from me.”
“Look, we already established that you’re not a thinker. And I’m not saying I am either, but jeez….”
“There ain’t no stoppin’ that train he’s on. Even if there are no tracks.”
“Why are you even working with him, then?”
“His daughter is adorable.”
“I… OK, point taken.”
“Interesting point, Cid. If we had an airship, we coulda done this easily. Maybe it’s hard to see from the air?”
“Cait, how is ‘Rufus is looking into this’ some kind of huge secret, when you know we’ve heard him gabbing about it? Endlessly. Even his father was all about finding the ancient lands to strip it for all their valuables.”
“Barret, you’re… just repeating stuff you read online, aren’t you?”
“….maybe.”
“Well, it will notice if we’re leeching out all its energy. Or if we go back to coal, what with how many of us currently exist. Also, you’re an adult. Adults will never be cool.”
“I think I know why Cid is so cranky. He has to deal with kids like you.”
“HEY! You shaddup.”
“My daughter is going to be so much fun to deal with in another six to eight years.”
“Don’t ya worry none, Barret my lad. I know how to treat women.”
“No, you don’t!”
“What’s going on? Who else’s got woman troubles?”
“Urgh, please don’t complicate matters here, Vin. I still don’t even know what to think of Lucrecia.”
“So, uh… do we need a tent?”
“We have several, and I’d rather we use one of those than this torn, frozen thing that I wouldn’t even wipe my butt with.”
“You wipe your butts with tents?”
“What?! No, I… how did we get to that?”
“I dunno. You jumped on that train of thought all on your own.”
“Well, there ain’t no getting offa this train, huh?”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“So, what are we fighting here, me with my giant fishing knife… thing?”
“Darn it all. This enemy has a natural defense to my power of ‘punch’ or ‘kick’.”
“What? A giant gut?”
“And fur.”
“What the… why is everyone and everything in this place picking a fight with us?”
“Filthy hot spring? That’s it. Nobody insults hot springs in my presence.”
“Yes, that is the exact priority we’ve been looking for.”
“Not that I’m hugely into them — my coat of fur doesn’t like dipping into water and then moving around in freezing temperatures — but didn’t we come here for that exact purpose?”
“…yes! Sephiroth can wait. We’ve got more important things to worry about.”
“Like this fight, I guess.”
“Eat my hot fists, hotspring hater.”
“Priorities are good.”
“Alexander? ‘Why this’ indeed.”
“The materia that conquers your materia slots.”
“You don’t link this materia to Alexander. You make a piece of materia its conquest and servant.”
Oh, I remember this one, except it wasn’t named after an eldritch horror.”
“But less of an eldritch horror. Eldritch horror light.”
“It looks rather pleased with itself too.”
“Yeah, it’s all ‘Welcome, Mr. Bond’. While stroking his white cat.”
*sigh* “What am I doing with my life? Wandering around the frozen wasteland. Fighting weirdly named weird enemies. Collapsing from the cold. Waking up on a giant fur skin. Yep, this is the life.”
“I sort of imagined Sephiroth suddenly lying here too, and we’d be all ‘So, you haven’t gotten to your destination yet either, huh?’ And he’d be all ‘Nope’. And then we’d stab him to death for what he did.”
“Gotta mind our manners, huh?”
“Manners are important.”
“Wait, so… is it 36 degrees here, or are we down to 36 degrees? THIS IS IMPORTANT!”
“Given how goddamned freezing it is outside, I doubt this is the outside temperature indicator.”
“We are seriously not dressed for this.”
“And inside this cave of… how the hell is this made?”
“Solid block of ice? Blowtorch?”
“We have fire magic. Since when did we need blowtorches?”
“Well, we don’t always need things to explode.”
“Say that to Barret.”
“I would, if he was here.”
“There are boulders inside this weirdly soft and smooth cave.”
“I shoulda brought my ice skates.”
“So you could have some fun with this?”
“No, so that I could control my movements better WHOAAAAA!”
“Um… oops.”
“Our careless bumbling has opened up a path.”
“Let us carefully make our way down there — without falling and being unable to get up — and see where we can go from here.”
“Head. Bomber! And it’s a head. Shaped like a bomb.”
“So it’s a headcrab with a difference?”
“Yes, it’s… a bit more brainsplattery.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you two over the toxic barf that the Zolokalter is barfing in our general direction. And given its bombastic ass-shaking while barfing, ‘general direction’ is more of an ‘informal suggestion’ with ‘no hard feelings’ if it chooses not to aim more properly. Either way, Toxic Barf!!!”
“I have a rrrribbon.”
“You can wrrrrap it in a rrrribbon, you can ssssstick it in a ssssock!”
“Just don’t take it out in public, or they’ll put you in the dock.”
“And you won’t! Come! Back!”
“You’re talking about your penis, aren’t you?”
“Ssssssh!”
“Well, we’re left out in the cold again.”
“As opposed to INSIDE in the cold?”
“At least we’re still at 36 degrees.”
“And now: Marble Madness… on acid.”
“What’choo talkin’ ’bout, Willis? Marble Madness was already on acid.”
“Oh?!”
“Oh?”
“Ball.”
“Ball?”
“Ball.”
“Ball ball ball, ball?”
“Ball ballballballballball. Ball!”
“Ball?”
“BALL!”
“BALL BALL BALL BALL BALL BALL BALL BALL BALL!”
“Oh.”
“And just as you thought you’d meet the origin of the toxic barf…”
“Wasn’t the Malboro… Marlboro? Anyway, Malboro…. wait, maybe that’s why we get frozen beam instead. It’s not a Marlboro, but a Malboro. That makes all the difference.”
“Spelling and punctuation can mean the difference between life and death.”
“Or toxic barf versus frozen beam.”
“FROZEN BEEEEAAAAAM!”
“Cuahl. CUAHL?!”
“What’s next? Molbara? Cocomo?”
“They’re just lying there. Do we really have to kill them?”
“Nah.”
“Oh.”
“Well, that was anticlimactic.”
“Oof, I feel like we’re going to be slimed any second now.”
“I’m all for green energy, but….”
“…it comes with two heads.”
“But which head gets to taste my Blood Fang!”
“That sounds more like a gang name than a special attack name.”
“Well, this thing gets the Bahamut.”
“And it survived Bahamut. That’s just unfair.”
“I bet they took stack damage with both heads.”
“But Bahamut doesn’t do stack damage, unless you count ‘this is stacked against you, sucka!’ as ‘stack damage’.”
“Oh, fine! I’ll just apply the finishing touch, then.”
“So, what are you touching when you finish.”
“……..”
“That sounded less dirty in my head.”
“Uh… OK.”
“Ball!”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“Ok, the finishing touch starts with a gathering of winds underneath the enemy….”
“Yes?”
“And then they die.”
“……”
“D’OH!”
“Anticlimactic, huh?”
“YES!”
“Oh, hey, the temperature’s off, even though we’re outside. You know what that means, right?”
“We’re at the edge of mysteriousness.”
“Um… I didn’t finish touch Mr. Two Heads that hard.”
“That’s what he said.”
“…yes.”
“What the… how is nobody noticing this?! This is indeed a goddamned crater.”
“It’s so cold here that the explosion froze instantly.”
“Man, that’s cold.”
“No wonder Sephiroth likes this place so much.”
“Did you two bring a camera? Why are you narrating stuff we all already know?”
“I can hear the voice of the planet.”
“The energy must flow.”
“….OK, fun’s over, boys. We got work to do.”
“Well… relatively speaking. Again: Christ, this is a huge crater. How far north of the population crisis are we for this not to be noticed by anyone?”
“Sephiroth knew.”
“Sephiroth is the child of Hojo and the woman who didn’t think Vincent was good enough. I think that’s the pinnacle of ‘knows all, yet knows nothing’.”
“Well, anyway, shall we descend?”
“Yes, please.”
“Like… I lost a whole hometown. In a fire.”
“So did I.”
“I still got mine. It comes with one grandpa.”
“Oh. We have another Bahamut. It’s from…. THE MATRIX!”
“You are the chosen one.”
“Do a bullet roll.”
“We… have an airship.”
“And we! Are! Fabulous!”
“Hey, that’s my laugh.”
“No, it’s not. You go ‘gyah hah hah’. Totally different.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it’s not!”
“Oh, shut up!”
“But I herd u got stab’d. So here I am… in your place.”
“Um….”
“And he complains about how I laugh.”
“Yes, a family reunion.”
“I regret coming here.”
“Oh, damn it. There’s a queue.”
“The Sephiroth fanclub is lining up.”
“I used to be one of them. The shame I feel….”
“What the flying….”
“Did we step on it by accident?”
“That would explain why it’s so mad.”
“That sounds very end game-ish.”
“It’s also for me. I’m all about the knuckles.”
“You’re just waiting and hoping someone’s gonna tell you to ‘make me a sammich’, huh?”
“It’s my hope and dream, and boy howdy, will they be getting one if they do.”
“Uh… Cloud, what’s…. what’s going on?”
“I have no idea. I just… suddenly letter.”
“But what does it mean?”
“I DON’T SPEAK YOUR CRAZY MOON LANGUAGE!”
“OK, OK. Jeez!”
“Well, this really is the end of this path, but what the hell is that about your body. You better not get creepy on my ass.”
“…..”
“Um… figuratively speaking.”
“And a thousand slashfics were born.”
“How? Are you gonna write them?”
“What?! No, no, no.”
“Your mouth might say no, but your eyes says ‘oh, yes yes yes’.”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“Or he might not. You can never tell.”
“Oh, I am near. And it is time to apply the magical touch.”
“Ew!”
“Also, I’m starting to think it was a bad idea to foist off the black materia on Cloud. Again.”
“YA THINK?!”
“Wait, did I just call Sephiroth ‘master’?!”
“You sure did.”
“Uuuuuuurgh! Why would I even… why did you make me keep the materia?!”
“Oh, Jenova DEEEEAAAATH!”
“It’s name is Muerte… like DEATHHHHHH!”
“Well… as you know, there’s only one thing to do in a situation like this. Maybe two.”
“Is Titan lifting it up so Bahamut can get a better aim?”
“Maybe?”
“But will it float?”
“Um…. why would it?
“Well, it’s dead, so… who cares?”
“We just killed death. The joke’s on it.”
“Hah! In your FACE!”
“Uh…..”
“You say this while standing like that?”
“I am not touching this.”
“And how?”
“I am not doing a reinterpretation of Brokeback Mountain with him, Tifa.”
“You’re no fun at all.”
“You know what? I don’t want to know.”
“I feel like we’ve been thrown into the deep end… both literally and figuratively.”
“I liked it better when everything made sense. Well… more sense. ….than this, I mean.”
“What’s that? A good idea? Yes, please.”
“And there’s more where that came from.”
“Well, anyway, who wants the black materia? Who wants the weight of the world on their shoulders?”
“The last time I held the black materia, I gave it to Sephiroth within five minutes. You do not want me to hold on to it… like I’ve been doing so far, so… uh… what was the point I was trying to make again?”
“Eeeh, I dunno.”
“Remember, not anyone!”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Good thing our magic isn’t run by TP. Could you imagine a TP Turbo materia?”
“You will never wipe as fast as when you have TP Turbo.”
“At least it’s better than having no TP. Because how then do you wipe?”
“And when you have fur all over your butt?”
“Urgh, don’t remind me.”
“Yes, let’s toss Sephiroth in the killbin.”
“That’s a cube, not a… bin. And it has a face.”
“Then it’s gonna be a faceoff.”
“And you wonder why we call you… ‘THE CLAW’!”
“Poison ring? Did anyone have the super chili?”
“Isn’t that fire ring?”
“Oh, right. Well, between a poison ring and toxic barf, which is worse?”
“I never want to answer that question.”
“And you say I’m no fun.”
“Well, here we are, at the end of all things.”
“And no dodgy winds going ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS’.”
“We’re near the light at the end of this tunnel.”
“Will we finally have some answers. Will Cloud and his friends finally be able to take care of Sephiroth and his world-shattering meteor attack? What IS the light at the end of this tunnel?”
“But we just… why are we back here?”
“It’s like we never left. That is just beyond evil!”